Dating a girl with BPD who is receiving treatment?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Hi... So I dated a girl with undiagnosed BPD in the past, and it was the quintessential horror story. Promised myself I would never do it again.

Anyway, I've met this other girl now who has diagnosed BPD and receives treatment for it. She has been in therapy for just under a year I think.

Normally I would have stayed away with a pole, but I've known this girl for 10 years, we used to date back in the day and we just met again (after not seeing eachother for 10 years but talking on and off over the years online)... I didn't expect I would be into her, but mostly just that we would have a fling and be done with it.

Anyway, turned out I've been sucked up in the whirlwind... And I'm a bit worried... Not sure if it is smart to continue or not... Part of me thinks I should leave, but part of me thinks 'well she IS trying to work on it' (and she is, I see her using all the techniques in the book to help her deal with things)...

Any ideas anyone? ... .like, is it worth it dating someone who is receiving therapy? or is it going to be the same miserable mess?

Thanks

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[Reforming]

Hi Woof,

It's a tricky one and I think it depends an awful lot on your own health or vulnerabilities.

You've gone through the experience before, albeit with someone who wasn't being treated so you're not going in blind. You have a fair idea of what can happen.

It's great that she committed to therapy. Good for her.

It's sounds like you're already in involved. I don't know your circumstances or how much work you've done on yourself, but if I was in your situation my questions would be;

Why I found myself in a relationship with another Borderline?

Am I healthy?

Have i got the resources and the skills to deal with the inevitable challenges?

Would it jeopardise my own healthy and healing?

I can't answer these questions for you. There's lots of really good information on the staying board about coping skills and if you decide to continue I'd recommend studying them (you may have done this already)

The best of luck either way

Reforming

[EaglesJuju]

Hi woofbarkmeowbeep, 

I think that therapy can help anyone who is willing to work on themselves, including pwBPD. I have noticed a huge difference between my bf with therapy and without. The relationship has improved, although I have been concurrently working on my own issues.

There tends to be a lot of generalization and stigmatization about BPD in general, especially treatment. Treatment has been empirically shown to help BPD sufferers. It is really admirable of her to work on her issues. It is hard for some "nons" to take the initiative to work on themselves. It is a step in the right direction. 

I can understand how you could feel confused, worried, and hesitant from your last experience with BPD.  BPD is a spectrum disorder and it does not affect everyone in the same way. Individual characteristics and traits do factor in. You have known her for quite some time, have you had issues with her behavior in the past?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Hello

Thanks for your kind message. Yes, I actually dated her 10 years ago for a short time. She was a bit difficult back then (eg one time we went to a fair but I was sick and she was pissed off cos I 'ruined' the experience and made me stay there n go on all the rides etc) but I can't really remember the details. I hadn't seen her since as we lived in different countries on opposite sides of the world, but we would usually email eachother on and off over the period. She's always been a bit icy over the mail, and would write sporadically.

It wasn't until recently when I came back into the same country and when we were talking a little more over email that I realised she exhibited some BPDish traits (I only found out about BPD in depth in 2012)... .I went on to suggest she look into BPD and she said that she had actually been diagnosed with it earlier this year. We met up for 3 days last week. It was 'magic' as per what one might expect in line with the initial phase of dating someone with BPD.

I should probably do therapy myself, yes. I'm one of those rescuer types... good listener / caring / loving / tolerant etc... and likely put up with too much from people who push me...

You're right about it not affecting everyone in the same way. I notice she is quite different to the last girl in the way it is expressed, and more importantly she is very aware she has it (vs outright denying it and blaming me like the last one) and actively works on stuff that comes up when it does.

I'm over this part of the world for another 2 months... She wants me to go and stay with her for that period (we are still about a 4 hour plane right from each other)... I'm really not sure... My heart wants to, but my head is warning me...

[EaglesJuju]

I should probably do therapy myself, yes. I'm one of those rescuer types... good listener / caring / loving / tolerant etc... and likely put up with too much from people who push me...

Those are admirable traits.  I think when we push our own needs and boundaries to the side it can become a problem.

You're right about it not affecting everyone in the same way. I notice she is quite different to the last girl in the way it is expressed, and more importantly she is very aware she has it (vs outright denying it and blaming me like the last one) and actively works on stuff that comes up when it does.

She seems quite dedicated to improving herself and working on herself. Do you feel that she puts forth a lot of effort to work on her stuff?  How does she handle certain things?

I'm over this part of the world for another 2 months... She wants me to go and stay with her for that period (we are still about a 4 hour plane right from each other)... I'm really not sure... My heart wants to, but my head is warning me...

Have you thought about not staying with her and see where things are at the end of two months?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

She seems quite dedicated to improving herself and working on herself. Do you feel that she puts forth a lot of effort to work on her stuff?  How does she handle certain things?

She is pretty good... When things get difficult for whatever reason she implements dbt techniques to deal with them... eg going for a walk vs throwing something through the window.

Have you thought about not staying with her and see where things are at the end of two months?

At the end of two months I will be on the other side of the world again... which is kinda why it's like... shall I go and see? or... stay here and leave it... hmm

p.s how do you do that fancy quote stuff?

[EaglesJuju]

She seems quite dedicated to improving herself and working on herself. Do you feel that she puts forth a lot of effort to work on her stuff?  How does she handle certain things?

She is pretty good... When things get difficult for whatever reason she implements dbt techniques to deal with them... eg going for a walk vs throwing something through the window.

That sounds really healthy actually. I know non-disordered people that have trouble with that sometimes. One of the cornerstones of BPD is emotional dysregulation. It is very hard for a pwBPD to control their emotions. It takes a lot of work to get to a level where she is at.  

Have you thought about not staying with her and see where things are at the end of two months?

At the end of two months I will be on the other side of the world again... which is kinda why it's like... shall I go and see? or... stay here and leave it... hmm

Maybe you could spend a little bit of time with her near the end of your trip? This way you could take it slow and see where things are. I am wagering the physical distance factors in quite a bit.  :)o you talk to her regularly?

p.s how do you do that fancy quote stuff?

When you want to reply you can click on the insert quote or instead of reply, select quote.  

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Ok - can't figure out this quoting system right now :D


Basically - Yeah, we've been talking every day for the past month or so... .and yes -  I was thinking of spending three weeks with her towards the end... but... it's pretty hard to resist the urge to simply fly over there in the coming week... Need. To. Hugg!

The whirlwind is real :-/

[EaglesJuju]

Ok - can't figure out this quoting system right now :D


Basically - Yeah, we've been talking every day for the past month or so... .and yes -  I was thinking of spending three weeks with her towards the end... but... it's pretty hard to resist the urge to simply fly over there in the coming week... Need. To. Hugg!

The whirlwind is real :-/

I understand how it is hard to resist, especially when you are talking every day.  Those feelings can be so intense and almost magical.

From my experience, I have learned taking things slow have had a better outcome for me. I have had the opportunity to "start over" again. The first time everything that my boyfriend and I did was so hurried and rushed. This time around, moving slowly has greatly helped.

Have you had a chance to look at some of the communication tools on the site?

[livednlearned]

Hi woofbark,

It takes a lot of courage to get diagnosed and accept that diagnosis, and then to get treatment and apply the skills. So that's great she took those steps!

She's been in treatment for less than a year, and it's possible she may reach a plateau, get uncomfortable, and stop therapy for a while. That's not uncommon. Also, being in an intimate relationship may trigger some feelings of vulnerability that are difficult for her, and it's conceivable that she might push you away. It's important to be realistic, and also optimistic and patient.

Would you consider doing DBT as well? She is learning new skills, and a new language, and it might be helpful if you understand what she's learning. 

In another thread, members were talking about how rescuer types tend to seek external validation and provide external soothing. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being aware of those tendencies. I have had to learn to feel validated internally, while also giving loved ones room to self-soothe.

This can be a big achilles heel -- inserting ourselves into their self-soothing loop and preventing our loved one from building that emotional resilience themselves. Co-dependent relationships can feel controlling, and domineering. There can be a smothering effect, something that can lead to a feeling of engulfment, especially for someone who suffers from BPD.

For that reason, the advice to go slow is 

Going fast could create instability in the relationship.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Hey Both

Thanks for your replies. I appreciate!


Hey Eagles - I am definitely aware of the feeling of being swept up on a magical carpet ride kinda thing, and I am trying to balance that with 'reality' somehow or another. Problem is, it is quite difficult really given that in two months I will be on a completely different contenent. I mean, sure - if I was going to be staying here for good then going slow would absolutely be what I would do. It's just I have kinda two options... (1) spend 5 weeks with her starting about a week from now, with the option of extending to 8 weeks... or (2) stay here and spend 3 weeks with her towards the end of my trip. The 'rush' is really only related to the fact there is limited time.

I haven't checked out the communication tools on this site yet no... Is there something in particular you were thinking of?


Allo Livednlearned - I would consider doing DBT, yes... I like all that kind of stuff (mindfulness etc). But I am not on this continent for that long... and I am not sure yet if we truly have something together or if it's just related to a fantasy bubble we've created recently... which is why I'm really pondering if I should just go and see her or if I'm jumping into a boiling pot.

What do you mean by the "self-soothing loop"? ...

And what do you mean by seeking "external soothing" ... Do you mean a rescuer type looks for things outside oneself to make themselves feel better?

[livednlearned]

What do you mean by the "self-soothing loop"? .

Speaking for myself here, I have to resist the urge to make things better (rescue, fix, save) someone from having negative feelings. My instinct is see myself as the only person who can protect my loved one from having negative feelings, instead of letting him have those negative feelings, and then learning to soothe himself. I can be kind, and supportive, and have empathy, and validate those feelings, and then give myself boundaries to not act on those urges to fix his problem or whatever mood he's having, especially if he is blaming me for his problems. 

And what do you mean by seeking "external soothing" ... Do you mean a rescuer type looks for things outside oneself to make themselves feel better?

Yes, exactly. You said it really well.

People with BPD can have a lot of needs, both explicit and not explicit, and we see someone who can benefit from our desire to rescue and soothe. Rescuing someone who needs us can feel really, really good. We get something out of this interaction, even if it's exhausting. When it's thankless, we can feel resentful.

I've had to learn the hard way that this codependent tendency is like a faucet, and I have to control the flow. If I'm ever in question, I try to err on the side of slowing the flow to a trickle.

[EaglesJuju]

quote author=woofbarkmeowbeep link=topic=287778.msg12711972#msg12711972 date=1450975730]Hey Eagles - I am definitely aware of the feeling of being swept up on a magical carpet ride kinda thing, and I am trying to balance that with 'reality' somehow or another. Problem is, it is quite difficult really given that in two months I will be on a completely different contenent. I mean, sure - if I was going to be staying here for good then going slow would absolutely be what I would do. It's just I have kinda two options... (1) spend 5 weeks with her starting about a week from now, with the option of extending to 8 weeks... or (2) stay here and spend 3 weeks with her towards the end of my trip. The 'rush' is really only related to the fact there is limited time.[/quote]
I understand the limited amount of time. That is what makes a long distance relationship hard. Option one can give you a degree of flexibility depending on how things work out. If things go well, you have more time to spend with her. On the other hand, if things don't go well you have the option of not extending your trip.  Based on your interactions with her so far, do you think that it will most likely turn out well?  Are you concerned that it might not turn out well?

I haven't checked out the communication tools on this site yet no... Is there something in particular you were thinking of?

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

This link has helped me so much. Communication tools are great for everyone in your life, including non-disordered people.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Well, hey guys.

So here I am back again.

I ended up going to stay with her on the 31st.

things were great for a week.

A week later she walked out the door to pick up some stuff, then she ended up banging her ex partner (the one she just broke up with a few weeks before me) in the car.

I almost left but decided to forgive her. She said she did it because she didn't want to be abandoned by me.

A week later (today) she tells me she needs space and time alone and wants me to leave.

One thing we went over and over and over before I left was that she wouldn't go nuts and kick me out half way. She promised time and time again that no matter what she would not kick me out - said I was too fixated on the last BPD relationship and that I should just trust her. So I did.

Leaving tomorrow.

Wish I never came.

thanks for all your help.

[Euler2718]

Well, you tried, anyway... .now you can get on with your life. You can go to this website in a different section to deal with that. Mostly it will take some time maybe to get over... .but you will, I think. My GF decided to go away 5 Dec and I am feeling better, but obviously I'm not completely done.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Well, you tried, anyway... .now you can get on with your life. You can go to this website in a different section to deal with that. Mostly it will take some time maybe to get over... .but you will, I think. My GF decided to go away 5 Dec and I am feeling better, but obviously I'm not completely done.

Glad to hear you are feeling better post girlfriend.

Thanks, Tim. Yeah - just thought I would update things on this thread for consistency/outcome...   Yes it will take some time to get over. No more Bpd involvement for me ever again. The whole thing felt like a cyclone. Sucked me up, won me over, spat me out.  Totally shocked, but not surprised really.  A strange contradiction.

And yes, you are right. Now I can get on with my life.

[blackbirdsong]

Well, you tried, anyway... .now you can get on with your life. You can go to this website in a different section to deal with that. Mostly it will take some time maybe to get over... .but you will, I think. My GF decided to go away 5 Dec and I am feeling better, but obviously I'm not completely done.

Glad to hear you are feeling better post girlfriend.

Thanks, Tim. Yeah - just thought I would update things on this thread for consistency/outcome...   Yes it will take some time to get over. No more Bpd involvement for me ever again. The whole thing felt like a cyclone. Sucked me up, won me over, spat me out.  Totally shocked, but not surprised really.  A strange contradiction.

And yes, you are right. Now I can get on with my life.

Thank you for sharing your complete experience. Often we hear just the first part, without the closure part.

Stay strong.

[iluminati]

Being that she's in therapy, and you've known her for a while, I'd go for it.  There's no guarantees, but at least she's getting the help she needs.  Granted, if she relapses, you know what to do.  Still, give it a chance! 

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Being that she's in therapy, and you've known her for a while, I'd go for it.  There's no guarantees, but at least she's getting the help she needs.  Granted, if she relapses, you know what to do.  Still, give it a chance! 

Thanks - but I did go through with it and everything turned to hell... Take a look at a few posts above in this thread where I summarized the madness.

[Cat Familiar]

I've been married to two husbands with BPD. The first was a horrific experience with some positives. I would never choose to repeat that one. The second, well, I've pondered, if I knew then what I know now, perhaps I would have chosen this path anyway. He's basically a good person, unlike the first one, but the black moods are difficult to be around on a regular basis.