Why the silence when asking if we are over or not?

[CollateralDamage]

I just don't understand it.  Do BPD have no capability to just tell the non that it is over or not?  I caught her seeing another guy (proof too) that she never said anything about while she was starting to recycle me.  We are not back into anything except a great deal of text and phone calls (briefly).  If I say "I really want us" she will just say things like "I know".  I will ask if we can start things anew and try to move ahead, and see will give me hopeful comments and drop hints like she needs help with kids because SHE ONLY HAS HERSELF and NOBODY WILL HELP blah blah blah... .

But when I stick it straight to her, that I need to know if we are DONE DONE or she wants to try to reconcile... .I get silence... .

[C.Stein]

Maybe the only thing you can do here is not wait for an answer from her.  Make the best decision for yourself, whether it be moving on or waiting for her to decide if she wants to reconcile and be ok with the waiting.  Unless you want to continue in limbo these are really your only options, right?

[butterfly15]

I just don't understand it.  Do BPD have no capability to just tell the non that it is over or not?  I caught her seeing another guy (proof too) that she never said anything about while she was starting to recycle me.  We are not back into anything except a great deal of text and phone calls (briefly).  If I say "I really want us" she will just say things like "I know".  I will ask if we can start things anew and try to move ahead, and see will give me hopeful comments and drop hints like she needs help with kids because SHE ONLY HAS HERSELF and NOBODY WILL HELP blah blah blah... .

But when I stick it straight to her, that I need to know if we are DONE DONE or she wants to try to reconcile... .I get silence... .

If she tells you that you are done then she closes the door. pwBPD like to leave the doors open. At least part way... .

[Learning Fast]

I agree with butterfly.  pwBPD never want to close a door in the event they may need to slip back thru the crack in that door.  She probably wants to keep you tethered in orbit in the event she needs to bring you in from the BPD "bullpen".

I texted my exuBPDgf several times suggesting that if she wasn't interested in continuing any type of relationship that it would be best for me to move on.  Each time she emerged from ST with a reason as to why she wanted to remain in touch.  That being said, I've not heard from her for about 3 wks and don't plan to re-engage unsolicited.

LF

[hopealways]

That's because the one thing BPDs hate the most is CLOSURE. That's why she is not answering you.

[hurting300]

In the case of my ex it's because she is a selfish and childish bully.

[apollotech]

I agree with butterfly.  pwBPD never want to close a door in the event they may need to slip back thru the crack in that door.  She probably wants to keep you tethered in orbit in the event she needs to bring you in from the BPD "bullpen".

Hi Collateral,

This ^^^^. BPD is an attachment disorder; as a result, as you willingly participate in fulfilling her needs and she is allowed to control that (contact for example), she won't dissolve the attachment. She is emotionally unstable and calling the shots---not good. You are reactive rather than proactive---not good. How about this instead, you decide what you want/need and take control of the situation. If you make a decision about what you want/need and she doesn't follow through, stick by your guns regarding your decision.

[Confused?]

Me and my ex have been broken up for around a year and a half now. She replaced and discarded me like it was nothing. I have not contacted her since but she still contacts me. Almost every time she contacts me I ask her the same question. That question is "why after all this time do you keep contacting me". One of two things happen with this question. She either answers with I don't know or you are right I shouldn't be contacting you. Or she goes completely silent. Remember BPD are very impulsive and live in the moment. In your case your ex could be talking to you like everything is fine between you two. Then when asked about a relationship a lot of shame an guilt triggers her into hiding in her shell. It also has to do with what she wants. I can tell you one thing for certain. While I was being replaced and knew about it, I showed a lot of weakness and that is not attractive to pwBPD. If you really want to try your relationship over I think being neutral towards her and waiting for her to want a relationship with you is your best option. I was strung along for a few months before I decided to wise up and just be done with it. While I was being strung along I purchased an anniversary ring for her. I regret that big time. Is your ex currently seeing someone else?

[troisette]

When I finally ended it, ex was frantic to keep me as a "friend", this seems to have been his pattern. I guess it's a form of non-closure as he doesn't seem to have sexual relationships with his ex's (although I'm not sure of that).

I've been nc for three months now and it gives me a feeling of empowerment, that I'm in charge of my actions, not at the mercy of his flirtiness and playing triangulation games with other women. I'd recommend nc, tough at first. Gets easier as time passes and a sense of being in control of my life. Not the whims of ex.

[steve195915]

I just don't understand it.  Do BPD have no capability to just tell the non that it is over or not?  I caught her seeing another guy (proof too) that she never said anything about while she was starting to recycle me.  We are not back into anything except a great deal of text and phone calls (briefly).  If I say "I really want us" she will just say things like "I know".  I will ask if we can start things anew and try to move ahead, and see will give me hopeful comments and drop hints like she needs help with kids because SHE ONLY HAS HERSELF and NOBODY WILL HELP blah blah blah... .

But when I stick it straight to her, that I need to know if we are DONE DONE or she wants to try to reconcile... .I get silence... .

Yes this is typical BPD behavior, they don't like closure.  Mine asked me near the beginning of our relationship that if we didn't work out can we still be friends.  For all the split-ups, whenever I pressed her on an answer if we were completely over, she would not answer.  Prior to the final breakup I promised myself if she initiated a breakup again then I would be done.  So when she said it was over again via text and words, I just said I understand I hear her to be saying we are completely through with the relationship and that I would move on.  Her response to that was "I never said we were over".  LOL.   Currently we still keep in contact and it works for me though I know I won't go back.  You need to figure out what works for you, and whether you can have any sort of healthy relationship with her.  Just be knowledgeable that her keeping contact with you is to meet her needs, most likely as an option if other things don't work out. 

The more important question is how you are doing and have you thought if you would go back to her?  Does the contact with her a positive for you or does it cause more pain?  I suggest researching all about BPD so you can make wise choices. 

[CollateralDamage]

Well, she used a different number and called me the other night.  It was a deer in the headlights moment for me.  And of course, my people pleaser behavior kicked in so how could I just hang up right?  Ugh.

She immediately puts her 4 and 6 year old kids on the phone to talk to me... .this literally killed me since I had developed a great relationship with them.  They were kids... .asking when I am coming over to play and if we can go back to the zoo, etc.  Killed me.  Then she proceeds to start talking about that she is miserable and that she is on the outs with her mom, cousins, and one or two other people. I just started to hover over the conversation in 3rd person listening... .she was very prescriptive in her questions and needs/wants.  She was still in a "relationship" with my replacement, but kept asking me if I wanted to know what type of relationship she had with him.  I replied... .NO.  I don't care.  I know he has been in prison for 27 years on murder, so she has reached out to me now because she is in something that she realizes is bad.  Her separated husband found out earlier and is trying to take the kids away.  I feel that she is trying to hook me back in to be the "socially acceptable" pr guy for her so people will accept her again.  She kept saying she had no friends and is in a very deep dark situation at the moment.  She loves me etc, etc.  I was just in shock.  Even though I should have hung up, she actually validated my concerns and told me she was miserable and empty.  This gave me ammo to move on. 

I tried to end the call like 15 times saying this was the final goodbye, but she would bounce around to other questions, especially like one where she wanted to know if I would confront her replacement to protect her and the kids... .like she didn't even hear my final goodbyes. Finally, I had to say thank you for the call and validating my feelings, beliefs and giving me the "reason" for the pain she inflicted. Yes, she tried to do the friend speech, but I said hell no... .never will happen.  She then said she wanted us back and I said "this is our final goodbye"... .her last words were "You don't know what tomorrow will bring"... .

WOW... .still in shock I guess.

[steve195915]

Well, she used a different number and called me the other night.  It was a deer in the headlights moment for me.  And of course, my people pleaser behavior kicked in so how could I just hang up right?  Ugh.

She immediately puts her 4 and 6 year old kids on the phone to talk to me... .this literally killed me since I had developed a great relationship with them.  They were kids... .asking when I am coming over to play and if we can go back to the zoo, etc.  Killed me.  Then she proceeds to start talking about that she is miserable and that she is on the outs with her mom, cousins, and one or two other people. I just started to hover over the conversation in 3rd person listening... .she was very prescriptive in her questions and needs/wants.  She was still in a "relationship" with my replacement, but kept asking me if I wanted to know what type of relationship she had with him.  I replied... .NO.  I don't care.  I know he has been in prison for 27 years on murder, so she has reached out to me now because she is in something that she realizes is bad.  Her separated husband found out earlier and is trying to take the kids away.  I feel that she is trying to hook me back in to be the "socially acceptable" pr guy for her so people will accept her again.  She kept saying she had no friends and is in a very deep dark situation at the moment.  She loves me etc, etc.  I was just in shock.  Even though I should have hung up, she actually validated my concerns and told me she was miserable and empty.  This gave me ammo to move on. 

I tried to end the call like 15 times saying this was the final goodbye, but she would bounce around to other questions, especially like one where she wanted to know if I would confront her replacement to protect her and the kids... .like she didn't even hear my final goodbyes. Finally, I had to say thank you for the call and validating my feelings, beliefs and giving me the "reason" for the pain she inflicted. Yes, she tried to do the friend speech, but I said hell no... .never will happen.  She then said she wanted us back and I said "this is our final goodbye"... .her last words were "You don't know what tomorrow will bring"... .

WOW... .still in shock I guess.

Wow! Very interesting!   She is correct though, you don't know what tomorrow will bring, however you do know what it won't bring, (like you being back together with her). 

Do you have any enemies or people you hate that you can introduce her too?  She sure seems like the catch.  (Sorry , just being sarcastic).

I still keep in contact with my ex and listen and validate her feelings about all these horrible people and situations in her life.  After each contact I feel more validated in my decision to not have any future with her though I'm sure that's not her intent.  She's probably thinking she has me wrapped around her finger. 

[CollateralDamage]

Wow! Very interesting!   She is correct though, you don't know what tomorrow will bring, however you do know what it won't bring, (like you being back together with her). 

Do you have any enemies or people you hate that you can introduce her too?  She sure seems like the catch.  (Sorry , just being sarcastic).

I still keep in contact with my ex and listen and validate her feelings about all these horrible people and situations in her life.  After each contact I feel more validated in my decision to not have any future with her though I'm sure that's not her intent.  She's probably thinking she has me wrapped around her finger. 

LOL. I believe she thinks the same thing... .that I am wrapped at this point. The funny thing is that due to the site and things I have learned, the more she talks the more I am justified in staying away.

Come on now, this is a catch! I can set you up as a replacement... .I have her numerous numbers she uses, so one of the them may work hahahah (Sorry , just being sarcastic). Yeah, so she wants me back to extract her from her bed she made... .too bad the old saying states she has to lay in it now.  They will stoop to nothing to get their needs met.  I just have to remember that it is never about me. I am a tool that is being used to provide some need.

A good friend told me this and I apply it ever time during contact :  "Always ask what the end result will be".  In this case, I would be triangulated with a murderous felon playing the protector role. NO THANK YOU.

[CollateralDamage]

Im really trying to understand this and I DONT KNOW WHY.  Talking to her invokes me to analyze the ___ out everything.  If she wants to be with me, then why doesn't she just do it rather than string me along on hope and "you don't know what tomorrow will bring".  My T told me each time I talk with her it is the same as drinking a gallon of draino... .TOXIC.  I guess I operate from a logical standpoint as a protection mechanism, and just want this to end or begin... .either way.  She has a hold on me that is imaginary, yet real to my emotions. Especially when she uses the kids... .so DAMN hard. Yet I have the power to end it, but something in me says hold on.  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

Damn!  Does anyone relate to this?

[Joem678]

They need you.  It really depends on your relationship.  I think that is the important factor. 

[C.Stein]

Yet I have the power to end it, but something in me says hold on.

This is the only thing you need to be telling yourself.

I do understand the desire to hold on, I myself am having a hard time detaching.  In the end though, you are in control of your own destiny ... .choose wisely.