Rollercoaster w husband and emotionally drained w 4 little ones

[Alyn1990]

I believe that my SO has BPD. We have been together since I was 16 years old and he was 18. We had kids young and have been together for 9 years (Kids are 8,6,3,2). We have been on and off separated countless times due to anger, miscommunication. For a long time I attempted staying home with the kids, but the stress of bills and the inconsistency w jobs took a huge toll. He would lose or quit jobs left and right. I got a job for the hospital and I go to school. He began to drink early in the morning, multiple drinks a day, would say crazy things. Hates cops, Christians, and a lot of issues w family members. Recently we had a huge break up. The reason was because he was calling me racist, telling me the kids and I deserved better and he hates himself, denounced Jesus, said if he was real for Him to kill him now, yelling saying his family hated him because of me, said he was at his job at a doctors office and since im white I have references and it so f ed up that he doesn't because he did more than I ever have for my job etc. In June, he left from PA to SC then FLA. He got into it with his sister in SC so went on his own and was living in his car. He would call apologize saying he is sorry that he drank too much etc. but he always would drink say off the wall things and think nothing of it. I told him I started making friends with guys (in all 9 years I had zero friends that were guys, no long hugs, kisses, anything while "separated". I really wanted us to work. I then started to think their was no way out for us.  He called repeatedly, first so upset then angry, then upset then angry,When he realized someone from the church was asking about me. (he found out through his friend that worked w someone through the church) then became suicidal at one point. He drank windex and he passed out while we were on the phone I was crying and scared. I didn't want him to die.  He said he couldn't live without his kids. His family, he misses us so much. He always talked about moving somewhere warmer because he felt like he couldn't live somewhere cold, work, and be happy. He said he was there but couldn't be happy. So he drove back up (October). He instantly got on anti-depressants, seemed to be much happier, church every Sunday w me, He was around a lot more then we started being together again. He was really wanting to be sober, but started smoking weed and drinking more again not as much but still drinking.  I'm constantly worrying because he cant afford his car payment, needs his car registered, owes fines, running out of gas, and his car battery keeps dying. The kids and I need to go out and start his car or give him gas etc. I have $10 until pay day on Thursday. I did have more, but he needed it. Today he was suppose to work for this guy an hour away and he didn't show up he normally pays that day. That is why he ran out of gas, but I feel its never ending. Always something. I bought a gas can because last time I didn't have the right thing it spilled all over my car. He was complaining why I got a gas can if I didn't have the money etc, I am so worked up because of the bills and I wonder if we will ever get out of this situation, the heat in my car isn't working and I think to myself after driving away from giving him the gas if he would ever even be able to care to want to help get that fixed for us because he is involved with himself and his situation all of the time. My dad is there for me a lot and we got into a fight saying if my parents weren't around at all it would be better. We were talking about his mom getting older and his dad passing away. I feel like my mom has come to my rescue a few times to help pay for insurance for my car or food on the table even if it was only a couple packages of chicken breast, or my dad would be there to pick up the kids if one was sick or what not. I understand cleaving to your spouse but when we were without any of my family around in the past I was homeless w my youngest living with someone from the church. I was crying today and he got so angry saying I'm not going bring him down with my depression. The past week he has been against Christmas and not wanting to celebrate it ever again. He explains the history behind Christmas is negative and not even about God which is fine, but a lot of the holidays mean a lot to me because it wasn't that big of a deal growing up and I wanted that for the kids. The past couple of days he has been in his car in the garage while I am with the kids because we would get into a quarrel. Continuing on from today he made dinner and was cussing under his breath the whole time then speaking real loud to the baby saying stuff about woman this and that, watch me get kicked out again, I don't give a f I been did it how many times, goes on for 20+ mins. I have been silent I was in the room w my oldest... .then I come out saying I'm upset am I not allowed to have feelings this is stressful, he said he will never ask me for anything ever again. He always talks about having someone who loves unconditionally etc. I'm just so tired he was leaving but I told him we aren't healthy for each other but for him not to sleep outside for us to figure this all out but I'm so so so tired. I don't want to be 40 years old wishing I did stuff different.

[Mutt]

Hi Alyn1990,



I'm sorry you and the kids are going through all of this. A relationship with someone a partner BPD can be emotionally and mentally exhausting with the emotional roller-coaster. It sounds like your parents are helping out. Do you have someone to talk to? Do you find time to have a but if a break? How are the kids doing?