Polarity Response

[Cat Familiar]

I stumbled upon a technique by accident that might come in handy for some of you. My husband and his sister were tracking down ingredients for a recipe she was planning on making for us the last day of her visit. He called from the store and asked if we had any almonds. I was making some toast when he called and as I checked the freezer side of the refrigerator, I came across an expensive opened bottle of wine that he had left in the freezer that was dripping frozen glops of wine upon the shelves, soon to land upon the kitchen floor.

Meanwhile the homemade bread that I had started toasting was beginning to burn. So I quickly excused myself from the call after answering in the affirmative that yes, indeed, we had almonds and now I had to clean up the wine mess.

His drinking has been a problem area between us, as well as him leaving messes while he was drunk. When he returned home later and was very cold and hostile to me, I made an apology for being short on the phone and explained that I wanted to corral the mess before it dripped on the floor and simultaneously my toast was burning. (I know JADEing.)

So, apology or not, he was grumpy and shut down for the rest of the day and on into the next day. He definitely has issues with his sister and had hoped that discussing family dynamics with her would help bring a resolution of differences. Instead, his sister talked about her experience with their nasty narcissistic dad and he didn't get the idea that she understood how bad his experience was.

A couple of days later after she returned home, he talked about what a terrible day he had--shopping with her, feeling unappreciated for all that he did to "entertain" her, not feeling like she understood his rejection from the family (because she had shared her own), on and on "poor me" stuff and then, turning to me, "how you criticized me for leaving that bottle of wine in the freezer."

I almost went to my typical denial that I had actually criticized him, rather that I was just involved in attacking an impending mess before it got worse. But then I stopped. I said, "I'm sorry I completely ruined your day." I managed to say it sincerely, even though I meant it ironically.

But then a funny thing happened. He started to deny that I had ruined his day and said that "it was his issue" and that I was involved in trying to clean things up. He shifted referential index=he started thinking about my perspective.

So--I'll try it again. Use hyperbole when apologizing because he never seems to really think I've apologized when I've given a normal heartfelt apology. The underlying message was: I have so much power with my words that I can singlehandedly ruin your entire day and even part of the next one with a single comment.

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[maxsterling]

My W does this, too.  She may unload on me (or someone else) until I make a comment similar to yours and she realizes the burden upon me.  She will then declare the problem is hers.  But be careful.  In my W's case, that admission the problem is hers is usually followed by something that sounds like an apology but is not, then a guilt trip, then a shame spiral, and in the end the behavior repeats and she never stops herself before she rants on me again. 

[Cat Familiar]

What I have to watch when I try this again is to be sincere when I say it. It really is true that a simple comment from me can be so blown up in his mind to equate to a terrible criticism and then he will torture himself with that thought for hours.

I could have said, "Are your clothes out of the washer?" and because that has been an issue in the past of him leaving clothes mildewing inside for days, he will think I've criticized him severely rather than just asked if the washer was free for me to use.

I've gotten so detached from his emotional excesses (though not all of them) that I tend to look for ways to amuse myself when he's having a tizzy fit. I do love the guy when he's being somewhat normal, but I just can't go there when he's being a drama queen.

[Notwendy]

That's great! One effect of what you said back is that you didn't take the bait and JADE. I found that if my H feels criticized and accuses me of that- my natural response was to be on the defensive. Most of the time it was not intended- came out of the blue. I would feel bad that he thought that and start to JADE, but defending my own hurt feelings was a step into the crazy party- a circular argument that would end up with him being angry, thinking he's right and me crying. It was a habit for both of us and the anger at me was a way to take care of his bad feelings. JADEing was my way to take care of mine.

Lately though these accusations go right past me. I don't say anything because I don't relate to them. I can't really control what anyone thinks and sometimes the accusations just don't make sense. Defending them actually has a role of validating them. Now I think well if it sounds weird then, that's weird!

It's great that it didn't affect you !

[Cat Familiar]

Another manifestation of his polarity response is when he paints someone black and is expecting me to chime in. It's really annoying because if I don't say anything, then he accuses me of "being on their side."

I'm planning on not playing this game with him anymore now I have an overview of how this turns out, but what I experienced in the past was that he'd do a 180 turn and then rush to defend the person he'd just criticized.

[Notwendy]

That is something my mother does. People are either on her side or not on her side. I recall her venting to a relative and then, afterwards announcing that this person " is on MY side".

One thing I stopped doing is that, when someone vents to me, I often imagine that there are two sides to every story and present the other one. That can be perceived as invalidating. Yet, I also don't like to reinforce the venting and make it into a my side/your side thing.


I think we can validate the feeling but not the issue. " I am sorry that you feel this way" or "I understand how this can make you feel".

I think this is used to make a relationship feel more stable. My parents did this. If they could bond over a mutual issue or person they were upset about, then they would feel more bonded together. I found myself doing this with my H. If there was a problem, it was something related to school, job, or his boss, or his partner. This took the focus off our own issues, and made an external cause for any upset feelings.

I also used to vent about my mother, but I eventually stopped. It all just felt like more of the drama triangle to me to do this. 

[Cat Familiar]

That is something my mother does. People are either on her side or not on her side. I recall her venting to a relative and then, afterwards announcing that this person " is on MY side".

One thing I stopped doing is that, when someone vents to me, I often imagine that there are two sides to every story and present the other one. That can be perceived as invalidating. Yet, I also don't like to reinforce the venting and make it into a my side/your side thing.

I think this is used to make a relationship feel more stable. My parents did this. If they could bond over a mutual issue or person they were upset about, then they would feel more bonded together.

I, too, used to try to present the other side to the story until I realized that caused him to paint me black.

My personality makes me want to see things objectively and when he'd ask for my opinion about some issue he was having with another person, my go-to strategy was to automatically try to see it from their perspective. It took me a while to realize that he did not want this.

Basically what he wanted was for me to dis the other person. Then he could do his 180 and swoop to their defense. The irony for me is that he puts up with crummy behavior from other people--letting them take advantage of him so that he can look like a nice guy to the world, then he stews about it and complains.

I get annoyed with these people and with him for this and so when he has asked me what I think, I either have to duck the subject (which annoys him) or tell him my true feelings, which starts the polarity process.

I think in the future, I'll tell him that his relationship with others is his business and if he presses me for more info, say that I'd do things differently.

[Notwendy]

I try to stay out of the polarized discussions as well.

I like to see things from different perspectives. I will read news from both the right and the left political spectrum, US and foreign news sources, different religions. I like to see the many ways people can see things, not just one way.

As uncomfortable as it is, I appreciate it when someone makes me look at things from another perspective, but it isn't easy to have someone turn a mirror on us.  

Some of the flexibility may be poor boundaries. I have been way too accommodating and people pleasing. I had to accommodate my mother's reality growing up and it was hard to know what my own opinion was.

[waverider]

His starting point and initial aim of the communication is to establish that his day was ruined and it was someone else's fault. When you simply put it like this up front you have ticked this "need" immediately, this takes the urgency out of it.

He can then afford to be gracious and forgiving. His victimhood and lack of culpability has been validated.

I too have found that my wife establishing her innocence is her main agenda, after that you can go on to work through the issue. She needs to establish her immunity card first before she will play ball and drop the defensiveness

Often do you find when something is going wrong, rather than attempting to address the problem their preoccupation is establishing that its not their fault, it takes priority over actually try to resolve the problem?

[Notwendy]

That really makes sense- establishing "not my fault" is a big issue and then when that is clear it makes room for disussion. Until that is established, anything said can sound like an accusation.

[waverider]

That really makes sense- establishing "not my fault" is a big issue and then when that is clear it makes room for disussion. Until that is established, anything said can sound like an accusation.

The danger of course is falling into the trap of validating the invalid, which comes back down to skills in validating emotions rather than nuts and bolts of whatever the issue is. Often difficult when we are frustrated. The alternative of course is more frustration.

[Cat Familiar]

His starting point and initial aim of the communication is to establish that his day was ruined and it was someone else's fault. When you simply put it like this up front you have ticked this "need" immediately, this takes the urgency out of it.

He can then afford to be gracious and forgiving. His victimhood and lack of culpability has been validated.

I too have found that my wife establishing her innocence is her main agenda, after that you can go on to work through the issue. She needs to establish her immunity card first before she will play ball and drop the defensiveness

Often do you find when something is going wrong, rather than attempting to address the problem their preoccupation is establishing that its not their fault, it takes priority over actually try to resolve the problem?

As usual, waverider, you've cut to the core of the issue. Thank you.

Absolutely, he wants to be considered blameless and a victim of oppression and doesn't at all care about resolving the problem.

Not one iota of consideration to me about my reality and having to clean up a mess he created. It wasn't a big issue to me and had it been someone without BPD on the other end of the phone, there wouldn't have been another word said other than "Oops, sorry" and it would have been a done deal.

That core shame causes them to blow up an issue that's a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10 (totally insignificant) to a 7 or 8 (a really big deal.) Meanwhile the non has totally forgotten about it.

[Cat Familiar]

The danger of course is falling into the trap of validating the invalid, which comes back down to skills in validating emotions rather than nuts and bolts of whatever the issue is. Often difficult when we are frustrated. The alternative of course is more frustration.

This is the part that escapes me. He's so emotional while I'm so unemotional and logical. He calls me Robot Woman at times.

So I'm absolutely dumbfounded when he has an emotional outburst over something I see as so completely trivial. I can't even imagine what emotion to validate. Usually I stick with "upset".

[Notwendy]

The easily triggered shame was something that I had no idea about for years. I can say I paid a high emotional price for that one as when I triggered it, it appeared to come out of the blue. Being a compassionate and sensitive person I took the accusations to heart and defended my position- which added fuel to the fire- or ramped up my people pleasing co dependent behavior to soothe the hurt feelings. So both responses worked well for my H because he'd either get relief by raging/blaming me or get me to try to make him happy with extra affection or attention.

I didn't see this for a long time. I would not say he has full BPD like my mother and he seemed so confidant and his family so stable compared to mine. But later I saw that his mother was co dependent and the whole family walked on eggshells around critical and angry dad and that's enough to create this trait which surely matched my codependency.

Lately though - when I see that something I have said has gotten a "not my fault " response, I just back off. I know that at this point any disussion is futile as this thinking is there. Later it may be possible to revisit the topic. If it is important to me I will. Sometimes though I have just gotten exasperated too and said "nothing is your fault! Not the right thing to say but we are all human.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you for this insightful thread, I really appreciate the comments about the pwBPD wanting an immunity card first or Cat Familiar's hilarious comment about the drama queen  , that to me sounds like the male waif type. Its such a relief to see the commonality of these behaviors . When you explain them to civilians people look at you like you're crazy, why would you stick around for more of that?

I also really appreciate the pwBPD wanting you to participate in their painting someone white or black. I"m having that issue with my mom and as I'm figuring out how to post about it on the coping board its really helping to read threads like these.

[Cat Familiar]

The easily triggered shame was something that I had no idea about for years. I can say I paid a high emotional price for that one as when I triggered it, it appeared to come out of the blue. Being a compassionate and sensitive person I took the accusations to heart and defended my position- which added fuel to the fire- or ramped up my people pleasing co dependent behavior to soothe the hurt feelings. So both responses worked well for my H because he'd either get relief by raging/blaming me or get me to try to make him happy with extra affection or attention.

Sometimes though I have just gotten exasperated too and said "nothing is your fault! Not the right thing to say but we are all human.

Really good summation, Notwendy. I'm always amazed when I get blindsided by the "easily triggered shame."

I find I automatically have done two things when this happens:

1. I'm alarmed that my motives have been misinterpreted and that he's hurt and I want to repair the communication to show that my intent was not to hurt him because I care about his feelings

2. I'm alarmed that he sees me as someone who would needlessly hurt him over something so utterly insignificant

These factors lead to JADEing. Until I understood this, I was always amazed when he told me I was justifying myself. Justifying? I thought I was explaining what went awry and trying to fix it.

And away we went into an amped up dysregulaiion. He would get more upset and I would become increasingly frustrated with a man who chose not to understand logic and refused to be soothed and didn't want to participate in an autopsy of the misunderstanding.

Now I know better, but I still catch myself starting down pathways 1 and 2.

[Cat Familiar]

Thank you for this insightful thread, I really appreciate the comments about the pwBPD wanting an immunity card first or Cat Familiar's hilarious comment about the drama queen  , that to me sounds like the male waif type. Its such a relief to see the commonality of these behaviors . When you explain them to civilians people look at you like you're crazy, why would you stick around for more of that?

I also really appreciate the pwBPD wanting you to participate in their painting someone white or black. I"m having that issue with my mom and as I'm figuring out how to post about it on the coping board its really helping to read threads like these.

Unicorn, you've totally nailed it about the male waif type. They seem so vulnerable and open at first and then they can turn on a dime and rage. I recently read about the different types of BPD in the Understanding the Borderline Mother book, a great read for anyone who has grown up with one.

Until I read about the Hermit Mother, I never had seen a description of what I instinctively knew was the "off" parenting dynamic that I lived with. Even at the age of 10, I knew something was wrong with my mother and I studied TV shows with families to try to learn what "normal" was.

[Icthelight]

He's so emotional while I'm so unemotional and logical. He calls me Robot Woman at times.

HA! Robot Woman, meet Robot Man 

I actually have to work at staying unemotional because in my opinion, she can say or accuse me of some crazy things causing me to respond negatively. When I don't match her intensity, that's when I become (to her) Robot Man. On several occasions, she has said that if I cared for her, I should match her intensity and be animated when we "talk." That's not my personality and not a good idea because when I have, I've turned into Scary Man (her words).

When she's dysregulated, I could be The Most Interesting Man in the World, and I would still get it wrong. So, I prefer Robot Man 

I love what Form Flier keeps saying, "Check my attitude, slow it down and be present." This has helped me confirm that I am in the right frame of mind before having a difficult discussion. Not JADEing and validating her feelings have helped lots too. If all else fails, I know to abort the mission promptly and try again later.

[Notwendy]

It has been the opposite for me. H's FOO is stoic and nobody shows emotions or talks about feelings. He is stoic too.

Growing up, everything in my FOO was feelings- MOM's feelings. All over the place, all the time. So, hopefully I am not as dramatic at her, but sharing my feelings isn't something strange to me.

I read, I think, in Passionate Marriage where couples who are enmeshed could share competencies. I think one thing that attracted my H to me was that I was open with feelings, enough for the both of us.

But in these circular arguments, if I JADED, he would present his logic about how he was right with the precision of a lawyer, and cold and to the point. Then, if I started to cry, he would push it- then declare himself the logical one and me the illogical emotional one. That scared the daylights out of me. In fact, our interactions resembled my parents' and to me, I began to believe that I was the problem just like my over emotional mother.

So, over time, I have become less emotional in my interactions with my H. Partly because being emotional was an opening for me to be cut down by his "logic". Once I stopped being so reactive to it, I realized that many of the logical arguments were built on a feeling and this is how he expressed them.

It took me some time to get over my fear of turning into my mother with emotions.

[Cat Familiar]

He's so emotional while I'm so unemotional and logical. He calls me Robot Woman at times.

HA! Robot Woman, meet Robot Man 

I actually have to work at staying unemotional because in my opinion, she can say or accuse me of some crazy things causing me to respond negatively. When I don't match her intensity, that's when I become (to her) Robot Man. On several occasions, she has said that if I cared for her, I should match her intensity and be animated when we "talk." That's not my personality and not a good idea because when I have, I've turned into Scary Man (her words).

I've had a similar experience of being criticized for not being as emotional as he is. For example he might read an article about climate change and be railing about impending sea level rise in the coming years. If I'm not suitably expressive, he claims I don't care.

I think in the future when this happens, I'll just point to my face and say, "This is my extremely concerned face. See the difference?"

And then I've tried play acting and becoming more expressive and then he thinks I'm angry at him--no matter what emotion I'm trying to convey. It's just that I've turned up the volume and he's uncomfortable with that.

[Cat Familiar]

Notwendy, it appears we've married our opposites.

Like you, my childhood was "the Mom Show"--all emotions, all the time. I modeled my dad's behavior, cool, logical, calculating.

I had contempt for my mother based upon her flighty emotions and holding us emotional hostage with her moods.

So what do I do but marry someone just like my mother.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you for this insightful thread, I really appreciate the comments about the pwBPD wanting an immunity card first or Cat Familiar's hilarious comment about the drama queen  , that to me sounds like the male waif type. Its such a relief to see the commonality of these behaviors . When you explain them to civilians people look at you like you're crazy, why would you stick around for more of that?

I also really appreciate the pwBPD wanting you to participate in their painting someone white or black. I"m having that issue with my mom and as I'm figuring out how to post about it on the coping board its really helping to read threads like these.

Unicorn, you've totally nailed it about the male waif type. They seem so vulnerable and open at first and then they can turn on a dime and rage. I recently read about the different types of BPD in the Understanding the Borderline Mother book, a great read for anyone who has grown up with one.

Until I read about the Hermit Mother, I never had seen a description of what I instinctively knew was the "off" parenting dynamic that I lived with. Even at the age of 10, I knew something was wrong with my mother and I studied TV shows with families to try to learn what "normal" was.

Thanks CF, I'm in the witch mother chapter and unfortunately my mom has some witch traits. I've seen waif and witch traits in both my partner and my mother.

Wow.

The age of 10.

That was not a good age for me personally, but that's for a different thread.

[unicorn2014]

It has been the opposite for me. H's FOO is stoic and nobody shows emotions or talks about feelings. He is stoic too.

Growing up, everything in my FOO was feelings- MOM's feelings. All over the place, all the time. So, hopefully I am not as dramatic at her, but sharing my feelings isn't something strange to me.

I read, I think, in Passionate Marriage where couples who are enmeshed could share competencies. I think one thing that attracted my H to me was that I was open with feelings, enough for the both of us.

Powerful post. I have that book checked out of the library. If I may I would like to reflect on your post.

My exH came from a broken family. His mother was cruel to me when I first met her and I did not know that that was a sign to run. I was only 21 at the time and very  naive. His father was warm to me, but his parents were split.

I have not met my current partner's FOO yet, but his father did send me a warm card.

My family is stoic.

I'm sure I was attracted to my exH because he was a very warm person (seemingly). What I didn't know is that he had bipolar disorder, was a real addict, and had sociopathic traits so he too could turn on a dime. My current partner feels more emotionally familiar to me.

But in these circular arguments, if I JADED, he would present his logic about how he was right with the precision of a lawyer, and cold and to the point. Then, if I started to cry, he would push it- then declare himself the logical one and me the illogical emotional one. That scared the daylights out of me. In fact, our interactions resembled my parents' and to me, I began to believe that I was the problem just like my over emotional mother.

Unfortunately in my prior circular arguments with my partner I was the one who pushed him to the wall. In fact one of my former therapists said we lawyered each other.

In my former marriage and still in "co parenting" (a joke, and for another board) I can push my ex to the wall but he has a nasty temper, far nastier then my current partner's, so that never produced good results. The last time I lost my temper with him I actually got yelled at by my neighbor so that really woke me up.

So, over time, I have become less emotional in my interactions with my H. Partly because being emotional was an opening for me to be cut down by his "logic". Once I stopped being so reactive to it, I realized that many of the logical arguments were built on a feeling and this is how he expressed them.

It took me some time to get over my fear of turning into my mother with emotions.

I've stopped being so emotional with my partner, but for a different reason, which I've dealt with thoroughly on other threads.

Thanks for this post!

[Notwendy]

Cat, however you feel your own emotions is fine, but be careful if you feel disdain for emotional people. There is a lot of difference between me and my mother, yet my H's disdain for my emotional expression had me feeling as if I was crazy. It also felt shaming to me since I was not allowed to express any distress at home over how my mother treated me.

Your H may feel your disdain for his emotionality and it might be triggering. Since I didn't want my H to have disdain for me, I did not express emotions around him. To him, this felt like me withdrawing from him and that triggered him.

Feelings are not facts to me. If I do sense that someone isn't feeling well, or share my feelings, then I ask the other person before I consider it to be fact. If I hurt someone's feelings, I would rather know, and apologize, than wonder. Yet sharing my feelings or asking my H about his could be interpreted as an accusation or criticism, and so, I didn't know what he was feeling. In his family, people didn't express feelings. They had to guess, so the anger at not being able to guess as well as getting the ST and then not knowing was crazy making for me.

For my H, if he felt something, he built a logical argument to present it. So it sounded logical but the who thing was illogical because it was based on a feeling that he considered true, because, well he didn't ask me about it.

So, we'd get into this predicament. For example, he felt that I was being rude to his family, but instead of asking me, he presumed it was true and got angry at me. Since I had no idea he was thinking this, the anger was a surprise. However, if I thought he was being rude to my family, I would not presume it was true- I would ask - as a reality check. I would say something like " Are you upset with my family? You seemed kind of standoffish to me". He would hear this as a criticism. " you are standoffish to my family" and be triggered.  I had to stop being so afraid and reactive to his anger to actually hear what he was saying.

[Cat Familiar]

Notwendy, I don't feel disdain for emotional people. I recognize that we are all different and thank goodness for that. Being a female INTJ is a very solitary role--just .8% of the population. And the world would not benefit to have a lot more of us aloof judgmental perfectionists.

What I do have a problem with is people who use their emotions tyrannically and create disharmony and chaos. It's fine if my husband is an emotional person. When he becomes sullen, nasty and unkind because he feels bad and wants to inflict his mood upon others--that's not OK in my opinion.

[whitebackatcha]

So, we'd get into this predicament. For example, he felt that I was being rude to his family, but instead of asking me, he presumed it was true and got angry at me. Since I had no idea he was thinking this, the anger was a surprise. However, if I thought he was being rude to my family, I would not presume it was true- I would ask - as a reality check. I would say something like " Are you upset with my family? You seemed kind of standoffish to me". He would hear this as a criticism. " you are standoffish to my family" and be triggered.  I had to stop being so afraid and reactive to his anger to actually hear what he was saying.

What was your next step then? How did you indicate you heard him if asking for clarification of his feelings had already triggered him?

[Notwendy]

I don't ask directly. That was perceived as confrontational. It didn't go well. It took some time for me to decide to change my own style, but insanity was doing the same thing over and expecting different results.

It helped to not be as reactive to my H's logical style and not JADE or defend accusations that didn't seem true to me. I think the lessons on validation helps- not to validate what isn't valid, but the feeling behind it. I realized it was not his style to tell me his feelings but often the logical speech would reveal them.

So, he may not say directly how he feels but would approach me with an accusation or statement, that my initial reaction was to defend, but now I listen to it ( unless it was yelling but he doesn't do that if I stay calm).

I guess this makes sense if someone grew up in a family where feelings were not openly discussed. They learned to speak and "read" between the lines. In my FOO, we pretty much knew what people's feelings were.

Cat- I understand - being an introvert. I am also in some ways introverted. What I found hard to deal with is my H's idea that feelings were a sign of weakness. They are not. But neither extreme- not showing them ,or constant drama is easy to deal with.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I almost went to my typical denial that I had actually criticized him, rather that I was just involved in attacking an impending mess before it got worse. But then I stopped. I said, "I'm sorry I completely ruined your day." I managed to say it sincerely, even though I meant it ironically.

This episode just reminds me of my wife's difficulty with having to be right, with the corallary of me always being wrong. If I were to say something like "I'm sorry I ruined your day" then her instantaneous response would be "No you didn't" because otherwise she couldn't be right and I wrong.

And then she'll tell me I have communication problems.

[Cat Familiar]

I guess this makes sense if someone grew up in a family where feelings were not openly discussed. They learned to speak and "read" between the lines. In my FOO, we pretty much knew what people's feelings were.

Cat- I understand - being an introvert. I am also in some ways introverted. What I found hard to deal with is my H's idea that feelings were a sign of weakness. They are not. But neither extreme- not showing them ,or constant drama is easy to deal with.

My husband will shut down when asked about his feelings or dismiss the question with: "Who cares?" or "It doesn't matter." Occasionally he will be open and willing to share them, but growing up and not feeling safe in his FOO makes me realize why he typically doesn't. In his FOO they didn't discuss feelings openly and everyone keeps a lot of secrets.

I learned to be inscrutable because if I was too open about my feelings, my mother would swoop in and start interrogating me about what I was feeling or thinking, so it was desirable to maintain my privacy and boundaries and I did that by keeping a poker face.

I'm aware of my feelings and can easily discuss them when asked about them. I guess I still retain a sense of privacy about feelings. I choose when and where I want to express them.

What was difficult for me as a child was having to soothe my mother and be a mediator in the disputes she had with my father--a role no young child should ever have to assume. That was the origin of my disdain for out of control emotional expression. I guess I needed to learn this lesson from a different perspective because both husbands have also been pwBPD and have had explosive emotional outbursts. It took several years before I saw this pattern in my current husband and thankfully it happens infrequently.

I think, Notwendy, we're talking about something a bit differently when we refer to "emotions". To me it's a boundary issue. It's fine to be expressive of emotions, but when people use emotional outbursts in an attempt to control others, that's where I think it's a problem.

[Cat Familiar]

I almost went to my typical denial that I had actually criticized him, rather that I was just involved in attacking an impending mess before it got worse. But then I stopped. I said, "I'm sorry I completely ruined your day." I managed to say it sincerely, even though I meant it ironically.

This episode just reminds me of my wife's difficulty with having to be right, with the corallary of me always being wrong. If I were to say something like "I'm sorry I ruined your day" then her instantaneous response would be "No you didn't" because otherwise she couldn't be right and I wrong.

And then she'll tell me I have communication problems.

My husband thinks he's the smartest one in the room and usually that's true. I've known a lot of smart people and he's in the top five for sure. However, IQ and Emotional Intelligence have absolutely no correlation. His EQ is definitely below average, mostly in that he's always looking for validation and reassurance that people like him. His IQ gets in the way sometimes because he's certain he's correct and that others are mistaken or ignorant. He can usually hide this under a veneer of politeness, but he doesn't always remember to do this with me.

Without a solid sense of himself, he defines himself by his competencies: his intellect, his ability to learn languages, his study of Buddhism, his knowledge of photography and music. We converse about politics, science, the environment, but my interests don't intersect with his other than that. We live on rural property and while I'm outdoors fixing things, caring for livestock, making things, he's indoors reading or watching TV. (He moved out of the city to be with me and I assumed that he would learn to enjoy rural life. He does seem to like it from a distance.)

So, in sum, I think that he's constantly confronted with my skills and the awareness that he shares none of them. So, needing to be right is a small victory for him.

And he too accuses me of being a poor communicator. I find that humorous because all my friends tell me the opposite.