Stayed for 2 yrs after wife had 6 affairs. Can she ever change? I am near end

[VOASC]

My wife has undiagnosed BPD but she ticks most of the boxes.  For 7.5 yrs she had 6 affairs ranging from one night stands to full-on affairs.   I stayed for the sake of my family unit, but she has an explosive temper and takes every criticism as a personal attack requiring a full-on retaliation.  Her dad was the same as is her sister.  Alcohol was a huge issue due to binge drinking but she and I have stopped drinking.  My major issue is that the verbal abuse that was once reserved only for me is now paid-out on my 15 year old daughter now too.   I think I am wasting the rest of my life on a lost cause.   Anyone in the same boat?  Thank you.

[Concerns]

Hi, VOASC. It sucks. I know. I'm there as we speak. After discovering my wife's latest affair, I really wasn't in the mood to discuss things that day. My son wanted to go play and he will want us as a unit to go. He doesn't like going places by himself with her. When he asked if all three can go, she replied: "well I think your daddy doesnt really want to talk to me or hang out with me right now". Which made him cry of course. I am close to the end as well. Its really just emotional abuse. If she is taking it out on your daughter then you have to take a long look at how well you are serving your child by keeping her in an abusive situation and fodder for your wife's outbursts. I don't say this lightly. I am considering the exact same for mine as I type this.

Very smart people here will talk about creating boundaries and how ultimatums generally don't work. They are correct. Be informed. She has to be the one to change. The affairs are wounds for you. You have to develop a plan for whether this is a real boundary for you. My wife is currently having an affair. My boundaries keep moving and I have to work on this. My big issue is fear-based.

There are a number of books to read as well. So check the reading lists. Def read Splitting by Bill Eddy. Even if you do get divorced, your daughter is old enough at this point to choose who she would like to be with if this is a factor for you. I would even include her in your learning. Learn everything you can. Learn with her because you both have to deal with her. Your relationship with her will benefit as a result.

[VOASC]

Hi, and thanks for your comments and input.   I'm really sorry to find that you are in the same situation as myself.

I kind of know that my pain will never go away as long as I see the cause of my pain every day.  My Daughter has asked me to divorce my wife, which says a lot I suppose.

My wife is definitely a narcissistic personality and has all the hallmarks of BPD.  She has blamed me in the past for her cheating - If you had paid me more attention I would not have done what I did... . She also got drunk and tried to commit suicide by swallowing a load of pills 5 months ago, even though my daughter was in the room next door and would likely have been the one to find her had she succeeded [we were in different rooms that weekend].  Thats on top of my daughter catching my wife in the same bedroom with her last lover when I was away from home working.  She had sex with two of her lovers in our family home, which I find inexcusable, especially as my then 12 year old daughter was home at the time.

I am a bit scared to move on and start again by myself, with all the things that will bring, such as a big mortgage, as I am almost 53 years old.  What is becoming obvious, however, is that where I currently am is not healthy for me, and I suspect 2016 will be the time that my life changes, hopefully for the better.

I hope you make the right decisions for yourself and your child.  Its true what they say, that children would rather be from a broken home than live in one... .