My ex is back in town.

[valet]

Hey everyone, my ex is back in town for the holidays. She messaged me asking if I wanted to meet up at all while she was here. I'm totally cool with that, although it makes me a little nervous. I feel very good these days, and I do want to see her.

There was a christmas party planned that we both went to after that exchange. I had a really good time. It was nice to see all of my friends in the same place again. I had an odd moment with her looking at a book that one of her friends got for her, where she was kind of in kid mode. She could only really point at the pictures and say 'look!'. That made me feel really sad for a minute. Seeing that kid inside made me realize why I care about her so much. She's in therapy right now, but I'm not sure how its going for her so far. We haven't really talked about it, although she mentioned a couple of months ago that she really wanted to talk about her experience with me. Other than that, when I left she asked if I was still cool with hanging out, which I am. We're gonna get coffee tomorrow and shoot the breeze a bit.

Lately she's been talking about moving home, and she seems pretty serious about it. I don't know how that makes me feel. It would be easier for me emotionally if she didn't come back in some ways, but I also think that I'd really enjoy having her around again. I guess, at some point, I started to get scared that our current amiable friends thing would get messed up by a closer proximity. It's not out of the question that my own fears of abandonment/engulfment are being triggered now. But yeah, not sure. I don't want to put more pressure on it than it deserves. Both of us are only human, after all. I'm going to see how it goes.

[Mutt]

Maybe you'll find out more tomorrow when you have coffee? It may alleviate some anxiety. Post an update on your coffee session.

[valet]

Sometime before we met this evening, I began to feel really calm. I guess like the self that I have projecting into. The self somewhat removed from all of the energy that I can put towards this. It was very liberating to feel good instead of nervous. We ended up getting dinner together and meeting some friends for drinks. It was a pretty long hang, to be honest. Kind of like old times, but very different in some ways. We are both different people now in certain ways, and I think that we've both learned a lot in the last year.

She told me that she's definitely moving back here. She doesn't like what she's doing abroad and says she's sick of being away from her support group. She's talking to a therapist. We talked a bit about both of our experiences in therapy and it was a pretty positive thing from what I have seen. Seems like she's in the right sort of thing for her right now. She is very interested in 'repairing' her relationships with family and friends, and now very focused (or at least, this is what she says) on finding her career. I am skeptical, because I know how she can be about plans, goals, etc. But I'm rooting for her. This is only the beginning for her. Like myself, she still has a bit of work to do. I think that she can do it if she stays the course on things. That makes me feel happy and at peace in some ways that maybe I have being overthinking.

It's amazing, now that I think about it, how much I've learned here. I feel like I really have a new appreciation for the person that I have become. So many things could have bothered me that didn't and don't anymore. I feel like I'm seeing her a lot more for who she is these days. I still am a bit confused about how I feel, frankly. There are lots of questions about what happens when she gets back, but I am doing a great job of playing this by ear. I didn't realize this the last few months, but it struck me today how much I really miss her. A lot happened between us, but I can still see the good inside of her. Yes, more complicated now, of course. But also less, in ways that it should be as far as I am concerned.

[Mutt]

valet,

It sounds like things are going good for you.

So many things could have bothered me that didn't and don't anymore. I feel like I'm seeing her a lot more for who she is these days.

Are you working on radical acceptance?

[valet]

Radical acceptance feels like one of those skills that has been basically hardwired into my brain these days. Sure, I get into arguments with people from time to time, but I've found that when I give up control or 'being right' its much easier to get a bigger glimpse at what's really going on.

I had a few good conversations with close mutual friends recently, mainly because I was a bit irritated that my ex was acting so distant the past month or so. I was forgetting that she was thousands of miles away, dealing with her own decisions and struggling to make friends in a place that isn't so comfortable for her. It actually surprised me when she decided to reach out before her flight back. I think that all of this time, she has really made an honest effort to show how much she cares/respects our friendship, but that was a bit difficult to see, especially being so far away (what kind of friendship can be that be, if it isn't one where you can actually meet up in the same physical space?). I wasn't looking at the limitations in front of me. I can see those a lot more clearly now. A big learning experience, as well as weight lifted.

A lot of this has also been me trying to see past the traits, and then slowly but surely getting there. For a while the fact that she exhibited behaviors of someone with BPD had me demonizing her a bit. She wasn't a 'real' person in the sense that some of my other friends are. She was just that 'thing'. Almost a scapegoat that I would dump a lot of feelings into without fully addressing them. What I am really trying to process now, is that although I may want to put her in that box, my ex is not an alien and she is not unreasonable. She can be all of those things from time to time, just like myself, but those things are not everything—just a part. I think that she's just now starting to come out of denial of her anxieties and bouts of depression. During our relationship she was very anti all of these things. It's really good to see her owning these things and working on them. I don't know the extent of her knowledge or whether or not she has been diagnosed or has tried to discern her own emotional hangups, but from the little that I have talked to her about these things I think that she's starting to become aware that I noticed something was up a long time ago. I hope that she gets to that point of being able to face that head on, and I have a feeling that she will. That's a conversation for another time, or maybe never. Either way, I think that everything will turn out alright.

[Mutt]

A lot of this has also been me trying to see past the traits, and then slowly but surely getting there. For a while the fact that she exhibited behaviors of someone with BPD had me demonizing her a bit. She wasn't a 'real' person in the sense that some of my other friends are. She was just that 'thing'. Almost a scapegoat that I would dump a lot of feelings into without fully addressing them. What I am really trying to process now, is that although.

You're working on radical acceptance. I agree that it's a process. I found that I see my ex wife as a person with personality quirks. Her behaviors don't phase me. Radically accepting my ex wife had positive side effects for in areas in my life, for example my narcissistic dad. I see that it's helping also helping you with how you react with people in general. You're on your way.

[valet]

Thanks Mutt.

I was in that place for a while where I was afraid to turn the corner. I didn't want to lose hope. Somewhere in me, that feeling will linger, but I feel that I'm in a good place as far as having a balanced life. I lost myself a bit in the 'what if's' when we hung out the other day. It was kind of strange cause it appears that she really is trying instead of trying to sweep her feelings under the rug. The good thing now, however, on my part, is that I'm able to recognize when I sweep myself away and put on the mental breaks. There is a time and place for dreaming, of course, but it's not all of the time.

[Kelli Cornett]

Can I ask why you are friends?

[blanchard]

Radical acceptance feels like one of those skills that has been basically hardwired into my brain these days.

What you need to radically accept is that there is no cure; only treatment.  Everything else is a masquerade, a crazy quilt pastiche of identities clobbered together to help her survive. 

In other words, the greatest injustice you can do to you-and herself-is to try and "identify" with who she is, how she sees the world, and what she is going through.