Just learned about BPD

[AllHeartMDG]

I've been in a three year relationship with a man who has severe BPD, as well as several co-morbidities. After researching extensively and having weekly therapy for seven months, I realize that I've done everything wrong in terms of dealing with this relationship. I'd like to try one last time, but I'm afraid it won't work and that I can't do it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ProKonig]

Well, if you are giving it a go, it's just a case of trying out the things you read on here! I've had success with some, no so much with others. Sometimes I feel I just need more practise and to be stronger at dealing with it and respect myself more. Using this stuff won't be an instant fix, but it's a good start!

Sorry things are tough for you, we're all here to help in anyway we can. Good luck!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi AllHeartMDG, 

Welcome aboard. You have come to the right place for help and support.  The tools and lessons on the site are awesome. The right side of the page will help you get started.

Don't be so hard on yourself.    The behavior can be really frustrating and confusing for even the most seasoned person. I think I can safely say that the majority of us "made things worse" by not understanding the behavior or learning tools in the beginning.

I understand how you can feel afraid and worried that you cannot do it.  I felt like that often too.  What makes you feel that you cannot do it?

I can imagine that it must be difficult coping with the behavior of extreme BPD with other comorbidities.  What other disorders is he diagnosed with?

Looking forward to reading  your response.

[AllHeartMDG]

 

He has PTSD and depression, possibly bi-polar. He is an alcoholic as well. I'm not sure that I can do this because he is so angry with me and I'm really exhausted. I feel like I've been in almost constant battle for our entire relationship, especially the last two years. He exhibits every symptom of BPD, and it seems he's always having a problem. I'd ended the relationship after catching him cheating- AGAIN. After around six weeks of NC on either side, his cousin contacted me and said his father was dying. Of course, I called him. He was ridiculously rude and said he didn't know where his cousin got that information because it was untrue. We talked for two and a half hours about nothing and his anger. That's been six weeks ago, and he is still "punishing" me by being angry, distant, and doing the whole push-pull. I'm frustrated and tired.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi AllHeartMDG,

That is a lot of comorbidities.  I assume when he drinks alcohol his emotions become more erratic?

I understand the feeling of being discouraged, especially by our loved one's anger. I have dealt with it and it can be really hurtful and nasty at times.   I know it is really hard to understand, but the extreme anger and the origin of the anger typically has nothing to do with you. It usually stems from issues that happened way before we came into the picture.  From my experience, talking about the anger usually led to my boyfriend being more angry. I ended up getting upset and feeling bad that he was angry because I had a tendency to blame myself for his anger. Does this sound like something that you do?

The push-pull is very frustrating. The best thing I found is for myself to be grounded when that happens and not be affected by moods or behavior.  What specific things does he do to punish you?

[schlo]

Hi AllHeartMDG--

I'm rather new to the BPD discovery as well. It was rather like receiving a translator for speaking the other person's language.

Be gentle with yourself... .sounds like a tall order to adapt to and support your SO with so much going on. Keep talking to folks on this message board. I am finding it very helpful to know that there is a community who gets what it's like to "be me."

Ever seen the movie Pleasantville? Don't mean to sound trite or make light of where you are, just commenting more on my own development here. Everyone in that movie lives in a black and white world of complete predictability and pre-determined limits until one character steps out and tests the world beyond the black and white. A ripple effect ensues, and pretty soon, everyone is either stepping into a world of color, or contemplating the chaos that has resulted.

It's pretty fascinating... .I find it a bit therapeutic to look at a fictional representation of where I see myself... .stepping into color for the first time.

You might enjoy the movie, or you might not. But I do encourage you to take care of yourself as you know and identify what you need to move forward.

Blessings!

Schlo

[AllHeartMDG]

Thanks for the support! Basically, he punishes me by withholding himself emotionally and physically. He's very controlling about the time we spend and he's a cheater. We live be an hour apart, which is plenty of distance, but he controls the time we spend. He is intimidated by me and envious of me and this adds to our struggle. I have a career and multiple degrees, while he has neither. He struggles to find employment.  I'm trying not to be emotionally reactive, which caused much of the problem in the past, but it's very difficult! He's complicated, but he's always said his anger etc is not related to me and that I take things personally when they aren't.  I made the mistake of going NC with him, not realizing the damage I'd do. I'm afraid he will never get over it. So that anger is directed at me, and now I have to regain his trust. I don't know if that is possible.

[EaglesJuju]

Basically, he punishes me by withholding himself emotionally and physically. He's very controlling about the time we spend and he's a cheater. We live be an hour apart, which is plenty of distance, but he controls the time we spend.

I have experienced emotional withholding. Sometimes I think it is used for punishment, other times I think a BPD sufferer cannot control their emotions.  As a coping mechanism, pwBPD can overregulate or control their emotions so much it seems as if they are emotionless. When this happens, it is common for a pwBPD to shut down or dissociate. 

How does he control the time that you spend?

He is intimidated by me and envious of me and this adds to our struggle. I have a career and multiple degrees, while he has neither. He struggles to find employment.

It is likely that your success and career and his lack of employment adds to his own feelings of shame. Underneath the exterior of a pwBPD, there tends to be a lot of shame, feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, and self-disgust. 

I'm trying not to be emotionally reactive, which caused much of the problem in the past, but it's very difficult! He's complicated, but he's always said his anger etc is not related to me and that I take things personally when they aren't.  I made the mistake of going NC with him, not realizing the damage I'd do. I'm afraid he will never get over it. So that anger is directed at me, and now I have to regain his trust. I don't know if that is possible.

It is really hard to not take the behavior personal. I have heard exactly the same thing, that the anger is not related to me and I should not take it personal. It is easier said than done.  The lessons on this page really help with that.  Have you had a chance to read the lessons?

Why did you go NC?  Remember you cannot control the behavior or thoughts of another person. Nor should you be blamed for another person's behavior.

[AllHeartMDG]

I agree with everything that you said. He hates himself and he does feel shame. I know he fights to control his emotions. When we get close, he deliberately destroys everything. He has a lot of shame and he feels unworthy. He's said that to me- that it's hard for him to tell me he loves me when he doesn't feel worthy.

I went NC when I caught him cheating- again. This is his go-to way to soothe himself, get distance, and make himself feel like a man. I spent that time concentrating on my therapy and researching BPD. My therapist had really helped me understand that this is his problem and not because of me.

He controls the time we spend together and he will not make plans with me at all. He makes me wait and then tells me yes at the last minute. I've gotten good at figuring this out, so now I just play along, but it's frustrating. He won't open up to me emotionally and he fights to control that when we are together.

I haven't read all of the lessons, but I've read a lot on this site.

[EaglesJuju]

I agree with everything that you said. He hates himself and he does feel shame. I know he fights to control his emotions. When we get close, he deliberately destroys everything. He has a lot of shame and he feels unworthy. He's said that to me- that it's hard for him to tell me he loves me when he doesn't feel worthy.

The self-sabotage is both frustrating and sad. One of the hardest things for me is to try to be supportive when my boyfriend is self loathing and engulfed with shame and worthlessness. It can be a catch-22 at times. You want to be validating, although validating can be invalidating at times. Does this happen to you?

I went NC when I caught him cheating- again. This is his go-to way to soothe himself, get distance, and make himself feel like a man. I spent that time concentrating on my therapy and researching BPD. My therapist had really helped me understand that this is his problem and not because of me.

I commend you on taking the time to work on yourself. It is really easy to forget about your own needs at times. 

He controls the time we spend together and he will not make plans with me at all. He makes me wait and then tells me yes at the last minute. I've gotten good at figuring this out, so now I just play along, but it's frustrating. He won't open up to me emotionally and he fights to control that when we are together.

I can imagine how frustrating that must be. Impulsivity is a characteristic of BPD and planning is not usually something pwBPD do well.    Have you ever talked about the lack of planning with him?

Emotions are kryptonite for pwBPD. It is very hard for a BPD to sufferer to open up emotionally. Partially that has to do with an inability to trust other people, which is commonly something they learned during childhood. Also, many pwBPD come from invalidating environments where parents discouraged expression of emotions or feelings. Other times emotions are too overwhelming for a pwBPD, therefore they either suppress or avoid feelings. 

[AllHeartMDG]

The self-sabotage is both frustrating and sad. One of the hardest things for me is to try to be supportive when my boyfriend is self loathing and engulfed with shame and worthlessness. It can be a catch-22 at times. You want to be validating, although validating can be invalidating at times. Does this happen to you?



YES! It's like he hates me for not hating him. I feel like he tries to make me hate him all of the time, but when I tell him I will leave him alone, he tries to justify or modify what he's said. It's like I make him feel worse, but at the same time he seeks validation from me. I can't win.



Emotions are kryptonite for pwBPD. It is very hard for a BPD to sufferer to open up emotionally. Partially that has to do with an inability to trust other people, which is commonly something they learned during childhood. Also, many pwBPD come from invalidating environments where parents discouraged expression of emotions or feelings. Other times emotions are too overwhelming for a pwBPD, therefore they either suppress or avoid feelings. 



This is exactly how it is! He has actually referred to me as his kryptonite. He fights me so hard, and it's easy to believe he doesn't want me in his life, but he keeps holding on to that thread. I just don't know how to reach him. My therapist is a relationship therapist with a background is in treating pwBPD, so I basically got the perfect person to help me. She said he is extremely broken and she doesn't believe it will ever be better.

Right now he's trying to make m believe that he will be dead by March 1st. He's not going to kill himself- he's hired someone to do it so his kids can get life insurance money. It's just insane.