What were the positive attributes of our ex?

[steve195915]

Most of the subjects and discussions on this board are about the negative qualities of our exBPD SO and why we stayed when they did so many atrocious things to us.  There was obviously some special things and positive qualities they added to the relationship for us to stay so long, to allow us to be recycled, to miss them and think of them after the breakups and even feel pain now as were are detaching from them.  So I thought it would be interesting if we focus on what was so special about our relationship and the good qualities of our ex, so here it goes.

My first thought of what was special in our relationship is that we had such a deep connection, she was my soulmate.  Now when I think of what the deep connection actually was, I'm having a hard time coming up with what that means.  We certainly didn't have great communications.  If she had no interest in my likes, she didn't want to do it, hear about it, or talk about it at all.  If I talked about sports, she wasn't at all interested and would say so in her harsh way so that subject was out of bounds, so was politics.  I also had to be very careful about saying anything that could trigger her, I seemed to always be walking on eggshells.  I wasn't allowed to give a differing opinion as that would set her off so we didn't do a lot of talking about everyday events, but we did talk about our childhoods, especially her's and all the things she went through.  She actually didn't like a lot of my interests and wouldn't even participate in them for my benefit, like playing board games or cards, watching old movies and such.  She actually would make some disparaging remark about them.

I'm thinking the deep connection I'm referring to was really the sexual intimacy we had.  She was amazing in bed, she responded to everything I did (very orgasmic) , she was somewhat aggressive and showed great desire for me, and I felt completely at ease with trying anything with her.  She definitely stroked my ego and made me feel like I was a god in bed.  It was beyond my wildest fantasies, truly unbelievable!

One  quality is that I liked about her is she acted very happy, laughing a lot and fun to be with when we were around other people.  She would be the life of the party or definitely attract attention.  It stroked my ego to be seen with this beautiful woman with a great personality. 

When we had to stop at red lights, I would lean over and kiss her and she would respond very passionately and we would be making out and french kissing for the duration of the red light.  I loved that!

The other special times were when we were together we would walk and always hold hands and it just felt very intimate.

She was a great cook. 

I can't think of anything else and if feels real strange that's all I can think of.  Huh?  Ok, let's see if you can have a better accounting of all the special qualities of our ex's. 

[Michelle27]

In the beginning stages, he was attentive and kind.  The first week we met he noticed I was missing a few kitchen items and he bought them for me.  He helped with a car repair when it came up and I paid him back.  He was mechanically inclined and could do most car repairs.  He sent roses on the first day we met in person (after communicating online for a week or two).  Of course, the disclaimer now is he did the same for my replacement weeks after we separated  . 

He was giving of time and his mechanical expertise to his friends. Although that came at a price for me when he'd complain that they weren't grateful enough.  But to them, he was a great guy.  He often came to the rescue of female "friends" by helping them move, commiserating when they had a bad breakup and taking them out for breakfast or drinks.

In the beginning, he seemed so emotionally open.  I had never met a man like that.  When we had sex the first time, he cried openly afterwards which touched me.  In those early years, he made me feel beautiful and I gained back some of the self esteem I had lost. 

[Beach_Babe]

Nothing except what I projected there.

[HurtinNW]

My ex has a lot of positive attributes, which makes it harder for me to leave him. This is a good exercise for me:

He is a talented writer.

He is well-respected in his field.

He is charming and fun in public.

He can be kind to friends, though that isn't the same as being reliable. For example, he is generous with things like taking people out to dinner. But I've seen him flake on longer term things people have asked him to do.

He is very intelligent.

He is a great conversationalist.

He can be really funny.

He can be warm and affectionate. He gives great back-rubs.

He is amazing in bed, and not in an insincere way. I felt like our souls touched.

He comes from the same home culture I do, which is not easy to find.

He can be a great companion. For example, on road trips he can be a lot of fun.

Writing this I realized I wanted to add an asterick to most of these, saying *as long as he doesn't get mad. Because a lot of times things like road trips got ruined by his rages. His anger and need to push people away runs interference to many of his good qualities.

[Moselle]

Mine was a good cook and she was a driven person.

That's it 

I think the rest was a mirror or a mirage.

Really though, I remember sitting with my girls trying to come up with mom's best traits that we were grateful for.

Kind... .no

Thoughtful... .no

Compassionate... .(when it made her look good, which makes it a mirage)

Agreeable... .(About as much as a hornet's best)

Affectionate... .no

Intimate... .no

I think it's hard to remember good traits because there was no person behind the facade. We know subconsciously when something is an act.

The keys to these relationships in my opinion is what they could have been. We buy into the promise instead of what is actually there.

We recognise the damsel in distress? The victim, one who's potential just needs to be unlocked by a special someone. That's us. We think we can. That it's just a matter of love and encouragement. We buy this facade, hook line and sinker because we are wired that way.

The truth is that there is no sense of self. Without a host there is no personality. It's a collage quilt made up of others but mostly their SO.

She's a good cook.

She's a driven person.

Really that's it.

[Schermarhorn]

She was extremely smart. She was also cute.

I cannot say anything else because I do not know if it was part of her mask or not.

[Kelli Cornett]

Interesting thread.

[thisworld]

Mostly superficial things really:

Was a good cook  

Sometimes had a high level of energy so would do physical chores very quickly

Had a really good command of language

Was a good sports activity friend - swimming, cycling

And then what I think was charming and mirroring:

Good physical contact: holding hands, arm over shoulder etc. (That all went away)

Gentleman with finesse

Nice couples behaviour (turned into emotional cheating and character assassination)

Wonderful sense of humour (I think it's my sense of humour, his Twitter, FB etc before me shows a completely different personality)

We also shared similar political values but he didn't live according to his values himself

The rest is my projection and his mirroring I think