How have you told your ex that you were breaking up?

[Isa_lala]

Hello

I have read that many BPD leave before being left. I wish my bf could leave me but I doubt he will ever do.

I am slowly going toward a break up and I really don't know how to do it. I am afraid a bit of his reaction, because it will represents what he fears most: abandonment

And I really don't know how he would feel and react.

Has anyone broken up with a BPD like breaking up with a "normal" person?

[C.Stein]

I suppose you could just wait until he replaces you.  That is what happened with me, even though it wasn't what I wanted.

Why are you afraid of his reaction?  Do you have rational reasons for leaving him that he might understand?

[Kelli Cornett]

Just do it and never talk to him again in your life. That will help him at one point just accept it. He'll never forgive you for it and if you ever try to re enter you will pay dearly.

Best advice make a clear break as hard as it is. Look forward not back.

[Michelle27]

I don't think I'd call my break up normal, but I am the one who initiated it.

A little over a year ago, things were coming to a head.  I realized around about 6 months before that that things weren't working. I had begun detaching and had healed enough to realize that I hadn't had my needs met in a very long time and I needed to make a decision about whether I could continue the  marriage like this.  I set up counseling for myself to help make the decision (because I'd been wavering for a couple years) and the very day of the first appointment he asked me why I was going to a counselor and I told him.  That led to an argument that resulted in him confessing his year long affair of a few years prior with my "friend". Worst Christmas of my life.  I just wanted to be away from him but couldn't do that to my kids so I powered through.  I read numerous books on affairs, healing, BPD and betrayal and went to counseling. By January, I had decided I needed some boundaries so I placed one around his rages.  Knowing he couldn't just stop having them, we decided together that I needed him to leave the house, not me.  In March, he had a rage, and refused to leave, so I did.  The next day, I came home and told him it was time to pack a bag.  He was out of the house for 2 weeks, which at first I thought would be enough for me to feel safe again, but it wasn't.  So I arranged to rent a room in which we would take turns staying  for a week at a time while the other stayed in our home with our daughter.  :)uring that therapeutic separation he made what seemed like effort towards getting help. But it became clear to me that it was for my benefit, not for getting real intense therapy.  So at the end of June, I made the decision that I was done.  Took me about 8 days to get the courage to tell him because I was honestly afraid of him.  I wanted to tell him with a counselor but couldn't get it set up so I invited him to coffee in a coffee shop.  He actually had the gall to say I didn't give him"enough of a chance".  Really... .5 or 6 years since I discovered BPD and I was sure it described him.  I've had only one email from him since then, and our daughter spent 5.5 hours with him during the first 6 weeks we were separated (in 2 visits) and when she postponed the  next one, he decided she didn't want anything to do with him so he changed his phone number and never let her or I know about it.  That was almost 4 months ago.  So, no... .not a "normal" breakup by any means.  But I'm glad I did it.  He may have eventually walked away leaving me blindsided  but instead, I got stronger myself and realized that I needed to be out for my own well being.

[steve195915]

Hello

I have read that many BPD leave before being left. I wish my bf could leave me but I doubt he will ever do.

I am slowly going toward a break up and I really don't know how to do it. I am afraid a bit of his reaction, because it will represents what he fears most: abandonment

And I really don't know how he would feel and react.

Has anyone broken up with a BPD like breaking up with a "normal" person?

The best method is to keep it short and sweet.  Do not blame, do not point out all the reasons.

Express that you've cared and appreciated them, but the relationship is no longer a solid fit for you, and you need to move on.  If they ask to be friends, just say that won't work for you either.  Then leave and block everything and maintain NC.  Do not look back.

[MakingMyWay]

The best method is to keep it short and sweet.  Do not blame, do not point out all the reasons.

Express that you've cared and appreciated them, but the relationship is no longer a solid fit for you, and you need to move on.  If they ask to be friends, just say that won't work for you either.  Then leave and block everything and maintain NC.  Do not look back. [/quote]
Sorry if this seems off topic, but something which has caused a lot of confusion for me after my uBPDex dumped me was how similar the recommended method of breaking up with them is to how she left me. Is there anything that seperates them? I know that a lot of what happens after the fact is a good indication. While she went off with my replacement, I struggled to deal with it. I feel that if I had broken up with her she would have been with the same guy. Is that the difference?

[Isa_lala]

Hello everybody and thank you for your answers

C.stein, no, I won't wait for him to replace me, it may never happen... .

Making it short and sweet, ok. I was thinking of giving facts or focusing on some needs I have and that are not met in the rs like: his lack of trust  in me from him that leads to many painful situations for him. This is the main point. And he cannot say that it is not true, he has been saying for 3 years that he doesn't trust me

There is also his numerous rage outburst, and I don't want that either for my son or me. And I have many examples in mind I could tell him as facts

Do you think it is ok this way?

[Isa_lala]

Michelle, I believe I could be the one writing that message in a few months... .

My son is 8. What age was your daughter at the time we started to not live together. What did you tell her? You can answer by private message if you prefer.

Thank you

[greenmonkey]

I did a few acid tests purely to check my uBPD ex's motives and see if she would rage over money issues etc.

The night after the discussion which was very enlightening, lots of silence from her, lots of word salad that did not make any sense. I decided to call it a day and gave her 6 weeks to leave my house. The day after I found my two dogs running in the street when I had popped out for a cycle ride (I had a closed back gated and a proper back door) and then the day after one of my bikes had a nail in one of tyres.

She then told me a blatant lie about where she was going that weekend and left the house at 3am.

The following morning, I found out that she had being seeing my replacement, and had been lying and cheating throughout the whole relationship.

As she was a pathological liar and had betrayed my trust to a massive degree and I could not trust one word of what she said, I changed the locks on my house and gave her 7 days to get the rest of her stuff out of my house. I was done being nice and kind and patient.

The last of stuff went three weeks after that. The joint household bills were split in half and the companies pursued her themselves. She kept on turning up at my house at al hours, raging etc, trying to use her son as leverage (which I expected). She has had tow replacements and to my knowledge has been trawling doing sites and apps for her new supply.

I moved so I was nearly a 200 mile round trip for her back home and she followed me. I have full CCTV now and she still turns up but stays away from the cameras.

Each and everyone is different, I was going to be the one she could never recycle, the one who took control back and the one she could not have - I blocked her on my phone, FB is on lockdown as is LinkedIn, and I got a new email address. the only way NC can be broken is by her knocking on my door. the likelihood that will happen is slim, due to the cameras and she is under Police caution. I have no wish or desire to ever see or talk to her again.

[steve195915]

Hello everybody and thank you for your answers

C.stein, no, I won't wait for him to replace me, it may never happen... .

Making it short and sweet, ok. I was thinking of giving facts or focusing on some needs I have and that are not met in the rs like: his lack of trust  in me from him that leads to many painful situations for him. This is the main point. And he cannot say that it is not true, he has been saying for 3 years that he doesn't trust me

There is also his numerous rage outburst, and I don't want that either for my son or me. And I have many examples in mind I could tell him as facts

Do you think it is ok this way?

No I don't think it's ok.  To point the blame to him listing out all the reasons you need to leave will only relieve your guilt about ending it, and be harmful/shaming to the borderline. It's not an effective or compassionate departure strategy.  It won't be received well.

[RR4U]

Thank you for posting this.  I've been together 12 years been trying to get out for 5. Married for almost 10. Can't seem to do it.  He will never leave me for a replacement.  I pray he would but it won't happen.  I just found a great therapist who is really helping.  Those I get the courage in2016. Best of luck to you.  Keep strong

[Michelle27]

Blame will never be taken well by a pwBPD. When I had the last conversation in which I ended it, I listed the reasons FOR ME that the relationship was unhealthy.  I also thanked him for giving me the strength to grow as a person and understand what my self worth really was. I think making the focus on what your needs are is paramount, and expecting him to make promises that probably never will come to fruition is best.

[Isa_lala]

Hello everybody and thank you for your answers

C.stein, no, I won't wait for him to replace me, it may never happen... .

Making it short and sweet, ok. I was thinking of giving facts or focusing on some needs I have and that are not met in the rs like: his lack of trust  in me from him that leads to many painful situations for him. This is the main point. And he cannot say that it is not true, he has been saying for 3 years that he doesn't trust me

There is also his numerous rage outburst, and I don't want that either for my son or me. And I have many examples in mind I could tell him as facts

Do you think it is ok this way?

No I don't think it's ok.  To point the blame to him listing out all the reasons you need to leave will only relieve your guilt about ending it, and be harmful/shaming to the borderline. It's not an effective or compassionate departure strategy.  It won't be received well.

Yes, but it appears difficult to me to tell him that this relationship doesn't fit me anymore without giving any reasons although I understand what you say. May I say that we are too different (so are we) and that we don't fit together ? I must to be very prepared when I will engage this discussion with him.

[thisworld]

My ex dumped me 10 times in one week but didn't go anywhere, in between he overdosed, came back and settled back. I brought up a number of boundaries he had been violating like a tornado very firmly. I also took action. He tried to test me and I firmly said I wouldn't live like this (just reacted to the sentence bargaining about the boundary). Because he never negotiates and has no compromising skills, he took this as the true end of the relationship and left. But he had an exploitative side and maybe he truly realized that there was nothing else left to exploit. Being really firm and natural - emotionless- solved it. (But this happened a very firm period where he had parasuicides and I wasn't manipulated by them, either. So, maybe it built up slowly).

Some people say that "it's not you, it's me approach" also helps but it's you not because of your emotions. You are depressed, dizzy, dont want to know what to do with your life etc. They may try to turn it into something personal and you need to go on with dull, non-personal answers. Like the person they are leaving is boring boring boring - a bit like gray rock.

[Isa_lala]

My ex dumped me 10 times in one week but didn't go anywhere, in between he overdosed, came back and settled back. I brought up a number of boundaries he had been violating like a tornado very firmly. I also took action. He tried to test me and I firmly said I wouldn't live like this (just reacted to the sentence bargaining about the boundary). Because he never negotiates and has no compromising skills, he took this as the true end of the relationship and left. But he had an exploitative side and maybe he truly realized that there was nothing else left to exploit. Being really firm and natural - emotionless- solved it. (But this happened a very firm period where he had parasuicides and I wasn't manipulated by them, either. So, maybe it built up slowly).

Some people say that "it's not you, it's me approach" also helps but it's you not because of your emotions. You are depressed, dizzy, dont want to know what to do with your life etc. They may try to turn it into something personal and you need to go on with dull, non-personal answers. Like the person they are leaving is boring boring boring - a bit like gray rock.

Oh yes, I saw that in this website. Appear like if you were depressed , not willing to do anything, seem boring and your BPD partner will get bored and will leave you. I have never understood that one ... .

[thisworld]

It's built on the idea that all Cluster B has an internal need to create chaos and drama and when they don't get it, their needs are not met, they lose interest so they choose to get it somewhere else. It also relies on the idea that there is no BPD without narcissism somewhere, so stop being a supply, positive or negative. I've split up and now I'm doing it gradually

[Michelle27]

Michelle, I believe I could be the one writing that message in a few months... .

My son is 8. What age was your daughter at the time we started to not live together. What did you tell her? You can answer by private message if you prefer.

Thank you

PM'ed you. :-)