Don't know what to do anymore.

[Drock5411]

Sorry guys this is long and kind of drawn out just need to vent.

Hi guys first time poster long time reader. Lol

I've been with my undiagnosed Bpd fiancé  for 5.5 years off and on. There has been a lot of the common issues between us that I've read about on here. The longest she has left me for was a month till this most recent time. We always get back together and she tells me she realizes I'm the one she loves and doesn't want to be without and will never leave  me again no matter what and realizes how she really isn't in control of her thoughts, feelings and emotions and needs to seek help and that she shouldn't drink because it makes things worse.

She has left me several times for  various reasons and  sometimes to to hang out with "a new guy friend" that is so great and nice and better than me in so many ways. Always to return with the promise never again she made a mistake and realize I'm the one and never wants to be to without me  and is so happy and appreciative I didn't give up and how I'm understanding and forgiving.

The following is the latest conflict. So much more has happened but I'll just start with this.


Undiagnosed Bpd fiancé ex or not who knows one day she loves me than the next  she hates me. Last Saturday she called me and asked if  I wanted to come over and hang becuase she missed me and we haven't seen each other in almost a month. But  I was out of town and couldn't and I asked when I get back because what does a couple days difference make. And she said yes that makes sense then the next day was like Oh that was a mistake I shouldn't of called you I didnt ask you to come Over because I missed you and wanted to spend time with you I just was worried about you and wanted to talk like for closure reasons.

Then  We talked Thursday night and ended the convo with her saying some soul crushing things to me with such down right  cruel and harsh tone and attitude and she told me to never call her again. So I didn't. She called me the next morning on her way to work and I told her before she had a chance to speak if she just called me to be negative and to be mean and hurt my feelings to not even bother I can't take anymore hurt and pain from you. She apologized for what she said and her behavior the night before and was nice, positive and sincere and we talked like we use to like best friends for more than 5 minutes. Which hasn't happened really since my bday in the begin of NOV when she left me. Every time we have talked since she is so angry, mean, verbally and emotional abusive, one sided and usually only talks to me for no more than 5 minutes before hanging up on me and ignoring me.

 When she called me that next  morning she admitted how alcohol has been making her act different and horrible towards me and doesn't see it a the time and doesn't feel like she is in control or there. And admitted how this has been a pattern specially  this time of year since her dad died 3 years ago in November. She told me how she realizes are relationship wasn't moving forward  (like she kept complaining wasn't happening yet did nothing to make it happen or have any suggestions) and things didn't improve because she knows she has to quit drinking to stop being mean, Impulsive and to stop doing things that she seems to always regret the next day. Which she was doing a lot 3-4 times a week  would get drunk with her mom or one of two friends or some "new guy friend" at the time and do some immature  negative or hurtful things and the next morning call and apologize and promise it would never happens again but a day or two later not care and didn't think drinking was the issue and do it all over again.   She said that  really the number one issue was her lack of self control when drinking and  was tearing  us further apart and keeping us from being close and moving in a more healthy mature direction. She then told me she will call me later because she was walking into work and she called me when she got off and the convo picked up where we left off. Which is usually pretty rare usually she pulls a 180 and doesn't call back when she says she will and denies every thing good and positive we talked about earlier. We talked about how alcohol is the main issue and things aren't as bad as she makes them out to be and that I'm not this horrible negative person she paints me out to be. She then told me she loves me and would like to spend time together and talk about things and just see each other since she hasn't seen me since before my bday. She told me we will talk more about It all  but had to get off to pick up her daughter and she will call me back when they got home.

Never heard back from her that night. Tried  to call her a couple of times later that night didn't blow up her phone or text her.

Then the next morning I called her and I asked what happened to her calling me back and she said oh I stayed at my moms and they got a bunch of liquor that  some one gave to them. And they were trying it all and she got a little buzzed and stayed there. So I proceeded to pick up the convo where we left it off and asked when we could hang out. And she  said yea that's not a good idea I just called because I worry about you. I don't care to see you there is nothing to talk about and seeing you just gives you false hope. I only said I love you out of habit.

I was like do you not remember what we  discussed yesterday and about alcohol and she said yea whatever then hung up. I called her back and she answered and I was like do you not see the pattern you were nice , positive and receptive and then you drank and are pulling a 180 again. All she said was whatever you got to tell yourself to make yourself feel better about  things.you just can't accept it I don't want you or care to see you.  And she has been like that since. I mention how we had good talks when she was sober on that Friday and she says whatever you are so annoying. I shouldn't of never called you or said that stuff my bad. I just don't want to be enemy's. I want to be just friends  

People tell me to ask her family for help but her mom is the same way she lies and deceives her step father all the time and is sneaky and conniving. Her mom encourages her to lie and deceive me as well and also encourages her to interact with other men inappropriately even taken ones. Her mom tells  her drinking  is not a issue that I am and to just leave me. Because they are drinking buddy's. She lies to her mom about me and they both lie to other people on their family about me to look like this psycho boyfriend

My fiancé/ex is hanging out with this guy from her work that she tells me. He thinks I'm great and awesome and he thinks i can never do such wrong and doesn't think I have mental issues  and doesn't bring me down. She has admitted before she hangs out with other men as a distraction from me  and so she doesn't have to deal with her or reflect her  negative behavior and actions.

What to do I feel like just curling up and a ball and dying.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Drock5411,

Alcohol does make it worse  :'(

Impulsivity is one of the core traits of someone who suffers from BPD, and alcohol kind of greases the wheel and adds to the problem. It is often said (whether BPD or not) that anniversaries and/or holidays are extra hard times for people -- and she is dealing with the anniversary of a death on top of the holidays. Does she seem to get worse this time each year? Even though she flip flops about her problems with alcohol, it does sound like she recognizes that it makes it worse. Having an enabling mother certainly doesn't help either.

She has also said she recognizes that she uses other men as a distraction from reflecting on her own negative behaviors.

When you two are on the outs, who usually initiates the next move to reconnect?

[Drock5411]

Thanks for the response livednlearned

  Yes around the same time each year around the anniversary of her fathers death things get worse. She always seems to be distant and more negative than usual and drinks more.

When he died she was drinking more heavily and was taking everything out on me. Even though I was there trying to support her specially since I knew what she was going through since both my parents passed away when I was younger. The year he died she was drinking more heavily became ever more distant  from me and moved out Xmas eve after drinking  half the day away with her mom. Ever since then when she is in a calm rational place she says she wishes she didn't move out and that she moved out hastily. Other times she says it was the best decision she ever made and that we really haven't been back together ever since.


I would say it's about 50/50 on who initiates getting back toghter maybe a little more her. I always try to talk to her after she leaves me and she usually just ignores me or threatens to get a restrain order if I continue to attempt to contact her and at that point I go nc and than after a couple days, weeks or so  she will reach out and things will go back like nothing happened but in the same fact nothing is discussed really or resolved that got us to the place to begin with. She just wants to not talk about it and just enjoy our time toghter. I usually comply because if I push the issue she goes negative and leaves or something else drastic.

[livednlearned]

Right now you feel deeply hurt by her -- she's also going through a hard time herself. It's the holidays, the anniversary of her father's death, and she has BPD. To cope, she drinks, and has a drinking buddy mom. This might be a good time to shore up some strength on your side, and use this period of distance to get much-needed perspective.

It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship without being emotionally injured by it. You have to be someone who is fully independent and yet loving. The way things have been going has taken a toll, it sounds like.

What's the line for you with her drinking? With her distractions (other men)? There is no right or wrong answer here, it comes down to what is right or ok for you.

[Drock5411]

At first she loved to drink vodka. Things would get out of hand and be way much worse faster. She finally stopped drinking hard liquor and just stuck to beer and wine. That seemed to help for a little bit and there were still episodes just not as bad. But eventually that needed to be cut out. When she seems in a calm rational place we have loving mature talks about quitting drinking all together or just having one small bottle of wine on special occasions between us. There are times when things are good between us she will just say out of the blue I want to quit drinking all together and I am very supportive and don't ask questions why she says it out of the blue because I know it will trigger a fight.

The using men a distraction. She admits it to me after we reconcile and admits it's not right and healthy and wants to take steps to prevent it from happing  over and over again and she knows that drinking is usually the root problem  that leads to it ultimately. But at other times when she isn't rational she says I guess I do that because I don't really care deep down yet always felt shame guilt and remorse the next day like she does care.  There was times  when we would be having those mature healthy talks after episodes  and I would ask her if she wants a open relationship. She would say no that's weird plus I don't want you to be with other women even though in reality I wouldn't. But I just suggest it at times when  I'm completely broken down and I guess grasping at straws.

[Drock5411]

Ok so my SO BPD of 5.5 years off and on left me on my bday for another guy after less then two months prior begging me to not give up and promising to never leave me again and to be loyal and faithful and swears I won't spend another year without her on my bday, Xmas and New Years since the last three years she left me before them. Then I get a missed call from her at 12:35 tonight and I was worried because she likes to drink and I texted her... .

Me: You ok I had a missed call from you if you need anything don't hesitate to call

Her:I'm with N

Me: ok why did you call me

Her: I didn't

Me: send her a screen shot of her missed call and said... .

What any chance to twist the knife further In my heart and shove the guy in my face that you cheated on me with and left me for after playing me for a fool and  swearing to be loyal and faithful?

Her: I didn't cheat on you with him

Me:Maybe not physically but emotionally.why did you call me?

Her: I covered my tat

Me:Ok Why do you feel the need to shove this crap  in my face. I just asked why you called me.

I don't know why she loves to torture me she did this  like a week ago to me. She called me drunk one night and told me how great N is and better then me and wants to marry him then called me the next day sober saying sorry about shoving him in my face she doesn't love him or want to marry him and doesn't want to be enemies with me wants to be my friend.about week prior to that telling me she loves me misses me sorry things weren't giving the chance they should of got and wants to spend time together, but that never happened

I just want to disappear. She knows how hurt I am but guess doesn't care and gets off in driving the knife deeper in my heart.

[Drock5411]

This is a letter I've  been writing to my SO that is unofficially diagnosed BPD I started another thread previously that has some detail of what is going on its titled keeps toturing me under L2. I'm just looking  for some advice and thoughts of what someone thinks of this letter. I love her dearly and this isn't rthe first time she has left me for another man but this is the longest she has left me for. Before it was always a few days or couple weeks. This time she left me on my bday NOV. 1st I appreciate whomever takes the time to read this. Sorry it's  long and the grammar is poor wrote it as the thoughts came to me. I guess it is so long I have to break it up in two parts.

I'm not bashing you or trying to make you feel bad or  blaming  you like you you you. I'm blaming alcohol and its affect on you babe. Alcohol affects you differently and makes you think and act differently than other people and you  have admitted that before several times. And alcohol has a more lasting  effect on you than other people.

You admitted that you have a lot  of inner demons.

The  doctor that primarily deals with people that has the issues and is the nations expert on them that  I talked to  that I want to talk to you about  and show you things how you and me aren't the only people that have these issues and there is another  way to Improve them  instead of thinking  that the only resolution  is to give up and move on to improve things and I don't want to do it through text I want to do it face to face because when we talk face to face like on the way to the cabin things are taking  more seriously and not blown off  that primarily deals with the issues that we have and that you have admitted you  have with other people as well not just me and with other people in the past.

He had me read this comment from a interview he did... .

I strongly believe Some people get a type of  dysphoria (anxiety, rage, depression and despair) from a epileptic phenomenon (nerve cells firing inappropriately and out of control).  people  can get an “alcohol withdrawal seizure”.  When some people drink alcohol, they commonly experience dysphoria (anxiety, rage, depression and despair) 6-72 hours after the alcohol was consumed.  They don’t relate the two glasses of wine on Friday night as the cause of their severe depression and self destructive behaviors on Sunday, but it’s commonly the cause.


Babe I truly love you unconditionally  and believe we share this bond and connection like no one else.  Otherwise I wouldn't stand  by you side I wouldn't spend time educating myself and talking to professionals and support groups trying to get to the root of these issues and improve them.

I get how you have feelings that   you Project as anger and rage sometimes   feelings of anxiety, confusion, emptiness, despair, depression, guilt, shame, regret, unworthiness, worthless and do things to distract yourself from those deep down dark feelings and say and do things or hang out with people  as way to cope, forget, deal with and bury those negative feelings  and then later  regret  them but feel like you can never improve or stopping doing the things you end up regretting. So you feel like the best option is just to give up and think, say or do things in a attempt to convince yourself something is more negative or worse then things really are just like how you try to convince yourself like the other day when I sent you a pic of that steak and I said we always had fun going out and splitting meals and you responded I guess but in reality you say in the moment how happy you are and how much fun it is doing those things with me like when we go to the outlets and share bbq .

You know I try very hard to be rational  with you and reasonable   And understanding most of the time and you know truly deep down I don't just throw things in your face all the time immediately  I'm  sorry there are times I take things to personally that I should known you don't mean when you are letting your inner demons lash out at me the person  you are closet to and I reach a breaking point and lash out and say things out of anger and I shouldn't do that I'm only human I'm not perfect but when I get like that babe it doesn't mean what so ever I  love you less, I think you are a horrible person or I  think less of you and I know it's hard for you to believe that but is the truth. So i get why you get stuck thinking only negative and think it's just best to give up specially when there is another guy involved that distracts you and distracts you from thinking and feeling certain things. Just like we talked about that other Friday babe.


Labor Day weekend less than  two months before my bday. We agreed to each take half the day  to go to the grocery store and help get everything loaded. Well you  decided since you  were  spending the weekend with me you were  going to hang out with her ashley for a couple hours first then will come help me.  And I didn't b___ or say anything negative or provoke you just said ok have fun and please don't drink to much I don't want things to start off on a negative foot before we leave and you said  don't worry babe I'm so happy and excited to spend the weekend with you. So a couple hours pass  you  were  still with her  and I didn't complain or b___ because I know it will trigger you since you were  drinking. I finally got everything done and loaded by myself and headed to your  place to pick you up and I called you to tell you I was on my way and how happy and excited  I was to spend the next three and half days with you  and you  were  noticeably drunk and start saying things that were out of line and rude, and began  raging at me. Then when I got there you  were still  raging and calling  me names telling how worthless I am and a loser  and that went on for a couple  hours.  Saying you didn't want to go and kept telling me to leave and I kept trying to reason with you and tell you how it was the alcohol that is making you think and say these thing I didn't rage back or talk I kept begging you to calm down and realize the alcohol is bringing out your inner demons and things aren't that bad and there is no rational justifiable reason  to be so angry and hostile with me.  Then it was like a light bulb went off or a switch flipped and you  pulled a 180 and was like I'm sorry I don't know why I get like that and shouldn't.  it's like I'm not me or I'm  in control and I know alcohol is a trigger of that behavior. You asked me if I still wanted to go with you. And I told you  yes babe I know it's not you when you get like that. The  drive to the cabin we talked about when you  drink it affects you differently than other people and makes you inner demons take over. We discussed how you need to quit  drinking and to talk to someone about your inner demons because we both agreed that we don't want things to get worse  between us and want things to improve and move forward in a more positive healthy direction and you admitted there is nothing  wrong with getting help controlling your inner demons because you have trouble doing it on your own.  and will talk to your mom and other people in your life about it all and how you are going to quit drinking and how things aren't as bad between us as you make it out to be when you tell them things because of your inner demons and if they aren't supportive of it you won't let it discourage you. I asked  are you going to follow through with it because I don't want to be without you again specially on  my on my bday and Xmas again because this isn't the first time you have said these things and didn't even attempt to follow through on the positive healthy things that admit aren't hard to do and accomplish and  and you said yes I realize after that month i left you  over the past summer it sucked and I truly love you and don't want to be without you. I appreciate and happy that you don't give up on me and are understanding that it's not truly me when I get like that. You asked me if I'm ever going to give up leave you or cheat on you due to these episodes from inner demons that is 95% of the time due to alcohol  and I told you no babe because once both of us don't have   trust and doubt in each other things will be so hard to get back to good. You  said  I won't leave you again in a couple weeks/months because my feelings change  due to my inner demons make  my feelings are all  over the place and change sporadically specially when I drink.  I won't leave you if  some guy hits on me or peeks my interests because I know with my inner demons I have trouble with self control with temptation. We proceeded to Have  a great weekend you were  so loving and nice and thoughtful and on the drive back we rehashed the talk we had on the way down. But then a few days after we got back your  mom encouraged you  to meet her after work for a beer. You went back to thinking I can meet me my mom and just have 1 or 2 and be fine and the inner demons won't take over  but really 3 out of 4 times when you drink the inner demons take over even after 1 or 2 because it affects you  differently than other people  like you  had 5-6 in the span of time it takes to have 1 or 2. And are always remorseful and regretful the next day. So I guess I held onto to hope of the things that would make things better between us, move us forward in a more positive healthy direction that   you  promised and said Labor Day weekend and have said and promised  Several other times before my bday specially the times you are  regretful and remorseful after your inner demons took over the previous day due to drinking.  When you  don't drink or at least don't  drink with your  mom or other people  things are great  between us and your  inner demons don't show. When you  do those  cleanses we get along great and if we do have a argument or fight when you are on a cleanse and not drinking  it doesn't escalate out of control irrationally and immaturely  and gets resolved more rationally, maturely and quickly.


Just like we discussed a few Friday's ago babe. We discussed that  drinking which brings out your inner demons  is the primary cause of why  things get so messed up between us and keeps us from moving forward in a more positive healthy way.   And you agreed that things were never really giving the chance that would of been so way to accomplish to improve things and make things so much better between us. But before we had a chance to continue that talk or Implement the things we discussed alcohol was involved  and your inner demons made you think/feel differently.

I get you think  to much negatives have happened that it's just best to give up but really there is way more  positive and  good and deep down you know  that and things  can always be improved it just take a little effort to keep the inner demons at bay and not keep repeating the same mistakes that are ultimately regretted. I get you covering the tattoo will be something you worry  that I would be bitter about all the time and bring up negatively all the time.  yes I'm hurt you did that specially  after the last time  when you left me for that month and said you covered it but really didn't and we reconciled said you would never cover it. But I don't love you less that you did it.

I get when you meet someone new it's exciting, thrilling and tempting. specially when things are bumpy with the person you are with.  Specially when other people encourage you like your co workers or how you see other people you know getting divorces just because  their  relationship  isn't working out doesn't mean our is going to fail as well. I get you always worry  I might not be  faithful and loyal and worried people were hitting on me and might steal me from you or tempt me to leave you (and it never annoyed me or made think negatively and think oh she will never stop worrying might as well give up lie you think and express sometimes when I worry the same way and express those worries to you) like when we were apart like how I work at different places, when I go out without you like when I go to the bar with chuck or go to  the club without you or when I'm out  of town without you because you feel like I'm hit on and tempted when I'm in  those situations  and think if my feelings can change so easily and sporadically and I don't care at times and make mistakes and bad choices   then he must be doing it as well and you just  think  what's  the point I might as well give into temptation and not  care about following  through on being loyal and faithful and those feelings increase due to your inner demons  that makes  you mind, feelings and thoughts race and are up down and think negative things and only intensifies when drinking. But babe I would never do anything to betray you I truly love you unconditionally and would never betray you out of revenge, or for any reason. I get now you worry what would people think if I started seeing D again and stop seeing N like people at work. But if the roles were reversed what would you want me to do?

Continued in part 2 thread... .

[Drock5411]

Part 2 continued

Maybe your worried and didn't follow thorough the talk we had the other  Friday   Cause it might hurt  N but what about my feelings and things you promised Labor Day weekend  less than two months before my bday and  after that talk a couple times after drinking and your inner  demons  came out and you were regretful and remorseful  the next day  that you wouldn't leave me again specially before my bday or Xmas and    specially for another guy and would be loyal and faithful and a couple days before and while you were in nyc told me you made plans to celebrate my bday the following weekend and wanted to spend thanksgiving and Xmas with me. Then when u got back from  nyc absolutely refused to talk to me, see me physically or spend any time with me. And told me the reason why was because you didn't want to be talking to two guys at the same time when you got back from nyc. So you told me all these things made all  these plans with me and all these promises yet were talking to another guy behind my back.   might not  have been physically cheating on me with N but definitely were Emotionally.  So it's like you didn't care about my feelings, plans you made with me that I was excited about and the  promises you made to me the person you are closet to for the past 5.5 years for a guy you were talking to behind my back the exact opposite of being loyal and faithful and now you care more about what N thinks and feels than me.  Just like in the past in  other times when in a situation your inner demons and drinking got you in and were  confronted with the option between me and another guy you always picked the other guy and always promised me it would never happen again no matter what just like after Owen as well because you realize how wronged up and hurtful that is and never want it to happen to you  and  always worried and made sure I was loyal and faithful to you!  You also  say you don't talk to me because I make you feel bad and N doesn't but I don't make you feel bad it's your own negative behavior and actions that is a cause from making mistakes and bad decisions due to your drinking and inner demons and talking to me  or spending time with me is  a reminder of them that makes you feel bad/ty. Which isn't fair to hold against me and ignore me and avoid me  its not my fault your inner demons and drinking really are the reason you feel bad.  

I'll ever asked of you was for your love, devotion and to be loyal and faithful consistently  and if that was hard to achieve when drinking due to your inner demons. Then please quit drinking because our love is so Important to me more than anything else.  I wasn't  trying to control you babe. I don't ever tell you not to hang out with other  people but find other things to do when you spend time with other people than drink in a way to prevent your inner demons from taking over that causes you to repeat making the same  mistakes and making things negative and  way worse between us than they need to be or truly are.

[livednlearned]

Hi Drock5411,

Just trying to piece this together:  She has been gone the longest since you started dating, the pain is increasing, and you are interpreting her lengthy absence to mean that she's really gone this time. And so in a last-ditch attempt to reach her, you are wanting to send this letter and tell her how you feel.

Is your question to us whether to send the letter? Do you want to leave things so that she feels safe reaching out to you (in case this recent relationship doesn't work out)?

Now that you've shared the letter with us, what are your thoughts? Does it feel right to send this as is?

My ex was also an alcoholic. It's hard to love someone who loves alcohol.

Non-alcoholics believe that alcohol is the problem in the relationship, whereas for someone who drinks, alcohol is the solution. In this letter, you are not offering her anything to replace the solution that is working for her problem.

The problem for her is shame -- she feels a lot of it. She feels anxiety and fear and shame and self-loathing, all at once. She fears someone will try to control her, and she fears that people she loves will discover what an awful person she really is. Alcohol temporarily relieves her anxiety, and helps her forget, if only briefly, the tremendous shame she feels.

In that mindframe, reading a letter that tells her repeatedly that there is something wrong with her will only make her feel worse, not better.

And if you want her back, and this is your final parting shot, how is she likely to feel?

I don't think she is going to agree with this statement:

Babe I truly love you unconditionally

[Skip]

And if you want her back, and this is your final parting shot, how is she likely to feel?

I don't think she is going to agree with this statement:

Babe I truly love you unconditionally

Some internal inconsistency in all of this, no doubt.

Its good to cleanse the soul with a letter like this - but don't send it.


You've seen this, right?



Click to enlarge

I think it will help a lot to narrow down what is going on.

In one paragraph, what does she see as the problem and how is she addressing it?

In one paragraph, what do you see as the problem and how to solve it?

[Drock5411]

I know it's all over the place and inconsistent and I shouldn't send it. I just wrote it the other  night late while my thoughts and feelings came to me. She has called me pretty much once a week since my bday with a sad tone  isn't mean or short towards me.  says she is sorry and admits she has inner demons and drinking  intensifies them and things never really got the chance they deserved due to her drinking.  She admits drinking was the main reason things weren't moving forward. Admits when she drinks  an her inner demons take over she thinks  things that aren't true/reality and thinks  things very negatively and  that makes things way worse then they really are and doesn't like how she gets like that.   Admits  never followed through qutting drinking like she promised a thousand times. Then says she loves me doesn't love him misses me and would like to spend time with me she is just so confused and torn.  Then  she has to get off the phone for legitimate reasons  and promises  me she will call me back later and continue the conversation and figure out  when we could hang out. But before any of that happens she drinks and paints me black again. When I talk to her again she is cold, short and rude towards me.   I ask her about what she said to me and has said pretty much once a week and all she says is oh that was a mistake it's a bad idea to spend time with each other. I ask if she has drank lsince we had that good positive conversation  and she either lies or says oh yea blame it on that, whatever you got to tell yourself so you don't have to believe I just don't like you love you or want you anymore and how I found someone ten times better than you. 

When I say truly love her unconditionally I say it about I still love her and want to be  with her and move and improve  this relationship in a more positive healthy mature direction  even after all the times her inner demons and drinking has taken over and says things to me  like your a loser, worthless and should just kill yourslef  and also how I still love her after all the times she has cheated and realize she regrets them and she has impulse control when she drinks and her inner demons aka BPD takes over.

[Skip]

So you bopped her (hurt her) with that letter and she has been fighting (hurting) back?

She's got drinking problems (e.g., she is running from self shame already) and you gave her some more shame.

She's handing out with "N" because he says she's great.

Is that where this is?

As livednlearned was getting at, is she an alcoholic? Has she ever been "dried out"? Does she go to AA?

[Drock5411]

Never sent her the  letter. Yes she is alcoholic according to a couple T's I've seen. Yes she will do cleanses every so often to lose weight and not drink for a month  and admit how Good things are between us and are actually great and how alcohol makes things worse at times but after the cleanse she will drink again and I'll remind her of the things she said  during the cleanse but she acts like it didn't happen or isn't a issue really. Dissociates I guess

She has done this in the past we have the usual arguments that escalate irrationally and don't get resolved and some other guy that she knows keeps hitting on her. So when she thinks in her black and white thinking she hangs out with the other guy and paints me black.

We actually hung out for the first time since my bday this past Weekend. And she was a mess. Kept saying she is so torn and confused and missed me so much and loves me and says she likes N but really as just a friend and doesn't know what to do. She admitted she has issue and for the first time ever admitted its Bpd. So I proceeded to discuss it with her without trying to make  her feel small or belittled and after a few minutes she  wanted to drop it so I let it go and just acted like everything was fine the rest of the night and kept things light  didn't talk about anything serious or ask any questions about what she plans to do about the other guy and me  we had a great night  and every so often she would say things like I'm so confused or I've got issues. I just kept telling her it will be ok we will figure things out don't stress out about it  things will work out.  Of course we got close that night and she just kept telling me how right it felt how much she missed me and loved me during and said she wants to start hanging out more just not jump in to being 24/7 bf and gf and just keep things a little more casual not talk every day or hang out every chance she is free.  and is sorry for how things went down between us around my bday.

Then the next day she texted she didn't regret the night before but  she is  so confused and doesn't know what to do she likes N still. And I just told her it will be ok just take it day by day and I left it at that didn't talk about anything serious it ask any questions and kept our convo light

I'm sure I'm setting myself up to be hurt but I feel like I can't give up maybe love will prevail.