She texts back and is friendly ... what does it mean?

[Anez]

A few more questions as I try to figure out if getting back together is possible.

We've been done for a few months. I've gone off and on NC but we work together so we occasionally see each other and keep it light. on 12/23 i sent her a text wishing her and her daughter a merry christmas. She quickly replied saying it was nice talking to me that day at work (we actually sat together in the lounge at work for a while and laughed and talked about silly stuff ... .we hadn't done that in a while) and she wished me a beautiful christmas.

We didn't text again until last night when i sent her a text saying i was back from my trip, hope she had a good xmas and would she like to get sushi tuesday night and have a few laughs.

She replied saying she had a great xmas but that sushi was out this week because her ex couldn't watch her daughter this week because of a project he had at work.

We then traded some more texts about light stuff but it was good. No relationship talk or anything - i'm not bringing what happened in our past up again. That's in the past, I just want to be the fun person she fell for and that's it and see where it goes.

So she never initiates texts anymore - only replies to mine. What's up with that? And she's really nice in her texts so that shows she still cares, right? Tho our texts when we were together were a lot different - we did the normal chit chat, we shared stuff, we sexted, she sent racy photos ... .but now we're just like to friends staying far away from anything like the sex stuff we used to share.

i guess what i'm trying to ask here is should I just keep playing it cool like this and be patient? I keep saying, let's not text her until she initiates it but then she doesn't and I send one off and she replies.

My therapist has told me to move on and told me not to contact her during the holidays. I didn't listen to him, obviously, and I'm just trying to figure out what I should do. I still care for her and want her back even though I know that probably won't happen because she never reaches out to me first.

Sorry, just rambling here and trying to figure things out.

thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Anez,

Why did your T say to not contact her over the holidays? Have you waited for her to send you a text? What does your intuition tell you?

[Anez]

Hi Mutt, thanks for the reply.

My T wants me to move on from her but he said he'd support my decision either way. He suggested I don't contact her over the holidays because: "Probably would be good to not contact her or focus on her at all during the holiday. Really easy during holidays to get pulled back in and then harder to extract yourself later on."

It's easier said than done, of course. My T says these texts show I could save the relationship but he says the next go around wouldn't last long or be good for me, which I totally get.

She hasn't texted first in over 2 months. I only text every now and then and keep it light. After our fun chat the other day at work she replied to my Xmas text saying it was nice to talk with me and she called me a nickname that she used to call me when we were together. It was nice to see that.

Today I saw her at work for a brief minute as I headed out to a doctors appointment. She looked really good so I texted her saying she looked really good today. She instantly texted back saying thank you very much.

My intuition says she's working on herself as she's a young single mother and has a lot of responsibilities with her daughter. I also think she might have a replacement who's prob in a relationship because I was in one when she met me. It prob makes her feel like nothing serious can happen. I don't think she can just turn off her sexual being - physically or via text - and someone is getting that from her. But I do t know if that's true or not.

I try to move on but then I see her at work and everything comes back up to the surface.

[Mutt]

Hi Anez,

It's good that she's replying back. It sounds like she's busy if she's not texting you first. It's speculation if she's in a romantic relationship or not. Your T said that you could save the relationship from the emails. It sounds like she cares about you. I wouldn't come off too strong. I'd give her space and wait for her to text.

[Anez]

Thanks mutt. I will do that. My fear is she won't ever text first and she'll feel like I'm distancing myself from her for good. But I think it makes sense to wait for her to text first, if she ever does. She knows how I feel. Now it's time for space and time.

[Mutt]

My fear is she won't ever text first and she'll feel like I'm distancing myself from her for good.

Do you fear losing the intimacy that you shared? When you say that you're worried that she'll think that your distancing yourself for good is that because of the on / off NC? Did she share with you how she felt when you were in NC?

[Anez]

Nope she didn't share. A month or so after we split I saw her at a work party and tried to talk to her but it didn't go well. I expressed my feelings and it scared her off. The next day she texted me saying we shouldn't see each other in social settings and let time do its thing. I went NC after that for a while, through her birthday, and then slowly started texting her. And she always responded to my texts in a nice way.

My problem is giving her space while still letting her know I care. But her not initiating texts tells me a lot, especially considering how much she used to love communicating with me.

I think she still cares but I'm not sure how much she thinks about me when I'm not initiating contact.

I fear her just forgetting about me.

[MapleBob]

My problem is giving her space while still letting her know I care. But her not initiating texts tells me a lot, especially considering how much she used to love communicating with me.

I think she still cares but I'm not sure how much she thinks about me when I'm not initiating contact.

I fear her just forgetting about me.

Anez, this sounds EXACTLY like where I'm at with my ex. And it suuuuuuucks. She responds in a friendly way - even sometimes in intimate, familiar ways - but doesn't ever initiate, and even sometimes runs hot and cold on contact. I'm going to recommend to you what I have to continually recommend to myself: stay loose about it all, text WAY less than you secretly want to, and just hope that things improve, and that maybe she comes around. It's a hard road, believe me. She knows that you care, and I find it hard to believe that she's forgotten about you.

[Anez]

Maple:

Yup, we are in the same exact spot. It's funny how often that can happen with people dealing with pwBPD. I check my phone A LOT ... .especially at night because that's when we used to text a lot. And of course there's never a text from her. It hurts but I'm getting used to it and getting closer to just accepting it. It is what it is.

Part of me wants to go on some dates with some other women to see if it gets the taste out of my mouth and helps me move on. I've been chatting with a few on some dating apps and will probably do that soon.

At some point we have to stop living life on hold and just go out there and live it.

[MapleBob]

Part of me wants to go on some dates with some other women to see if it gets the taste out of my mouth and helps me move on. I've been chatting with a few on some dating apps and will probably do that soon.

At some point we have to stop living life on hold and just go out there and live it.

Mine used to text me all day every day, so I'm sure you can imagine my withdrawals! Took me about seven months to stop expecting to hear from her.

I've been dating and, while it's fun, it hasn't washed the taste for her out of *my* mouth yet. Funny thing is: my LTR before her was also probably BPD, and she came back a solid year after I fully moved on. I don't expect the same thing this time, but at one point we were in a very similar limbo to what you and I are experiencing now, and I would have sworn I'd never hear from her again. So yeah, you never really know what their thinking/processing is like.

[Anez]

Yea, it's a pretty awful spot to be in, Maple. Sorry you're going through it, too. I gotta think mine is texting somebody like she used to text me but I can't let that beat me up.

I'm a fun, outgoing guy. I deserve someone who will give me their time and attention and love. And I gotta think somewhere down the line I will get that.

But until then ... .i look at my phone to see if i got a text! haha. Sometimes you gotta be able to laugh at the situation.

[MapleBob]

Yea, it's a pretty awful spot to be in, Maple. Sorry you're going through it, too. I gotta think mine is texting somebody like she used to text me but I can't let that beat me up.

I have the same exact thought! Even with overwhelming evidence to the contrary... .

[Anez]

Let's just bury that thought in the ground and not allow that made up narrative to have any real estate in our brains.

so long, thought!

[MapleBob]

Let's just bury that thought in the ground and not allow that made up narrative to have any real estate in our brains.

so long, thought!

*high five*

I'm pretty good about letting "whatever" be "whatever", but the thought crops up.

[Anez]

Just saw her at work and had a light conversation where I showed off by not showing off that I'm ok and can be the funny, non-clingy, guy that i was well before I met her. I can be me and that feels good.

[MapleBob]

Just saw her at work and had a light conversation where I showed off by not showing off that I'm ok and can be the funny, non-clingy, guy that i was well before I met her. I can be me and that feels good.

Awesome! That's the stuff.

I texted mine today to set up a phone call. Pretty casual, pleasant response.

[Anez]

A phone call would be a huge step for mine ... .good luck to you Maple!

[MapleBob]

A phone call would be a huge step for mine ... .good luck to you Maple!

We talk semi-regularly. At least you get to ("get too"  ) see her - mine's in another country!

[Anez]

Haha yea but getting to see her isn't always great!

I've been obsessing a lot about her today. How is she able to just shut it off and all I do is think about her and keep checking these boards all day long?

I need to go to the gym and sweat. Gonna do that right now.

[Anez]

About to go to bed but I'm angry. How could she just shake everything off that happened between us and push me aside and never reach out to me?

I know it's BPD but we had something that I thought was special. I feel like a fool sometimes.

I want to bottle this anger so I can bring it out whenever I feel like another chance with her is possible. She's proving that it's not.

Man I hate this.

[MapleBob]

I've had those thoughts too, Anez. It's pretty incomprehensible for me too.

[Anez]

She acts at work like nothing happened, too. It's like the year we had (off and on) that led to the demise of marriage and what I thought was the start of a good relationship never happened.

And now she continues to not reach out to me and just moves on with her life as if nothing happened.

The memories of stuff that we did together jump into my brain all the time. I see things that remind me of times we had, trips we took, etc. and it hits me in the gut. My T keeps telling me to just get through it and not focus on her but it's so darn hard.

Last night I thought about writing out a long text before new years describing to her the fun times we had together and how much I enjoyed it but I know that is not a smart thing to do and I'm not gonna do it.

I just feel like I have to do something drastic to try to wrangle her back but I also know that won't work with a BPD. But I also know just doing what I'm doing now - occasional texts, light chats at work - won't work either.

it's up to her and her brain and I feel like I will never be with her in the way that i was just a few months ago. and that hurts.

[MapleBob]

I hear you loud and clear, Anez. Definitely don't make any big, drastic moves. I think I partially screwed up my chances by doing that early on. I think at some point you start to realize that the limbo you're in is self-created, and then you start to move on a little bit. I don't feel confident that my ex thinks of me either, but I've been wrong about that in the past, so who knows? I just know that I've had exes come back before, and it was only after I had moved on, changed, and improved myself to the point that I wouldn't go back to that person anyway. That's the sad reality of relationships: you have to make them grow together, or they grow apart. Neither of our exes seem too concerned by the "growing apart".

I'm supposed to talk to mine later this week, I'm not sure if she has a motive for the conversation or not, but I'm at the point where I feel so unsafe with her that I just assume that she'll tell me she doesn't see the point in talking to me anymore. I might be wrong, but her interest level in me seems to be in the single digits right now. I know that pushing matters pushes her away, so I do what I can. Bare minimum.

I'm not going to make someone a priority who doesn't make me a priority.

Well, eventually. 

[Anez]

Thanks, Maple. Yea, not gonna do anything drastic.

I didn't handle things all that great after the initial breakup because I didn't know BPD existed. I tried like hell to get her back, telling her how much i cared for and I told her that I loved her, and asked her if she was afraid to be loved.

I know now that all of those things push people with BPD away. I wonder how much damage that did. It seems like it did a lot.

Good luck with your phone call. I hope it goes the way you want it to.

[MapleBob]

Thanks, Anez. I've had some success with her by stepping down the pressure and drama, but not going fully no contact. You might try the same. Are you familiar with Al Turtle's website? He has a plan there that might be relevant in your situation:

www.alturtle.com/archives/1326

His whole website is pretty great, actually, for understanding relationship dynamics. It's not specifically about BPD, but I've learned things that I've applied to good use from his site.

[Anez]

Not familiar with that website but definitely going to give it a read. Thank you!

On a side note, I have a date set up for Saturday night with a nice girl that i've been chatting with on a dating site. I just feel like I need to get out and have dinner and drinks with a woman to see how it makes me feel.

Gotta keep living.

[MapleBob]

Good plan! Go slow. 

I'll tell you what my therapist told me once upon a time: after a BPD relationship, other relationships are going to be a little disappointing in their level of intensity.

[Anez]

Yup, i fear that future relationships won't be as intense as the BPD one. But they will be even more fulfilling, i hope.

[MapleBob]

Yup, i fear that future relationships won't be as intense as the BPD one. But they will be even more fulfilling, i hope.

And more reliable, and balanced, and supportive, and healing. I hope!

[Anez]

I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I'm thinking about her 100 percent of my day. We had some laughs at work today and now all I want to do is text her this short message:

I miss you.


Somebody talk me out of doing that! Thank you in advance.