Absolutely fried

[Greenleaf23]

I need some advice please. I got back with ex gf who i think has BPD. She is an alcohol abuser and drug user. I have health problems from being around her. I am a recovering alki. We broke up weeks ago and i blocked the number then unblocked it after a week and she called over and over again. She was hyperventilating when I answered. I love her and i want her to be happy. I cannot make her happy. She said she was going to a counselor. I did hurt her by lying about sending an apology to a female friend who tried to help me get out of this relationship. Im at my wits end. She just blew up accusing me of cheating and lying. I told her i walked on eggshells all the time and that I was afraid of her. I am scared of her. I feel like my health and my life are ruined. It has been on again off again for a little under two years. I just want peace and safety. She has shown up at my place unannounced before. Im tired i need help i really would rather sleep all the time or just disappear at this point. The constant criticism and never doing enough has drained me. I hate myself for putting myself in this situation. I love her and i want her to find peace and happiness. I canot relax in my own home or my own body. My life has become a neverending nightmare. I am not functioning. I have been seeing a counselor and a shrink. I go to meetings. I work on myself. I blocked her number after apologizing to her for lying and hurting her and i explained how i felt controlled and miserable. Now i am trying to heal but i feel like i am 2 years old and i feel like someone has destroyed my soul. Please help.

[lovenature]

I can relate to how you feel; for far too long now I have existed as a broken down empty shell of the person I was when I was a young kid (38 now), still struggling to get better :'(

What has helped me the most is reading others experiences and knowing I am not alone, learning about BPD and my role in the relationship, and trying to always be realistic and remember who I was, and know that's who I am.

I have found that when I have felt the best (mostly out of the fog), I have accepted that what my uBPDexgf did was because of her disorder and there was nothing I could do about it; I find the saddest part is the more I loved her-the more she pushed me away. Most pwBPD will not get the help they need, and only they can make that choice.

When we shift the focus from our disordered ex's to ourselves, mainly why we stayed as long as we did and accepted what we did, then real healing can begin. Try to be kind to yourself.

[Mutt]

Hi Greenleaf23,

I just want peace and safety.

I agree with lovenature. Have you thought about your self protection with going NC or minimal contact? You have the right idea, we don't find happiness in others, we create our own happiness. I understand the worry about your health. We can get off the emotional roller-coaster.

[Greenleaf23]

I talked to her tonight. She said she was healthy after going to the doctor. I am in recovery and I am overcoming a serious problem with alcohol. My ex gf has shown up unannounced multiple times and we are 2 hours apart. Tomorrow I am going to my father's where I can feel comfortable. Right now I feel like I do not have my own life. Earlier tonight she told me about how I never did enough and that I was a bad person. Every time we break up she comes around. Earlier tonight she was crying and asking me why I was not there holding her. We have been doing this dance for almost two years. This entire experience has made me feel tainted and unable to ever have a relationship with a woman. Nothing seems real any longer. Everything feels like a dream and I cannot tell what is true and what is false. During our breakups I never bothered her. Someone please tell me I can recover and develop a sense of self again. Alcohol kicked my butt and now a woman is making my life unmanageable. Am I lucky she never got pregnant?