Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
October 05, 2024, 12:42:36 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
>
Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
> Topic:
The damage they have done to us
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: The damage they have done to us (Read 417 times)
Please help
Offline
Posts: 270
The damage they have done to us
«
on:
December 28, 2015, 09:38:00 AM »
Admittedly, I tried to break NC with my F after 25 years. I found and excuse to call and mention I had a baby. He showed no interest in the baby except a polite email in response to pics. He lives less than 40 miles away and in his mid 60's, still works so he is not housebound.
I feel I am betraying myself breaking NC contact with him. He made accusations against me when I was 19 that almost buried my in prison. I was taking care of his infirm mother and he was in jail on kidnapping charges. It stemmed from a custody dispute. When he got out , he needed money for drugs and a place to live so he tried to worm his way into his mothers house and money by saying I was abusing her.
In my work, I see young adults whose parents help them in college i.e money, cars , emotional support, ect. I do feel a sting of jealousy as it reminds me of what I did not have. I also realize at that age, one is not mentally prepared to deal with elderly relatives, fight off drug addicts and deal with serious accusations. Young adults need to be in college studying or learning skills ie a trade.
I suspect many of us never got a solid foundation for a career due to BPD parents. This can be a lifelong problem. I did not graduate college until my early 30's. I was almost convinced it would not happen.
You can read some of my previous posts to get a back story. During our 5 minute phone call, F did mention how he helped his friend's son out who is going through a custody dispute. I thought "wow, you are a mentor to your friends' children yet you show no interest in your own".
When we get married or take on SO's, as much as we try to hide our hurt and pain, it will come out over time.
These people hurt us in more ways than we realize. The very fact some of us try to re-engage with them is a testament to how we really are decent people.
Logged
Suzn
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3957
Re: The damage they have done to us
«
Reply #1 on:
December 28, 2015, 01:15:40 PM »
I'm sorry your phone call was disappointing. I can see how it would be with having a new baby and wanting to share that joy with your dad. It sounds like you were at a point where you were looking at forgiveness/acceptance for your dad? Accepting a disordered family member for who they are is hard.
I think you're right that we don't or can't hide deep pain forever. How have you been coping with being NC your dad? Will you reach out to him again? Could a polite email from him just be a starting point?
Logged
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
Please help
Offline
Posts: 270
Re: The damage they have done to us
«
Reply #2 on:
December 28, 2015, 02:02:56 PM »
I am NC with my mother as well. I lost touch with her when I was a teen. The NC with my mom was not as bad. I know she should be in an institution somewhere as she is so sick and twisted. If anything, I feel bad for her. No real anger.
This is all attributed to knowing my F better than my M. I watched him spiral out of control with drugs. He saw me as an enabler, nothing more. Once someone sees you as an enabler who lets them down, they want nothing to do with you. This is why they can have relations with other (much younger) children and not you. He never saw them as enablers. He painted me black when I turned my back on him and that was it.
He also knows I am living a well-adjusted life. BPD people know their twisted lives will not work on "normal" people. They write us off as stuck-up a-holes or other choice terms. Their dysfunction will not dove-tail into our lifestyles so they have no need for us.
He is doing us all a favor. I was wondering how things would have went if he came to see the baby. He would sit here , talk about drug deals, friends getting in and out of trouble, brag about how he is held in high regard among his peers i.e they call him when they get arrested or have other legal issues. He would quickly realize me trying to shift our conversation to more neutral ground. He would get defensive and start dropping rude insults at me.
As I am writing this, I think I am getting my questions answered. Both my parents are sick and there will never be a relationship. If I truly wanted a relationship with them, I would have to start either selling and / or using prescription drugs. They would then have a need for me. Another way is I could start "jumping in" to help them with money when they needed it. Since I got sick of being co-dependent in my teen years, the relationships died.
I always thought it was odd how my F could be in touch with my M and his other ex-wife but not me. Both put him through hell and had him arrested. They all hate me. I think his relationships with them have to do with drugs.
The fact he has no interest in his grandson tells me it's nothing against me personally. There are simply no drugs or dysfunctional behavior for him to indulge in. That is how these people operate.
Thanks for listening
Logged
Buck
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4
Re: The damage they have done to us
«
Reply #3 on:
December 28, 2015, 02:27:52 PM »
I'm new to this forum, but I know exactly what you are going through. I'm also an adult dealing with very sick parents. I had to back away from them with no contact for several years in order to get some recovery for myself. When I felt strong enough to reconnect on a limited basis I had to set strict boundaries.
I still feel disappointment and a profound sense of loss sometimes when I realize that they will never be who I need them to be. They can't be supportive or emotionally nurturing. All I can do is protect myself from being used by them. This sad truth comes like a cold slap in the face sometimes but I try accept it more and more each day. For me this acceptance is the key.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12179
Dad to my wolf pack
Re: The damage they have done to us
«
Reply #4 on:
December 28, 2015, 10:59:45 PM »
You graduated college despite everything. Your desire to remain in contact (not to mention taking care of his infirm mother while he was in jail) is a testament to the facts that you are both dutiful and loyal. I think that these are virtues to be proud of; not because, but despite.
Logged
“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
>
Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
> Topic:
The damage they have done to us
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...