Is there something in me that attracted a BPD?

[mhovet]

It's been 3 weeks since I've detached from my ex who I'm convinced has BPD.  We were together just under 3 years, and the episodes and ups and downs almost a bi-weekly event throughout the last year. I was drawn to his shy, sweet, and thoughtful personality years ago.  We ended up breaking up last year, coming back together, and then had few to no episodes for a few months!  We talked about our complete acceptance and love for each other.  We engaged shortly after, in August.  Just two months following our engagement the episodes returned.

He often said things to me like I just need to "truly commit" to him, although I was committed.  He was very sensitive and there always seemed to be something that bothered him on a daily basis.  I tried to even this out and bring light into his life. 

A few weeks ago I ran into him on a date with another woman.  This was a complete surprise to me, gut wrenching.  He denied he was ever unfaithful to me "while we were together", although we were just together a few days prior.  I didn't understand how he could justify such an act. 

He said that "I needed to step up and fight for the man I love".  It's like he really felt he could get me back by cheating on me.  He said "I let him slip through his fingers" and he wished that I would "just commit".  He said that based on my reaction, "I must really love him so why don't I do my part to make us work". 

After this event, I decided there was no turning back.  I knew I could never trust him again.  He continued to leave messages for the next few weeks where his comments went back and forth between trying to make me feel guilty about "not committing to him", how "it's my fault", ... .to telling me he's realized "no one will ever compare to me and the love that we had, and he wants us back", but he "can't do it alone". 

I find myself questioning myself who I might attract now.  I was drawn to this person for his sweet, calm, kind personality.  In part, perhaps, because my ex-husband and father of my daughter (divorce was 10 years ago) has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and these traits felt safe.  I learned to avoid the "overly-confident" men and other extreme traits.  It took a long time to truly get through that period of my life and back to a healthy spot.   

Now this.  I'm generally a very strong and independent 35 year old women, who has built a happy home with my daughter and successful career.  Is there something in me that attracts the "insecure" type that underpins NPD or BPD?

Thank you for listening ... .this is my first post.

[kc sunshine]

Hi mhovet and welcome  !

I ask myself the same question!

The things you point to about your ex really point to BPD, and resonate with my experience as well.

1) the making you prove our love and commitment (they say here that the tests never stop, and actually when you do the thing that most proves it-- say moving in with them or getting married-- that's when the devaluation and discard often kick in heaviest)

2) blaming you for his terrible behavior (that must have been so hard to see him, just awful).

3) the push pull of his comments afterwards

In your relationship, would be get very angry? That was a big red flag for me in mine.

[C.Stein]

Welcome to the land of BPD discards.  

Many here have experienced similar situations and completely confused when our ex tries to justify questionable or wrong actions.  It boggles your mind.  I am sincerely sorry you have to deal with that, it quite simply sucks.

I might suggest doing some reading on codependency to see if this might apply to you.  It might answer your question about why you are attracted to these types of men.  

Please feel free to share more of your story here.  This forum can help you see things more clearly, it has for me.  


 

[mhovet]

KC sunshine ... .thanks for your reply ... .

He would show anger through his words ... .like a child in an argument ... .like he just flipped on a switch ... .he would suddenly be nasty ... .there would be no compromise or love shown whatsoever during the episodes... .he would throw out hurtful comments, tell me what "I'm not doing" ... .Basically unloading. 

He seemed to be constantly on the lookout for any wrongdoings being done towards him and he would be set off ... .and would jump to conclusions that I wasn't showing care for him, etc., that I couldn't change his mind on.  His reaction to things would usually be based on black and white thinking that I couldn't argue with and he wouldn't budge on.  I felt like I was always chasing him to come back, waiting for him to be reasonable again.  Over time, he stopped being reasonable more often, seemed to always be upset, and stopped showing any remorse or responsibility at all.

Interesting thing is ... .on one occasion he would say things that have me hope ... .that seemed real and match his actions.  He told me he didn't think he could handle any relationship right now because life itself was hard enough.  He seemed depressed and asked for my help.  Comments like these seemed to "be real" ... .but the next day, he would switch ... .and would be confident it was "all my fault and I needed to change".  We were either great or terrible it seemed.