I guess I'm just an idiot

[20yearslater]

Hi everyone,

More than three years after I last posted on this board about my uBPDmil, I can't believe I'm back to talk about DH. I'd foolishly thought that if we could just get MIL under control, everything would be rosy. Well, we finally did (involuntary 72-hour psych eval resulting in diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia -- not really, but close enough -- and dementia, followed by a move to memory care and a whole lot of anti-psychotics), but the rosy never happened. Instead, it's become increasingly clear that DH has BPD as well.

I feel like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. But our finances have been in free-fall for years, which he blamed on the constant interference and abuse from MIL, and that made DH panic. I thought his emotionality was a product of our financial instability. I'm now inclined to believe that the financial instability is a product of his emotionality.

The turning point came two days before Thanksgiving, when I found a string of texts between him and my former best friend that made clear their business relationship involves a whole lot more than business -- and it has for at least a year. This isn't the first time with them. It happened 10 years ago, and I'd told him that the only thing I

asked for in our relationship (and I don't ask for a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g) was that he cut off communication with her. He said he couldn't because they have business together, but that he would keep things strictly professional. Yeah. Not so much.

So ... .This holiday season has been a struggle, to say the least. Particularly since I've been trying to keep up a happy facade for our two teenagers.

When I confronted DH about the affair, he lied about it, downplayed it, blah, blah, blah. I told him I'm turning 50 next month and I'm ready to be with someone who thinks I'm spectacular. Because I *am* pretty spectacular. And apparently, based on the way he has treated me for the past 27 years, he doesn't think I am. So he needs to choose who he wants to be with. And if it's her, fine. He's free to go. No obligation, guilt, recrimination or anything. Really. Let's just move forward with our lives. He *swore* he was committed to me and the marriage. Took me out to dinner. Held both my hands in his, looked deep into my eyes, and pledged his eternal devotion. Then the next morning he headed "out of town on business" and drove to her house. Where he stayed for 5 hours.

Confrontation #2. More lying and denying. Until I told him where his car was parked and for how long. Then he said he'd gone to break it off. (Which I didn't believe. And subsequent texts between the two have confirmed that.) That's when I said he needed to figure out why, from the day we started dating, he has been having clandestine conversations with a woman who wants him to herself, views me as a threat, and consistently undermines me and our marriage. For the first 15 years, it was his mother. Then, the minute he removed her from his life, he switched to this one.

That's when the idea of BPD came up. Our teenaged daughter has always reminded me of MIL and recently developed an eating disorder. I had been looking into whether a person can be genetically predisposed to BPD (in short, yes), and as I re-read descriptions of the behaviors and shared them with DH, we both had an a-ha moment.

So here's where things get tricky for me.

DH is an extremely rational person in a lot of ways. He *hated* his mother's BPD behavior, and he has always been open to and interested in self-improvement. Now that he has realized what a horrible emotional roller coaster he lives on, he is actually eager (or says he is) to get treatment. We made some inquiries with BPD specialists last week, but everyone's off for the holidays, so we're going to have to wait. But DH keeps insisting and acting like he's fully committed to treatment and saving the marriage. 

At the same time, he continues to lie to me. Big time. I told him if I was going to stay, I needed five things from him to feel safe: Treatment for him, couples counseling, all the password information for all of his credit cards and bank accounts (he has punished me financially before) and modes of communication, immediate break-off with the girlfriend, and TOTAL honesty and openness from now on. He pledged to give me all of them. But he has continued to communicate with her (says he's waiting until after Christmas so he won't hurt her feelings. Because I don't have feelings, apparently). He hasn't given me any passwords, has changed the ones I was able to guess, and has gone underground with his communications with her. When I got the name of a couples therapist, he said he didn't think we needed it because we do such a good job of talking things out on our own.

And, not to be petty, but he didn't even give me a Christmas present this morning. Two weeks after my discovery of horrifying, stomach-turning texts between him and my former best friend, in which I am villified like you can't even believe (their nickname for me is "Reaper." As in "the Grim.". No flowers. No candy. No Christmas present. No nothing.

So. I'm trying really hard not to be swayed by all the sweet talk. I'm trying to focus on actions. And the actions aren't good. He's been more attentive and more affectionate. But then he says things like this to one of his close female friends via text, when she asks what he'll be having for Christmas dinner:

DH: We're not having Christmas dinner. We'll go out for Chinese food.

Friend:  Why not?

DH: I don't know why. I wish we were. Who makes these decisions? 20yearslater, I guess.

Friend:  God Almighty.

Um. I'm making filet mignon with garlic smashed potatoes and sauteed baby spinach tonight. We're taking his parents to Chinese for *lunch.* I will also be making a full reproduction of our Thanksgiving meal tomorrow night -- our son's request for his birthday dinner. So, yeah. His texts to friends and the girlfriend are riddled with distortions like this. And I'm pretty sure they have been since the day we got together. Everybody in his life thinks I'm some kind of witch. And everybody in *my* life thinks I'm lovely. (Not that there are that many people left in my life, since I started whittling away everything that distracted me from tending to DH.)

So after all the background, here's my dilemma. If we didn't have kids, I'm pretty sure I would split. I have a lot of love for DH, but I don't know what's truth and what's fiction, and I don't feel that I have been cared for at all in this marriage. Not in a single way, emotionally speaking. We haven't had sex for 11 years (his choice, not mine. He says it's ED. Who knows). He not only doesn't protect me from being hurt by other people, he actually demonizes me to them. He has allowed me to be the target of people's hatred for more than a quarter of a century. Not only allowed ... .he stokes it.

But. Our daughter already has some BPD behaviors and I'm pretty sure that a divorce would send her over an edge from which she might not return. She has *huge* anxiety, and terrible fear of abandonment. She has made me promise repeatedly over the years never to divorce her dad. And she's always terrified that I'm going to die. So leaving is not something I can do lightly.

I also wonder if this is indeed just BPD behavior on DH's part and that it can be improved through treatment. He was *horribly* abused as a child. I get how much that has damaged him and his ability (or lack thereof) to maintain stable relationships. But then I wonder if I'm just being conned again.

I guess that's my question. Can this be addressed with treatment? How long will it take? And do I have enough energy left - after 27 years of being a human punching bag and 17 years of protecting my kids from all of this (and I have, which is kind of amazing) - to stick around for the next step? I desperately want *someone* in my life who thinks of me first every now and then. Who actually finds me desirable (I'm cute. Really). And who praises me to others, rather than telling lies that make me sound like a monster.

I genuinely don't know what to do. Help? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[hope2727]

Hi,

I am so sorry you are enduring all this. I can only imagine how gut wrenching it must be. I don't know what the best line of action is for you but I can tell you this.

1) My mom left my dad after 30+ years of marriage and 5 kids. It was THE BEST thing she could have done for us. I was a teenager at the time. Kids aren't stupid and they sense the conflict no matter how hard you try to keep it happy.

2) You are TOTALLY worthy and deserving of a healthy happy relationship. Cheating, lying, financial abuse, stonewalling, etc are not part of that. Abuse is abuse is abuse. This is the best website I have found on the subject. Its a little cumbersome but well worth the read and exploring.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/apologies.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/The_Con/minimization.html

3) You have different core values from him. Period. Core values are formed early in life and VERY difficult to change. Giving him more time will not change that. More time for what? To realize you are awesome? To understand he is hurting you? Core values are just that ... .formed at the core of our being.

4) You and he are teaching those lovely children how to treat others and how to be treated. I am so glad my mom left my dad. She taught me to be strong and empathetic. Yet I still married an NPD man (12 years until the divorce) and became engaged later to a BPD man. I am still learning but man oh man I wish I had learned those lessons earlier. I would NEVER want anyone to be treated the way I (we) have been. All of the 5 siblings in my family have some NPD and BPD traits. The 2 youngest that left with my mom have the least. Was it tough? Yes. Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! The sooner your daughter gets a capable counsellor and away from a horrible example of adult behaviour the better.

Ok rant over. I feel your suffering as I read your words. Stay if you want but be ready to accept that thesis who he is. Who he will always likely be. There is always an external cause for their behaviour according to them. In reality we all know right from wrong. I will be think ing of you and your family this holiday season. I hope you find some peace.     

[20yearslater]

Thank you so much for the kind words, hope2727. You've given me a lot to think about. I really hadn't thought about it in terms of abuse, if you can believe that. Talk about living in a fog!

My daughter recently started working with a wonderful therapist who has a lot of experience with eating disorders, anxiety, and even some borderline. They will be doing CBT, so you're right. She'll be learning the skills she needs to handle her emotions and fear of abandonment. And she'll have great support from the therapist -- who she loves -- if her dad and I do split up.

I've been carrying the whole burden of absorbing my husband's rage and resentment to protect the kids. And I've been incredibly successful. But it's crushing me. And you know, it's not really my job. I need to let my daughter learn what to do when emotions overpower her. Because I'm certainly not going to be able to follow her through life protecting her from every little upset. I've done that with DH for 27 years, and it hasn't worked for either of us.

Anyway, thanks for the support. My focus right now is on taking care of myself: rebuilding the social network I had allowed to collapse, exploring options for my future, finding a therapist! I'll keep an eye on what DH is doing, but I need genuine love from *someone* on this planet, and if that person is me right now, fine. Time to stop looking for it from him.

Thanks!

[waverider]

Sometimes pwBPD can only find stability when part of a DRAMA TRIANGLE. This has been their "normal". As such they will always seek to involve thgird party in triangulation so that they always have both a "persecutor" and a "rescuer" on hand. This means they validate themselves as 'victim"

It is one of the reasons they struggle to step away from dysfunctional family interactions. If they do, they ultimately rebuild this toxic dynamic elsewhere.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello 20yearslater. Hugs to you.  I would dare to say that you are not an idiot!  I can relate to much of your story.  It was easy for me to get caught up in the drama and chaos that always seemed to follow my UBPDH.  Much time can pass just jumping from one crisis to another.  I can attest that "tending to your husband" is very isolating.  I too, have failed to maintain my own relationships that are supportive of me.

For about a year, I have been working with a therapist to unravel the problems, tendencies in my own self that have gotten me to this point.  It has been hard work, but rewarding to work on myself, to put the focus on me.


I know your pain, I am sorry you are in this tough spot.  It sounds like you are coming out of the FOG.  Don't give up... .keep searching for ways to get better for yourself and your children.

I am glad you posted your story.  i know you will find help and support here.This site has been immensely helpful to me.  I have learned a lot and felt supported in the darkest of times.

[hope2727]

Sorry hun I also meant to say you are not an idiot. You are a sincere caring individual who wants a happy healthy family. There are some great sites on personality disorders. This one is my favourite but that abuse one is excellent. I had never though of my experiences as abuse until I read the site top to bottom. I hope it can help you a little. Some of my favourite pats are the ones on waiting for change

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/waiting_for_change.html

Deflection

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/other_focus.html

Stonewalling

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/stonewalling.html

and victim role

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/victim_role.html


Anyway some other resources are Out of the fog

www.outofthefog.website/home

And this site on narcissism.

www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Difficult_Styles/narcissism_interpersonal.html


I hope they help you with your daughter and to find your centre of gravity again. I know its brutal to live under those conditions and the slow endless drip of the situation can wear you to a nub. I am glad you are posting here and hope you explore the tools on this web site to help improve your situation.

Hugs