Reality vs. fantasy

[Itstopsnow]

Merry Christmas everyone! I am hoping someone can relate to me and give me some advise. I have had NC since Nov. 11th. And for the most part I feel tons better! No more back and fourth walking on eggshells. No more of his rages, and rejections or put downs. No more pretending he was actual a good boyfriend or even person. I'm saving a lot of money as I paid so much for this waif BPD who still would manage to rage at me up in my face . I still struggle with all he did at times. It is mind blowing to me! The serial cheating he hid all this time. And the fake religious belief system that really messed with my head. I do remind myself, he is very sick, his whole life is affected by this serious mental illness and he doesn't acknowledge it. The family pretends it's not there and none of that is my problem anymore! I'm so relieved I don't have to take care of him, help him out or worry. I actually am repulsed by him when I used to be so physically attracted to him. His soul and actions makes him ugly now. I still sometimes feel bad about me. It is so hard because their was so much abuse in many ways. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before. He was also very vindictive at the end acting as if he was the victim . How do I stop thoughts of him. Again I know I'm better off, not one bit of me longs to see him. Even thinking of him coming to take ownership of what he did. (Which he never would) that seems to exhausting to me. I don't even want to hear what he would say. It's all a lie. Who he truly turned out to be isn't someone I'd want in my life in any capacity. There's nothing redeemable about his character. Because even when he's nice there is always a motive to why . These people should get help. The reason they feel so much core shame is because they are bad people. And they don't have to be if they sought help.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Itstopsnow,

Happy Christmas to you.

There's a saying I've heard: "What we resist, persists". I'm wondering whether that also applies to our thoughts. In the world of meditation, it is suggested that we watch our thoughts without getting attached to them or emotionally involved in them. Perhaps you could just allow yourself to have those thoughts. Perhaps they are significant, perhaps they are not. Perhaps writing them down so you can reflect on them would help. Perhaps setting aside a time each day when you give yourself permission to think those thoughts would ease your stress over the presence of these thoughts, i.e. to say to yourself, I will think about my ex for 20 mins at such and such a time each day and then get back to the real business of life. Perhaps there's nothing wrong in allowing yourself those thoughts until the need for them goes? What do you think?

Lifewriter x

[joel6242]

I have been NC about as long as you and I can totally relate to what you have written. My life is a million percent better. I have a great job offer in Houston and Tampa and will have a new life in 2016. I am alone this Christmas and want to be sad but can not. So many good things have happened. I have the two dogs from the relationship and I have a nice house. The best part about this Christmas is that I will not loose any of this.

Also, I talked to my attorney and it looks like my case my be dismissed. My exBPD liked to have me arrested on false charges. There has been so much good. I have a permanent order of protection and he can not own a gun. That is my biggest fear. My only advice is to say it is over and find a new life with someone who will not do this to you.

Today the sun is shining and the little dogs are happy. It is truly a start to a new life. I am choosing to let go today.

[Itstopsnow]

That's really good advise! Thank you! I know you're right.,I guess it's the part that never got closure, never got to face him, and I'm sure on some level besides this hurt I am still feeling a part that cared about him still lingers. That won't let go all at once. Although I don't care anymore. I did very much. I feel ready to start dating after the new year. I took a few months off and I'll go slow. I'm doing two volunteer jobs. Hospice and a pregnancy center. So I feel I can maybe get the rest of the thoughts of him out once I make new memories with new people. Thank you Again

[Lonely_Astro]

Merry Christmas everyone! I am hoping someone can relate to me and give me some advise. I have had NC since Nov. 11th. And for the most part I feel tons better! No more back and fourth walking on eggshells. No more of his rages, and rejections or put downs. No more pretending he was actual a good boyfriend or even person. I'm saving a lot of money as I paid so much for this waif BPD who still would manage to rage at me up in my face . I still struggle with all he did at times. It is mind blowing to me! The serial cheating he hid all this time. And the fake religious belief system that really messed with my head. I do remind myself, he is very sick, his whole life is affected by this serious mental illness and he doesn't acknowledge it. The family pretends it's not there and none of that is my problem anymore! I'm so relieved I don't have to take care of him, help him out or worry. I actually am repulsed by him when I used to be so physically attracted to him. His soul and actions makes him ugly now. I still sometimes feel bad about me. It is so hard because their was so much abuse in many ways. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before. He was also very vindictive at the end acting as if he was the victim . How do I stop thoughts of him. Again I know I'm better off, not one bit of me longs to see him. Even thinking of him coming to take ownership of what he did. (Which he never would) that seems to exhausting to me. I don't even want to hear what he would say. It's all a lie. Who he truly turned out to be isn't someone I'd want in my life in any capacity. There's nothing redeemable about his character. Because even when he's nice there is always a motive to why . These people should get help. The reason they feel so much core shame is because they are bad people. And they don't have to be if they sought help.

4 years ago when my ex and I broke up after a very whirlwind r/s, I was consumed by thoughts of her.  I went to therapy where I worked through a lot of things and gradually thoughts of her tapered off until I rarely thought of her.  I worked with her, so I saw her several times a week.  At first, it was very painful to see her.  As time passed, I was able to see her but still felt hurt by how it had all went down between us.  Besides work (when I had to), I was completely NC with her.  We both moved on with our lives.

3 years later, we reconnected.  At first, we would talk in passing on occasion but that led to talking more and more and we became friends.  That led to a second round of being in a romantic r/s with her.  Let me tell you from first hand experience, them taking ownership of what they had done seems great, on its face.  I thought she was managed, grounded.  That was the appearance, the fantasy.  She told me she was medicated and had went through "intensive therapy" to manage her BPD.  She seemed in a much better place than when I had known her 3 years ago.  She took ownership and responsibility for what she had done back then.  It lifted my heart to hear her being so mature, so aware of how she is (and what she's capable of).

We had a relationship for a year after that.  It was full of drama, at best.  Little things started popping up, which led to a snowball at the end.  In October she started distancing me (using ST, breaking promises, etc).  As of mid-December, while we were still in r/s limbo, I took a gamble and accused her of dating someone.  Turns out, I was right.  She thought I had heard about it, so she "came clean".  This comes after a month long dating of another guy in July as well.  Oh, I should mention she also started DBT (by her claims, anyway) in September after the July incident.

My point is, them owning up to anything and even if they have sought help doesn't guarantee anything.  Frankly, if she was/is serious about getting help and "getting better", she shouldn't be in any r/s right now but that's not stopping her.  When I was asking her about the newest guy (R), she wouldn't admit to being in a r/s with him but would just only go as far as saying he's a "great guy but we aren't together like that".  She also hasn't been honest with him that she had a guy in r/s limbo while dating and ran him down while she was talking to me.  Where I'm going with that is I saw just how selfish she really is.  She was playing me most of this year between her (alleged soon to be) ex husband (M), the guy in July (B) and now the newest guy (R).  All of this while she was/is medicated and (most recently) in DBT.

J (my ex) is extremely high functioning.  This is a bad indication that DBT, if she's actually going, isn't going to be effective for her.  Plus, she is fully aware of the hurt she causes people, but she refuses to stop.  While I understand that's BPD, I liken it to a sociopath at this point.  I'm not saying she couldn't surprise me, but statistics aren't on my side for her chance of success.  Something to look into is what's called trauma bonding.  From what you've written, it sounds like that's what you're experiencing (and so am I).  J is a horrible person at her core.  She likes to paint herself as a selfless, generous, deep caring soul with a heart of gold.  The truth is, she is none of those things.  Do I still think of her often?  Yes.  Do I miss her (at least the version of her I knew)?  Yes.  Why?  Because of the trauma bond.  Really, there is no other reason.  My rescuer complex played a huge part in why I stuck around.  I told myself at the first sight of something being off, I'd leave.  Of course, I didn't.  She always had an excuse, yet deep down I knew I'd never fully trust her.  It turns out my gut was right to not do so.  I know I'll be better in a few weeks/months, but that doesnt make my craving for her any less.  It's like heroin and nitroglycerin... .I know it's bad for me and I know it's going to blow up, but I still want it.

Treat yourself well, know you aren't alone in your struggle, and Merry Christmas!

[Itstopsnow]

I can totally relate to all your feelings! I'm kinda caught between relief and excitement knowing I'm not the sick demented behaviors. All the verbal abuse about me being stupid or less than with a bad temper. All of this was his flaws. I'm done being sad too!  These are his short comings! I am not going to have sadness thinking about him due to his careless, selfish ways. I can move forward and be ok. Even better than before, he'll just keep his life in free fall. Debt, lies, changing jobs, acting out . I don't even have to wish misery on his life. He will do it all to himself regardless. Anyone with them will go down too. I don't envy any girl he dates. I'm so glad I'm here! Thought process but I just wish now I could release any drop of it. I guess it was a long term relationship and that takes time. But at the same time dating him seems like a lifetime ago already! When I think of him I struggle to remember good times when I used to see before . Although it was a lie. I bought it

[Lonely_Astro]

I can totally relate to all your feelings! I'm kinda caught between relief and excitement knowing I'm not the sick demented behaviors. All the verbal abuse about me being stupid or less than with a bad temper. All of this was his flaws. I'm done being sad too!  These are his short comings! I am not going to have sadness thinking about him due to his careless, selfish ways. I can move forward and be ok. Even better than before, he'll just keep his life in free fall. Debt, lies, changing jobs, acting out . I don't even have to wish misery on his life. He will do it all to himself regardless. Anyone with them will go down too. I don't envy any girl he dates. I'm so glad I'm here! Thought process but I just wish now I could release any drop of it. I guess it was a long term relationship and that takes time. But at the same time dating him seems like a lifetime ago already! When I think of him I struggle to remember good times when I used to see before . Although it was a lie. I bought it

J is an inward rage type.  She never ran me down (to my face) or anything like that.  She would often run herself down to me.  But, what I would come to find out later was that she was 'listening' to others that knew about our clandestine r/s and they were saying bad things about me.  J claims that she "got into her own head" about those things that were said and that's when she lost her 'feelings' for me.  Is that true?  I have no idea.  Even if it were true, she chose to listen to others over talking to me about whatever those 'bad' things were.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint, but I am no where near as bad as she is, so frankly I don't care what anyone said or didn't say about me.  I can't for sure take her word on anyone saying anything, J got to the point where she would ST me solely based on a dream or conversation she had in her own head (detached reality, if you will).  Once she ignored me for 2 days because she dreamt I had slept with a friend of hers that I had met once (J introduced us in passing).  Apparently my pleasant conversation with said friend set J off in her mind.

The end, for me, came awhile back and I just floated LC until I was ready to let go.  How it sort of happened for me was after finding out about R and how J blamed me (in a round about way) for it, just like she did in July when she was dating B.  Once again, it was my fault she had cheated.  She refused to face the fact that she chose to do it.  J also was always upset because I held her accountable for whatever action, she may be mentally ill but she still knows 'right' from 'wrong'.  She just didn't like the fact that she had to take responsibility for certain things.

In one of our last conversations she was alluding to us staying together and she said "I can't and won't make you any promises.  I want you to stay with me, but you need to do what's best for you.  You don't deserve to be hurt."  I took that as "I'm going to do whatever I want, with whoever I want, whenever I want and I expect you to sit in the corner like a good dog until I'm ready to throw you some affection.  If you don't like it, you can leave, but I'll blame that on you because you really need to do what's best for me; I'm all that matters."

Screw that.

[Welgrow]

Hey Guys,

It's really good for me to hear that none of this stuff gets better with another try. In my head I could convince myself that the temporary relief of trying again with her could stop my current pain. It will stop it temporary, only to intensify it later. It breaks my heart to think that she doesn't really feel the things she said to me. It's better to have a broken heart with a chance to look at myself and heal old childhood wounds than to stick my head in the sand and pretend she's something that she's not. Last night was hard but today is better, and today is my 13th day since I responded to any of her attempts and the 3rd day since I blocked her number (except for last night when I unblocked her number for about half an hour).

[Lifewriter16]

It really doesn't get better with another try. I've had eight recycles now and things have been dreadful despite my BPDxbf having gone through a drug and alcohol programme, 6 months DBT and 2 years Schema therapy. His life is better because he no longer self-harms or makes suicide attempts, but his relationship skills are zero and mine aren't much better. It takes a lot of therapy to turn these relationships around and I think we would only have had a chance had we both been in therapy whilst we were dating. Even so, I don't rate our chances at all. I blamed myself for my relationship failing. I thought that if only I'd approached the whole thing better, it would have worked out, but I think my blaming myself was just a way of avoiding the emotional work of letting go of a relationship that clearly wasn't working.

Lifewriter x

[Lonely_Astro]

It really doesn't get better with another try. I've had eight recycles now and things have been dreadful despite my BPDxbf having gone through a drug and alcohol programme, 6 months DBT and 2 years Schema therapy. His life is better because he no longer self-harms or makes suicide attempts, but his relationship skills are zero and mine aren't much better. It takes a lot of therapy to turn these relationships around and I think we would only have had a chance had we both been in therapy whilst we were dating. Even so, I don't rate our chances at all. I blamed myself for my relationship failing. I thought that if only I'd approached the whole thing better, it would have worked out, but I think my blaming myself was just a way of avoiding the emotional work of letting go of a relationship that clearly wasn't working.

Lifewriter x

Life,

Don't blame yourself.  It takes 2 to tango.  There is nothing that you could've done, no approach you could've made that would've changed the outcome you received.  BPD r/s are pretty much doomed to fail (yes, I understand a few 'recover' from BPD with meds/therapy, but that is by far the exception to the rule, not the norm).  No matter how you want to skew it, you are not at fault for what happened.

I know we're just strangers on the internet, but that's my .02 worth.