Feeling sorry for the replacement

[burritoman]

I ended up seeing a picture of my exBPD with my replacement. He looks so very happy. She on the other hand, does not. In the midst of feeling some anger, resentment, and some jealousy, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy. He has no idea what he's getting himself into.

I don't know the extent of this new relationship (if you can even call it that, because it's not public info), but from what I've seen it looks like she's just out for attention and validation right now. He looks like he's found the girl of his dreams, and she looks like she's just riding it out.

I can't help but think she's going to drop him hard. Not today or tomorrow, but sooner than later. He has no idea it's coming, and he's going to hurt. In that case, I feel sorry for him.

Has anybody else felt this way?

[thisworld]

Unless the replacement is a very young and naive woman, no. And even then I can never know for sure what kind of a person she is (maybe she is a narcissist or borderline herself?) I try to avoid over identification. I sometimes think it's an unconscious way of relaxation as well - "Oh, they'll fail and she will suffer so badly, too." I try to build my healing on indifference - if they last, they last, you know. It's important that I don't want it. Also, I keep on feeling sorry for other people but I should learn to focus my emotions on myself until I feel more stable myself.

[enlighten me]

I did feel sorry for my replacement. He has been dumped and my exgf is in another relationship. He was frantically liking her posts even ones with pictures of my son. The new guy is a friend of a friend. He is apparently a really nice guy who had a really bad relationship before that drove him to the verge of suicide. My friend is concerned for him as he knows what my ex did to me and is worried she may push him over the edge.

[Joem678]

I felt sorry somewhat.  Some of them had the same "What the heck" happened kind of look.  Then, I realized, I hope I don't look like that.  In my case, the idealization was more towards a group of friends.  The friends whom I was smeared to.  The friends who learned to trust my wife and wanted to help this victim of some sort of abuse.  Those are the folks I feel sorry for.  They get manipulated hard!  I mean to the point where they turn their back on my wife when they see the truth.  For example, my wife makes good money.  This time around, when she left to her mom's studio apt, these friends furnished it for her.  Imagine when they find out the truth.  She is also their manager.  It's a pretty high-profile job.

The replacement is either introduced to her or is part of the crowd.  Friendships don't last if they are built on lies.  I anticipate these will be another group to turn their back on her.  It will be the fifth group in 20 years.

[zeus123]

feeling sorry for the replacement? buritoman i am sorry to ask you this but  why are you checking your ex's activities on social medias? we suppose to go complete and strict NO CONTACT after a BPD relationship. you should only feel sorry for yourself as to why you were involved with a damaged soul in the first place. NC categorically!

[Newton]

zeus123  my understanding is that 'no contact' is a method of giving ourselves some breathing space... .if we need it, perhaps a good metaphor is 'cold turkey' for addicts.  It isn't something we are 'supposed' to do, nor would informed members here advocate it as something individuals have to do... .we all have our own path.

That said... .I totally understand the motives of burritoman right now.  I found out about the 'other guy' who was being taken for a ride... .went and found him... .sat down for a very civilized coffee and chat.  He listened, looked at proof on my phone to verify I wasn't playing him.  :)uring this chat my 'partner' sent along an enabler friend to the cafe to warn him how dangerous I was  

I was still trying to save the world, putting myself in danger... .and perpetuating the drama... .and I was totally sick of her by this point!    He chose to go to her, fund her for another few months... .then lost her to yet another back up.

I am also interested in what you think your motive is right now burritoman.    

[burritoman]

feeling sorry for the replacement? buritoman i am sorry to ask you this but  why are you checking your ex's activities on social medias? we suppose to go complete and strict NO CONTACT after a BPD relationship. you should only feel sorry for yourself as to why you were involved with a damaged soul in the first place. NC categorically!

I have no real motives. Last week she changed her profile picture, and I looked at her page for the first time in about 6 weeks. I've been doing a good job healing after going NC with her. Gaining a new perspective and understanding of what I just went through. I most certainly don't feel sorry for myself.

That said, none of us should feel sorry for ourselves. If you feel sorry, how can you heal?

[Newton]

Acting without motive?... .really?... .

It sounds like you are spending time assuming how she feels now, how she will probably behave... .and how he will subsequently feel about it.  That's a lot of assumptions, why do you care?... . 

[Herodias]

I am happy to say that I am finally no contact all the way! No more looking at "Fake book"! I no longer care after what he said to me on Xmas. I don't want to know how things go, because I know how it will go. Do I feel sorry for one of the women who cheated on her husband with mine? NO! Do I want to watch all the drama that he creates with all of his conquests being "friends" with each other on fake book? NO! I am done feeling sorry for anyone that is not on deaths door. I don't want to see pictures of the baby that those two liars produce either. I am done torturing myself and I am working on taking care of me for the first time ever... .I am choosing to see that my life is so much better off and I am free to live how I want to live and no more will I walk on eggshells. No more will I be taken for granted and lied to. I am finally where I need to be. Free of drama!

[Joem678]

Herodias,

How long did it take you to get there?

[Herodias]

"How long did it take you to get there?"

I would have to say that we separated last Jan. 16, 2015- still in contact until I found out about the current gf in May. Then the pregnancy in Nov. It has been a work in progress to here... .but getting stronger all the time. Please remember, I have known him for 9 years, married 7... .we sold our house in April. I didn't give up on him until I found out he had the gf pregnant. He actually said he would come back. I think you need some boundary that you know you will not cross for your own sake. A therapist asked me that a long time ago... .what is it going to take. For me it was a woman in my bed and then getting another one pregnant. That'/s what forced me out. Ironically, he will still say I abandoned him. I am so fortunate to be out of it now. I will file for divorce Jan. 18. Then it's up to the courts.

[anxiety5]

I think it's natural to feel bad for the replacement. Part of what these relationships teach us though, is that we need to focus/prioritize/fix ourselves not worry about other people. Those are lessons other people have to learn themselves.

[balletomane]

I have never felt sorry for my ex's new girlfriend. She came to me not long before they got together and fished for information about my relationship with him, ostensibly because she wanted us to reconcile ("I think you must have been such a good couple," "I like to fix what's broken," "I'm always trying to match-make between you two," etc). Her real motives were revealed three weeks later - she'd been checking to find out if the way was clear for her. That hurt me and contributed to my feelings of having being manipulated and used. It keeps me from feeling sorry for her, because she could have protected herself from future pain by asking straight questions and telling me the truth about why she was asking. I wouldn't have bad-mouthed my ex to her or given the gory details, but I would have made it plain that a.) our relationship had been volatile and b.) we were still romantically and sexually involved, but it had been kept a secret at his insistence. It's hard for me to sympathise with someone who lied to me like that, even though I understand that the lying was probably done out of shyness and embarrassment rather than callousness towards me. Still, part of me thinks that she deserves what she gets - she made a morally dubious choice and it's her own fault if it attracts bad consequences.

[Trog]

I wouldn't wish anyone to go through what I had to endure with my ex, from start to end. I've been out 18 months and it's a lot easier to get some clarity on what I was to her in a long line of people who have been "of service" in one way or another. I feel blessed that jealousy, or other feelings of envy or resentment, have not figured in my healing over this relationship. I don't "feel sorry" for the replacement, as anyone openly tolerating a cluster B for any amount of time clearly has life lessons to learn, if they're smart, they'll be out quickly (and looking back at my exes past many were out as soon as they twigged), if they're white knights/codas, like me, they'll get burned... .and then hopefully learn.

[shatra]

BlueHeron wrote---I didn't give up on him until I found out he had the gf pregnant. He actually said he would come back.

----Even though he has the gf, he might come back. Or at least he might try to---it's what they often do

[Herodias]

Shatra, you are correct. He told me I could take him back... .when I didn't show interest, he told me I could be a part of the babies life (how he was going to get the gf to agree to this would have been interesting, ) I told him if he ever got anyone pregnant, I was gone for good. That's my boundary.

[thisworld]

(how he was going to get the gf to agree to this would have been interesting, )

Oh, they orchestrate stuff like that so well. For instance, they make up miserable things about us and try to get the new girl pity us. So, she is treating us with kindness! Sadly, they may even come up with nicknames that hint at things about our bodies, our age, whatever works. So, the two laugh at us sometimes behind our backs. Then these men sleep with us (this time looking down on the other woman and coming up with a nickname or something) and the other woman gets confused as well. Then they go back, then they come back with two wrecked women acting like puppets at his orchestration. Once they have freed themselves from the ethical framework that binds us, there are so many solutions.