Found out ex cheated on me.

[Polis_Ohio]

Yesterday I found out my ex-wife cheated on me early in our relationship with her ex. She has massive issues beyond just potential BPD (she thinks she has it).

Right now I am furious she never told me; I don't even feel that upset about sleeping with her ex since we were only dating a few months but if she lied to me that is the issue. I want to confront her about this but I have no idea if it's even worth it. Plus if I do, I'll seal my fate, so to speak, about seeing her son who I miss dearly, he was my "son" too.

This situation is very weird for me, I just don't know what to do. I know it's true she did this but what else did she do? What else did she lie about?

Do I have the right to bring this up with her? I am thinking of simply saying "I am being told you slept with your ex when we were together, is that true? If so why didn't you ever tell me?" and go from there. Who knows if she was even ever raped shortly after we started dating, like she says, I am hearing she probably wasn't because her story she told some people were different.

It takes a lot to make me mad and this does it. I think I have the right to know the truth, if she tells me.

[C.Stein]

The betrayal of trust due to lies and deception is one of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship.  It doesn't really matter what it was either.  It causes you to question everything, including yourself.  I was faced with the same thing in my relationship and I want answers too.  Thing is, I doubt I will ever get the real truth, even if I did it wouldn't be the whole truth.  It would be a mix of truth, finger pointed, justification, excuses, blame shifting and probably more lies.  It is difficult to get the truth from someone when they lie to themselves more than they do to others.

At this point what purpose do you think it would serve to "out" her?   If she lied about it then she will probably lie about it now and you will have gained nothing and might lose something as a result. 

[Mutt]

Hi Polis_Ohio,

Trust your intuition. The bigger picture is visiting her son and you will trigger shame if you ask her and you run the risk of being split black with knowledge that she cheated.

[Polis_Ohio]

Hi Polis_Ohio,

Trust your intuition. The bigger picture is visiting her son and you will trigger shame if you ask her and you run the risk of being split black with knowledge that she cheated.

Yes good point Mutt. I did not bring it up but her/my friend who I spoke to about it did. She texted me saying she did not cheat, we were only dating two weeks at that time and she regrets doing it. I told her I figured it was early on and as I told her/my friend I didn't even know if we were exclusive. I didn't care she did it but I never knew.

She was cordial about it and pretty terse after that. I'm not sure where I stand with her. Her/my friend tells me she is upset I don't come to her with these things but he told her that she has a history of lying, there is no reason I would come to her since the truth is not clear anyway. Hopefully she gets that.

He told her she has to make up her mind either be friends with me and stop acting mean towards me at random times or stop talking to me and tell me. She is upset she wants to be my friend but also feels like she cannot at the same time. That is weird, I am nothing but friendly to her.

[lovenature]

To a pwBPD feelings=facts; nothing you can say or do will change that, usually just makes things worse. They have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old; you can't have a rational conversation and reason with them. From what you have said you know logically you can't trust her; what is best for you overall?