Everything hurts

[cloudten]

So everythings hurts. I have been doing lots of work on myself and my own issues... .i thought I was making progress but tonight realize that maybe i haven't. 

I just had my first date in 11 week since the restraining  order and NC.

It was amazing.

And then i cried all the way home and am crying now.

I cried all the way home because I simply feel like i belong to my estranged pwBPD. I feel like i am cheating on him even though he moved on many weeks ago. I feel like i belong to him. What the hell is wrong with me?

[unicorn2014]

You know its ok to not be ready to date yet. I once heard that it takes half the amount of the relationship time to get over the relationship. How long was your relationship?

[Trip09]

I know what mean and how you feel... The first date I had after my exBPD, I was a mess when I got home... The date was fine and she was a nice girl but I wasn't there.

Like myself, you may just require more time. There is no time limit as to when you should date again. Just believe you will know and that it will come when the universe and yourself agree. It seems as though like most of us here there are still wounds that need to heal, but in the end, believe that this pain does favor the brave.

Although I don't know you and these are just words on your screen, know it's ok, there is nothing and I mean nothing wrong with you. Remember that someone out in the big world understands you and can help burden your pain.  You're are not alone

[VitaminC]

Cloudten,

me too. I don't know you either, but I think I know your pain and feel for you. You're absolutely normal!

Attached, loving, emotionally engaged and sound - human. It's ok to feel as you do. Don't despair, just ride it out, breathe (as they say), remember why you're not there anymore, remember the positives of your life now, and trust that the feelings you have now will wane. They will.

Be ok, you WILL be ok. Pain is ok too sometimes, it means you're alive.

[Mutt]

Hi cloudten,

I have been doing lots of work on myself

It sounds like your goal is to move on. Did you want to go out on this date? That's good news that it went well. It sounds like you enjoyed yourself.

Do you feel guilty because of your ex? I recall the first date I went on after a year and a half. I felt guilty because I felt like I was cheating on my ex wife. My ex wife was in a committed relationship with someone else. I wasn't ready to date at the time. It was a good experience though with getting out again and meeting someone new.

[thisworld]

This used to happen to me when I first started working on my FOO origin issues. I would feel so lonely, so truly lonely that even a bad relationship with a loved one felt safe. Working on FOO issues means grieving in its own way, I had to grieve that my narcissistic mother would never never never be able to provide the empathy and recognition I so badly wanted. It was a heavy feeling, worse than what I felt when my father had died. Anything feels like a safe haven sometimes.

What exactly do you mean by belonging to someone?

[cloudten]

Yes, I feel like I am cheating on my BPDx who tried to kill me. We were on and off over 3 years... .the longest we were together was a year... The subsequent recycles were so turbulent I can't even put time frames on them... .but from meeting him to the restraining order was exactly 3 years.  In our off times I dated other people and worked on myself.

Okay- so the date last night was amazing. He was amazing. He is exactly what I am looking for... .he is healthy, normal, smiles, not afraid to look like he's with me in public... .perfect gentleman. Gorgeous. Good job. The only red flag is that he is still rebuilding his life after a divorce... .his exwife got caught up with a narcissistic manipulator and tried to commit suicide. So, we had some amazing in depth conversation about that. I was hard on him and asked him a lot of tough questions. (I should add that I met him on a dating website... .on that website I laid out exactly what i wanted and what i don't want in a relationship- like painfully honest to the point that I look like a b*tch... .but honestly its to scare away anyone with anxious attachment style- and ITS WORKING - that's the crazy part... .healthy guys aren't scared away!)

So, this new guy is amazing. passed my initial round of questions with flying colors. He still has some stuff to work through... .but he doesn't have a personality disorder as far as I can tell. And, he understands what I have been through.

I'm confused, excited, happy, sad, and scared all at the same time.

Confused: because I don't know if I should be this optimistic about someone I just met... .i am trusting my instincts but still... .

Excited: because he fulfills so many of the things in my list that I am looking for... .I can't even begin to list them out... .but its all there

Sad: because i am moving on from someone I loved so deeply. sad because i feel like I am cheating on my BPDx.

Scared: because this guy is amazing... .i don't want D6 and I to be hurt again

That's where I am at today!  I am proceeding cautiously. I have a couple other dates set up with other people.  I think its a good idea to shop around and not get excited and hung up on one person.  With all the work that I have done on myself, my relationship with my FOO, and with attachment styles... .i really feel like I am okay to move on and date.  It was like what everyone else has said... .i just woke up one morning and realized that I can date again... .but the emotions last night surprised me. I would even go so far to say that I am healthy again... .just like that... .I am mostly healed... .Yay!

I cried for all of those reasons though... .i'm excited, i'm moving on, i met someone amazing, and i think part of it is that i am grieving leaving the BPDx in the past. i miss him... .but i know it would never work.  we were oil and water. I think I was overwhelmed by all the emotions bubbling up.

[thisworld]

Yes, sometimes we have developed a sense of loyalty no matter what has happened. And I think we suffer from a kind of relationship amnesia as well. Once we are in NC, our memory starts erasing some bad memories.

One question about online dating: If we put all our expectations, what we like, what we don't like, doesn't it become easier for others to mirror us? (I'm struggling with this myself, how much to open myself etc, so I'll appreciate your comments if you have the time.)

[Mutt]

cloudten,

You can work on your personal stuff in a new relationship. He could work on his personal stuff in a relationship too. I think that we would be hard pressed to find someone with no emotional baggage   Boundaries will help protect you. Are you scared that he's going to treat you like your ex when you're worried about you and your D?

[unicorn2014]

Cloud ten, I assume you have shared custody of your D6 with your ex. Is this correct?

[lovenature]

Working on you can be very tough; sometimes it doesn't seem like you are making progress, but it takes time and any progress toward looking after yourself is good.

Look at why you feel like you belong to him and feel you are cheating on him; I stayed far longer than I should have (and was hooked by idealization) mainly due to my co-dependant fixer/rescuer traits-the FOG was so thick I couldn't see things clearly at all, the more I accepted and tried to show my uBPDexgf she could trust me, the worse things got.

The only way out is through; we all must do what we need to in order to heal. Keep working on you, be realistic, and kind to yourself.

[troisette]

Seven months since official break up, some months of push/pull, three and a half months of strict NC.

Libido has done a runner... .

I met a man six weeks ago. I like him. I am not ready for a relationship. Comparisons, some favourable, some not, with ex. I am maintaining a friendship, I enjoy his company, realise I am not recovered from trauma of ex. And it would not be fair on friend to get involved while I am recovering and in an interregnum state.

I am observant nowadays, watchful for BPD and NPD and anything else, while balancing it with the knowledge that we've all got baggage.

Hoping for better things in the future... .