Seeking Help- Friends/Family Do Not Understand

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

I'm hoping I can get some support here, because my friends and family do not understand the hurt I feel. They tell me I just need to dis-engage from my ex and that time will heal everything. The problem is, all of my friends are in relationships and I'm in need of some serious answers. I've started seeing a therapist again, something I have not done in over a year, and is completely due to this BPD ex partner who has made me feel completely insecure in every aspect of my life. I'll start off by giving just a quick synopsis of my situation:

I have been in a two year on-and-off relationship with a BPD that has just ended a few weeks ago.  My ex started off great: she was everything I was looking for- successful, attractive, driven. I had a very demanding job schedule when we met. I was often awake at 5am and by the time I got home, was completely exhausted from being on my feet all day. I tried to be with her as much as possible during the week and all weekend. About 4 months in she started saying she needed more form the relationship. I wasn't seeing her enough- in my mind I knew for a fact I was seeing her 4-5 days a week and we weren't living together. As we progressed, she began to act out and throw temper tantrums when she didn't get her way. Here's just a few examples:

She's made scenes in front of my friends while out at dinner because she wanted to leave at 10pm and I wanted to stay with friends. She's left me at a friend's wedding in the middle of dinner because I told her she should wait to eat until after everyone received their food. She got drunk at dinner and we discussed moving in together- keep in mind this was 6 months in- I told her I wasn't ready for that and she made another scene. As I was talking to a female bartender closing the tab, she accused me of hitting on her. After calming her down, I returned to our table to find that she had stolen my phone. I subsequently wasn't able to retrieve it until the next morning in her mailbox... this was after she insulted my profession and called me a loser, only to drive two miles to my apartment and throw rocks at my window until I came to the door. Oh, and she's put me down numerous times, called my family names, and has physically assaulted me twice. The first time she slipped on spilled beer that she knocked from my hand, and she busted her lip open. Upon leaving her place she screamed to her neighbors that I hit her. Let me state I would never and will never hit a female. Most recently, after reconnecting after being absent from each other for a decent time where we both saw other people, she tells me two days after we meet for coffee and are intimate that while we were apart she booked a trip to Europe with some guy she was emailing with who lives in Germany who she met through a friend last Feb. Um, we were definitely talking last February. She's going over New Year's Eve and now after breaking up I have to work through her being with some other man in a foreign country and I'm a mess about things. 

I'm no professional but I have been reading about BPD relationships like crazy the last few days and I cant help to think this is one of them. Every bullet point I read about the Surving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD rang true and could vividly remember specific situations with her. She has severe dad issues and was in AA voluntarily for a while. She's since began drinking again before we met and I should mention most all of her outbursts have involved alcohol and I think she may need treatment. There are things she does that after confrontation she has no recollection of even doing.

I am driving myself crazy trying to self-diagnose and figure out ways to move on in a healthy way with my life. I am so beaten up from her put-downs and making me insecure about my life, I feel desperate. I kept asking her why she made her decision to break it off- through a text- after telling me she wanted to move in with me and she wanted kids with me in the future. This was before she decided to pummel my face for no reason other than she thinks the reason my friends don't like her is my fault, while I was driving us home. Why can't these BPD's understand how they hurt others? What is the disconnect? Why do I find myself breaking my own boundaries with this one specific person?

I apologize for any ignorance, and don't even know if I'll get a response, but I would seriously appreciate any and all advice from anyone who's gone through this and knows what I'm dealing with.

Thanks in advance.

[stl1984]

Hi,

I'm hoping I can get some support here, because my friends and family do not understand the hurt I feel. They tell me I just need to dis-engage from my ex and that time will heal everything. The problem is, all of my friends are in relationships and I'm in need of some serious answers. I've started seeing a therapist again, something I have not done in over a year, and is completely due to this BPD ex partner who has made me feel completely insecure in every aspect of my life. I'll start off by giving just a quick synopsis of my situation:

I have been in a two year on-and-off relationship with a BPD that has just ended a few weeks ago.  My ex started off great: she was everything I was looking for- successful, attractive, driven. I had a very demanding job schedule when we met. I was often awake at 5am and by the time I got home, was completely exhausted from being on my feet all day. I tried to be with her as much as possible during the week and all weekend. About 4 months in she started saying she needed more form the relationship. I wasn't seeing her enough- in my mind I knew for a fact I was seeing her 4-5 days a week and we weren't living together. As we progressed, she began to act out and throw temper tantrums when she didn't get her way. Here's just a few examples:

She's made scenes in front of my friends while out at dinner because she wanted to leave at 10pm and I wanted to stay with friends. She's left me at a friend's wedding in the middle of dinner because I told her she should wait to eat until after everyone received their food. She got drunk at dinner and we discussed moving in together- keep in mind this was 6 months in- I told her I wasn't ready for that and she made another scene. As I was talking to a female bartender closing the tab, she accused me of hitting on her. After calming her down, I returned to our table to find that she had stolen my phone. I subsequently wasn't able to retrieve it until the next morning in her mailbox... this was after she insulted my profession and called me a loser, only to drive two miles to my apartment and throw rocks at my window until I came to the door. Oh, and she's put me down numerous times, called my family names, and has physically assaulted me twice. The first time she slipped on spilled beer that she knocked from my hand, and she busted her lip open. Upon leaving her place she screamed to her neighbors that I hit her. Let me state I would never and will never hit a female. Most recently, after reconnecting after being absent from each other for a decent time where we both saw other people, she tells me two days after we meet for coffee and are intimate that while we were apart she booked a trip to Europe with some guy she was emailing with who lives in Germany who she met through a friend last Feb. Um, we were definitely talking last February. She's going over New Year's Eve and now after breaking up I have to work through her being with some other man in a foreign country and I'm a mess about things. 

I'm no professional but I have been reading about BPD relationships like crazy the last few days and I cant help to think this is one of them. Every bullet point I read about the Surving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD rang true and could vividly remember specific situations with her. She has severe dad issues and was in AA voluntarily for a while. She's since began drinking again before we met and I should mention most all of her outbursts have involved alcohol and I think she may need treatment. There are things she does that after confrontation she has no recollection of even doing.

I am driving myself crazy trying to self-diagnose and figure out ways to move on in a healthy way with my life. I am so beaten up from her put-downs and making me insecure about my life, I feel desperate. I kept asking her why she made her decision to break it off- through a text- after telling me she wanted to move in with me and she wanted kids with me in the future. This was before she decided to pummel my face for no reason other than she thinks the reason my friends don't like her is my fault, while I was driving us home. Why can't these BPD's understand how they hurt others? What is the disconnect? Why do I find myself breaking my own boundaries with this one specific person?

I apologize for any ignorance, and don't even know if I'll get a response, but I would seriously appreciate any and all advice from anyone who's gone through this and knows what I'm dealing with.

Thanks in advance.

[lovenature]

Why can't these BPD's understand how they hurt others? What is the disconnect? Why do I find myself breaking my own boundaries with this one specific person?

Family and friends are not capable of giving you advice or validation of what you have been through if they haven't lived it themselves. Would you honestly have fathomed it if you didn't live it? I sure as he** couldn't have!

A pwBPD is not capable of empathy; typically they have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old-it is all about them, they only are capable of loving what you can provide for them, not a healthy, mature, reciprocal relationship.

There are times where they will dissociate from reality because the pain of whatever emotion they feel at the time is too much for them; saying they don't remember something may be evidence of this.

Regardless if she has BPD or not, my advice is to focus on your last question; why did you allow this person to treat you the way she did for as long as she did? I have co-dependency (rescuer/caretaker), once you can pinpoint the reason you stayed and allowed your boundaries to be busted, the real healing can begin.

Look after yourself.

[once removed]

hey stl1984 and

you came to the right place for support and understanding, and i commend you for doing so, as well as seeking therapy as a tool. it comes highly recommended 

family and friends do often have a difficult time understanding, and though they mean well and want the best for us, can be invalidating when they encourage us, for example, to move on, or suggest that we should be happy to be out. you are grieving a two and a half year relationship. let yourself grieve  .

"Why can't these BPD's understand how they hurt others? What is the disconnect? Why do I find myself breaking my own boundaries with this one specific person?"

the answers to these questions are complex; BPD is a serious mental illness. i strongly encourage you to keep reading, and learn more about the disorder. it can go a long way toward better understanding what we have been through, and even begin to depersonalize our partners hurtful actions toward us. you might start with the lessons we have here, which include "BPD behaviors". you can find the lessons here ----> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

i also encourage you to keep posting, stl1984. we are a support group, we are here to support you every step of the way, and i can assure you that many members can closely relate to your experience. sharing your experience and relating with the experiences of others will help you to know you are not alone