BPD Mom + MIL at Xmas

[tick.tock]

Hi all,

Back again this Christmas season for some life advice!

For the past two years, I've been in a relationship with a great guy. Now we live together. Funnily enough, one of the things that originally bonded us is the fact that our mothers have BPD. My mom is uBPD, but his mother is diagnosed; that said, neither is in therapy or on medication.

My boyfriend's family lives on the other side of the country. This is not an accident. His mother oscillates between a Waif and a Witch. My mother is rather high-functioning but still acts like a Queen (or a Witch on her worse days). She lives a few hours away from us, so we see her more often, but only for short stretches of time because that's all I can stand.

This Christmas, for whatever stupid reason, we decided to blend our families for the holiday: his mom and sister, my mom and en-stepdad in my parents' house. It's not a total disaster, but it's certainly had its rough patches. In what could be called a silver lining, the two women have yet to fight each other. However, my boyfriend and I have been feeling it on all sides. If one parent rages, the other parent has 0 sympathy (even going so far as to guilt us for even feeling attacked). I think they sense similarities in each other, even though they would never admit (or even dream) that it's BPD.

I'm wondering how to proceed as far as holidays go. Do any of you have insight? I know there can be no perfect outcome, but I'd like to maintain a bit more of my sanity next year. Do any of you host your BPD family members? Is it an "easier" experience than being in the home of one of them? All experiences/stories are appreciated! Merry Christmas!

[GeekyGirl]

Hi tick.tock! It sounds like you've weathered the storm pretty well so far. I've always found it easier to go to my mother than to have her in my house for long periods of time, personally. If you visit, you have a little more freedom to come and go. That's just my take, though. I could also see how being in someone else's house might be more stressful for some. It really comes down to what makes you more comfortable.

Another thing that DH and I have done is split the holidays and spend one (Thanksgiving) with his relatives and the other (Christmas) with mine. Again, that doesn't work for everyone, but it has helped us. I've also tried to set up activities (like movies and outings) to keep folks busy and less likely to sit in tight quarters for long periods of time.

Hang in there! Hopefully everyone will keep the peace for a little longer.