How do I know my ex has BPD?

[Jdoll71]

Over a month ago my fiancé decided to end our relationship. We were together for over 10 years and have a child together. I thought we were happy together but he told me he wasn't even though he knows he should be because he said I'm amazing and we're great together. I'm trying to make sense of everything that has happened and want to know if perhaps my ex has BPD. He said he's been depressed, feels empty and lost, has had thoughts of suicide, extreme hatred of himself, put me on a pedestal but now it's like he hates me. Told me he's self destructing with drugs and alcohol (told me he was using cocaine but quit, which I don't know if that's true as he lies) he makes a lot of money but spends it impulsively, he drives drunk, he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had, including me, he's a bit antisocial, only has a few friends. I think he's always been like this, even before I met him. I am completely devastated that the man I loved and thought loved me could just "throw" me away and I guess I'm looking for a reason other than it was me. He says he still loves and misses me but I'm pretty sure there is someone else. He's moved out of the house we just bought a few years ago and wants to sell.  Will he be happy now? Or will he just keep repeating the pattern? Will he try to come back?

[Welgrow]

Hey, I've been going through the questioning and research phase of my journey, and I can relate to your question. It sounds to me like your ex has traits that are associated with BPD. I believe they currently diagnose BPD when 5 of the 9 symptoms are present. In our case my former girlfriend had all 9 to some extent, yet I still find myself questioning and second guessing my decision to leave. I'm realizing that I am going through a grieving process for the loss of our relationship, our/my dreams, and really the loss of the person I thought/believed that she was. Someone asked me if she treated me the way she did when she cheated, lied, stole, and raged would it matter whether she has BPD or not. Do I deserve to be treated that way? I don't, and it sounds like you don't deserve it either. I understand the questioning because I'm still doing it, if nothing else than to make sense of it all. Much love, and keep progressing.

[Herodias]

I am so sorry for you... .your story sounds so much like mine, minus a child and we were married. All I can say is that once they are done with you, there is not much chance of going back unless they give up all of the bad behavior and get help. There is a slim chance they will do it. Focus on you and figure out what behavior you put up with and why. Yes, they repeat patterns. Mine is doing it almost exactly the same as ours with someone else. Is he happy? No, not at all. I am curious how your was with your child. Is it his child or from a previous relationship? Take care of the two of you and know if you go back, there will be hell to pay. For every time you take them back, they respect you less. I have seen this happen in my r/s and others have agreed. Learn all you can... .it's hard to put an exact diagnosis on a person... .you will know better than some. They can be what's called co-morbid with other personalities. Just know, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference, it's all bad when untreated.

[Jdoll71]

The child is ours together. When we were together he was a good dad but would sometimes lose his patience with her. He would do things with her or we would do things as a family but really would rather go out and drink with his buddies. Now since we broke up, he barely contacts her even though he can call or text her on her iPad. I kind of feel like he's trying too hard now when he does see her but I know he doesn't want to be tied down according to his mom so then I can see him "buying"her. He basically left me so he could go out and do whatever he wants with whoever he wants.  I'm worried that he'll also try to use our child to somehow "hurt" me even though I'm not the one who cheated and left. He's definitely not the person I thought he was but I know he can be vindictive. We broke up twice before but it was me who broke up with him after finding out he cheated, but then I always took him back. I know I could never go back to someone like him, as much as I love him. I'd love him to come back though just so I can tell him no