Daughter in law with unreal perceptions

[nicole76]

I have a BPD daughter in law that believes that we think that she is not good enough for our son.  Also told our son that many issues that she has with my husband and myself, which keeps her from visiting us.  They like in another state.  Have tried to communicate with her to find out her views on things and her hasn't responded.  First attempt to communicate was 8 weeks ago.

[isilme]

Hi there.  Have you learned this from your son?  Do you have regular contact with him?

If she has BPD-issues, then she is probably (guessing) projecting her own feelings onto you guys, as a convenient set of scapegoats.  It will probably be hard to get her to admit she has the feelings point blank, because that would be accepting some of the shame at feeling them. 

[nicole76]

That is somewhat what I was thinking.  My son does know what her issues are but prefers that she tell us herself instead of him.  He thought it was best to communicate with her in writing, so my husband and I both sent e:mails.  We did not hear anything for 2 weeks but then when my daughter went to visit she immediately told my daughter that she had just seen the e:mails because we sent them to her personal e:Mail and she never checks that one.  She then responded that she would have to get her thoughts together and respond in a few days.  A month goes by nothing.  Sent e:Mail saying that we are looking forward to hearing from her.  She responded that she was so busy and would respond soon.  Still nothing.

Visiting us and the rest of the family is a very difficult topic with her.  I guess that it is just part of the BPD but she will agree to come and all seems ok and then a few hours or a day later will start raging about it. Then it flip flops again the next day.  My son said they were constantly fighting about it a couple of months ago and it was very difficult for him to deal with. i just told him to take the visiting off the table if it was causing him so much stress.  

She also won't let my son bring my grandson to visit us because she couldn't handle him going across the country without her.