I feel I must protect myself frm my brother

[kim peter]

Hello

New member

My counsellor unofficially diagnosed my brother with BPD after reading emails my brother sent me (some nine pages) five years ago. The torrent of abuse, the name calling, the put-downs, the fault finding the listing of my past misdeeds, missteps and wrongdoings, the patronising comments and total distortion of past events was overwhelming. I eventually asked him to cease all contact, but it's not that simple is it? I still feel angry, guilty and upset after all this time. I think about him a lot, he is in another city in a single room in a boarding house (at 61) and I do feel sorry for him, but I also feel I need to protect myself. I feel that it would only take a single 'no' from me, or to disagree with his version of reality and another torrent of abuse would begin. It has been the pattern in our relationship for nearly twenty years. I want to get to a place of acceptance.

[maryy16]

I'm usually on this site for support with my BPDH, but I also have a brother who displays all the signs of having BPD also. I recently blocked him after 45+ years of dealing with his extreme emotions, his blaming, throwing tantrums when he didn't get his way, name-calling, etc.

I have had little contact with him over the past few years after our father passed away, but one day he called me up out of the blue and asked if I could take him to pick up his car form the repair shop. Now, if I had a "normal" relationship with him, this would be no problem, but with him, any number of complications could arise which would send him him into a rage just by driving him two miles to get his car. I had already decided previous to this that I was not going to have any type of relationship with him other than a very polite, distant relationship.

The day he called I was working from home on a project that had a deadline, so I wouldn't have been able to take him even f I had wanted to. I told him about the project and deadline and he said "okay. I understand." Of course, it couldn't end there. Within FIVE MINUTES he called again ( I didn't answer) and left a voice message saying "Your reason for not taking me isn't good enough. I can't believe you won't take me. I would do it for you. You could have taken a half hour out of your day to help me, but you can't even do that. Etc. Etc."

I don't know why I decided that I had had it with him because in the past there have been much worse episodes, but I'm 53 years old and just couldn't stand it anymore, so I blocked him and I hope this is the end of any type of contact with him.

Am I sad? Yes and no. Do I feel guilty? Yes and no. He is my brother and siblings should get along, support each other, etc,  BUT I now know that I can NEVER have that type of relationship with him. Radical acceptance, I guess. He is too far gone to ever change, not that he would ever try because he doesn't feel that there's anything wrong with him. I completely know how you feel and I feel stronger and better about myself for cutting contact with him knowing that I won't have to deal with the insanity any more.

[HappyChappy]

Hi kim peter,

So if I read you right, you’ve gone No Contact (NC) with an abusive BPD brother but still struggle to get closure on that, in that you’re thinking about him too much and you have guilt. Well I am also NC with my bro, but it’s been several years so the good news is I felt like you to begin with , and now I don’t.  So there’s hope for us all. One thing to look out for is the Jealously sibling BPD will have, and hence why they may  sometimes target you.

I’m not a clinician so can’t prescribe a cure, but some things you can look into; firstly look to reduce the stress in your life, as this will help you become Mindful (i.e. focus on the now rather than the past). Meditation, Yoga a good ways to do that. Walks with nature, time with pets or animals. Also Therapist have many tools to help you get closure, gestalt is one way (but you need a therapist for that) or simply using CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) as a way of reprogramming how you think about your Brother. Tapping is another. I mention these two, as they are the only ones recognised by the NHS, who must cost justify any treatment (it’s not private). So they only use things with empirical evidence to cost justify the treatment. Private practitioners don’t have the same drivers in place.

If you can’t afford Therapy, there are some good books on that topic that will get you there. Or you could pair up and do pier support. You might want to start looking at F.O.G. because you shouldn’t feel too much guilt your 62 year old brother is alone in a bedsit.  That is the inevitability of treating those around you badly. Which is true. Not you fault or problem, but you’ve been brought up to believe it is. CBT can change those perceptions and beliefs. My bro is NPD and very destructive, he kicked me out of a moving car, lost me a job, etc... and yet I kept hanging in there trying to help him until my Therapists made it clear he would never change, so why be his punching bag ? Does no good. A 62 year old BPD isn’t going to change. So you must change or you will keep holding onto false guilt and worse. I also found NC of my whole FOO was necessary for me to get the tranquility to work on healing. It was well worth it. This website will also help with validation etc... .Best of luck.    

[kim peter]

Thank you to maryy16 and happy chappy. There were many 'me too' moments in your replies. I am taking your advice on board, starting with a walk in the park this morning. The final straw for me was when my brother emailed me after five years of NC. He began by saying he just wanted us to feel comfortable together in the same room. I took him at his word. Five months and several evasive emails later he admitted that when he initially contacted me he had had 'an ulterior motive', that he 'probably should have mentioned earlier'. He wanted 'at a minimum' my name (and my academic credentials) on an academic  paper he had been working on. His 'latest crazy idea' (in a three decade chain of failed ideas and projects). At the time I had just begun a mentoring business that involved regular travel and a was beginning a year of medical treatment that included chemotherapy. As I am learning is quite typical of BPD behaviour, it never occurred to him to ask whether his project was of any interest to me, if I had the time, if I wanted to work closely with him, or even to ask how I was. When I said no, he quickly became extremely offensive and abusive. It culminated in an ultimatum; I had to immediately go onto anti-depressants or he would send an email (1000 words, perhaps the first of a series, he threatened) outlining to friends, family and perhaps colleagues the extent of my issues. He has contacted the employers of people he feels aggrieved with before. He then let his threat hang for six weeks before telling me in an email 'not to sweat it sis', he had decided not go ahead with his plan. I could no longer bear the emotional roller coaster.

[HappyChappy]

t never occurred to him to ask whether his project was of any interest to me, if I had the time, ... .When I said no, he quickly became extremely offensive and abusive. ... .He has contacted the employers of people he feels aggrieved with before. He then let his threat hang for six weeks before telling me in an email 'not to sweat it sis', he had decided not go ahead with his plan.

I’m sorry you had to deal with that. To the outside world your brothers behaviour is total unacceptable. To use, he’s just being BPD. My bro has done similar he almost got me sacked (these PD make good con men). I took my employers to court, before I got the bottom of that one.

I found that NC was the only way to stop the vindictive behaviour of my bro. Their behaviour is either to manipulate us, or out of jealousy. Starve your BPD bro of information and he can’t attack. Their lies require a shred of truth. Also “We covert what we see every day” so their jellousy/competing will focus on someone else. But I’m guessing you’ve found that out anyway.

I also found viewing my Bro as an 8 year old helped. So the fact your Bro didn’t think to see if you’d be interested, is the behaviour of an 8 year old boy. Makes it easier to forgive. I was told to grieve the brother I wish I had, as he would never appear. My Therapist had me burn and bury all reminders of him. Worked for me. I stopped thing about him once I realise I would never see him again. However my bro is also a masochist who was very violent and pesistant in his attacks. But I'm guessing you know how to handle your BPD bro, who I'm sure if very different. Who needs bload ? Friends are every bit as good as family. Keep safe, Keep happy. Have a good Christmas