The damage they have done to us

[Depression = 72% of members]

Admittedly, I tried to break NC with my F after 25 years. I found and excuse to call and mention I had a baby. He showed no interest in the baby except a polite email in response to pics. He lives less than 40 miles away and in his mid 60's, still works so he is not housebound.

I feel I am betraying myself breaking NC contact with him. He made accusations against me when I was 19 that almost buried my in prison. I was taking care of his infirm mother and he was in jail on kidnapping charges. It stemmed from a custody dispute. When he got out , he needed money for drugs and a place to live so he tried to worm his way into his mothers house and money by saying I was abusing her.

In my work, I see young adults whose parents help them in college i.e money, cars , emotional support, ect. I do feel a sting of jealousy as it reminds me of what I did not have. I also realize at that age, one is not mentally prepared to deal with elderly relatives, fight off drug addicts and deal with serious accusations. Young adults need to be in college studying or learning skills ie a trade.

  I suspect many of us never got a solid foundation for a career due to BPD parents. This can be a lifelong problem. I did not graduate college until my early 30's. I was almost convinced it would not happen.

You can read some of my previous posts to get a back story. During our 5 minute phone call, F did mention how he helped his friend's son out who is going through a custody dispute. I thought "wow, you are a mentor to your friends' children yet you show no interest in your own".

When we get married or take on SO's, as much as we try to hide our hurt and pain, it will come out over time.

  These people hurt us in more ways than we realize. The very fact some of us try to re-engage with them is a testament to how we really are decent people.

[Please help]

Admittedly, I tried to break NC with my F after 25 years. I found and excuse to call and mention I had a baby. He showed no interest in the baby except a polite email in response to pics. He lives less than 40 miles away and in his mid 60's, still works so he is not housebound.

I feel I am betraying myself breaking NC contact with him. He made accusations against me when I was 19 that almost buried my in prison. I was taking care of his infirm mother and he was in jail on kidnapping charges. It stemmed from a custody dispute. When he got out , he needed money for drugs and a place to live so he tried to worm his way into his mothers house and money by saying I was abusing her.

In my work, I see young adults whose parents help them in college i.e money, cars , emotional support, ect. I do feel a sting of jealousy as it reminds me of what I did not have. I also realize at that age, one is not mentally prepared to deal with elderly relatives, fight off drug addicts and deal with serious accusations. Young adults need to be in college studying or learning skills ie a trade.

  I suspect many of us never got a solid foundation for a career due to BPD parents. This can be a lifelong problem. I did not graduate college until my early 30's. I was almost convinced it would not happen.

You can read some of my previous posts to get a back story. During our 5 minute phone call, F did mention how he helped his friend's son out who is going through a custody dispute. I thought "wow, you are a mentor to your friends' children yet you show no interest in your own".

When we get married or take on SO's, as much as we try to hide our hurt and pain, it will come out over time.

  These people hurt us in more ways than we realize. The very fact some of us try to re-engage with them is a testament to how we really are decent people.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry your phone call was disappointing.    I can see how it would be with having a new baby and wanting to share that joy with your dad. It sounds like you were at a point where you were looking at forgiveness/acceptance for your dad? Accepting a disordered family member for who they are is hard.

I think you're right that we don't or can't hide deep pain forever. How have you been coping with being NC your dad? Will you reach out to him again? Could a polite email from him just be a starting point?

[Please help]

I am NC with my mother as well. I lost touch with her when I was a teen. The NC with my mom was not as bad. I know she should be in an institution somewhere as she is so sick and twisted. If anything, I feel bad for her. No real anger.

This is all attributed to knowing my F better than my M. I watched him spiral out of control with drugs. He saw me as an enabler, nothing more. Once someone sees you as an enabler who lets them down, they want nothing to do with you. This is why they can have relations with other (much younger) children and not you. He never saw them as enablers. He painted me black when I turned my back on him and that was it.

He also knows I am living a well-adjusted life. BPD people know their twisted lives will not work on "normal" people. They write us off as stuck-up a-holes or other choice terms. Their dysfunction will not dove-tail into our lifestyles so they have no need for us.

He is doing us all a favor. I was wondering how things would have went if he came to see the baby. He would sit here , talk about drug deals, friends getting in and out of trouble, brag about how he is held in high regard among his peers i.e they call him when they get arrested or have other legal issues. He would quickly realize me trying to shift our conversation to more neutral ground. He would get defensive and start dropping rude insults at me.

As I am writing this, I think I am getting my questions answered.  Both my parents are sick and there will never be a relationship. If I truly wanted a relationship with them, I would have to start either selling and / or using prescription drugs. They would then have a need for me. Another way is I could start "jumping in" to help them with money when they needed it. Since I got sick of being co-dependent in my teen years, the relationships died.

  I always thought it was odd how my F could be in touch with my M and his other ex-wife but not me. Both put him through hell and had him arrested. They all hate me. I think his relationships with them have to do with drugs.

  The fact he has no interest in his grandson tells me it's nothing against me personally. There are simply no drugs or dysfunctional behavior for him to indulge in. That is how these people operate. 

Thanks for listening

[Buck]

I'm new to this forum, but I know exactly what you are going through. I'm also an adult dealing with very sick parents. I had to back away from them with no contact for several years in order to get some recovery for myself. When I felt strong enough to reconnect on a limited basis I had to set strict boundaries.

I still feel disappointment and a profound sense of loss sometimes when I realize that they will never be who I need them to be. They can't be supportive or emotionally nurturing. All I can do is protect myself from being used by them. This sad truth comes like a cold slap in the face sometimes but I try accept it more and more each day. For me this acceptance is the key.        

[Turkish]

You graduated college despite everything. Your desire to remain in contact (not to mention taking care of his infirm mother while he was in jail) is a testament to the facts that you are both dutiful and loyal. I think that these are virtues to be proud of; not because, but despite.