acting vs reacting

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 

I was raised by a BPD father/lawyer, who passed away in 2008. He was verbally abusive and suspicious and paranoid. I was always perceived as disrespecting him, and of being untrustworthy.  He demanded to be the center of my universe, and it was honestly a relief when he passed away.

I thought I would feel better without having to care for the man who never cared for me.

I didn't.

Now, I am dealing at long last with marriage issues.  I married a man (almost 30 years ago) with intense emotional pain from his childhood. Seemed normal enough to me, right?

After too many years of fighting and conflict, we have been in marriage counseling for 18 mos... .working on (among other things) my codependency and his feelings of being a victim.

Marriage therapy has helped many issues -- husband is conquering dependency/abandonment issues from alcoholic upbringing. I'm rather shocked and amazed at his progress.

But dammit, I'm not conquering the fear of needing to fend off some impending crisis, outrage, or other relationship disaster. That was my norm for 50 years... .first dad, then spouse.

In short, I have discovered that I only know how to react to chaos around me. Constant chaos. I have reacted instead of acting, my entire life. I have survived, not thrived.

I don't know how to take care of myself, how to plot my day/week/life. I teach school, always reacting to the needs of my students. My own two teenagers are happy, reasonably well-adjusted kiddos, but I tend to hold my breath to see what crises I may need to respond to in their lives. I am a woman of faith, but I struggle to rest and trust in God, always seeing a shadow of my father in how I relate to my spiritual life.

Now that my husband is emerging from his own tendency to panic and overreact to circumstances that (used to) throw him back into the abandonment feelings of his own upbringing, things are calmer around here. It's weird.

And I'm a mess. I've never lived without the most important man in my life constantly going from one emotional crisis to the next, either blaming me for his problems, or demanding that I help him not feel the full brunt of the crisis by functioning as therapist/confidante/parent.

I need to deal with my own wreckage... .I've used husband's wreckage to not have to focus on myself.

Appreciate any feedback.

[schlo]

 

I was raised by a BPD father/lawyer, who passed away in 2008. He was verbally abusive and suspicious and paranoid. I was always perceived as disrespecting him, and of being untrustworthy.  He demanded to be the center of my universe, and it was honestly a relief when he passed away.

I thought I would feel better without having to care for the man who never cared for me.

I didn't.

Now, I am dealing at long last with marriage issues.  I married a man (almost 30 years ago) with intense emotional pain from his childhood. Seemed normal enough to me, right?

After too many years of fighting and conflict, we have been in marriage counseling for 18 mos... .working on (among other things) my codependency and his feelings of being a victim.

Marriage therapy has helped many issues -- husband is conquering dependency/abandonment issues from alcoholic upbringing. I'm rather shocked and amazed at his progress.

But dammit, I'm not conquering the fear of needing to fend off some impending crisis, outrage, or other relationship disaster. That was my norm for 50 years... .first dad, then spouse.

In short, I have discovered that I only know how to react to chaos around me. Constant chaos. I have reacted instead of acting, my entire life. I have survived, not thrived.

I don't know how to take care of myself, how to plot my day/week/life. I teach school, always reacting to the needs of my students. My own two teenagers are happy, reasonably well-adjusted kiddos, but I tend to hold my breath to see what crises I may need to respond to in their lives. I am a woman of faith, but I struggle to rest and trust in God, always seeing a shadow of my father in how I relate to my spiritual life.

Now that my husband is emerging from his own tendency to panic and overreact to circumstances that (used to) throw him back into the abandonment feelings of his own upbringing, things are calmer around here. It's weird.

And I'm a mess. I've never lived without the most important man in my life constantly going from one emotional crisis to the next, either blaming me for his problems, or demanding that I help him not feel the full brunt of the crisis by functioning as therapist/confidante/parent.

I need to deal with my own wreckage... .I've used husband's wreckage to not have to focus on myself.

Appreciate any feedback.

[Turkish]

Hi schlo,



Many members here find themselves having chosen mates due to the familiarity of their relationships with parents with BPD (or some other mental illness), unknowingly... .until we may land here. I ended up on Coping and Healing many months after my r/s ended with the mother of my children, when I started to look back at my childhood with my mother. "You don't know what you don't know." Until you know 

Processing the r/s with your father in the past is good, necessary, and it will gain you wisdom in your marriage.

It sounds like the pressing issues, however, are the ones concerning your relationship in the here and now. It sounds like your H has made some progress, and this is positive for both of you. You may want to post specific r/s questions on the Improving Board, where members can support you.

You sound haunted by your relationship with your father, and things that can't be resolved with him still here. That doesn't mean than they aren't resolvable.

I thought I would feel better without having to care for the man who never cared for me.

This is like a sucker-punch, no? I only realized this after my Ex started leaving me, one only after 6 years (despite two kids), not thirty.

Most? All? Of us here are neglected children in various ways. So, too, are the pwBPD in our lives. We each cope in our own ways. Some BPD or NPD-like; others, "Rescuers" or in the extreme, co-dependents.

It's never to late to heal, though. Reaching out to a support group is an important and significant first step.

What's your deeoest pain, schlo, with regards to your father?

Turkish

[schlo]

Hi Turkish--

Your thoughtful response means a great deal. Your quote at the end about valuing yourself is the axle upon which all of this spins.

My therapist made the observation that my father chose me, like a wild cat hunting that one single Deer in the herd, day after day, hour after hour, to rain down his rage and chaos upon. My mother allowed it to happen, never protecting me.  Hearing him arrive home from work every day was the sound of impending doom. Always in trouble for imperfect execution of my chores, I always wound up on the witness stand (so to speak) for insubordination and disrespect of his authority and rule. Lack of eye contact could be the trigger, or too much eye contact could be the trigger. Anything could be the trigger. I was doomed. He often spanked me violently, although that did stop before age 8, seeming to coincide with the birth of my brother.

No one else in the family got even a percentage of the wrath he visited upon me.

From age 5 or so, until he developed dementia & cancer (age 36 for me, 66 for him) this continued in one way or another. With onset of dramatic health changes, he manufactured a revised history of our relationship, glowing to nurses and others about how I was the perfect child, and of all the people in his life, I was the only one who stood by him and "we never once fought."



At the end of his life, he was completely dependent on me, body and soul, for 6 years or so. (My mother passed many years before, so I became the primary caregiver.)

My only value to him prior to dementia was like i was his rage prostitute. He could say or do anything to me, and that was my value to him: a repository for his rage and tyranny.

I chose that in a spouse ( until recent changes).  I was my husband's daily dump.  I could sense the gathering storm, I would tend to him & try to buffer and fix until he calmed down, and then he felt better and I felt like crap.

Now I have gone almost 90 days without a daily storm since my husband has had a breakthrough.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I feel so adrift with my daily dose of "other-chaos."

I find myself actually dealing with issues of my own in therapy that I desperately need to tend to.

But I feel value- less. My only value EVER has seemed to be in how I help others deal with chaos.

Maybe I'm supposed to view the "lost child" version of me as the one whom I am supposed to rescue now.  She is in pretty pitiful shape, after all.

Thanks for the opportunity to dump all of this here. The holiday break is a big emotional challenge. No current conflicts and actually enjoying pleasant times with all of my family has given me constant vertigo and panic.

I'm used to dodging tornadoes instead.

Schlo

[schlo]

As I read back on my reply, 2 things occurred to me about the physical abuse:

1. When my father stopped the violent spakings, he completely ceased all my spanking. (Who knows, maybe my mother did intervene... .)

2. When he stopped speaking me, his verbal rage toward me grew exponentially. Sort of the Law of Conservation of Abuse, to steal from laws of physical science. Abuse is not destroyed or lost, only converted into a different form of energy.

Musings completed for now.

Schlo

[Pina colada]

such does it help to write about your childhood here?  Aloft of us have similar stories.  I know how it is when the chaos is removed... .I do want to say that you are a teacher.  How wonderful!  You help children or young adults every day!  I hope you continue to heal and focus on yourself.  I hope you know it is possible to feel like you have a purpose.  Even without fixing everybody's life.  Again, you are a teacher... .the best profession... .you make the difference in the life of a child!

[schlo]

Hi Pina Colada--

It does help to dialogue & open up about my childhood... .It's nice to find a community to feel like I'm not a lone stranger in the world.

My dad was so respected  that I really can't tell anyone my experience... .I live in the small town I grew up in.

That being said, teaching is wonderful. I do love it, and I'm good at it.  (Responding to others needs... .yay! It's a career!)

Thanks to the nice folks who chat with me about these things!

[Turkish]

There is data to support the fact that emotional abuse may be more damaging in the long-term. Here is an article which compares physical vs. sexual abuse. I think it may apply to non-sexual physical abuse as well:

www.nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/10/emotional-abuse-can-be-as-damaging-as-sex-abuse.html

Sure, being slapped, developling a flinching reaction in anticipation of being slapped (Which often got me slapped, "if you act like you're going get hit, you will be!" affected me. I was spanked at first by hand, "if it hurts me, I know I'm doing it too hard," my mother would explain. It lar graduated to the belt, because as I grew, it probably hurt her (I knew better than to ask). As a teen, it was the smacking, and sometimes having heavy object thrown, which I could dodge. It was the '80s, and I was a ninja, after all  I was kicked once, after I held both of her arms to keep her from smacking me (which legally might have landed me in jail for DV, if she were a romantic partner.

My only value EVER has seemed to be in how I help others deal with chaos.

I saw my T the other day, mostly to talk about my mom recently moving in with me and how it was going. He always asks, "so what are you doing for you?" I wish I had an answer... .so I'll ask, "what are you doing for you, schlo?" 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Schlo!   Welcome to our community!

I'm so thankful that you have come to join us fellow sojourners! Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story with us. My heart aches for the pain and difficulties you are feeling now and have been in the past few months. It is quite disconcerting to feel as if you are drifting, lost at sea.

A bit of my story... .I had an uBPDm who passed away 3 years ago. I had no idea how much I would still have to deal with after she died. The pain certainly didn't go away for me either. My nonBPDd passed away in August this year. Like you, I have been married for 31 years, and my DH exhibits traits so much like my uBPDm. I didn't recognize that my marriage and my childhood were so intertwined until a good deal of time into T. I originally started T to help me learn how I could make changes to help me deal with DH and marriage issues, with the side thought that someday maybe I should take a look at my childhood. Lttle did I know how connected the two were. Now I know.

I'm glad that you have been in T, and I certainly understand that lostness when the bottom has dropped out from under you, and your source of identity is rocky and there is no firm ground under your feet. Some of my first months in T felt like that, and I recall telling my T how scared I was because there was nothing. I was afraid, terrified in fact. Who was I? Would I ever figure it out? It has gotten better, and I am so thankful. It takes time though.

You are brave to be on this journey for it isn't for the fainthearted.  I can tell you strongly desire to be whole. Good for you! These are the traits us children of pwBPD have used to survive. Be kind to yourself. How many times I have heard this from my T, but it is so true. Have patience with yourself as best you can, and as you work on YOU and take baby steps, you will grow.   Keep posting!


Wools

[schlo]

Thanks Wools!

It's such a relief to see my story mirrored in various ways in other people.

I struggle with self-care as if it will cost me my life to be kind to myself.

I feel like a kindergartner facing an adult world.

Now that husband has emerged on the other side of his struggle, now I'm the self-absorbed one, thinking about how lost I am, how I can't handle the calm.

Then I feel awful for feeling bad... .this is what I've always wanted! NonBPD H & I aren't fighting anymore, BPDdad is resting in peace, and now I can determine my own destiny.  Except I don't... .Ive always reacted to crises around me, I've never ever ever ever acted & chosen my path for myself.

Why is it so hard to be nice to myself?

Thanks for feedback & dialogue, shout out to you, too, Turkish!

Schlo

[Woolspinner2000]

I think it can be helpful to step back and turn your eyes from the big overwhelming picture  to something that you can handle. Over and over you will read from the posts here that our struggle is similar to yours. I raise my hand and say that I still have continual crisis in my life even this very day. An extra hug for you today to let you know that I care.

I feel like a kindergartner facing an adult world.

Then I feel awful for feeling bad... .this is what I've always wanted!

What you describe are such normal feelings for children of a pwBPD. Can you tell yourself that it is okay you feel this way? Learning to define and understand what feelings are  probably was one of my very first baby steps. It is okay that you feel this way that you describe here. What other feelings have you been able to identify, if any, in yourself?

I've never ever ever ever acted & chosen my path for myself.

Why is it so hard to be nice to myself?

It is soo hard, isn't it? I wish you didn't have to struggle with this too. Since we worked so hard at taking care of everyone else's needs, we were never given the priveledge or luxury of taking care of our own. It is a skill that you will learn, a gradual process that will come. Let's consider one tiny but huge step for you that may bring some time to be nice to yourself today. Can you tell yourself that it is okay and perfectly normal that you struggle with being nice to yourself? Try reminding yourself of this each time the thought of your struggle comes to mind. Over and over tell yourself it is okay and normal. Thus you actually will be being nice to yourself!   

Do you meet with a T by yourself or just as a married couple?

Have you read any books or material that have been helpful to you as you explore BPD?


Wools

[unicorn2014]

Well, one perspective I can offer, if I may, is at least you've had 50 years of relationship consistency, as dysfunctional as it may have been.

I had to move out when I was 18, met my ex husband when I was 20, divorced him when I was 29.

I personally wish I had 50 years of relationship consistency.

I am glad that you and your husband are in MC together.