Devastated..

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am about a month into a breakup with my boyfriend of 7 months... by everything I have read, I truly believe he has BPD as well as a sexual and love/relationship addiction... I am devastated mostly by how our relationship ended and having a hard/impossible time moving on and accepting it. The last time I saw him, we had sex and he told me he loved me and only ever wanted me, he would wait for me as long as it took till we could get married; but, as he was walking me to my car, he was texting someone (found out later it was his new girlfriend). He texted me goodnight and that he loved me once I got home; but, by noon the next day, he was telling me that he no longer loved me and needed space... within a week, he said he had found someone else and never meant to hurt me… none of his details made sense- he said he had met her during our week apart and that it was because he felt rejected by me, but he was the one who had asked for space... also, he had his boys all week, so wouldn't have had time to meet anyone new. He, told me it was casual but then said she had already bought his kids Christmas gifts and offered to cook Thanksgiving next year for his family... signs that this relationship had been going on for much longer than he admitted to me... I just can't wrap my head around the way it ended... we had been on/off again for about 3 weeks prior to this, but he seemed to really be in love and wanting to work on us. Looking back, I can see the signs that he was cheating on me and feeling guilty. He lives with his parents and I knew he had wanted to move in with me by Christmas morning, but I had told him I couldn't do that to my kids so soon, guess he needed to move on to the next girl so he could have someplace to wake up that morning. just feel so used and betrayed! How and when will my heart heal?

[hopeful4happy]

I am about a month into a breakup with my boyfriend of 7 months... by everything I have read, I truly believe he has BPD as well as a sexual and love/relationship addiction... I am devastated mostly by how our relationship ended and having a hard/impossible time moving on and accepting it. The last time I saw him, we had sex and he told me he loved me and only ever wanted me, he would wait for me as long as it took till we could get married; but, as he was walking me to my car, he was texting someone (found out later it was his new girlfriend). He texted me goodnight and that he loved me once I got home; but, by noon the next day, he was telling me that he no longer loved me and needed space... within a week, he said he had found someone else and never meant to hurt me… none of his details made sense- he said he had met her during our week apart and that it was because he felt rejected by me, but he was the one who had asked for space... also, he had his boys all week, so wouldn't have had time to meet anyone new. He, told me it was casual but then said she had already bought his kids Christmas gifts and offered to cook Thanksgiving next year for his family... signs that this relationship had been going on for much longer than he admitted to me... I just can't wrap my head around the way it ended... we had been on/off again for about 3 weeks prior to this, but he seemed to really be in love and wanting to work on us. Looking back, I can see the signs that he was cheating on me and feeling guilty. He lives with his parents and I knew he had wanted to move in with me by Christmas morning, but I had told him I couldn't do that to my kids so soon, guess he needed to move on to the next girl so he could have someplace to wake up that morning. just feel so used and betrayed! How and when will my heart heal?

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey hopeful,

Your story echoes a lot of ours here.  Please know that it does get better, with time and distance from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that we have been submerged in.  I've been two rounds with my ex (the first was 4 years ago, lasted about 4months and the second was 3 years later, lasted a year and has recently ended).  I felt like crap for several months the first time.  This time, I'm not sure how long I'll feel bad because we were tons closer this time around.  Turns out, though, this r/s was much different on her end than mine.  Oh, mine is diagnosed BPD as well (medicated and going through DBT).

Mine, in this past year, had been with at least 4 confirmed people on some level (emotional, sexual, or both): her soon to be ex husband (M), (B) a guy she dated for a month while being with me this year, now a new guy (R) that she starting dating a few weeks ago while we were in r/s limbo, and of course me.  Oh, theres one other she swears up and down she hasn't been involved with, but c'mon already it's an ex that she cheated on M and me with over the course of a few years (N).  So theres probably a 5th, if not more.

Anyway, the problem with these types of r/s is that we have viewed them through 'normal' eyes.  We want a normal r/s and think we are involved with one.  But, we aren't.  PwBPD are damaged to their core.  We can't help them and they often don't want to help themselves. 

So, will your heart heal?  Take it from someone who's taken a bite of that apple twice: yes, it will heal.  You'll always carry the scar, but it will heal.  Focus on yourself, do something good for you and the kids and count your blessings you dodged a bullet.  Logically I know that I dodged one twice, but my heart still hurts.  Each day makes it a little better.  Grind on.