HOLY Smokes Was truthful and got bit in the a

[Dobzhansky]

Wow!  Wowowow!  Wow!  Happy 49th Birthday To Me!

Dunno how much you all know.  I'm the fella with three daughters (two still at home aged 19 and 16).  uBPDw left abruptly 18 mos ago 1400 miles away.  Mom and all daughters in No Contact (mostly)

Eldest daughter (23) getting married in Cabo this 24 Dec.  I asked uBPDw if she wanted to go to the wedding some time ago.  She said she felt she wasn't allowed by daughter - had scheduled surgery anyway.  I remained non-committal, believing I would be in the way as well.

Daughter called nearer to wedding and asked if I would come. I scrambled and was able to get mileage and a ticket.  Long story short I avoided telling uBPDw (until tonight) I was going to wedding - to avoid the KABOOM.  Well, true to form she blew her top and hung up.

I sprinted to computer and moved joint $$$ to private account.  She called two minutes later full of concern the money was gone.  Claimed she noticed it when she was going to add her customary $1000/mo. This was late at night and in the middle of the month, rather than at the beginning as per usual.  Strongly suspect she was looking to remove $$ as she had done before.

Further discussion came down to her asking for "paperwork".  This is her euphemism for divorce/dissolution.  I tried very hard to SET during this - but agreed to the move.  She offered to complete the paperwork and send, but I jumped on it and said I already had it filled out, as she has claimed to have done on numerous occasions over the past 30 yrs together.  Eager to not have her file in a separate state - lots of money to fly for court if needed.

I am secure in the belief she will walk away from all of this with a minimum of fuss.  She has a few posessions she has left behind (antique furniture) and a few minor other things - but as it is winter and I am in Alaska, it is unlikely she will be able to arrange to get them until this summer when roads are clear.

I am anxious, though, about what she is capable of.  I have done nothing wrong, and I need to hold that line, regardless of what she says or does or tells others.

Ideas and Advice greatly appreciated.  thank you all so much!  I have been over "What to ask a lawyer" board a great deal - will do more as well.

Merry Christmas!

[Dobzhansky]

BE assured lawyer is in the works.  I teach middle school and coach sports and take night classes and so trying to carve out time to meet.

Waiting to hear back.

[ForeverDad]

Sad as it is, with her living so far away you have a real need to file where you are.  The first one to the court house gets to claim dibs on the location.  Since custody and parenting time are minimal issues (youngest has less than 2 years left as a minor).  You may want to have a lawyer compare how assets are split when divorcing in your state versus her state.  Evidently, though, you two are living somewhat separate lives already so that's one issue that is already partly resolved.

Remember, having strategies is important.  But that doesn't mean that her knee-jerk emotional perceptions won't cause problems, especially if she starts making wild allegations.  Don't be alone with her, the risks are higher now.

This is a time to review your boundaries.  You can't stop her from doing whatever but you can control how exposed you are and how you do or don't respond.  Beware of her guilting or obligating you overmuch.

Your priorities are clearer now - your daughters.  Good that you're going to D's wedding, that is a very good thing.  Don't miss it for the world.  (Would her mother make a surprise appearance?  If so, your daughter ought to be prepared to handle likely problems just in case.)  Going forward, focus on your daughters, improve and maintain your relationships with them.  Also ponder how you can Validate their perceptions when good and provide some gentle support if their perception and choices are poor.  Life around their mother was probably very invalidating, confusing and sabotaging.  They're grown now or nearly so but you can still provide them with a supportive father.