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Author Topic: What causes the BPD to discard?  (Read 3632 times)
Trip09

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« on: December 22, 2015, 10:49:09 PM »

Hi all, I posted on here a few days ago telling my story with my exBPD. If you wanna read, follow the link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287803.0

What I am unsure about is what triggers people with BPD to devalue and discard you?  With my exBPD, the breakup came from nowhere. In short she did it a week, yep 1 WEEK! After we moved into a house we bought together. I have no idea what may have triggered it as I felt I was showering her more love and affection the longer our relationship grew (approx. 2 years).

:check:Any suggestions/experiences?

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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2015, 11:07:42 PM »

Hi all, I posted on here a few days ago telling my story with my exBPD. If you wanna read, follow the link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287803.0

What I am unsure about is what triggers people with BPD to devalue and discard you?  With my exBPD, the breakup came from nowhere. In short she did it a week, yep 1 WEEK! After we moved into a house we bought together. I have no idea what may have triggered it as I felt I was showering her more love and affection the longer our relationship grew (approx. 2 years).

:check:Any suggestions/experiences?

They're mentally ill?

Seriously though, its a spectrum disorder, so what 'triggers' the discard is different for each of them.  They all start to devalue their partners at some point.  Some are faster than others in that area.  Mine, for instance, slowly devalued me but couldn't tell me why in the end.  She just did, really.  I got to close to her on an emotional level and she had to preemptively leave me before I left her.  The sad part is, it was all in her head.
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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2015, 01:37:17 AM »

Trip

You may have triggered her fear of engulfment. The more you love them the more they push you away. The less you love them the more they say you aren't doing enough.

Please be ready for the other shoe to drop. If she left you, that quickly, then you need to be aware of the likelihood that she will reappear in a week or so with another guy. If she is truly BPD she will not be able to be on her own for any extended period of time.

To predict her future you need to look at her past. What was the nature and length of her relationships before she met you? You were together for 2 years. How long was she on her own from the previous relationship before you were on the scene?

IF you were her saviour from a previous relationship, then please be ready for her to roll out the person who is saving her from the current situation. Mine took 2 weeks to be out and in love with her new man after she had lived with me for 4 years!

Just be ready for that to happen mate.,
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« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2015, 02:04:09 AM »

Basically, their perceived need to secure their emotional survival. 

In the run up to the discard she was probably 'bubbling up inside' struggling to process her seething resentment at your imperfection as a life partner.  In the end it just erupts and you drown in the vitriol. You are Pompeii and she is Vesuvius - there needn't be any real warning signs when you're dating an active volcano! 

My ex used to put minor incidents into a 'filing cabinet' in her mind. Everything goes along ok until there is no room left in the cabinet - then it's 'goodbye loser'!


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Alberto
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« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2015, 04:10:24 AM »

My ex was severely depressed for more than a year after a break up, she was a complete mess, to the point of having suicidal thoughts because he was everything to her.

Recently I found out that soon after they were engaged, he had to kick her out because he found her emotionally cheating.

Might be the learned hopelessness? like the analogy of saving someone drowning in the ocean just to see them jumping into the water again.

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« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2015, 04:22:34 AM »

I don't really think there is a trigger which starts the devaluing. I've been in a relationship for over 6 months and have no less than 15 devaluing/idolizing cycles in which most end up in a short break up anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks.

How I see it is there is no trigger. I feel as though their feelings just change without any reason. They can be madly In love one minute then without any provocation can seem to just hate you. I believe the devaluing occurs because they try to justify this new found hatred of you. They will bring up everything in the past even things that were already fought about.   They cannot control there emotions. They can't explain why they do not love anymore so it must be our fault and they will come up with every reason in the book that you are now a scumbag, loser, liar, manipulator, and evil person. This makes them feel better about themselves and justify there feelings.
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Trip09

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« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2015, 06:06:55 AM »

To predict her future you need to look at her past. What was the nature and length of her relationships before she met you? You were together for 2 years. How long was she on her own from the previous relationship before you were on the scene?

IF you were her saviour from a previous relationship, then please be ready for her to roll out the person who is saving her from the current situation. Mine took 2 weeks to be out and in love with her new man after she had lived with me for 4 years!

Just be ready for that to happen mate.,

Thanks guys, this helps a lot!

I was her saviour from her previous relationship. We first met when she was with with her ex before me, just through her sister who i was friends with. She said she was having all relationship troubles and eventually they broke up. She was with him for 7 years, I think this last much longer as she was of larger size throughout the relationship and lost about 40kg in the last year or so with him. It was like once she had a "nice" body, her BPD fully kicked in because she realised more guys were interested in her. I remember when her sister came over having trouble with her relationship, my exBPD first reaction to solve the problem was, "but now you can be with this guy, or this guy or this guy etc". when all she wanted was help to work through the trouble she was having in her currently relationship, like a normal person does.

Im not sure how long she was with guys before him, she never said. But I found out after we broke up she had dumped him (7 year guy) by sending him a text while he was away on business. Cant comprehend the cruelty after being with someone for 7 years and you leave them over a text... BPD at its finest people! I was always lead to believe it was a proper brake up and that their relationship was well over, we got together only a month or two after the break up. Looking back it was a massive mistake on my behalf to venture in with her so early, but when you're falling in love you dont think as clearly... A good lesson learnt for me.

She has always had partners since she was 14 or so, never has had ANY time single. She is with someone now, it only took her a few weeks after our break up to show she was with him, but obviously there were things happening before. Looking at it now ive thought about it more since my original post, I feel thus was her trigger to start devaluing me as she had found a new supply, basically exactly how we started...

When she left me she bought up so many reasons that were delusional and not even real but she had justified them in her head. Anything i said i did for her she turned it around to be a negative on my behalf. An example, I often would say we should have her niece around to give her a break away from her home (her brother was autistic and parents divorced so home life wasnt great for her), so she could chill out and have fun at our place. In the end i was made to be the bad guy for wanting to help her niece out because i spent a few hours studying the night she came over... Things like that to justify her actions were so common especially in the discard stage. It was like i was talking to someone with amnesia and who was totally lost from reality

You guys have helped make this a lot more clear. It still baffles my mind, but i know i cant put logic into an illogical situation. Better for the experience, just glad to now be on the other side and away from her, hopefully for good!
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« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2015, 06:45:11 AM »

She is with someone now, it only took her a few weeks after our break up to show she was with him, but obviously there were things happening before. Looking at it now ive thought about it more since my original post, I feel thus was her trigger to start devaluing me as she had found a new supply, basically exactly how we started...

Yup ... .and that is a hard lesson to learn.  I have been "that guy" before on several occasions ... .and I learned my lesson the hard way as well.   Mine discarded me the same way to the best of my knowledge.   I suspect I got replaced at least a month before the second discard (i.e. she was at least having an emotional affair).  If this did indeed happen I am fairly certain she was "in a relationship" within 2-3 weeks after the final discard ... .which came via text.

When we met she wasn't in a relationship and she led me to believe it had been over for quite a while (at least 6 months).  :)uring our last big fight I confirmed a suspicion that I had that she was still doing something with her ex a couple of months before we started seeing each other, so I really don't know just how long it had been between him and me.  Maybe a month or two, maybe less?  
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GreenEyedMonster
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« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2015, 12:07:18 PM »

In short, they devalue and discard you when they realize that they are not safe from their core trauma in your relationship.

The more you know about the original abuse the person experienced, the easier it is to find the trigger.

My ex had an overbearing mother who lived vicariously through him.  Wanting too much attention and inclusion in his life was the trigger.  It's all connected.
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« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2015, 03:25:59 PM »

I don't really think there is a trigger which starts the devaluing. I've been in a relationship for over 6 months and have no less than 15 devaluing/idolizing cycles in which most end up in a short break up anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks.

Wow, this has made me realise those things I thought were unconnected were actual incidents that happened, and foreshadowed the rest of the relationship - all within a few weeks of our intense getting together!

The first one came when we were sitting across from each other at a small table and each working on our laptops with fingers enfolded. I gazed at him lovingly, just a few inches from his face, for maybe a minute or more and suddenly, completely without warning, he snapped "you're a bit close aren't you?" - or something like that.

It was like a slap in the face. A moment later he threw his arms around me and said "I'm sorry!".  But I was so shocked I didn't respond to what would become a very rare occurence - an apology.   I asked what the problem was exactly and he said something about being uncomfortable at being looked at.

I somehow let that one go but it was the first time and not the last. I know I carried that around for a while and was vigilant but it took another couple of weeks for some odd and surprising thing to happen.

There were so many hundreds of such things. I only really started to pay attention months later and started to get seriously hurt by them. Before that I put it down to genuine awkwardness and possibly some social dysfunction, maybe a touch of Aspergers, I just didn't know.

The more I read here, the more it all fits. Oh why didn't I come across this site a year ago!
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« Reply #10 on: December 23, 2015, 03:51:19 PM »

I don't really think there is a trigger which starts the devaluing.

I agree with this. When I started thinking about BPD, I was thinking more along the lines of larger mechanisms of this illness and I think those core fears are always there, but I think there is the everyday level of emotions coming at light speed. Feelings=facts. Devaluation and idealization produce a kind of pseudo- rationality to these I think, hence the constant rewriting of history. I believe my ex wen through these a lot on the everyday scale and he would simply splice, it was incredible. Narcs and ASPD do that, too. I think, in our individual story this was occurring on something larger and going downhill already. I don't know how much of it is related with my reactions. Someone with more codependent behaviours or reacting more overtly emotionally might have lasted longer with him perhaps. But looking at his relationship history I think he would still be devaluing them and working towards the inevitable end anyway. That's the disorder. I left him. But before that the more I tried to solve problems through boundaries etc, the more he dysregulated and I think he was seeing me as a kind of persecutor but still trying to hold it together to a degree - at the same time being rude and dismissive. Maybe if he had a replacement, I would have been openly devalued and discarded more easily, or he would stay but physically cheat - he was emotionally anyway, but didn't have that definition, just "friends" as usual and he kept on badmouthing these people out of nowhere- he was dysfunctional and dependent on me. So, I don't know really. It seems like he was doing everything at the same time. 
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« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2017, 07:57:05 PM »

Trip

You may have triggered her fear of engulfment. The more you love them the more they push you away. The less you love them the more they say you aren't doing enough.

Please be ready for the other shoe to drop. If she left you, that quickly, then you need to be aware of the likelihood that she will reappear in a week or so with another guy. If she is truly BPD she will not be able to be on her own for any extended period of time.

To predict her future you need to look at her past. What was the nature and length of her relationships before she met you? You were together for 2 years. How long was she on her own from the previous relationship before you were on the scene?

IF you were her saviour from a previous relationship, then please be ready for her to roll out the person who is saving her from the current situation. Mine took 2 weeks to be out and in love with her new man after she had lived with me for 4 years!

Just be ready for that to happen mate.,

that is so damn accurate. after my dumped me (sent me to jail btw), what a way to get dumped. in 2weeks she was posting pictures with the replacement. it seemed well thought out, broke my heart. didnt wnat to return, didnt care bout our 4 children, didnt care bout 7 years of marriage, took the children to get free govt support. she is purely a lunatic. all i did was push her abandonment buttons. i didnt know this nasty discard was coming or i would of played way nicer . i still love her though but she leaves me no choice but to move on. its been 5 months, we tried to get her back, but further pushed her away. everyone tried from her family to my family to me, her friends, but she doestn want to leave this man, she seems completely infatuated by him like he is a god. guy is a straight loser.
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« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2017, 09:28:10 PM »

In my experience my ex would discard me because I would or could not meet her very entitled and unrealistic expectations. On the flip side she didn't try to make things work and moves things along nearly as much as I did but in the end I got all of the blame.

If she was unhappy with her life or her self she used me as a scapegoat. It was never her own decisions.
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icesoul
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« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2017, 10:17:57 PM »

In my experience my ex would discard me because I would or could not meet her very entitled and unrealistic expectations. On the flip side she didn't try to make things work and moves things along nearly as much as I did but in the end I got all of the blame.

If she was unhappy with her life or her self she used me as a scapegoat. It was never her own decisions.

no doubt man. these women are unpredictable. mine used to put a lot of work in the relationship first 6 years, i think somehow she got bored in the relationship, felt like i was ignorant her, which i wasnt. i felt like the "calm" was boring for my wife. she gave up on marriage not thinking how it effects the kids. i never wanted to give my kids a broken home i fought for her til the last minute but i guess once they decide to discard its final. i think i went above her threshhold of toleration. she threw BS at me, i threw it right back. like she would say, im leaving you to go my mom, i would say, get lost. i regret it now, cause i didnt know how severe the consequences were. i didnt know there was a guy in the wings waiting to snatch her away. but at the end, i look at it that she had no loyal or honor, how dirty she did me. im not perfect but is that a way to treat the father of ur children, ruthless creature.
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« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2017, 12:04:56 AM »

User: 2010, said pwBPD dont "discard" they flee and run away. They are a victim in their mind. Makes perfect sense to me.
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« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2017, 12:24:22 AM »

User: 2010, said pwBPD dont "discard" they flee and run away. They are a victim in their mind. Makes perfect sense to me.

they sure make victims out of everybody else around them  Thought i thought i was gona die from the pain i felt when i seen her pic with the replacement, i didnt see it coming. i dont think my brain will ever be normal from the experience. worst part is, that i felt more like a father than a husband and its like when ur child makes a mistake, u think about forgiving them. cant believe i am willing to forgive that part and still miss her. i guess i give her the benefit of the doubt she is ill and can use some therapy. in my situation the runnin felt more like a escape route to run to the lover, and then she cut all conversation shut. either way she gona have to eat up a divorce anyway, no matter how much she avoid it. kets see how she handles that emotionally, she seem like she is expecting it and ready to marry the new guy.
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« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2017, 07:52:40 AM »

no doubt man. these women are unpredictable.

i think somehow she got bored in the relationship, felt like i was ignorant her, which i wasnt. i felt like the "calm" was boring for my wife. she gave up on marriage not thinking how it effects the kids.

Calm = boring is something I experienced. When she left me for someone new, that quickly grew boring and she would run back. And thinking of others? Unless she felt shame about it (which is really thinking of herself) she never thought about others.

Like so much else, I think their feelings are normal in the sense that lots of people get bored in relationships. But they feel them more intensely than others which can make it overwhelming for them. They also lack object constancy, so can quickly give up and move on to someone newer and shinier with little thought for anyone but themselves.

It's all about how they are feeling in the moment, based upon my experience.
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icesoul
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« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2017, 01:05:29 PM »

Calm = boring is something I experienced. When she left me for someone new, that quickly grew boring and she would run back. And thinking of others? Unless she felt shame about it (which is really thinking of herself) she never thought about others.

Like so much else, I think their feelings are normal in the sense that lots of people get bored in relationships. But they feel them more intensely than others which can make it overwhelming for them. They also lack object constancy, so can quickly give up and move on to someone newer and shinier with little thought for anyone but themselves.

It's all about how they are feeling in the moment, based upon my experience.

i read on the this blog that people with BPD can more to relate more to "chaos than calm", calm is scary for them. its so true, cause when my soon to be xBPDwife left me, she was living poor, had no money, clothes, had to work (never worked before) and leaving my children with this loser couple to babysit. but she proudly expressed to my sis on texts, that its good to struggle and learn, how else would u move forward... What the heck? previously she was complaining about how i wouldn't work, using that as justification to cheat (we always had money and lived ok life), but now living worse condition for a loser guy giving more importance to the affair then her own children and husband. that alone shows how twisted their thinking is.

atleast yours got bored and ran back to you, not mine. we try to salvage the relationship for the sake of kids, everyone in our famiy, her family, her friends tried so hard to bring her back. but her rigid thinking not wanting to back, she is extremely stubborn in her decision. her discard seemed so brutal and final. she has serious narcissistic traits as well, even though i believe she is a borderline.

one thing i noticed about her before leaving me, when we were having arguments. she made a new facebook page with her childhood pic, she added all her cousins/family member, that she disliked before and they in the past didnt like her either. that is so weird. somehow people that didnt matter, their opinions mattered more to her than mine. maybe she was lonely, who knows. she also used to look at her friends pictures going on vacation, telling me, with kids we cant do nothing, look at them. i told her, in beginning of any relationship/ marriage (honeymoon phase), its a lot of fun cause there are have no responsibilities, she didnt get that.  i can take some responsibility to her bordem that we stopped going out cause i was so busy with handling kids, we had no help but i didnt think she would go to someone else to get those needs met. for god sake, where is the loyalty? where a woman cant keep her legs closed.

i also read a blog online in general on women with infidelity issues, once they have affair, they begin to resent their husbands. maybe in my case, this must of been ongoing. mine was already emotionally detaching for half a year, i had no idea. she would constantly cook, not speak to me, always looking bored with this face she made. im no angel, i used to say "why do you have that stupid look again, what have i done now"  seriously didnt know how to deal with that crap. she stop holding hands, stopped kissing me, yet we would have sex everyday, maybe it was something to do. we were intimate a week before discard, maybe she was securing her replacement and had me blinded with intimacy.

but yea man. how can one day, they forget all their blessings, and forget marriage is boring, cheat, in my situation straight abandoned me, it beats me. not only that mine was pregnant, maybe her harmonies were out of control. im hoping next time i find a good woman. this was too much pain. this woman had destroyed everything i built for in lat 7 years, and my kids, EVERYTHING.
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« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2017, 12:47:56 PM »

Hi Trip,

If y'all became emotionally too close that perhaps triggered Engulfment in her and she split or pushed you away, or both. Engulfment is the push side of BPD. If that's the case, be prepared because there is a good chance that she'll be back if her Fear of Abandonment gets triggered as a result of your absence (that's the pull side of the disorder).

The other discard, which in my opinion, is more permanent is when a pwBPD decides that the Non is not a suitable bonding candidate (The Non is not suitable to complete their fractured self.)

Keep in mind that these actions/decisions are based off of emotions from a person that has a very difficult time regulating his/her emotions. There are triggers for this, but they may not be as cut and dried as one would expect. You, possibly are the trigger, regardless of any actions on your behalf. Start at the end result, the discard that you're questioning, and work backwards. You'll likely discover what triggered the emotional change.
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« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2017, 04:57:56 PM »

User: 2010, said pwBPD dont "discard" they flee and run away. They are a victim in their mind. Makes perfect sense to me.

Thanks for posting this Hurting, totally agree; the ":)iscard" is a way for us to communicate the experience of being on the receiving end of a person in full emotional flight.  Their mind rationalizes the dissociated feelings and tells stories of self-perceived victimization.

I believe my ex got to the place of being unable to "manage me" through her bullying and when she saw it was not working anymore the relational ice kept thinner and one day cracked and then she fell through it never to trust walking on it again.

Very very sad
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« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2017, 10:53:41 AM »

Thanks for posting this Hurting, totally agree; the ":)iscard" is a way for us to communicate the experience of being on the receiving end of a person in full emotional flight.  Their mind rationalizes the dissociated feelings and tells stories of self-perceived victimization.

I believe my ex got to the place of being unable to "manage me" through her bullying and when she saw it was not working anymore the relational ice kept thinner and one day cracked and then she fell through it never to trust walking on it again.

Very very sad

This is my exact thoughts on what happened with mine. EXACT. Such a shame we all had to have such similar stories. Or maybe a really great blessing.
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« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2017, 11:21:49 AM »

I gazed at him lovingly, just a few inches from his face, for maybe a minute or more and suddenly, completely without warning, he snapped "you're a bit close aren't you?" 

Wow! I almost had the exact same experience with mine. We were lying on my bed, and I gazed lovingly into his eyes. For a second his eyes looking into mine got lovey dovey and he returned my gaze - then he SNAPPED out of it - turned away from me saying "Stop that".
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« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2017, 12:34:02 PM »

Wow! I almost had the exact same experience with mine. We were lying on my bed, and I gazed lovingly into his eyes. For a second his eyes looking into mine got lovey dovey and he returned my gaze - then he SNAPPED out of it - turned away from me saying "Stop that".

Wow, so very sad for someone to crave intimacy, a connection, so desperately, but when acquired, not be able to deal with the emotions that said closeness entails. BPD is cruel to everyone!
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« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2017, 01:05:27 PM »

i read on the this blog that people with BPD can more to relate more to "chaos than calm", calm is scary for them. its so true, cause when my soon to be xBPDwife left me, she was living poor, had no money, clothes, had to work (never worked before) and leaving my children with this loser couple to babysit. but she proudly expressed to my sis on texts, that its good to struggle and learn, how else would u move forward... What the heck? previously she was complaining about how i wouldn't work, using that as justification to cheat (we always had money and lived ok life), but now living worse condition for a loser guy giving more importance to the affair then her own children and husband. that alone shows how twisted their thinking is.

atleast yours got bored and ran back to you, not mine. we try to salvage the relationship for the sake of kids, everyone in our famiy, her family, her friends tried so hard to bring her back. but her rigid thinking not wanting to back, she is extremely stubborn in her decision. her discard seemed so brutal and final. she has serious narcissistic traits as well, even though i believe she is a borderline.

one thing i noticed about her before leaving me, when we were having arguments. she made a new facebook page with her childhood pic, she added all her cousins/family member, that she disliked before and they in the past didnt like her either. that is so weird. somehow people that didnt matter, their opinions mattered more to her than mine. maybe she was lonely, who knows. she also used to look at her friends pictures going on vacation, telling me, with kids we cant do nothing, look at them. i told her, in beginning of any relationship/ marriage (honeymoon phase), its a lot of fun cause there are have no responsibilities, she didnt get that.  i can take some responsibility to her bordem that we stopped going out cause i was so busy with handling kids, we had no help but i didnt think she would go to someone else to get those needs met. for god sake, where is the loyalty? where a woman cant keep her legs closed.

i also read a blog online in general on women with infidelity issues, once they have affair, they begin to resent their husbands. maybe in my case, this must of been ongoing. mine was already emotionally detaching for half a year, i had no idea. she would constantly cook, not speak to me, always looking bored with this face she made. im no angel, i used to say "why do you have that stupid look again, what have i done now"  seriously didnt know how to deal with that crap. she stop holding hands, stopped kissing me, yet we would have sex everyday, maybe it was something to do. we were intimate a week before discard, maybe she was securing her replacement and had me blinded with intimacy.

but yea man. how can one day, they forget all their blessings, and forget marriage is boring, cheat, in my situation straight abandoned me, it beats me. not only that mine was pregnant, maybe her harmonies were out of control. im hoping next time i find a good woman. this was too much pain. this woman had destroyed everything i built for in lat 7 years, and my kids, EVERYTHING.

I guess I should be happy that things ended early on and never developed. I just had the head games for a few months, but could not move past that and start dating. Definitely got led on. She definitely gave me signs, so I pursued and got pushed back... .each time. I can't imagine having actually built a relationship and have somebody do that to you and your children.
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« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2017, 01:30:45 PM »

I would say the reason for the discard was all that breathing in and breathing out I did... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

Seriously - it's an enigma as to what if anything specifically "causes" it... .and so much of what goes on with someone with BPD isn't something you can see... .it is only predicable as a pattern of behavior but in my opinion trying to determine what caused it is a element of control... .IE if we knew what triggered it we could stop ourselves from being discarded... .

Accept that regardless of the specific trigger, the discard is part of behavior just like the idealization and devaluation.
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« Reply #25 on: March 08, 2017, 02:55:35 PM »

Wow, so very sad for someone to crave intimacy, a connection, so desperately, but when acquired, not be able to deal with the emotions that said closeness entails. BPD is cruel to everyone!

Agreed.  I sensed a lot of fear of getting too close and shame. Like he didn't deserve to be loved. Sad.
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