I hate vacations

[Dragon72]

I'm a high school teacher, so I get a LOT of vacation time.  But living with my uBP wife is so unpredictable and so tense, especially when I try even in a conciliatory and rational way to assert myself, that now I dread not being able to escape to work every day.  Now I have 3 weeks of walking on eggshells.  It's the least wonderful time of the year.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Anise]

Any way to pick up a hobby that would get you out of the house? Running, cycling, ballroom dancing.  Book club, rock climbing, hiking, etc.

[Dragon72]

Yes, I run lots mostly just to get away.  I also cook and clean and look after our son as much as possible to avoid conflict or confrontation.  I find that she dishes out the guilt trips in a big way whenever I take some "me" time (including going for a run).  It's soul destroying.

I do love spending time with our son but today she flew into a silent treatment rage when I suggested taking my son to a park while she spent time with her brother's wife. She insisted I stay with him at home. She has to be the centre of everything, controlling it and freaks out if ever I try to say how I want things to be done. 

Looking forward to my run tomorrow!

[Anise]

Maybe find a race to train for? Like a half marathon.  You can make a lot of new friends by joining a running group.

[theodorus]

I'm a high school teacher, so I get a LOT of vacation time.  But living with my uBP wife is so unpredictable and so tense, especially when I try even in a conciliatory and rational way to assert myself, that now I dread not being able to escape to work every day.  Now I have 3 weeks of walking on eggshells.  It's the least wonderful time of the year.

sigh... .like a crying toddler, or a whining dog or cat, it's best just to ignore her feelings.  :)o what you feel like, and if she guilt trips you, then ignore it.  I know it's easier said than done. I've basically become immune to her guilt trips because she's laid so many on me... .... .

The sad thing is, that she respects you more for it, even if she puts of a resistance.

Walk out the door, let her do her crying, and come back when 'you've' cooled down and feel ready.

[Dragon72]

Well I packed a bag and walked out this morning telling her I'm going to the house we have in a city nearby that lies empty most of the time.  How long for I don't know. 

I felt terrible saying goodbye to my 2 year old son.  I love him so much.

I also feel like my walking out this morning was a pathetic act of defiance, to show that she's not the boss of me, but frankly I'm sick of the way our relationship has become and I wanted to send a message. 

And deep down I am aware that her behaviour is driven by massive insecurities which will be only exacerbated by the dense of abandonment she will feel right now, but I didn't know how else to take a stand.

It's all futile, though.  Hell will freeze over before she admits any responsibility for the way I feel.

[Anise]

Good luck with your path.  I'm on the same path right now and it is not fun.

It sounds like what you did this morning was very reactive. . .once you get some space and calm to yourself, it would be a good thing to form a plan of how things are going to work out.  What it would look like if each poosible option were to materialize.  It will be much more sane for you if you can come from a proactive, planned state of mind.

[Lucky Jim]

Well done, Dragon72.  It seems like this was an authentic response to the situation.  It's hard, I know, to get any space in a marriage to a pwBPD, due to their rampant insecurities.  Those w/BPD can't help it, but nevertheless they are draining to be around after awhile.  I should know, after a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD!  Keep us posted and let us know how it goes at the house in the city. 

LuckyJim