Ideas for self peace

[Ceruleanblue]

I've decided to really focus on ME, and I need some idea of how to do that. I am already in therapy, and that helps me stay centered, and self focused somewhat. The issue though is when I'm home. I mean, I do have to deal with BPDh, and my daughter. My son, has become a non issue, as we are on very good terms now, and my boundaries with him have been respected. It probably helps that we don't live together.

I've used a lot of not engaging, or walking away, and that helps reduce or avoid conflict at times, but I'm more concerned with my feeling of PEACE. Walking away, or upholding boundaries tends to make me feel off balanced. I guess in a way, it disturbs my feelings of peace.

How do I change that? I feel my best when I'm reading a book, cooking a good dinner, spending time with my kids(if they aren't being testy), or doing something else I enjoy.

How do I get rid of this constant feeling of dread? I try to live in the moment, and have gotten much better at that, but I still sometimes have that niggling feeling of "when is the next demand or blow up going to happen". Even knowing that I'm way stronger in dealing with it all now, I still dread having to.

I'm good at self soothing, and focusing on reassuring or good things, but I guess I just wish I didn't have to do that? If that makes sense?

How do you get to the place where it all just rolls off? Is that even possible?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FoxTail]

My T says it's hard to make the changes at first.  It has a lot to do with the brain and its habit of recognizing patterns.  The brain loves patterns.  We basically have to train ourselves to create new patterns. The bottom line here is you're feeling exactly the way you should in my opinion.  Until your brain accepts these new patterns and realities, you're going to have these unfamiliar feelings or feelings of dread.  It took a very long time to create the patterns we all have - it's going to take time to create NEW patterns.   

[Lou12]

Not sure if I qualify to answer but I did know the feeling of shear dread and I helped manage that my learning more about radical acceptance with a BPD and putting into practice good boundaries with everyone around me. 2 years ago I brushed things under the carpet for peace and after some intense self work I now let very few things slide I am unhappy with.

I am currently in a sort of stand off with my BPD after I enforced a boundary. I am using the time to try and deal with the thought of not having this person in my life forever. Not because I don't want them, very much the opposite but I am convinced that when I am not afraid to spend my life without them then it will help me become a stronger person with even better boundaries.

I also find meditation helps. It's took me a very long time to learn meditation and I am still only managing to grasp it but it makes a massive difference to me. Every time I get that nauseous knot in my tummy I take 20 mins to try and clear my whole mind and think of nothing but quiet. I practice this 3x per day and after a couple of months I realised how much of a difference it makes. Things are starting to roll of my back. I am accepting that I can't change some things regardless of what I do

Hope that helps some x

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I am just really determined to feel better most of the time, and not just some of the time. It's like after a while, it builds up, and I start getting panic attacks. I'll think I'm doing okay, but I think the sudden onset panic attacks are my bodies way of telling me, things aren't as okay as I thought.

I can breathe through and get through the panic attacks, but I want to do whatever I can in my day to day, so I have less of them. I'm where I've chosen to be, and while I sometimes do feel powerless, because I can't change BPDh or my daughter, I'm hoping I can change how I react to it. Not just boundaries. I'd love to get to the point, that it just doesn't hurt or frustrate me so much.

I'm surrounded by moody, angry people, and I guess I feel that I can't ever have "normal" moods myself. I think I need to allow myself that. My period started yesterday, and I'm always more naturally weepy during that time. My Mom always taught me not to take out my moods on people, just because I'm on my period, and I totally agree with that, but I think I've take that MO to the extreme. I mean, if I'm feeling blue, why can't I?

I definitely need to start listening to my body, and honoring it. Last night my neck was so tense, and it actually felt like I had a pinched nerve. I think it was solely due to stress. I'm coming to see that having constant stress is not good for the mind, body, or spirit.

I too am sort of weighing if this is the life I want for the rest of my life. I DO want to stay married, but not in an environment where I'm constantly threatened, and where my basic feelings don't matter.

I guess I have a lot of thinking to do, and lots of work and research to keep myself centered during a high stress time. I've spent a lot of time care taking others I think, and trying to balance self care at the same time, and that has taken a toll. For now, I'm going to do what makes ME happy, take special care of myself, and go to my happy place as often as I can. I can't avoid life or stress, but I can be as caring towards myself as I have been to others.

[storagecold]

I take a 45-minute walk every evening after my kids have settled in and uBPDw is marginally relaxed.

I used to enjoy taking my phone and earphones and listening to some music, but all too often I'd get home and get accused of, "Who were you talking to? Who did you call? Where did you go?" interrogation. Either that or she would text/call 2-3 times when I was out to complain about one thing or another. So I started leaving my phone locked and at home, reminding her that I am NOT taking my phone. That solved the problem.

[Ceruleanblue]

In the summer I go for walks too. I usually take my phone, and catch up on calls. Last summer, he wasn't jealous, so it was good "down time" for me. Right now, walks are too cold here in Michigan, and I'd bet that come spring, he's still going to be doing the jealous thing. I get the interrogations too. I do however have time to call or text people when he's at work.

I also find that walking really makes me feel emotionally better. Probably all the endorphins that are released? A stranger walking past me, offering a smile, can really change the tone of my whole day. I try hard to take pleasure in the small things. I try to notice the small things.

[storagecold]

In the summer I go for walks too. I usually take my phone, and catch up on calls. Last summer, he wasn't jealous, so it was good "down time" for me. Right now, walks are too cold here in Michigan, and I'd bet that come spring, he's still going to be doing the jealous thing. I get the interrogations too. I do however have time to call or text people when he's at work.

I also find that walking really makes me feel emotionally better. Probably all the endorphins that are released? A stranger walking past me, offering a smile, can really change the tone of my whole day. I try hard to take pleasure in the small things. I try to notice the small things.

Same reason here. Good for you. Keep it up!

I also try to plan stuff around time that I'm in the car (sounds pathetic, doesn't it?) -- like catching up on podcasts, etc., or going somewhere off the path just to see something new. Last week I stopped at a state park and wandered around for an hour. It really did me a lot of good. She also never bothers me if I'm working in the yard, so I can spend a half-day outside just working on the hedges and flower beds. It works wonders.

You asked, "How do I get rid of this constant feeling of dread?"

I wish I could answer that. The only way I can deal with it is just wake up every day expecting the worst, and being surprised when it doesn't go as badly as I expect. But you have to get a good balance of "normal" -- such as being around "regular" people -- to give you less of a chance for the intense self-doubt we can feel around BPD folks.

[waverider]

The difference between thrive and survive is whether you lead a reactive life or a proactive live.

If your time out is in response to an overload or need to "escape' it doesn't have the same quality of time out that is a priority of its own.

For me things changed when i got a kayak and went fishing. This is dependent on weather conditions and other factors so it forces its own priority time slots. ie preplanning. It became a structural element in my life's routine, not just a tag on bit for use like a first aid kid.

Of course doing this means putting things directly before your partners perceived needs which will cause drama, but you just have to push through that. In part fitting around them all the time makes all your interests seem secondary. Thats not by accident either, they will try to make it so, that way they can be seen as generous by "allowing" you to do these things.

[storagecold]

Of course doing this means putting things directly before your partners perceived needs which will cause drama, but you just have to push through that. In part fitting around them all the time makes all your interests seem secondary. Thats not by accident either, they will try to make it so, that way they can be seen as generous by "allowing" you to do these things.

I've done that for a long time, but here is my question -- my uBPDw has no friends, and does nothing but take care of our kids. When she's not doing something for the children, she is either watching television, sleeping, or complaining about how she has "no life" and that her life "didn't turn out the way she thought it was going to." She does nothing for herself, ever, despite encouragement from me. And she blames me for everything that is wrong with her life. Of course, I know otherwise -- but what is the response to this?

[waverider]

Of course doing this means putting things directly before your partners perceived needs which will cause drama, but you just have to push through that. In part fitting around them all the time makes all your interests seem secondary. Thats not by accident either, they will try to make it so, that way they can be seen as generous by "allowing" you to do these things.

I've done that for a long time, but here is my question -- my uBPDw has no friends, and does nothing but take care of our kids. When she's not doing something for the children, she is either watching television, sleeping, or complaining about how she has "no life" and that her life "didn't turn out the way she thought it was going to." She does nothing for herself, ever, despite encouragement from me. And she blames me for everything that is wrong with her life. Of course, I know otherwise -- but what is the response to this?

My wife does nothing either

"What would you like to do with your life that you are not doing now? How do you think you could change that?"

You enjoying your life will create the contrast that makes her feel like a bigger failure. If you did nothing, then it normalizes "nothing" which is validating to her. This is an indirect way of 'validating the invalid" (making the unacceptable ok)

You can't fix her lack of effort, only put the problem back in her court in a supportive way. Dont allow yourself to be guilted into compromising your own life.

I crippled my life for many years trying to over rescue. I cant get those years back

[storagecold]

Of course doing this means putting things directly before your partners perceived needs which will cause drama, but you just have to push through that. In part fitting around them all the time makes all your interests seem secondary. Thats not by accident either, they will try to make it so, that way they can be seen as generous by "allowing" you to do these things.

I've done that for a long time, but here is my question -- my uBPDw has no friends, and does nothing but take care of our kids. When she's not doing something for the children, she is either watching television, sleeping, or complaining about how she has "no life" and that her life "didn't turn out the way she thought it was going to." She does nothing for herself, ever, despite encouragement from me. And she blames me for everything that is wrong with her life. Of course, I know otherwise -- but what is the response to this?

My wife does nothing either

"What would you like to do with your life that you are not doing now? How do you think you could change that?"

You enjoying your life will create the contrast that makes her feel like a bigger failure. If you did nothing, then it normalizes "nothing" which is validating to her. This is an indirect way of 'validating the invalid" (making the unacceptable ok)

You can't fix her lack of effort, only put the problem back in her court in a supportive way. Dont allow yourself to be guilted into compromising your own life.

I crippled my life for many years trying to over rescue. I cant get those years back

Thanks for the sage advice. It helps to hear there are others who have gone through it every now and then.

Her worst problem is her crippling need to dwell on the past. She has inherited that from a long line of people who felt they were cheated, taken advantage of, wronged, and underappreciated. When it wasn't me who had caused her great harm, it was some other person. Now she has pulled all of her family enablers into thinking that I alone have "ruined her life."

[Icthelight]

my uBPDw has no friends, and does nothing but take care of our kids. When she's not doing something for the children, she is either watching television, sleeping, or complaining about how she has "no life" and that her life "didn't turn out the way she thought it was going to."

Kind of similar to my uBPDw. My wife stays home with our 16 year old D (we home school). My W goes to bed past 4:00 am and does not come out of the bedroom before 11:00 am, daily. This has been the case for many years. In addition to not being motivated to do much around the house or outside, she's constantly complaining that something hurts or is wrong with her. I'm so tired of the "my back hurts, I need to lay down and rest."

This is starting to bother me less as I am slowly shifting the focus off of her, to improving and taking care of me. Also, understanding that she may suffer from BPD has given me a new perspective. I used to think that she was just plain lazy and unmotivated. Plus, her negativity and cruel remarks made things worse for me. I still don't like what I see and experience many times, but I now have a possible explanation as to why she may be behaving the way she does.

Not JADEing and validating often is working. Not feeling like I have to explain every detail as to why I don't want to do what she wants or agree with her is liberating. It's a process, but the more I focus on what I have control over and what I can change, the more relaxed I feel.

And she blames me for everything that is wrong with her life. Of course, I know otherwise -- but what is the response to this?

The key here is that you know otherwise. Validate her feelings briefly and then excuse yourself. I used to feel like I had to sit there and listen for as long as it took her to unload on me. I don't do that anymore. If I sense she's moody and things can turn south quickly, I disengage. It's really helped that I've told her that I need breaks when we talk because "I" begin to feel frustrated and careless with my words. She doesn't like the breaks, but lets me go because I can be very moody myself  . Also, the more you try to not take things personally, the easier it becomes.

During arguments, I distract myself by reminding myself, "BPD, BPD, BPD." I know, kind of silly, but it allows me to remain calm until it's time to disengage. Whatever works.

[storagecold]

my uBPDw has no friends, and does nothing but take care of our kids. When she's not doing something for the children, she is either watching television, sleeping, or complaining about how she has "no life" and that her life "didn't turn out the way she thought it was going to."

Kind of similar to my uBPDw. My wife stays home with our 16 year old D (we home school). My W goes to bed past 4:00 am and does not come out of the bedroom before 11:00 am, daily. This has been the case for many years. In addition to not being motivated to do much around the house or outside, she's constantly complaining that something hurts or is wrong with her. I'm so tired of the "my back hurts, I need to lay down and rest."

This is starting to bother me less as I am slowly shifting the focus off of her, to improving and taking care of me. Also, understanding that she may suffer from BPD has given me a new perspective. I used to think that she was just plain lazy and unmotivated. Plus, her negativity and cruel remarks made things worse for me. I still don't like what I see and experience many times, but I now have a possible explanation as to why she may be behaving the way she does.

Not JADEing and validating often is working. Not feeling like I have to explain every detail as to why I don't want to do what she wants or agree with her is liberating. It's a process, but the more I focus on what I have control over and what I can change, the more relaxed I feel.

And she blames me for everything that is wrong with her life. Of course, I know otherwise -- but what is the response to this?

The key here is that you know otherwise. Validate her feelings briefly and then excuse yourself. I used to feel like I had to sit there and listen for as long as it took her to unload on me. I don't do that anymore. If I sense she's moody and things can turn south quickly, I disengage. It's really helped that I've told her that I need breaks when we talk because "I" begin to feel frustrated and careless with my words. She doesn't like the breaks, but lets me go because I can be very moody myself  . Also, the more you try to not take things personally, the easier it becomes.

During arguments, I distract myself by reminding myself, "BPD, BPD, BPD." I know, kind of silly, but it allows me to remain calm until it's time to disengage. Whatever works.

Nearly the same situation with me. We also have a home-schooled child.

I had forgot to bring up the "aches and pains" problem. Every January, without fail, uBPDw develops some imaginary life-threatening illness. She has been through countless tests, neurologists, etc. and none of them ever turn up anything. One doctor even said it may be linked to depression; after taking medication for a while (which made a HUGE difference), she stopped taking it because she didn't like "being drugged." She refuses to go for any more psychiatric counseling because, she says, she's "not crazy." When I go out of my way to try to help her, she tells me to get away. When I just ignore her, she says I don't care and never have.

[Ceruleanblue]

Today, I really needed some of this advice, but wasn't able to put it to much use because he's home. He took a week off, and last night he was apologizing for how he's treated me for years, owning up, saying he'd work on "changing"(although I didn't ask him to), telling me my feelings DO matter(his actions prove otherwise, and he still sometimes outright tells me my feelings/opinions don't matter to him). I thought he had a realization last night. I thought he really had a breakthrough, and that it would be hard for him, but things might get some better/easier for him. I feel really, really stupid for believing he meant what he said, but maybe he meant it at the time? Rubber meets the road: I ask for something(removing window tint that makes me claustrophobic, and I can't see out), and he gets angry and wants what HE wants: ie black window tint. He just can't compromise, or take my feelings into consideration? Can't or won't, I don't know. I do feel stupid for believing him.

After his apologies and promises yesterday, he got super mad at me today for mentioning his new car I wasn't allowed to help pick out, the window tint is so dark(and illegal), that I can't see out. He blew up and me, and then more threats ensued. All because I stated I wish my feelings and concerns mattered to him, and that I was disappointed that his promises of yesterday didn't even last a day. He flat out told me I don't have a voice in this relationship. Who says that? Is he trying to drive me away? He asked me to leave, go somewhere else of today, New Years Eve day. I refused. I'm not letting him drive me from my home.

Most times I could take a walk, but it's freezing here in Michigan. I have taken moments to myself, but after he "allowed" me to stay, he's been very hovering of me. Push/pull. He went from an immense high yesterday, to crashing today.

Trying to stay level, and my usual coping techniques are harder to enact with him home. Ideas for ways to deal with ME time when he's home? Especially this week he has off. He got mad at me too while watching a movie, and shut it off and refused to watch it. I wasn't being attentive enough to the movie he said. I apologized(I know I shouldn't have, but wasn't up to the fight), tried to be conciliatory, tell him I'd be more attentive, but he was in "punish" me mode. Funny thing is, I hate sci fi, and was only watching it because it makes him happy. He's seen the latest Star Wars twice, but I have yet to see the Whale movie I wanted to see. HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM... .

I need to keep my sanity this week, and with him here, and dsyregulated, that's going to be harder. Ideas welcome.

Happy New Year to Everyone.  

[flowerpath]

How do you get to the place where it all just rolls off? Is that even possible?

, Ceruleanblue.  It sounds like you have your hands full.  I remember last winter here when leaving the house as a boundary was not a fun option. 

For me, I think I would be fooling myself if I thought it all just rolls off.  Some of this stuff is way beyond it just rolling off.

Considering how much of this is protecting ourselves from the disorder, getting into the habit of not being surprised by anything that's said or done and then trying to respond with a good tool is about as close as I can get to letting it roll off. 

I've always had creative hobbies that I've enjoy, but I started doing something brand new, learning a different language, just because I want to.  (Lots of free resources online!)  It's been a happy turning point for me and gives me something to look forward to.  It's self-reinforcing, has opened up a whole new interesting world, and there's a possibility that I can use it to do something different with my life in the future. 

Although I didn't do it as a response to the BPD, it's really been a nice distractor!

My h got his negative jabs in about it three different times, but somehow my response on the third time made a difference, and he hasn't bothered me about it since. 

[flowerpath]

... .but I have yet to see the Whale movie I wanted to see. HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM... .

Years ago, I stopped watching TV because of the way my h whined and complained every time I watched something he wasn't interested in.  He would ask for the remote during commercials, wouldn't change the channel back in time, and I'd miss what happened next. 

We've always had only one TV.  I didn't like most of the shows he watched (too much gory stuff for me), and really didn't enjoy sitting there while he flipped back and forth between channels. So even though I hadn't been a really big reader of books, I checked out books from the library, and started reading in a different room.  I read fiction and nonfiction - lots of nonfiction - and that ended up being a very positive thing for me.  I grew in a lot of ways because of it, and ended up not missing TV at all. 

Things are different now since I have a computer and can watch movies that I like online or on DVD.

[storagecold]

Today, I really needed some of this advice, but wasn't able to put it to much use because he's home. He took a week off, and last night he was apologizing for how he's treated me for years, owning up, saying he'd work on "changing"(although I didn't ask him to), telling me my feelings DO matter(his actions prove otherwise, and he still sometimes outright tells me my feelings/opinions don't matter to him). I thought he had a realization last night. I thought he really had a breakthrough, and that it would be hard for him, but things might get some better/easier for him. I feel really, really stupid for believing he meant what he said, but maybe he meant it at the time? Rubber meets the road: I ask for something(removing window tint that makes me claustrophobic, and I can't see out), and he gets angry and wants what HE wants: ie black window tint. He just can't compromise, or take my feelings into consideration? Can't or won't, I don't know. I do feel stupid for believing him.

After his apologies and promises yesterday, he got super mad at me today for mentioning his new car I wasn't allowed to help pick out, the window tint is so dark(and illegal), that I can't see out. He blew up and me, and then more threats ensued. All because I stated I wish my feelings and concerns mattered to him, and that I was disappointed that his promises of yesterday didn't even last a day. He flat out told me I don't have a voice in this relationship. Who says that? Is he trying to drive me away? He asked me to leave, go somewhere else of today, New Years Eve day. I refused. I'm not letting him drive me from my home.

Most times I could take a walk, but it's freezing here in Michigan. I have taken moments to myself, but after he "allowed" me to stay, he's been very hovering of me. Push/pull. He went from an immense high yesterday, to crashing today.

Trying to stay level, and my usual coping techniques are harder to enact with him home. Ideas for ways to deal with ME time when he's home? Especially this week he has off. He got mad at me too while watching a movie, and shut it off and refused to watch it. I wasn't being attentive enough to the movie he said. I apologized(I know I shouldn't have, but wasn't up to the fight), tried to be conciliatory, tell him I'd be more attentive, but he was in "punish" me mode. Funny thing is, I hate sci fi, and was only watching it because it makes him happy. He's seen the latest Star Wars twice, but I have yet to see the Whale movie I wanted to see. HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM... .

I need to keep my sanity this week, and with him here, and dsyregulated, that's going to be harder. Ideas welcome.

Happy New Year to Everyone.  

Same to you. Hang in there. Ironically enough, I wanted to see that whale movie too, but it was vetoed.

Back with more soon--