here we go

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, my ex finally made contact. She seems to be making an honest effort at sincerity, although there is no actual apology. This was through the mail. I don't know that I feel comfortable responding via text. I was thinking about sending a letter myself. I worry that will trigger her because she won't have a response right away. (Thoughts?)

I am willing to recycle, but not willing to have things be as they were before. The best I can figure, it was her irritability and withdrawl with no warning, and especially her ending the relationship a plethora of times as a way to deal with conflict, that are my main issues. The leaving needs to stop. The irritability needs to be worked on. I am more prepared to deal with how I respond to the irritability when it happens, rather than expect a complete change from her (that won't happen, it's not realistic).

I don't want her to feel shot down. I don't want her to feel criticized. I also feel I need to state my boundaries now, because otherwise I'm only waiting for her to do it again. I'm scared stating a boundary will make her change her mind about reconnecting. It also seems like, if she can't handle a boundary, she wasn't going to change anyway. It would be hard for her to change her mind, but not nearly as hard as it would be if I reconnected for the next few months (at best), only to have her leave again.

Thoughts on how to phrase this?

[whitebackatcha]

So, my ex finally made contact. She seems to be making an honest effort at sincerity, although there is no actual apology. This was through the mail. I don't know that I feel comfortable responding via text. I was thinking about sending a letter myself. I worry that will trigger her because she won't have a response right away. (Thoughts?)

I am willing to recycle, but not willing to have things be as they were before. The best I can figure, it was her irritability and withdrawl with no warning, and especially her ending the relationship a plethora of times as a way to deal with conflict, that are my main issues. The leaving needs to stop. The irritability needs to be worked on. I am more prepared to deal with how I respond to the irritability when it happens, rather than expect a complete change from her (that won't happen, it's not realistic).

I don't want her to feel shot down. I don't want her to feel criticized. I also feel I need to state my boundaries now, because otherwise I'm only waiting for her to do it again. I'm scared stating a boundary will make her change her mind about reconnecting. It also seems like, if she can't handle a boundary, she wasn't going to change anyway. It would be hard for her to change her mind, but not nearly as hard as it would be if I reconnected for the next few months (at best), only to have her leave again.

Thoughts on how to phrase this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi, I don't see a problem in responding via text , short and simple .

As for reconciling , I would say to practice what you learned here , listen and validate , let her vent and slowly build back up her trust in you , don't wait for an apology , would it make a difference if she did or not ?

And remember you can't fix her but you can help her ,she has to be the one that is willing to improve herself .

And that's a big step, if she confess Let it come from her first ,boundaries at this time isn't an option it could be latter on when she's willing , she took the first step to contact you right ?

[livednlearned]

Hi whitebackatcha,

What kind of boundaries are you thinking about?

Her leaving and coming back is the way she tries to establish independence (individuation). She has an unstable sense of self, and has rudimentary skills to manage the intensity of how she feels in intimate relationships. You mention not wanting her to feel shot down, and not wanting her to feel criticized. It's also important that she not feel controlled (no one likes this, people with BPD even less so).

How do you respond when she's irritable?

As for the letter, how do things usually work when you reconnect? I would hold off on an intense letter for now.

LnL

[whitebackatcha]

Hi whitebackatcha,

What kind of boundaries are you thinking about?

Her leaving and coming back is the way she tries to establish independence (individuation). She has an unstable sense of self, and has rudimentary skills to manage the intensity of how she feels in intimate relationships. You mention not wanting her to feel shot down, and not wanting her to feel criticized. It's also important that she not feel controlled (no one likes this, people with BPD even less so).

How do you respond when she's irritable?

As for the letter, how do things usually work when you reconnect? I would hold off on an intense letter for now.

LnL

I want a boundary about her ending the relationship when she is upset. I understand that I can't force her to do anything, but this is no longer something I can live with.

I'd like to avoid a super serious letter too, but then I don't know when to address this. She's behaved terribly, and she knows it. I always take her back as though nothing happened, to make things easy on her. At this point, I see I just enabled her. It makes no sense to act like nothing happened. She also clearly put a lot of care into what she sent. She is not the type to gush or flatter (she seems to be an anomaly with that).

Yes, control is huge with her. Huge.

Usually she leaves, and I have chased. I slowly stopped chasing, and I actually think that is part of why all this happened. I have always been nice when she comes back,  like nothing happened. She would be gone one day to one week. This has been the only time ever that it has been months. I contacted twice with no response, both positive messages. I think she really just wanted to be done, not just have space.

[whitebackatcha]

Oh, when she's irritable, I have tried ignoring it and trying to balance it with positivity. She reacts if I ask how she feels, or use any feeling words she hasn't already used herself (which she rarely does). She also reacts if I use any of the validation phrases I have read here.

I need better ways to deal with it other than ignoring and positivity. It felt abusive, and I became constantly on edge.

[babyducks]

hi whitebackatcha,

my two cents.  I would acknowledge the letter and the effort that went into it, so that she isn't left hanging.   something along the lines of Hi I received your letter and you've given me a lot to think about.   I would also tell her when to expect a response from you since my partner does better when she knows when I will be in touch again.   something along the lines of I will respond more fully through such and such a media on such and such a time.  no surprises.

I agree with livenlearnded, I would hold off on any intense topics for now.   From my perspective just because she reestablished contact, and you are willing to resituate the relationship doesn't mean the foundation is there for a discussion of this magnitude.  

I would definitely keep stating the boundaries I have established inside my own head, quietly to myself.    Reminding myself in a way.   But not necessarily sharing them.    Since a boundary is for me, sometimes I don't feel I need to share it.     that might only work for ducks.  

'ducks

[babyducks]

I need better ways to deal with it other than ignoring and positivity. It felt abusive, and I became constantly on edge.

it takes some practice and some effort.   validation sounds simple but it sure isn't easy.   and it doesn't always work.   I don't think anything works 100% of the time.   

I find it easier to deal with the highly intense emotions when I am in a better place myself, very centered, very NOT reactive.   If I am reactive, I react to her, she reacts to me, I react more to her, she reacts more to me and we are off to the races.

I try to slow things down.   Since coming here and learning as much as I could I no longer react impulsively myself,  I have embedded into my own understand "ah-Ha moments of I know what this is" and I don't take things personally any longer.   

either/or questions can help.   asking an open ended question like "what do you want me to do?"   doesn't usually get me a decent response.    asking a question like "you seem like something may be bothering you, would it help if I gave you some space for 20 minutes or would you rather I stayed and talked for 20 minutes?"  (notice the time limits?)

[whitebackatcha]

hi whitebackatcha,

my two cents.  I would acknowledge the letter and the effort that went into it, so that she isn't left hanging.   something along the lines of Hi I received your letter and you've given me a lot to think about.   I would also tell her when to expect a response from you since my partner does better when she knows when I will be in touch again.   something along the lines of I will respond more fully through such and such a media on such and such a time.  no surprises.

I agree with livenlearnded, I would hold off on any intense topics for now.   From my perspective just because she reestablished contact, and you are willing to resituate the relationship doesn't mean the foundation is there for a discussion of this magnitude.  

I would definitely keep stating the boundaries I have established inside my own head, quietly to myself.    Reminding myself in a way.   But not necessarily sharing them.    Since a boundary is for me, sometimes I don't feel I need to share it.     that might only work for ducks.  

'ducks

When do I address the boundary then? I want to prevent it if possible, not wait until it happens again to say something. I guess I don't even know what to say to her. I appreciate the effort, here is a gift in return, I miss you? And that's it? I'm scared of getting reattached with someone who will never agree to even attempt to respect my boundary.

I feel I should let her know when to expect a response too. I can see her reacting that she didn't say she was worried in the first place.

[whitebackatcha]

I try to slow things down.   Since coming here and learning as much as I could I no longer react impulsively myself,  I have embedded into my own understand "ah-Ha moments of I know what this is" and I don't take things personally any longer.   

either/or questions can help.   asking an open ended question like "what do you want me to do?"   doesn't usually get me a decent response.    asking a question like "you seem like something may be bothering you, would it help if I gave you some space for 20 minutes or would you rather I stayed and talked for 20 minutes?"  (notice the time limits?)

To be fair, I put a huge amount of time into trying to figure out the best way to respond to her. I think I was just too needy to be able to handle it not immediately eliminating conflict, and never had a proactive boundary that allowed me to leave situations that felt uncomfortable. Although again, I started doing this and I think that's what caused this.

I'm not trying to shoot down everything you're saying, I'm just trying to include the full picture. She basically doesn't seem to like any mention or implication that she has any feelings other than the ones she has explicitly labeled herself. I have received the best responses when I have just said "okay" or "that makes sense."

I'll think more about the either/or. Does that work with a partner who can't stand feeling controlled? I like the idea.

[babyducks]

When do I address the boundary then? I want to prevent it if possible, not wait until it happens again to say something. I guess I don't even know what to say to her. I appreciate the effort, here is a gift in return, I miss you? And that's it? I'm scared of getting reattached with someone who will never agree to even attempt to respect my boundary.

I feel I should let her know when to expect a response too. I can see her reacting that she didn't say she was worried in the first place.

let's turn this around and look at it from her point of view, just as a thought exercise.    she sends a message.   It seems sincere.   maybe an olive branch?   maybe nostalgia?   maybe trying to kindle something?  maybe a Christmas spirit thing? maybe all of the above?   you know her best what do you think was going on?

if you were to express your boundary right now, how would that look to her?   She's opened the door.   Depending on how you worded the messaged, a boundary expression could appear to be slamming the door back shut.   And I don't think that is what you want right now today.

Leave the door open a crack,  invite her in for tea and some conversation.   Catch up on each others news.   One conversation does not a relationship make.   Be honest.   Be cool.    Don't try to solve all your problems in one letter or one message.   Set a small and easy attainable goal.   Do you want to talk to her again?   Do you want to have one conversation that ends on a positive note?  Those sound like good goals.    r/s are saved or made in small increments.   

[babyducks]

. She basically doesn't seem to like any mention or implication that she has any feelings other than the ones she has explicitly labeled herself. I have received the best responses when I have just said "okay" or "that makes sense."

I'll think more about the either/or. Does that work with a partner who can't stand feeling controlled? I like the idea.

If that is a trigger for her, for what ever reason,   it's good that you've identified it.   You can avoid it.   

A lot of times when I give my partner an either/or.   Do you want to go to X or Y for dinner, she will come back and say No I want to go to A.   Which is fine with me.   If I ask where do you want to go for dinner I will usually get.  I don't know.

[steve195915]

hi whitebackatcha,

my two cents.  I would acknowledge the letter and the effort that went into it, so that she isn't left hanging.   something along the lines of Hi I received your letter and you've given me a lot to think about.   I would also tell her when to expect a response from you since my partner does better when she knows when I will be in touch again.   something along the lines of I will respond more fully through such and such a media on such and such a time.  no surprises.

I agree with livenlearnded, I would hold off on any intense topics for now.   From my perspective just because she reestablished contact, and you are willing to resituate the relationship doesn't mean the foundation is there for a discussion of this magnitude.  

I would definitely keep stating the boundaries I have established inside my own head, quietly to myself.    Reminding myself in a way.   But not necessarily sharing them.    Since a boundary is for me, sometimes I don't feel I need to share it.     that might only work for ducks.  

'ducks

When do I address the boundary then? I want to prevent it if possible, not wait until it happens again to say something. I guess I don't even know what to say to her. I appreciate the effort, here is a gift in return, I miss you? And that's it? I'm scared of getting reattached with someone who will never agree to even attempt to respect my boundary.

I feel I should let her know when to expect a response too. I can see her reacting that she didn't say she was worried in the first place.

Your thoughts on your relationship were exactly like mine so I thought I'd give you my story.  

I had decided that I would do everything possible one last time to keep my relationship together.  My stipulation (the boundary I set) was no more breakups, and no cheating obviously.  I did my research on BPD, I learned validation, empathy, not to take things personal and let things go without responding either to defend myself or no attacks on her or pointing out any of her flaws.  I was willing to accept certain things like her verbal attacks, moodiness, jealousy issues and her outbursts of anger.

So our relationship began to go much better.  Whenever she would get triggered, my actions and responses were able to diffuse the situation.  :)epending on the particular situation when she put me down or called me a name I learned how to best deal with it.  If it was over some random non-issue thing;  I found it worked best if I just ignored what she said, and things just went on like nothing was said.  It worked, everything was fine after a minute if I didn't address it.  In some cases I would validate her feelings (that doesn't mean I agree with them) and that worked as well.   So no major arguments, extremely little negative confrontations of any kind for over a month, and I was starting to think I can beat the odds.  Well we went away camping for 4 days.  A great time!  She had a couple moments where she had to throw that insult at me but I ignored it and it never went further than that.  So the night I dropped her off after the camping trip, we held each other so tight and kissed with deep emotion.   I could sense the intense feelings between us and the sadness to be apart after 4 days straight with each other.  Later that night she texted me, said how great of a time she had and missed me so much already, how I am so amazing, that she loves me with all her heart and soul, and that I can always count on her that she will always be there for me.  Wow!  Two days after that, I get a text, "I'm through with this relationship, thanks, goodbye".  No explanation, no previous disagreements or fights... .nothing.  So after 3 days without contact she contacts me, we talk and initially she is very negative and of course with no closure given.  I just say I understand her to be saying that our relationship is over and I will have to accept that and will move on.  After I said that she paused and said "I never said it was over".  I didn't pursue talking about our relationship after that.  Same old thing though, and I'm not doing it anymore.  

So I'm keeping to my boundary and my promise to myself.  I realize now that she has an illness that can't be cured or bargained with, it can't be overcome with my love, understanding and kindness.   If you think you can bargain with her and she will agree that she won't leave you again when she's triggered, and that she would actually hold to this, you are fooling yourself.  Remember you are talking to a person with an incurable illness.

Is there hope?  The only chance I have heard of (even limited success is very rare) is if they get therapy (DPT).  This is a long time effort with the best result being that they learn how to manage their feelings a a little better.  It doesn't mean they will be cured and you will live happily ever after.

Hope my story gets you to think.  It's your choice and your life and you need to do what you think is best for you.

[JaneStorm]

I had to accept that when my BPDex was 'flooded', it was inevitable that he was going to break up. Instead of forbidding that response (which I came to understand was part of the uncontrolled response), we agreed on rules while he was off on his own (neither of us becoming involved with others). Of course, after a while, when he got enough of those breaks under his belt, he informed me that the agreement was off. Like a child, spitting the most hurtful things back to me.

I just stepped back and let it go... .no chase. No beg. No retaliation. Just came back into my own body and mind.

[whitebackatcha]

let's turn this around and look at it from her point of view, just as a thought exercise.    she sends a message.   It seems sincere.   maybe an olive branch?   maybe nostalgia?   maybe trying to kindle something?  maybe a Christmas spirit thing? maybe all of the above?   you know her best what do you think was going on?

if you were to express your boundary right now, how would that look to her?   She's opened the door.   :)epending on how you worded the messaged, a boundary expression could appear to be slamming the door back shut.   And I don't think that is what you want right now today.

Leave the door open a crack,  invite her in for tea and some conversation.   Catch up on each others news.   One conversation does not a relationship make.   Be honest.   Be cool.    Don't try to solve all your problems in one letter or one message.   Set a small and easy attainable goal.   :)o you want to talk to her again?   :)o you want to have one conversation that ends on a positive note?  Those sound like good goals.    r/s are saved or made in small increments.   

That does make sense.

Okay. From her perspective, if I respond by including how she screwed up, that is primarily what she will hear. That is why I'm having a hard time. I have one side telling me it isn't a good idea because of how she will hear it. I have another saying I can't control how she reacts, and I need to quit being scared to have boundaries.

I'm hearing what you're saying. I need a plan on when and how to address my boundary. If I don't have that, it just feels like another time I gave in because I was scared she would leave.I don't see a way to address it if it's in the middle of happening because it will be when she is completely triggered.

[whitebackatcha]

I had to accept that when my BPDex was 'flooded', it was inevitable that he was going to break up. Instead of forbidding that response (which I came to understand was part of the uncontrolled response), we agreed on rules while he was off on his own (neither of us becoming involved with others). Of course, after a while, when he got enough of those breaks under his belt, he informed me that the agreement was off. Like a child, spitting the most hurtful things back to me.

I just stepped back and let it go... .no chase. No beg. No retaliation. Just came back into my own body and mind.

That makes sense to me. I don't think I can live with that. I think I will have to be okay with space more than I like, and I'm okay with figuring out what will work for her at those times. I expect to be uncomfortable, you know? This is a side issue, but I feel like all these accomocations can easily turn into enabling. The literature about BPD says as much. It's just essentially impossible to know for any given person what they can and can't do. It is possible she is incapable of not breaking up. It is also possible that, given the space to move about, she won't resort to that. That's on her, regardless.

Good for you for not chasing. It's heartbreaking, how they can be.

[whitebackatcha]

Your thoughts on your relationship were exactly like mine so I thought I'd give you my story.  

That does sound very similar. It will likely end up that way for me as well. I'm trying to prepare myself for that. I need to do this to know I did what I could. It is all very sad, for both her and me.

[babyducks]

I'm hearing what you're saying. I need a plan on when and how to address my boundary. If I don't have that, it just feels like another time I gave in because I was scared she would leave.I don't see a way to address it if it's in the middle of happening because it will be when she is completely triggered.

Just because she is back in contact doesn't mean you need to rekindle the relationship at her pace, or at all.    Waverider talks about this a lot on the Staying board and I am not sure I will get the essence of his message but let me give it a shot.   Being reactive to her needs/wants and emotions leaves us tired and on eggs shells.   Identifying what we want and the pace we want to take to get there is job one.   Staying in the center of the road rather than chasing to her extremes serves us better.  

How would a plan on your boundary start?   What would be the first thing that you could put in place that would make you feel very comfortable about this?

[JaneStorm]

I had to accept that when my BPDex was 'flooded', it was inevitable that he was going to break up. Instead of forbidding that response (which I came to understand was part of the uncontrolled response), we agreed on rules while he was off on his own (neither of us becoming involved with others). Of course, after a while, when he got enough of those breaks under his belt, he informed me that the agreement was off. Like a child, spitting the most hurtful things back to me.

I just stepped back and let it go... .no chase. No beg. No retaliation. Just came back into my own body and mind.

That makes sense to me. I don't think I can live with that. I think I will have to be okay with space more than I like, and I'm okay with figuring out what will work for her at those times. I expect to be uncomfortable, you know? This is a side issue, but I feel like all these accomocations can easily turn into enabling. The literature about BPD says as much. It's just essentially impossible to know for any given person what they can and can't do. It is possible she is incapable of not breaking up. It is also possible that, given the space to move about, she won't resort to that. That's on her, regardless.

Good for you for not chasing. It's heartbreaking, how they can be.

I spent a year chasing! This did not happen easily for me. It is heart breaking. He has driven down (we live 40 miles apart in different counties), on a whim because he is afraid I am not honoring the agreement (that HE said does not apply now). He just sits outside of my house while I sleep and texts veiled accusations, then leaves. I wake every morning dreading to see my texts. Will he? Won't he?

He will never understand, I don't need the agreement; I value myself enough not to give my body away because I am hurt. I don't know that he has contacted females physically, but I bet $$ he has been pulling down his satellites by text... .priming them.

There can be no life built on whims, fickleness, and spite. Until they are ready to take that painful look at themselves, this is a baaaaaaaad rerun.  :'(

[steve195915]

Your thoughts on your relationship were exactly like mine so I thought I'd give you my story.  

That does sound very similar. It will likely end up that way for me as well. I'm trying to prepare myself for that. I need to do this to know I did what I could. It is all very sad, for both her and me.

I totally understand.  If I walked away and didn't give it one last chance, I would have always been wondering "what if", and I would never have found any peace.  I really knew also my chances were not good, and the outcome was inevitable but I'm glad I tried that one last time. 

I wish you well!

[whitebackatcha]

Just because she is back in contact doesn't mean you need to rekindle the relationship at her pace, or at all.    Waverider talks about this a lot on the Staying board and I am not sure I will get the essence of his message but let me give it a shot.   Being reactive to her needs/wants and emotions leaves us tired and on eggs shells.   Identifying what we want and the pace we want to take to get there is job one.   Staying in the center of the road rather than chasing to her extremes serves us better.  

How would a plan on your boundary start?   What would be the first thing that you could put in place that would make you feel very comfortable about this?

Yes, that is exactly what I want to do.

I need to know when I can bring it up. If it's the wrong time now, I don't see when it will be the right time. There will never be a relationship-defining talk. She isn't comfortable with that. I can go slowly, sure. Maybe it will fall apart before it's serious anyway. Fine. But I'm unclear how long I'm supposed to talk to her before I can mention this when there will never be a time when she has any interest in a formal discussion.

[whitebackatcha]

I totally understand.  If I walked away and didn't give it one last chance, I would have always been wondering "what if", and I would never have found any peace.  I really knew also my chances were not good, and the outcome was inevitable but I'm glad I tried that one last time. 

I wish you well!

Thanks! How sad that I'll probably be back crying later. But honestly, I've been doing really well on my own. I can see how that is an easier path to take in a lot of ways. I at least know I will be okay.

[livednlearned]

I want a boundary about her ending the relationship when she is upset. I understand that I can't force her to do anything, but this is no longer something I can live with.

A couple of thoughts on this.

One is that her ending the relationship is a coping mechanism based on an intense need to individuate -- it's not personal, although certainly understandable if it feels that way. You can read about this more here, about how we struggle in these relationships.

Another thought is that boundaries are about protecting us. They are very different than controlling them. Like you said, you cannot force her to change. Walking away from conversations that become verbally abusive -- that's a boundary. Telling her, with validation/empathy, how you feel about certain behaviors, how you will respond to those boundaries (without controlling or shaming her), that's a boundary.

If you have boundaries, it's important to be consistent. You have to be prepared to follow through.

[whitebackatcha]

I want a boundary about her ending the relationship when she is upset. I understand that I can't force her to do anything, but this is no longer something I can live with.

A couple of thoughts on this.

One is that her ending the relationship is a coping mechanism based on an intense need to individuate -- it's not personal, although certainly understandable if it feels that way. You can read about this more here, about how we struggle in these relationships.

Another thought is that boundaries are about protecting us. They are very different than controlling them. Like you said, you cannot force her to change. Walking away from conversations that become verbally abusive -- that's a boundary. Telling her, with validation/empathy, how you feel about certain behaviors, how you will respond to those boundaries (without controlling or shaming her), that's a boundary.

If you have boundaries, it's important to be consistent. You have to be prepared to follow through.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Everything they do is about them, though. Being abusive is their attempt to manage emotions as well. It doesn't mean we can just not take it personally and come back later. It just seems easier to not start up again if she can't control it, than to start, wait for the inevitable, try to convince myself it doesn't matter,  and the cycle continues. Is saying "being in a relationship where this happens no longer works for me" controlling or shaming?

[guy4caligirl]

Hi white ,

I am going through the same stage you're in right now ... .Out of the blue my ex BPD got in touch with me 3 weeks ago .B/U a year and a half ago .

I think simply she needs my help and I understand that , I can differentiate now between both  the illness and the person.

We have been in contact daily , I can say she's having a difficult time and her new R/S / engagement is falling apart and about to end .

BPD or none we all seek in time of a romantic crises the last one we were in love with , for validation , help , needs , or whatever the reasons might be .

The problem is we get so wrapped up into reconciliation , but that does not mean that's what she's seeking right now even if when she left she plunged into a commitment right away .Strange how that works for them .

 :)on't expect she would plunge with you "Right away ".

You can't change the situation but to listen and validate and give an advise if she asks for .

If you are wiling to reconcile give it your best shot since the moment had come that you've been waiting for ,especially after you learned so much about the behavior , you lost once or twice so what if you loose this time also . It won't burn you as it did when it first happened Right ? Give it your best shot .

Baby steps... .They say , that IS a hard one ! we all want an instant result human nature , Empathy , sympathy forgiveness , understanding , listening , speak for yourself and not  for them , even go the extra step to help them coop with their illness BUT of course when they are ready not you . It will happen , it's happening now in my case .

I am not afraid of saying the wrong things in a good way , I have to be myself . And believe me they are so smart that they can tell how sincere you can be or not.

The question is how long can you keep your calm and wait for your positive result like a reconciliation perhaps ?

[babyducks]

Telling her, with validation/empathy, how you feel about certain behaviors, how you will respond to those boundaries (without controlling or shaming her), that's a boundary.

hi white

If I was to follow livednlearned assignment, the validation empathy statement I would write, (using your example) would look something like this:

When our relationship severs abruptly I know it's very hard on both of us.   I feel hurt and uncertain.    I know that in the past conflict has gotten pretty intense between us and I don't want to go down that road again.    I would like to talk about taking time outs instead of ending things.   This is important to me.   I would like things to be different and better between us.

how would you word it?  

'ducks

[livednlearned]

Is saying "being in a relationship where this happens no longer works for me" controlling or shaming?

Like 'ducks is saying, we can say things like this in a lot of different ways.

"If you walk out on me on more time, we're done. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

"You keep breaking up with me and I can't take it anymore. So let's try one more time... ."

Or, the way 'ducks proposed:

"When our relationship severs abruptly I know it's very hard on both of us.   I feel hurt and uncertain.    I know that in the past conflict has gotten pretty intense between us and I don't want to go down that road again.    I would like to talk about taking time outs instead of ending things.   This is important to me.   I would like things to be different and better between us."

Honestly, it someone presented my options like the first two, I would feel defensive and shamed, and I'm not BPD. Someone who is BPD, with her degree of sensitivity, will feel even more so. "You either be like this, or I will reject you."

The alternative, what 'ducks proposes, is to say how you feel, showing empathy for her, and propose a solution that focuses on your boundaries -- take a time out when the conflict escalates. Alternately, if you want to give her an ultimatum you know she isn't ready to do (act better or we're done), then that's a different process where you're looking less for solutions and more for a way to begin detaching (Leaving).

[whitebackatcha]

When our relationship severs abruptly I know it's very hard on both of us.   I feel hurt and uncertain.    I know that in the past conflict has gotten pretty intense between us and I don't want to go down that road again.    I would like to talk about taking time outs instead of ending things.   This is important to me.   I would like things to be different and better between us.

how would you word it?  

I really like this, actually. I'm not sure why this is so hard for me to think of on my own. I think I'm just so scared of how she will respond that I don't really want to talk about my feelings. She also gets overloaded very quickly when I have, so I'm leery. I think I'm pretty good at not berating or accusing at this point, at least. I hope I get better though, because it always sounds so obvious when someone points it out.

Another thought (toward either of you or whomever): what do I do if she doesn't want to talk about it, or if she isn't able to have a conversation with a resolution?

[whitebackatcha]

I really appreciate everyone's help here. I hope I'm not coming across as stubborn. Everyone is different, so I'm trying hard to weigh what is said here against my experiences with my ex as an individual. I'm feeling much less confused, so thank you.

[babyducks]

I really like this, actually. I'm not sure why this is so hard for me to think of on my own. I think I'm just so scared of how she will respond that I don't really want to talk about my feelings. She also gets overloaded very quickly when I have, so I'm leery. I think I'm pretty good at not berating or accusing at this point, at least. I hope I get better though, because it always sounds so obvious when someone points it out.

Another thought (toward either of you or whomever): what do I do if she doesn't want to talk about it, or if she isn't able to have a conversation with a resolution?

Hi white,

I'm glad you liked the example.   for it to be effective it should be in your own words, something you would really mean and naturally say.   I have crafted some virtuoso validation statements only to have them fall flat because they didn't sound like "me" and I have had some attempts at validation that I have snatched out of my tuchis be well received they came in my natural tone of voice.   there is really no way of knowing how she will respond.   what I have found in my own relationship was we had developed a pattern of communicating in a very negative way.  and I was just as responsible for that as she was.   a lot of one up man ship was going on.    when we started trying to communicate in a different way it took some practice, and effort to break the old patterns.   there was history to overcome.   I also needed to understand that one failed conversation wasn't the end of the world.   

there are some real skills to being in this type of relationship, some real understandings to develop.   they are hard to grasp.  we can read about what it takes to stay in relationship with a pwBPD but to unravel the puzzle for ourselves takes some effort.  There are a lot of nuances to tease apart.  for me that took a lot of inward work, understanding myself, my limits and my own goals, more than my partners.

did you end up answering the letter?

'ducks

[whitebackatcha]

Hi white,

I'm glad you liked the example.   for it to be effective it should be in your own words, something you would really mean and naturally say.   I have crafted some virtuoso validation statements only to have them fall flat because they didn't sound like "me" and I have had some attempts at validation that I have snatched out of my tuchis be well received they came in my natural tone of voice.   there is really no way of knowing how she will respond.   what I have found in my own relationship was we had developed a pattern of communicating in a very negative way.  and I was just as responsible for that as she was.   a lot of one up man ship was going on.    when we started trying to communicate in a different way it took some practice, and effort to break the old patterns.   there was history to overcome.   I also needed to understand that one failed conversation wasn't the end of the world.   

there are some real skills to being in this type of relationship, some real understandings to develop.   they are hard to grasp.  we can read about what it takes to stay in relationship with a pwBPD but to unravel the puzzle for ourselves takes some effort.  There are a lot of nuances to tease apart.  for me that took a lot of inward work, understanding myself, my limits and my own goals, more than my partners.

did you end up answering the letter?

'ducks

The longer we've been apart, the more I see her side of things clearly, but also, the more I see my own. I don't think I was overtly critical, but I have a tendency to want to help by fixing, and that obviously wasn't a good thing with her. I also let myself get scared away when there were negative feelings on her part.

I did notice that she seemed to do better when I wasn't trying so hard to be nice when I tried to validate. She doesn't want a pat on the back or a hug, you know? One thing that stuck with me here was to at least not INvalidate. I was trying to work on that before she left. I don't know, it's hard to know how things would go if there was another round.

Yes, honestly, I've had to face a lot of things in myself through all this. Being with someone who steam rolled me half the time was what got me to the point where I realized I had to start standing up for myself and quit being a people-pleaser. I could go on, I suppose, but I know what you're saying. I go here for advice because it seems like, even when I have good motives, I still come across the wrong way with her.

So yes, I decided to write back, and text her that I was mailing a response. I made a nice comment about what she sent, so she would know my mood about it all. I didn't feel comfortable talking to her yet, I just didn't. Things aren't okay. She really messed up, and I can't pretend everything is fine. I feel like I chased her and did things for her our whole relationship, and her contribution was to let me, for the most part. I know things won't ever be truly equal with her, but it was very unbalanced. I'm trying to figure out how to let her make an effort too.

But I decided to take your advice about waiting to bring up serious topics. I figured even if you were wrong, I could bring it up later. But if you were right, I couldn't undo words already spoken. I feel okay about that choice now. I said positive things about what she sent, asked some questions to invite further discussion, said some positive things without being too mushy. I think I handled it well. It's hard not to have control of the outcome, though. She saw that I sent gifts to a couple mutual friends, and I have reason to believe she is now sending one to another friend to make me jealous. That's a huge trigger for me, so I'm trying to process it, and obviously haven't acted on any of it. It's very hard that I can do everything right, and honor my own comfort level, but it doesn't mean she will feel comfortable with my actions, and she may do things to alleviate her discomfort that hurt me. I'm still processing that, I guess.