Letting go

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

Christmas Day is proving a bit of a struggle. I keep thinking about my BPDxbf because the hopes I had for us haven't completely died yet, but even as I am missing him, I am just so glad that I no longer have to deal with the kinds of behaviours that I continue to read about on this website. I'm still aiming for 2016 to be BPD free but making the break is difficult, even making the break from this website is proving a real hurdle for me. I feel lonely. I feel bored. I feel empty and emotional. I'm processing stuff to do with my mother (she is narcissistic but I think the source is autism) and it makes me want to run straight back to my BPDxbf who reminded me of my Dad. I always looked to my Dad for rescue and love and sanity, though I didn't always get it. It's ironic that the emotional resemblance between them is so strong since my BPDxbf isn't at all sane and has caused more problems emotionally for me than he ever solved.

Well, I had better get back to Christmas.

Sending best wishes to all of you out there for whom Christmas is also proving a difficult time.

Lifewriter x

[C.Stein]

Thankfully christmas isn't that much worse for me than any other day lately.    You are still healing, you will find yourself again.  Look to fill yourself with the things you are missing right now.  You have identified the feelings, now you need to find a good way to resolve/fullfill them for yourself ... .by yourself.   This will help you become whole again and also attract the right type of partner and relationship where you add to the whole and not try to complete the whole (if that makes any sense).  You will get there and so will I ... .eventually.  :)on't give up and keep believing in yourself.

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks C.Stein,

Look to fill yourself with the things you are missing right now.  You have identified the feelings, now you need to find a good way to resolve/fulfill them for yourself ... .by yourself.   This will help you become whole again... .

That's very good advice for 2016.

I hope yours will be a good one too.

Lifewriter x

[joel6242]

I am with you. I am ready to move on in my life and never want someone with BPD. This has been fare from the worst Christmas of my life, 2015 has been the worst year of my life but today has been nice. The sun was out and I took the dogs for a walk, getting through the day was big for me. Today I am letting go.

[Itstopsnow]

I was in my relationship 18 months. We only had one Christmas together and it wasn't good. He was pushing me away being rude, cold and indifferent. I had a much better Christmas this year. Although I'm lonely I'm not lonely for the way he would always end up treating me.  At the end he was constantly getting nasty and tantrum like. I didn't want to admit how unhappy I was. I was afraid to be alone and lose him. And now I see first hand how alone is better! I do wonder how he's doing, what he's doing and if he's happy . I'm so sure he is dating . Probably 3 or 4 maybe 5 women. I never knew him. It still is crazy to think that. But it helps me let go of the illusion , 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi joel. Hi Itstopsnow. Hi C.Stein. Did you get through without contact? From what you've posted, we are all survivors. Hopefully, we will soon become thrivers.

I managed to resist the temptation to contact my ex though I still checked to see if he'd emailed me. If I get through the festive season and New Year without contact, I think I'll be out of the danger zone. At the moment, I'm still in a vulnerable place and I need to remember that. My last breakup was at the beginning of December, so it's quite new. My BPDxbf contacted me after 6 weeks of no contact. It was just after my birthday and ostensibly to wish me 'happy birthday', yet I suspect it was Christmas approaching that motivated him to do so. Christmas is a particularly bad trigger time for him. The recycle lasted two weeks.

When we split, I didn't take him up on his offer to meet 'as friends'/to talk things through. I knew that I was more likely to be sucked back in than get closure. That was a wise decision on my part.

He had dysregulated because he mistakenly thought he wasn't going to get to see me over Christmas. I did try to circumvent the whole dysregulation by suggesting we talk diaries when we met up next and didn't text about it since it would likely trigger him, but he seemed to want to fight over something.

We had just one Christmas together and it was pretty horrible. He was ill and processing childhood pain so I was playing nurse/therapist. He has a schema called 'vulnerability to harm' (schema therapy speak), meaning that if he is ever ill, he thinks he's going to die. I found I had very little patience with him because a minor physical ailment became a life threatening illness. Indeed, my general patience with him wore pretty thin, pretty quickly during our 16 months of relationship/recycling. It made me realised that I have a big problem with co-dependency.

I fell for the illusion he painted during the run-up to our relationship. I knew him for 6 months before we started dating. I was going out with someone else and that person was treating me pretty badly (I suspect he has NPD traits). He was so supportive of me, bolstering up my shaky self-esteem. I thought he was wonderful. It was only 4 weeks into our relationship when the mask started to slip, but it took me much, much longer to realise that the mask was a pretense rather than a momentary lapse into childhood pain. I don't think my ex was the playboy type. Having said that, he was only separated from his wife, so anything could have been happening there.

It's been a real life lesson being with him. I thought I loved him. I thought I'd never get over it. I really didn't think I could get through my life without him, let alone begin to feel happy again. But, I am beginning to feel happier now I am not living with the stress of being in that relationship. Now I know how bad things can get, it's given me a benchmark to judge other relationships against. It's useful in that respect.

Happy Boxing Day, All.

Love Lifewriter

[WishIKnew82]

I feel for you. It is ridiculously hard. Even with all the hell you went through, there is that part of you that just wants to see the good and be comforted. And since he had such a impact. You want him to be the one to make it right. Even if he was the one that created it. Don't be strong. Just cry. I've learned that letting go and feeling what you are feeling is way better. When it clears up, you will feel that much stronger because of it. Still learning though and it is difficult as hell. There is no right way to do things. There is a wrong way though and that is to try to contact him. It will prove to be a failure for sure. If he is not there where you wish him to be, it will be a huge punch in the stomach. Just wait for him to contact, if ever.

Still pining for closure myself. But I am probably my own closure. He will open it. Not close.

[C.Stein]

Hi joel. Hi Itstopsnow. Hi C.Stein. Did you get through without contact?

As you probably know I have been tossing around the idea of reaching out to her for about a month.  I finally pulled the trigger on christmas eve.  I turned over the last stone.  I don't expect a response as she has by all appearances completely deleted me from her life like I never existed.   Plus, now that she knows I am well aware she likely had an emotional affair (at least) while we were still together she could never bring herself to look me in the face again.   I have come to represent all the bad within her and I have become the all to convenient scapegoat.  To interact with me at this point would be like interacting with all the bad within herself that she desperately wants to deny and avoid.

It is more than difficult to reconcile the loving and affectionate woman who used to jump into my arms when I saw her to the cold-hearted and emotionless woman who couldn't even bring herself to return my hug when we said goodbye.  I still feel attached to her even now, but it isn't as bad as it has been.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there, WishIknew82.



Thanks for your post. Yes, letting go is difficult, isn't it? I too have found that feeling my emotions is the most helpful approach and allowing myself time... .

How's your Christmas been?

Love Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Hi C.Stein.

As you probably know I have been tossing around the idea of reaching out to her for about a month.  I finally pulled the trigger on christmas eve.  I turned over the last stone.  I don't expect a response as she has by all appearances completely deleted me from her life like I never existed.

How are you feeling now you've done that?

Lifewriter x

[C.Stein]

How are you feeling now you've done that?

Not much different than what I felt before I sent it.

[Itstopsnow]

For me, I don't think he will ever reach out. Like C Stein my ex cover was totally blown with me. I found out everything! All his lies, cheating and manipulations. He hates me now. Had his mom threaten to sue me and cancelled the gym membership because he paid for a portion that I gave him money towards. After all I did for him he is still acting like a victim. I don't care at this point. I wonder about him because I'm curious. But once everything hit the fan... .I can't look at him the same. He totally shattered the image I had of him. Seeing what he is truly about! His selfish using ways, lies, double life, two faced and a huge hypocrite . There is no attribute I admire in him. There is no friendship I want from him. He didn't care about me or any of the other girls. We were all means to an end to help him avoid his feelings, and illness. If you take away the fake good times. These relationships are nothing but a waste of time and energy . The more I stay NC the better I feel. Yeah it sucks I was with this guy 18 months! Actually 20 post breakup. He was super affectionate to me. Loving the way I looked, dressed, and acted. But that is their way with everyone. Their lives are constant chaos. Work not very stable. Spending habits questionable, ability to look big picture and save  is practically zero. Maybe not all of them. But when drama comes up for anyone of them, even the high functioning ones disregulate and spiral out of control. Being alone is much better than being with that nonsense! I was so afraid to let go for so long! I thought he was my Chance at a family, and kids, little did I realize he was dragging me down with him. 2016 is looking much healthier and better possibilities . Being with a mentally ill person who is very sick and not wanting help is madness in itself!

[ZeusRLX]

If you feel lonely or bored that can be problematic.

Another cluster B personality type may exploit your inner loneliness sooner or later.

Our neediness is exploited by the disorder, ideally we want to feel whole and complete on our own. If we don't, we are vulnerable.

[C.Stein]

Like C Stein my ex cover was totally blown with me. I found out everything! All his lies, cheating and manipulations. He hates me now.

I haven't found out much at all, fortunately or not.  Most everything I know is only an educated guess from little things here and there.  Her character was seriously compromised however when she admitted to deceiving me, but more so what she said afterwards than the actual deception.   Thinking back I'm pretty sure this is when she started to devalue me, which probably had something to do with how I reacted.  I could have probably worked past that too if I didn't catch her doing the same thing two more times, albeit much smaller deceptions.  That is when I totally crashed, but still she could have brought me back if she had tried.  However, she felt she had done nothing wrong and as usual avoiding taking any responsibility and choose instead to pretend nothing ever happened and to ignore me, my feelings and the damage she had done (under the guise of "giving me space".  

It wasn't so much what she was deceiving me about but rather the fact that she was doing it at all, and I think at times without even realizing it.  It suggests this is built into her character and the fact that she will repeatedly and selfishly put her own petty needs ahead of my trust and emotional well being speaks volumes.  I would be afraid to find out the true extent of it all.  It does however shed some light on why I had so many gut instincts that she wasn't being completely honest at times.  It really is a shame because she has so much potential and good in her, to have it over shadowed by this and the other damaging behavior is just plain heart breaking because I know we could have been happy together.

[Itstopsnow]

C Stein... .I hear what you are saying and I felt the same way. That my ex had so much potential because we did have great times. But you see that is also part of their illness. They don't have s solid character or true self. All of these behaviors are part of their survival skills. Good, bad, and the lies and deceptions, as well as manipulations. Nothing ever could of really worked with them. If they are really deep into their disorder. Part of it becomes so second nature to them, and living this way so long they don't recognize it being wrong, or terrible. They push that blame onto us. Once you realize their was nothing that really could of saved this relationship except for A miracle from God or their willingness to get real. And both seem unlikely. You did nothing wrong except get involved with a deeply mentally ill person. Superficially they can function but underneath it all they are a train wreck . You'll always be a causality of their behaviors. The more you see it for what it was the faster you will heal. Everything was manufactured. They will treat the next one as good as they treated you , they will bond on the levels you thought were special and they will devalue and cheat and lie and hurt them too. This is who they are. I don't hate my ex. I don't want to be friends though either. I just look at him now as a very sick broken man. And I'm glad I don't have to live that way or suffer because his life is out of control. There are plenty of healthy people out here that would never even think to do something like this to another human being. You'll find that when you get back out there how your feelings and perceptions of her will change