Has me call him up just to complain at me over getting him sick

[misuniadziubek]

My BPDbf texts me to call him up.

From the moment he picks up it's obvious he is in a terrible cranky mood.

"So I'm sick." I sympathise. Tell him it must feel horrible and that I'm sorry he's in such bad shape.

"Well, you did what you did after I told you not to. "

Last weekend Friday he was itching to see me. I told him I couldn't come up that day because I had a cold and was feeling terrible. He told me to come up the next day then. The next morning I told him that it would take me a good couple of hours to get ready since I'm slow from recovering from my cold. I was feeling much better. Nose was dry, had more energy and whatnot but I hadn't gotten anything done the day before because of feeling so under the weather. He gets somewhat irritated. Tells me if I'm so sick that it's going to take me 4.5 hours from the time I get up to drive to him, I shouldn't even bother, that he doesn't have time for my bullsh(t. I tell him i should be fine. I come up and feel okay, but I stay up with him that night and the lack of sleep does terribly for my immune system, i wake up the next morning shivering and with barely any energy. Stupid decision. I know.



So he is supposed to come up Friday for Christmas but now he's sick so he says he might not be coming up.

"Alone for Christmas, as usual. Great"

Me-We spent both last year and they year before together for Christmas.

"Sure, if that's what justifies doing it this year. Say what you want (Sarcasm)"

Me- not justifying anything, hon. i'm sorry you feel so terrible.

"Well I explicitly told you not to come, but you chose to do it anyways, so now I'm sick." (Dozens of people have been in my close proximity and haven't gotten my cold, who am I to predict, really?)

Me- Hon, we both wanted it. It wasn't the best decision in the long run but you said yourself it was an amazing weekend.

"If you'd only listened to me and not come up, I wouldn't be feeling this terrible."

Me- Maybe I should go.

"Sure, leave, go. It's what you are good at."

At some point, I just tell him I do have to go. It's too frustrating. He doesn't want an actual conversation, just to punish me with words for being contagious.

Could I have been more validating? Sure. Except that he really only wanted to talk so he could take it out on me verbally just how angry he is.

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[Ceruleanblue]

Wow, is this familiar. I get it to some degree by both people I live with, my daughter(non BPD), and by BPDh. They get frustrated, then they take their moods out on me. I have times when I deal with it well, but sometimes it does get old. It's harder to excuse my daughter too, as she's not BPD, but she's clearly learned this bad behavior somehow. I was raised that it's clearly not right, nor fair to take out your bad mood on someone else. I thought I'd raised my kids that way, but it clearly didn't take very well! My daughter is super smart though, so I'm hoping she'll figure out in all those psych classes she's taking, that it's really not okay to project your moods and anger onto other people.

My hopes of BPDh actually learning it are nil. I think he knows is psychologically, but actually doing anything about it, or interrupting what he's always done: project, blame, and blow up, is going to be really hard. It's not impossible, but it would take him wanting to change it, and he clearly isn't there, and may never get there.

I've been sick with an awful cold too, and wait, if BPDh gets it, it'll be my fault too! I don't even worry about stuff like that anymore. I guess I'm just so used to him blaming me, that it's almost like white noise. It's such a huge part of what he does, that I'd be way more shocked if he stopped. Plus, I don't buy into it.

I think you did pretty good not picking up the blame, or defending yourself. I think that is what they sometimes are looking for. When you don't JADE, but empathize, or at least don't invalidate them, they might still try to lay the blame, but I think it must be way less rewarding to them. 

[Notwendy]

Miz, I think you are good at recognizing that your bf will blame others for his own situation.

One situation that may help you is to encourage you to trust your own judgement. Your BF may want something, but just because he wants it does not mean you have to do it.

You were sick, and you knew that the right thing for you was to take care of yourself. It was not in your best interest to see him as soon as you felt a bit better. Even though you both wanted to see each other, what you needed was to rest.

Your bf is going to do what he wants to do, but you have to look out for you, for your well being. Perhaps the bigger lesson in this is not that he is blaming you, but that it is important for you to take care of yourself no matter what he wants.

Now he is sick and rest is what he needs. However, what he does is up to him. How about this Christmas you give yourself the gift of self care? You are still probably not 100%. Don't deny yourself rest to take care of others. Take a hot bath, rest, listen to music and do what you like to do.