Knife wielding wife

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi formflier,

Yes I am, that is my love language.  That is probably why I attracted her.

I do need to set her free. 

I have been NC since then trying to figure out what I need to do and how to go about it.

[twitchy]

Hi formflier,

Yes I am, that is my love language.  That is probably why I attracted her.

I do need to set her free. 

I have been NC since then trying to figure out what I need to do and how to go about it.

[Grey Kitty]

Do you know what you want to do in the big picture yet?

The obvious paths are to end your marriage or to try to find a safe way to get back together (long term... .just moving back in doesn't sound safe)

That is a really tough choice.

[Chansen]

@Herodias: Sometimes she would undo her seatbelt and open the car door when we were driving on the interstate.  I thought she had anger issues from her previous abusive r/s.  but the BPD didn't surface until the day after our wedding. During our honeymoon she totally lost it, all night she was raging then calmed down the following day, then that night it started again only this time she emptied a bottle of Tylenol... .That's when I discovered BPD articles when I googled "walking on eggshells"  This has been a long year.

@Turkish: I really don't feel safe, she has "attacked" by throwing things at me, hitting me, but most of the time it doesn't hurt, once before, she came at me with a kitchen knife in each hand. I disarmed her then also without getting cut, but I felt nervous seeing the knives whenever I helped out in the kitchen, but I never mentioned them.   Last Tuesday, when she was throwing things around and she spotted her wedding dress and started pulling at it, then she saw the wall heater and decided she was going to burn it.  I intervened at that point and stopped her.

What is odd is she had been doing so well. Then this happened this week.

Wow... .I honestly feel like I read something you wrote. I have had very similar situation with my wife. I am sorry you have had to go through that.

[twitchy]

Hi Chansen, it seems we have all been in the same nightmare.

Hi Grey Kitty,

The big picture, that is what I continue to struggle with.  I am maintaining NC until I decide and safety is my priority.

[Grey Kitty]

Do you have trustworthy friends or family who can help you with both the safety plan and supporting you in your decision?

Please keep posting here what you are doing, and what you are thinking--just typing it out helps, and getting some outside perspective can help a lot too.

Hang in there!

[twitchy]

Yes, I have friends and family I can depend on.  My brother has been providing his place and support this past week.

It does help to unscramble the mind posting on this board. 

I received a text from her an hour ago, asking for my advice about a loan. I don't know what she is up to.  I think she is trying to get me to reply and start a dialogue.

[Grey Kitty]

Don't spend too much energy wondering what she means with things like this.

You may guess but won't know. And it could all change a minute later.

Figuring out what you want and how to get there is much better.

[VeraTrue]

I received a text from her an hour ago, asking for my advice about a loan. I don't know what she is up to.  I think she is trying to get me to reply and start a dialogue.

First off, holy jeepers, twitchy, my heart goes out to you. You are doing incredibly well for having been through something like this.

Second, a loan? I don't know your financial situation or banking set up, but have you thought to put security notices on your credit cards and perhaps look at similar actions with any joint banking? Perhaps call your bank and flag your account so she can't take out some crazy loan with you having a spouse's responsibility? If she's doing things with money I'm concerned it might warrant some thought and action. Perhaps your attorney might have some suggestions.

[twitchy]

Hi VeraTrue, she won't be able to involve me on any new loans without my signature.  But I'm keeping an eye open for new developments.

You are right Grey Kitty, I am trying to spend energy on me, on my health, on my needs.  She hasn't been bombing me on texts, calls or emails.  I have blocked her on calls and texts. She was down to 3 texts: morning, mid-day and evening texts and a call or two.  The texts were positive, wanting to meet for dinner, etc. and she hasn't dysregulated or got on my case.  That's why I decided to block her, her being nice to me is my Kryptonite, like my brother calls it.  I have to remember the attacks and words of hate to continue NC.

[formflier]

  Ever been a history of her signing your name?    If she has never done it, I wouldn't bring it up.    There is always a first time, so be vigilant about your credit files and perhaps "locking" them for a while.  

FF

[twitchy]

No history formflier, but I am watching.  I have my important papers with me.  I get all my statements online.

I've been working on that part for a while.

[RR4U]

You are doing great with the NC and protecting you!  I hope I can be as strong when the time comes for me.

[twitchy]

Hi RR4U, it has been hard being NC.  If it wasn't for my brother's support, I think I would have broken NC.  When I find myself thinking about my wife, I push myself to read about how abusers mistreat their SOs and it reminds me of how my wife treated me when she dysregulated.  I think about that last attack and it gives me resolve to continue.  I haven't crossed the line of what I will do but for now maintaining NC is giving me time to heal and lose that anxiety I was feeling. It is helping me to loosen the grip she has on me.

[Herodias]

"When I find myself thinking about my wife, I push myself to read about how abusers mistreat their SOs and it reminds me of how my wife treated me when she dysregulated."

This helps me as well... .

[twitchy]

Good morning y'all,

I was awakened by a dream I had this morning, I was feeling extreme anger, I was ranting and raving at my older brother for something that did not happen in real life.  (It wasn't directed at my brother I am staying with.) I was really feeling it.  I was breathing hard, my heart was beating fast, I was clinching my teeth, I was angry, I was yelling.  I know it has something to do with what I am going through.

[twitchy]

She came to my office today, just as I was leaving for lunch.  She was very quiet, she asked if she could speak to me.  I said ok, join me for lunch. 

She apologized, she was so excited about having gone to see a therapist, she had just come from there, she wants to move forward in our marriage... .was she charming? I'm sure she was. She invited me to her next appointment with the therapist. She wants to meet for dinner, ok, I'll meet her for dinner. 

I still wonder, how long can she keep up being a nice person?  I don't know... .

[JohnLove]

Well... .it sounds like you're going to find out.

I hope things improve for you.

[twitchy]

I meant to type hoovr ing instead of charming.  I did type the h word but it was changed to charming.

Is that h word against the rules?

Well JohnLove, I know that it will take time for a person to change, we'll see how this goes and how serious she is about working through this.

[Herodias]

You can see how it goes... .Hopefully good. Mine never stuck with therapy and if we went together, he tried to make it all about me and what I was doing wrong.

[twitchy]

I went well last night, She has taken responsibility for her actions and I have been invited to the next therapist appointment.   My spidey-sense is normal so I am back at home but I am keeping my toes pointed at the door.  If any thing begins to develop, I will leave before they escalate.  I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers.

I am so thankful for all of y'all!

[Grey Kitty]

The good news: BPD can be cured; she can get better.

The bad news: Not this fast. I suspect half of the improvement is that she has painted you white. And that can change.

Please keep posting, especially on the staying board. You really need to have excellent boundaries against any abusive behavior. So you don't let things escalate to the previous levels again.

It will be a long path, and most of the work is actually on yourself. Please do it. I'd also recommend you get an individual therapist of your own, probably not the same one she has.

Meanwhile... .despite my cautions, I really am delighted for you!

[twitchy]

Thank you Grey Kitty,

As much as I want her current nice treatment to be permanent, I fear that it may be temporary.  At least for now, she is headed in the right direction.  I do have my own therapist and he is glad she is seeing someone. 

 

I will read and post on staying board.

Thanks again!