Anyone else have 5 month relapses?

[Thread]

Since the last time July 12, 2015 was my hBPD major rages, dysregulating, emotional unraveling... .Prior to that date it was happening almost weekly. After that date I gave him an ultimatum and had him commit to specific therapy with a borderline professional.

Has anyone else noticed the 5 month relapse? He is in DBT therapy once a week, however even before we were married (before I knew what BPD was) it was always around 5 months when these more unpleasant colors would surface.

I'm afraid it's going back to that dark place I don't want to be again... .Meaning weekly tantrums. I cannot handle another cycle like that.

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[Ceruleanblue]

I do think it's common for lots of PD's to cycle. I was just talking about that with my SIL, who is a physicians assistant. She was saying that my brother in law cycles, and I said so does BPDh! They likely have differing PDs, but it seems they have this in common.

BPDh seems to get super bad a couple months before Christmas, we put in stressful, bad holidays, and in fact, last year he left the marriage at that time. He gets depressed that time of year, and he does go to a very dark place. Everything becomes so negative to him in regards to US, but he starts making excuses for his dysfunctional kids. When he's "healthy" he can see they are trying to control his life, and that some of their actions are just nothing short of mean and toxic(like not letting him see his grandkids).

Like your husband, mine was in DBT therapy weekly, but it didn't seem to do him much good. The place he was going had a huge shakedown, and he's now on a waiting list to get back in. It certainly wasn't the answer to his anger, and blame, and dysregulations that I was hoping for though. Mostly because he is still in lots of denial, and doesn't really want to admit he has any real issues, so he doesn't apply himself to the program.

I'd say they best thing you can do is get in therapy for YOU, to help you through this. We have to try to stay centered in the face of all this, and not get sucked into the highs and lows with them.

[Chilibean13]

Cycling is common. My H's cycle is 3 months. I think we are heading into a good cycle.

[EaglesJuju]

I have noticed a three month cycle with my boyfriend.  I think the holidays trigger his dysregulation.

[storagecold]

I've been going through it for so many years now with uBPDw I could set my watch by it.

There is definitely a monthly cycle where "bad uBPDw" rears her ugly head about four days before her "cycle." Annually, January through March are typically the months where she is sluggish and depressed, then as soon as it warms up, she's busy and marginally happy. That gradually declines until November, when the full-force rages kick in; then, our friend December arrives. If her family is in town, it's horrendous. I've come to hate the holidays and anything associated with them because of it.

[Cat Familiar]

My ex would get horribly depressed around the holidays, peaking on New Year's Eve, which happened to be his birthday. Typically he'd get sick or a terrible headache. Of course he expected me to plan a birthday party for him and on some years I had to entertain everyone while he stayed in bed.

[MaybeSo]

I have done the break up get back together thing on and off for almost 10 years with my (now) ex.

Whenever we get back together, he is in an up cycle,  and I noticed that only lasts for about an average of 4 months.  Sometimes a bit less, or more, but on average it seemed 4 months was always the time when there would be the beginning of a drop in mood, irritable depression, more hypersensitivity etc.

Holidays were always very triggering and difficult, too. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Now that I know more about BPDh's history, I think he did this in his last marriage too. I think the "cycle" lasted longer, but I think it happened there too. I think that relationship wasn't as uncomfortable for him though, as she was very similar to him. I think because I try so hard to be emotionally healthy(this includes working on not being codependent, and staying in therapy for me, and to make sure I handle all this well), it's less comfortable for him. So I get faster "cycles" with him wanting to leave. Plus, he had his kids to give him reason to stay in the sick, dysfunctional soup they created. He thrives on chaos, so it probably felt normal to him, in some ways.

I don't tend to feed that need in the same way, and he knows I'm only going to engage when it's healthy, and I've learned to not be as hurt(although I have my moments). I think this push to be healthy emotionally is a lot for him, and he's much rather just stay the way he is. That was a lot easier with his ex because they played off each other, and he could also be the victim when she stabbed him, or otherwise abused him. He still wishes he'd have pressed charges, but I think he knew if he had, that would have been a game changer?

Even knowing the cycle is coming, it's hard to deal with because he just wants "out" at that time. If it was simply depression or anger, I'd find it much easier to deal with. The constant wanting to run away from me and himself, is much harder. I can try to be steady and loving, and understanding, but during that time, he just wants out... .it's hard.