I think I started here in 2009... .and was here a LOT
... .it has taken years but I have worked through so much of the BPD parent and sibling stuff. In a lot of ways I feel much better and am SO incredibly happy to have the foo out of my life. The one thing that is still SO hard for me is finding healthy friendships. I am beginning to wonder if this is how it is always going to be and to be honest feel like just giving up on it. It has been years since I have had a healthy friendship. Probably close to 20 years. This past year has been especially hard for me. Our family has been repeatedly hit with lots of trauma and crisis. What has made it even worse are the so called friendships I have had, that have ended because for once I needed them and they were incapable of being there for me. It was like since I NEEDED to deal with what was happening --- my daughter having a miscarriage, husband losing his job, our home going into foreclosure and a few other things ----- these friends got upset with me... .accused me of being selfish, not being there for them, basically let me know what a lousy friend I was to them... .all the while knowing what our family has been dealing with. One started the push pull garbage... .mind games... .and letting me know how "hurt" she was all the time because I wasn't there for her. She never ONCE just asked if we were ok, let me just talk about my issues for a change... .nothing. Zero support. I finally ended it because I got tired of hearing it and knew what she was saying was far from true. Looking back the BPD flags had been there for a long time with her, unfortunately I just chose not to see it. The other was more narc and when our conversations stopped being about her 100% of the time, she started to let me know how HURT she was... .Both of these friends knew what was happening in our family and never just called with a hey what can I do for you... .do YOU need to talk... .nope it was always about them... .and when it couldn't be they both got pretty nasty.
Because of what happened with them and just some weird stuff with other people where I live... .I have been REALLY realizing just how harsh people can be and honestly don't feel strong enough to deal with it anymore. Our family is still going through all of this stuff. Except now our daughter is pregnant again
and due in March. And I have finally just closed myself off from people other than talking on facebook a little to a couple people and my family. I am just honestly scared of people now and how I attract the wrong ones... .the BPD's and narc's... .even after my own mom being a BPD/npd and my brother, somehow I am still shocked by the stuff these guys pull. I would love any tips or advice anyone has to turn things around. Right now I am content in my own little world
I have a small business that is doing well and I enjoy that and spending time with my family and doing my hobbies. Anyone else afraid of others after being beaten down so many times? I can feel a loss of self confidence too lately and I don't like that.
