I have encouraged others to stay NC as it does no good. Please forgive me for being a hippocrate. I called my f at my wife's urging. I am working on citizenship and he will obtain his via my efforts. I called and emailed to update him and let him know I may need a letter from him. He was okay with that. I spoke to him 7-9x and have seen him once since 1998. We live 35 miles away from each other. Read my back story if you wish.
We spoke for a few minutes and he mentioned his daughter had a baby. I said I had one as well. He said congrats and asked to come see it. Maybe on a weekend? I said sure. He did not ask further questions about baby. I emailed him pics so my wife can have no doubt the problem is not on my end. She thinks he's a nice guy and had some issues but got his life together and I am being a jerk. I thought on the remote chance she is correct (humanistic approach -people change), my child may have a gfather. His father raised me so I am sympathetic to gchild -gparent relationships.
He went on to talk about his drug dealing friends ( he's in his 60's) and their legal issues, my 1/2 brother being a loser and his ex-wifes and how crazy they are. He still talks to them but says he tries not to.
We parted ways on good terms no mention of anything negative. A new gparent would often travel far and wide to see new gbaby. I know we have little to no relationship and I turned my back on him in the throes of his major drug addiction. I bailed him out of jail approx. 15x.
As I as mentally drafting this post, it occurred to me it's doubtful (but a good thing) he will not follow-up. However, what I realized was it could be a few things or combination of : 1) severe drug use caused him to emotionally disassociate himself from me, 2) he is still resentful I turned my back on his requests I commit serious crimes when I was 19 to help him, 3) he has some scruples but is so embarrassed at what happened, he will stay away, 4) he is a narcissist and will look small around me.
I am by no means accomplished. I have a small business , little to no money, an advanced degree and a loving wife and baby. I did it on my own.
A narcissist surrounds themselves with losers to make themselves look and feel better. I always thought of narcissists as successful and polished people who rip people off and laugh about it. They have a series of trophy -ex wifes ( the men do) and brag about winning in business and in divorce court. I know a man who has a f just like what I described and they have no relationship. It easy to identify his f only cares about himself and having a nice car and nice looking wife on his arm. My friend recovered just fine from this but we do mention it occasionally.
My f on the other hand fits this criteria except the women are often ex-con drug addicts and he does not have much money. His social network is comprised of low-level criminal with limited education. There is nothing wrong with not having much education if you are not able to acquire it. However, dropping out of high school and being a life long drug dealer does not impress me. This is who he hangs out with. He is the big man.
He always brags to me (even yesterday) of how he had on a nice suit and represented himself in court against his ex-wife who was brought to family court in shackles.
Out of what I listed above for reasons he stays away, I dare say after yesterday, he is a combination but I am leaning primarily towards narcissism. He did make a rude dig to me yesterday about a project I am working on having limited success so far. I ignored it.
As I write this, I hope we can all learn to stop second guessing ourselves and realize when you set up a stable scenario for a BPD or other disordered person to engage with you, they will not as they sense there is no dysfunction or way to feed their own disorders.
I actually feel as though I grew and healed from this brief encounter. It's as though I am much clearer on what happened in my early years. I never had a M and will never have a F. Many of you are in the same situation. We have ourselves and whatever other stable people God brings into our lives. Trust me, that is more than enough.
Thanks for letting me vent !
F responds back to baby pics. "
Congrats- he looks great- does he need anything". I respond back baby needs me to secure citizenship for him and how my in-laws had a big party to celebrate.
:)oes that sound like a normal person speaking to his son who he has only seen 1x in 20+ years? There was no emotion at all. There is something deeply broken in this man. What about - "I hope I at least taught you how not to be a father" or some other interperspective comment? What about I want to bring some diapers by and maybe I will pick up lunch and bring by so we can visit?
I guess I am looking for some normal reaction. There is no need to compare my F to other F's. Instead, I and all of us should celebrate we grew up in bad situations and had enough sense to come here to achieve sanity. I truly mean this. We are all survivors trying to heal.
These people are very dysfunctional and will throw you through a loop in every interaction you have with them. I realize I am polite and professional. I do not make jokes that can be taken wrong and let the rude comments roll off me.
Do many of us keep the insanity going by expecting to get remotely normal responses from these folk? Is this why we have so much drama in our lives?
I truly believe if you act polite and professional, they will not be able to engage with you on any level. This will keep them away from you as there can be no insanity. If there is no craziness, they are not interested. They will respond to others you are stuck-up or too good for them. Who cares.
The good that has come from this is my wife can not think maybe I am the mean one and as my son gets older, I can never be accused of hiding his grandfather from him.
I hope you all have some peaceful time and get to do some soul searching on how to conclude these toxic relationships. If you notice, do you see the BPD's in our lives having close relationships with extremely sane people? I do not. Maybe on the surface but not on a deep interpersonal level. That should tell you all you need to know.
