I think I may have set myself back...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I recently contacted my ex as an alias on an online dating site. I felt a rush of happiness that I was chatting with him. He seemed so genuine and brought me up as his exgf (which sometimes I was just "a friend"- yea for 2 years ) and explained that we just didn't work but he missed me and my child. It was so heartwarming. I can't help but feeling he has changed and actually might miss us. I know he is in my area for work today he mentioned this to my alias. As he is once a week. I havent thought about him being here because he moved about 1.5 hours away late summer(we had remained together until about 5 weeks ago).  He told my alias that he has been having great career success. He struggled with paranoia when we were together and everyone at work was out to get him. I never agreed with him on that. He also mentioned that his ex (me) is most likely already in another relationship and is most likely happy, he doesn't want to interfere with that and I don't need him in my life.

Of course now I feel that I want to contact him as me and let him know how much I miss him. I will try to remain strong not to do that. From what I have read he is wearing his mask and has not changed at all. I guess I am always hopeful because I do love him so much.

I have since deleted that profile.

I am seeking advice. Even the harsh truth :'(

[butterfly15]

I recently contacted my ex as an alias on an online dating site. I felt a rush of happiness that I was chatting with him. He seemed so genuine and brought me up as his exgf (which sometimes I was just "a friend"- yea for 2 years ) and explained that we just didn't work but he missed me and my child. It was so heartwarming. I can't help but feeling he has changed and actually might miss us. I know he is in my area for work today he mentioned this to my alias. As he is once a week. I havent thought about him being here because he moved about 1.5 hours away late summer(we had remained together until about 5 weeks ago).  He told my alias that he has been having great career success. He struggled with paranoia when we were together and everyone at work was out to get him. I never agreed with him on that. He also mentioned that his ex (me) is most likely already in another relationship and is most likely happy, he doesn't want to interfere with that and I don't need him in my life.

Of course now I feel that I want to contact him as me and let him know how much I miss him. I will try to remain strong not to do that. From what I have read he is wearing his mask and has not changed at all. I guess I am always hopeful because I do love him so much.

I have since deleted that profile.

I am seeking advice. Even the harsh truth :'(

[Mutt]

Hi butterfly15,

Did you know that you could find him on the dating site? You are correct that the mask is his false sense of self that he displays to the world and to get to his authentic self buried in his pain that is difficult work through he would have to have therapy. This part time gradually fails in romantic relationships and we eventually become a trigger for our ex partners. I think that you may of had the opportunity to talk to him without triggering him and that he validated you by calling you his ex. It sounds like you had a nice conversation with him.

I missed my ex wife after she left and but after I giving it some thought , I actually felt lonelier in my marriage because she would push and would give me the silent treatment. A quote from the late Robin Williams.

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone."

I had to let go of the image of her that I met at the onset of the relationship, the woman that idealized me so that it would help speed up my recovery. I know that it's not an easy task but the person that you met at the end of the relationship is also a part of the same man. I know it's hard to let go of that special person we met at the beginning.

[thisworld]

Don't want to be the wet blanket here and I don't know if this is the truth, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you gave us permission. This is what my ex did all the time. Talking about his previous relationships with "love and compassion" - one of his most valuable overtures. In my world, which doesn't necessarily mean the truth of your situation, this created the façade of "good, sensitive guy." Very sensitive, misses these people and doesn't interfere with their boundaries. This heartwarming discourse impresses women a lot, triggers the rescuer instinct in some - he is pained but so noble about it. I also believe this is investment into potential triangulation. In my exes case, it was a form of twisted truth telling as well. If he failed to line replacements, he might find himself stuck in his mother's house in front of the computer all the time. His previous relationship - regardless of what happened there- was a better story -if he twisted it enough- than his real condition. And about his job, what is he going to say really? This is online dating.

I also think some women would find this off-putting ("hell, he isn't over her, yet. he is a waste of my time". This is economical and effective actually because it would help him end up with another helper.

I think there may be some truth in feeling better about you now that you are not together, but you know what happens when you come together. My ex was totally capable of keeping a blog of love letters for a woman and smearing her at the same time. It's about their needs at that moment I think.

These are my comments based on my experience, they don't actually mean anything about your ex and I truly hope you find happiness with or without him.

[Lonely_Astro]

I recently contacted my ex as an alias on an online dating site. I felt a rush of happiness that I was chatting with him. He seemed so genuine and brought me up as his exgf (which sometimes I was just "a friend"- yea for 2 years ) and explained that we just didn't work but he missed me and my child. It was so heartwarming. I can't help but feeling he has changed and actually might miss us. I know he is in my area for work today he mentioned this to my alias. As he is once a week. I havent thought about him being here because he moved about 1.5 hours away late summer(we had remained together until about 5 weeks ago).  He told my alias that he has been having great career success. He struggled with paranoia when we were together and everyone at work was out to get him. I never agreed with him on that. He also mentioned that his ex (me) is most likely already in another relationship and is most likely happy, he doesn't want to interfere with that and I don't need him in my life.

Of course now I feel that I want to contact him as me and let him know how much I miss him. I will try to remain strong not to do that. From what I have read he is wearing his mask and has not changed at all. I guess I am always hopeful because I do love him so much.

I have since deleted that profile.

I am seeking advice. Even the harsh truth :'(

I don't know your ex and I am speaking from my own experience with my pwBPD.  My story is well chronicled here so I won't rehash the past year with her (but she's been wearing a mask, hasn't changed that much from our first go around 4 years ago, and is wearing a new mask now).  What I will talk about is what has happened in the past few weeks since our last face to face encounter.  It relates to mask wearing and how it's just that, a mask.

J and I had a talk after she had pushed me away and kept me in limbo for almost a 3 months.  I didn't know the status of our relationship because she wouldn't give me a definite answer.  Well, when she finally agreed to meet me, we talked candidly but when she left we were still in limbo in many ways.  I don't think it was manipulation, I think it was merely she just didn't know what she really wanted.  I truly started the grieving process for her at that moment because I knew it was over (even if she wouldn't say it).  I have to stay LC with her because we work together, so 'true' NC is out of the question.  That has simply prolonged my pain.

We have a company charity event coming up and she was pressuring me very hard to be my partner.  This would, at some time during the evening, put us 1-1 with each other away from co-workers.  I was very skittish of agreeing to it because of that fact.  In the end, I agreed to it because she begged for me to say yes.  It wasn't a power play on my part, I was just torn between having her as my partner and not, you know?  I wanted to and I didn't want to at the same time.  Well, after I said yes, she went ST on me.  After two days of that, she called me (on my office phone) to come to her desk to ask me something.  When I got there, she asked me about a co-worker's ex-wife's name.  I thought it was odd, so I asked why she had asked.  She said it was because her soon to be ex-husband (M) had went on a date with that girl and she was just verifying that was her name.  Needless to say, I was quite perturbed with her not speaking to me for two days and then asking me a question in regards to M and her stalking him.  I also told her that being treated the way I was being treated by her was only prolonging my healing process and I didn't think we should be partners for the charity event.  I told her that I had only agreed to it because I had a moment of poor judgement and that it would do more harm than good.  I also told her that we both knew she had moved on and it was time for me to do the same.

That brings me to today and the new mask.  She profusely apologized for all that and begged me to keep my plans with her Friday.  I asked her why it meant so much to her that I be her partner, when we were clearly over.  She told me she wanted us to "be together Friday so we could talk".  During that, I took a risk.  I gambled that she had been seeing a co-worker of ours and I rolled that die.  It turns out that she had been on a date (or is dating?  I don't know, that wasn't quite defined) someone, but she is animate that it isn't a co-worker.  She claims I don't even know the guy and that she didn't start seeing him until "we were fully over" and she had done it because I obviously "didn't know what I wanted" (whatever that means, project much?).  Which, is complete BS because that was never defined in our last emotional talk.  I specifically and directly asked her if we were over and her reply was "I don't know.  I don't want to be.  We will figure this out together."  Does that sound final to anyone else?  But, that's BPD for you.  Plus, she only came clean about it because she thought I had found out she had had dinner with the new guy and that's why I had been "angry" with her all week (which is why I was given ST for 2 days - totally was in her mind).

Anyway, I'm not really sure what she wants to talk about with me Friday.  I mean, what can be said at this point?  But, she is wearing a new mask for this guy.  She claims that he knows all about me and our past, all the things she's done to me, and so on.  She didn't say if he knew she was BPD or not (I doubt it, she hates saying she has it).  So this guy either is a) a sucker b) has a rescuer complex or c) she's lying to me and fully wearing a mask for him.  So, in my experience, they can make themselves look vulnerable to anyone, if she has really told this guy all these things and he's still around (I never really thought about this until this moment, but wouldn't it be something if it's someone she met in group DBT?  Holy crap).  I'm sure she's left some details out or altered some things to him.  I mean, look at what she's doing to him already (I'm still in the picture, sort of, and she's begging to spend time with me on Friday).  She doesn't even see the issue with that. 

Oh and I should mention to you that J is medicated and going to DBT (or at least she told me that).  So, don't think for a second that your ex isn't wearing a mask to manipulate (even if its unintentional) and feed his own needs.

[Confused?]

A few things go through my head while I read this.

1. How do you know your ex didn't know that it was actually you. While I dated my exBPDgf she would often send me Facebook requests from fake profiles she would make to see if I accept them.

2. If he doesn't know it's you he is definately playing the victim role. No person on a dating site would ever talk to a potential partner by saying they miss their ex and they are probably in a relationship and all that stuff. Even by BPD standards there is no way. I could understand a few dates in but the first conversation you have with a stranger it wouldn't be brought up.

3. It sounds like he did a lot of talking. If you really went this far into wanting to know what he's been up to why didn't you ask how things ended between you too. Just to see what he would say. I'm not judging you by any means. There were times while me and my ex were together I wanted to do similar things like this but it seems to me like he knew it was you. At least to me.

[butterfly15]

A few things go through my head while I read this.

1. How do you know your ex didn't know that it was actually you. While I dated my exBPDgf she would often send me Facebook requests from fake profiles she would make to see if I accept them.

2. If he doesn't know it's you he is definately playing the victim role. No person on a dating site would ever talk to a potential partner by saying they miss their ex and they are probably in a relationship and all that stuff. Even by BPD standards there is no way. I could understand a few dates in but the first conversation you have with a stranger it wouldn't be brought up.

3. It sounds like he did a lot of talking. If you really went this far into wanting to know what he's been up to why didn't you ask how things ended between you too. Just to see what he would say. I'm not judging you by any means. There were times while me and my ex were together I wanted to do similar things like this but it seems to me like he knew it was you. At least to me.

I don't know. He could have. Maybe he was hoping? I don't. I do know I was confused and do miss him. Ugh!

[butterfly15]

Don't want to be the wet blanket here and I don't know if this is the truth, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you gave us permission. This is what my ex did all the time. Talking about his previous relationships with "love and compassion" - one of his most valuable overtures. In my world, which doesn't necessarily mean the truth of your situation, this created the façade of "good, sensitive guy." Very sensitive, misses these people and doesn't interfere with their boundaries. This heartwarming discourse impresses women a lot, triggers the rescuer instinct in some - he is pained but so noble about it. I also believe this is investment into potential triangulation. In my exes case, it was a form of twisted truth telling as well. If he failed to line replacements, he might find himself stuck in his mother's house in front of the computer all the time. His previous relationship - regardless of what happened there- was a better story -if he twisted it enough- than his real condition. And about his job, what is he going to say really? This is online dating.

I also think some women would find this off-putting ("hell, he isn't over her, yet. he is a waste of my time". This is economical and effective actually because it would help him end up with another helper.

I think there may be some truth in feeling better about you now that you are not together, but you know what happens when you come together. My ex was totally capable of keeping a blog of love letters for a woman and smearing her at the same time. It's about their needs at that moment I think.

These are my comments based on my experience, they don't actually mean anything about your ex and I truly hope you find happiness with or without him.

he did of course mentioned that he's a good guy.

[butterfly15]

Hi butterfly15,

Did you know that you could find him on the dating site?

yes. Unfortunately I did. He admitted to doing this towards the end of our relationship and I created an alias right before our r/s ended. He of course took the bait. I could t believe the conversation that was taking place. He has maintained the same profile since that day. So I know when he is on there.

[butterfly15]

Last night I received a text message from my ex... ."do you miss me"? I could see his pattern that I would most likely hear from him soon. He was online for what seemed like days. He is getting lonely. Unable to feed his hunger. Supply must be low. Also, he doesn't speak to his family and has very little friends. He has a lot of of people he keeps at arms length but no real friends. Apparently, I was his best friend. I dont know. It is almost Christmas. Last year he spent it with me. This year he will most likely be alone online looking for the perfect match.

[kc sunshine]

It totally sounds to me like he knew it was you.

[butterfly15]

It totally sounds to me like he knew it was you.

I don't know. I have created several profiles and each one he was completely different in his responses. One he was pretty much ready to have sex (didn't know my name or even what I looked like), the second he was very sad/depressed sounding and the most recent he was "normal-ish" with the exception of speaking of his ex.

Kc sunshine,

Do you feel because he reached out to me that he may have known it was me?

[butterfly15]

Oh and I should mention to you that J is medicated and going to DBT (or at least she told me that).  So, don't think for a second that your ex isn't wearing a mask to manipulate (even if its unintentional) and feed his own needs.

I think I know this. Having difficulty accepting it. I hope to be at peace sooner than later. However, this took almost 2 years of my life. It isn't going away overnight.

[kc sunshine]

Both things-- that he talked so much about you in the chat, but also that he reached out. Even if he didn't know for sure it was you, maybe it was a fantasy of it being you.

It's all very romantic (like in the pina colada song) but very dangerous.

I guess the best thing you could get from it is the reassurance that he loved you very much and that he is happy for your happiness. That's a big thing to hold on to. And a big thing to have as a last parting memory together/thought for each other.

[C.Stein]

I guess the best thing you could get from it is the reassurance that he loved you very much

I wish my ex would say/admit to this.  To this point, post discard has produced zero acknowledgement of her ever having any feelings for me at all, or a hardly even a relationship for that matter.

[butterfly15]

Both things-- that he talked so much about you in the chat, but also that he reached out. Even if he didn't know for sure it was you, maybe it was a fantasy of it being you.

It's all very romantic (like in the pina colada song) but very dangerous.

I guess the best thing you could get from it is the reassurance that he loved you very much and that he is happy for your happiness. That's a big thing to hold on to. And a big thing to have as a last parting memory together/thought for each other.

Yes. I think this has left me less anxious at least for now.