In your experience, did your pwBPD generally let the mask off around only you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Mine had a fairly large circle of friends, and had known them for many years, but would complain about them to me off and on.

Their roommate's confided in me they thought my ex was no good for me, that I deserved better, and could see my ex taking advantage of me all the time.

This lead me to think that those in close, constant contact with the pwBPD catch on and see things more clearly.

What is your experience?

[movingon123]

Mine had a fairly large circle of friends, and had known them for many years, but would complain about them to me off and on.

Their roommate's confided in me they thought my ex was no good for me, that I deserved better, and could see my ex taking advantage of me all the time.

This lead me to think that those in close, constant contact with the pwBPD catch on and see things more clearly.

What is your experience?

[Thread]

So I was on this site because my diagnosed BPDh- after studying and speaking w my therapist I now realize my mother and sister are which makes sense because I've always wanted their approval and validation the same way I feel w my husband. We tend to marry people going to fix the people we want to care for us in our adolescents is what my therapist brought to my attention.

Anyway, my sister very much does the same thing. She has a lot of friends and we have a lot of mutual friends. I lived away form home from 18years old - 28. In that time my friends became closer w her. She does the same exact thing - talks a lot of shizzznit about all of them. Then I go out for a meal and guess what? I spend my whole lunch dates explaining the negative stuff she has said about me to them. How I know, because they ask me very specific questions about my life that they really wouldn't t know. Sometimes I just want to tell them the things she says because I feel so annoyed, but I never do. However they would be really hurt to know the kind of things she says about them.

My BPDH is not the same. He just doesn't have a lot of friends and the ones he does have, cut him off recently - two of them who did have a lot of major personality disorders, one addicted to substances and the other is on and off the streets and the other walked out on us when we announced our engagement. The few who remain in his life are across the ocean, but one recently did get hospitalized for cutting himself.  

[MakingMyWay]

Mine used to have a fairly large circle of friends throughout highschool. Two of them had some obvious and diagnosed mental health issues.

They ended up turning into people my ex didn't want to be around (drinking heavily, sexual impulsiveness). She felt this was them betraying her and cut them off on her own accord since it wasn't who she wanted to be around. She attempted to reconnect with them after dumping me, however I doubt it was successful.

Another very clearly saw through her mask, called her a "two face liar". That lead to that friend being cut off very quickly.

The same happened to most of her friends, they all got cut off, one reconnected briefly, some who saw through her mask tried and were ignored by her. Her only friends since then were very shallow and she hasn't talked to many of them in a long time.

So to answer your question. She never really let her mask off with anyone but me, but some who saw glimpses of her true face were very quick to call her out on it and promptly got cut off ASAP.

[Joem678]

Yes she only took the mask off with me.  Everyone always saw through the mask. She only has one friend that has stuck around that is pro am because she lives in another city. 

[Lonely_Astro]

I used to think so.  There were moments where I think she let her mask go with me.  I know I am one of the only people that knows she's BPD.  She claims to have told her parents (she's in her late 20's, btw) but I kind of doubt that now for various reasons. 

However, she is fully wearing a mask around me now.  She has said a lot of things to me about our past year r/s that she wouldn't have ever said had she not already found a new supply.  She hasn't been mean or anything like that, but she's already moved on and wearing the 'martyr' mask with me (she realizes we can't be together and her love for me is so great she has to let me go so I can be happy and not be hurt by her).  How honorable of her, you know, to let me go so she can go sleep with another guy   

Anyway, I sound bitter (because I am).  However, it is a blessing in disguise.  I dodged a bullet, for a second time.

[Michelle27]

Most of the relationship, he took the mask off only with me.  But towards the end, I think he was "cracking" more often and several friends saw it (it being several times dysregulations in front of people other than me or my kids).  The only friends he kept long term are ones who were superficial... .drinking buddies etc...  

[Welgrow]

My ex has a large circle of acquiantances and a number of friends so she says. She only introduced me to one "close" friend and to people from work and the gym. Of all the people I met it seemed that she only took off her mask around me when we were alone. She prided herself on privacy. Our issues and my pain remained extremely private. I felt very alone and was embarassed to admit things to my family and even my closest friends. After her first show of cutting herself I knew that things couldn't remain so private. I had to open up and call in all the support I could muster. She is the Silent Borderline Waif. She is very successful in her work and she also is very talented at looking good. The way she was insidiously capable of throwing me off balance and manipulating me was truly incredible. When I recount our "love story" now it seems so clear, but in the midst of everything I felt so right... .Even when things were WRONG!

[SummerStorm]

She let it off around me, her (former) best friend; her (now ex) boyfriend; and her mom. 

Her ex's friends loved her, but they only met her a handful of times and at group gatherings, where she had to behave herself. 

My mom couldn't stand her.  She worked at a mental hospital for a few years when she was younger and spotted right away that there was something off about my pwBPD. 

Most co-workers thought she was odd and immature, but they got along with her pretty well. 

She puts on an iron mask when she's with her stepsister, apparently.  That seems to be the one person with whom she never has any issues.  That being said, they don't really get to see each other that often.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mask?  What mask?

My ex hangs all of his problems out for everyone to see.  He posts about all the "abusive" women he's dated on Facebook, people unfriend him to avoid his constant posts about it, and he talks about his "whirlwind romances" and short engagements as if there is nothing wrong.  He posts on Facebook about how I am 'stalking' him and he wants a PPO against me. 

He makes no pretense of doing anything to impress anyone else, for fear of being engulfed.  He talks openly about how his fiancee was going to hold him prisoner as a sex slave and then kill him.  He's aware that this behavior offends or bothers people and he does not stop.  He refuses to capitulate to anyone else for reasons of politeness. 

Yeah, there's no mask.

[Confused?]

Mask?  What mask?

My ex hangs all of his problems out for everyone to see.  He posts about all the "abusive" women he's dated on Facebook, people unfriend him to avoid his constant posts about it, and he talks about his "whirlwind romances" and short engagements as if there is nothing wrong.  He posts on Facebook about how I am 'stalking' him and he wants a PPO against me. 

He makes no pretense of doing anything to impress anyone else, for fear of being engulfed.  He talks openly about how his fiancee was going to hold him prisoner as a sex slave and then kill him.  He's aware that this behavior offends or bothers people and he does not stop.  He refuses to capitulate to anyone else for reasons of politeness. 

Yeah, there's no mask.

Playing victim is part of the mask. The mask slips when they have real moments of shame and guilt. Posting things on Facebook saying he was abused and stalked and almost killed is exactly what the mask represents. It's the false self and it's the lying protective defense mode they hide behind. If he had his mask off he would be saying things like I destroy every relationship. I am no good at anything and all I do is hurt people.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mask?  What mask?

My ex hangs all of his problems out for everyone to see.  He posts about all the "abusive" women he's dated on Facebook, people unfriend him to avoid his constant posts about it, and he talks about his "whirlwind romances" and short engagements as if there is nothing wrong.  He posts on Facebook about how I am 'stalking' him and he wants a PPO against me. 

He makes no pretense of doing anything to impress anyone else, for fear of being engulfed.  He talks openly about how his fiancee was going to hold him prisoner as a sex slave and then kill him.  He's aware that this behavior offends or bothers people and he does not stop.  He refuses to capitulate to anyone else for reasons of politeness. 

Yeah, there's no mask.

Playing victim is part of the mask. The mask slips when they have real moments of shame and guilt. Posting things on Facebook saying he was abused and stalked and almost killed is exactly what the mask represents. It's the false self and it's the lying protective defense mode they hide behind. If he had his mask off he would be saying things like I destroy every relationship. I am no good at anything and all I do is hurt people.

Good point.  He hangs the crazy out for everyone to see, but that doesn't mean he isn't hiding something.  In that case, he only once or twice owned up to messing up his previous relationship, and only marginally.  So he didn't even let the mask off around me.  He maintained his cover stories with unwavering commitment.  He would say (somewhat uneasily) that he bore no responsibility for what happened before and could have done nothing to change it.