I've been chosen as scapegoat

[Patterson]

 

I have been chosen as family scapegoat since my son married a Boarderline. She forbids him to talk with me.  I have feeling he is brainwashed now after 5 years in his relationship. They have a two year old daughter who I am not permitted to see. New baby boy is arriving early Feb. My DIL threatened to kill herself & take my granddaughter with her around her 1st birthday.  My biggest concern is the safety of the children.

I am learning a lot about myself through this experience. 

With the sadness in our world at large & the brevity of life it is sad people choose to live this way.  I have come to accept I may never see or talk with my son again.

[Please help]

Can you give some back story? You can spend the rest of your life racking your brain looking for answers or accept the fact you are correct. You and your son may never speak again.

I have seen good mothers lose their sons to the wife. It's awful. There is nothing you can do to persuade them back.

I hope you can learn ways to cope and understand it's probably not your fault. Always stay in contact so the son can never say you went NC.

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry that they choose to behave this way, Patterson. As please help indicated, this isn't uncommon. To my shame, I felt as if I didn't stand up to my Ex enough when she made my mom feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in our home. I just didn't want the extra drama, and we had one, then two babies.

I can't say for sure what your son's thoughts are (my Ex never demanded NC), but dealing with a disordered spouse and babies is tough, though this doesn't excuse their behaviors. 

For whatever his reasons, he's chosen to acquiesce to her disordered demands. It's sad that your grandbabies and you are cut off from contact as well... Threatening suicide is very concerning. Is there a concern that the family may be in danger now?

Turkish

[Patterson]

Thank you both for reply. 

I can look back & see ways my behavior added fuel to the fire.  In my lifetime I've had friends & family move closer then farther apart.  My DIL once said " I vote with my feet. "   Now I see what she ment and what the "cut off' looks like. 

My life looks like a game board. People around me are gathering sides. They seem to take pleasure building alliances to prove I am the only offender in the situation. 

Lately I'm wondering. What do they do when they collect people?   Surely their mask slips around others from the person they present to the world & the angry, fearful person who causes strife & division. Why would anyone feel better seperating a son from his mother?  When I see my husband is acting a lot like his family of origin I suggest he go hang out with his family to give me a break.

This spit with my son has been in progress before he met DIL.  I can not focus blame on her. I believe she is in many ways a willing activist to carry out my sons wishes. My son is 35 yet he blames me for all negative in his life.  He takes credit for all his success as if he conceived, birthed, nursed, educated & raised himself to adulthood.

In danger now ?  I can't say.  She checked herself into hospital over a year ago.  They kept her under psych evauation during the two weeks around her daughter's 1st birthday. I offered to come help my son with his daughter while he was working so he could sort their life out.  They called my husband in instead. 

My son does not talk with me anymore. 

After getting out of hospital they attended counseling.  Again this counsel suggest they seperate.   Every time a counselor seggests a divorce they dump that couselor & my son gets busy with his career so he doesn't find time to go. 

At first it was really a mind chaos when this began happening that I was being excluded. What did I do that is unforgivable terrible ? Doesn't he or his wife remember any of the loving things I've done?  How could I have devoted 30 plus years as a mom to my son then he rejects me ?  Why is he having children of his own ?  Don't they expect this dysfunctional behavior will carry into their family if we can't find some civil ways to dialogue ? 

I have no hope or desire to get my relationship back with my son the way it was.  Five years out in this nightmare I would be happy with an occasional visit where we each set up boundaries of respect to all parties concerned.


Details of back story seen pointless.  I've chewed on these events long enough.  I'm a forgive & move along kind of person.  Evidently I'm in relationship with people who want justice for wrong doing & I am the one who is going to pay.

I can see that this situation is not limited to me. 

[Notwendy]

You may or you may not. What I have read/heard in these situations is to let your son know you love him unconditionally and say nothing negative about his wife. Just " I am here if you need me" and leave it at that.

He is between a rock and a hard place and struggling with a choice that sadly, he probably never imagined and that only he can get himself out of, if he chooses. That does not mean he doesn't love you, in fact, that decision might weigh on him heavily, but he is likely feeling he has no choice.

A long term perspective, that I only recently knew about, is that this is what happened with my father's family. My mother dislikes them, probably because they were on to her right away. Her own FOO insists she is normal and there is nothing wrong with her. Anyone who considers that is expelled from their circle.

Growing up, we lived a distance from my father's family. What I recently learned is that after he married my mother, he had little contact with them. I can not even bear to imagine the heartbreak my grandmother must have felt.

But this changed as we kids got older. Mom didn't like parenting older kids, and so Dad had to give her a break from us. She also painted me black. So, to give mom a break- Dad sent us to his family. They loved it and so did we.

Babies are cute, but at some point, kids assert themselves and that is when there is friction between them and parents with PD's. At this point, their mother may not mind sending them somewhere to stay for a while- and that might be their father's family. My mother's FOO was not interested in having us stay with them.

Fast forward- my kids are older and they are now more bonded to my father's side of the family than my mother's, probably because I am closer to them, and also because my kids are more comfortable with them.

From what I know, if you say anything negative about the wife, then you will be out of the picture,  but accepting your son, and her, if at all possible may leave an opening in that door.

[Notwendy]

Lately I'm wondering. What do they do when they collect people?   Surely their mask slips around others from the person they present to the world & the angry, fearful person who causes strife & division. Why would anyone feel better seperating a son from his mother?  When I see my husband is acting a lot like his family of origin I suggest he go hang out with his family to give me a break.


Because they do this. Drama is what makes their relationships feel more stable to them, and if they grow up in drama, then this is all they know how to do.

The lessons here on this board- to the right, are very helpful. It is particularly helpful to see where you ( all of us do this) add to the drama in any way. If you have stepped into this as a rescuer to your son, then you will be perceived as a persecutor by the wife, your son will likely step in to rescue her, and the two will bond with you out. Having a common person to be angry at keeps the focus off of them. My parents (mom with BPD) did this even with us kids. I know it is unimaginable that they would do this with their own mother, but if my parents could do this with their own children, then anyone can be perceived as a common threat to them.

Self care is important. I know it has to be hard, but the more you can focus on your own life, your own emotional growth ,and not react to their issues, the better things may potentially be. There is no telling what your son will choose, but you will feel better regardless even though I understand that this is a hurt that really persists.

I would also suggest counseling. We, here, are only lay people. A professional therapist who has dealt in this could be a great source of support and advice.