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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: New Year's Eve date but still feel bad  (Read 478 times)
Scopikaz
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: January 01, 2016, 11:41:23 AM »

This woman I met two years ago a month before my exgf has entered my life again. Last time we met and went out I was interested in the woman who would be my gf for the past almost two years.  So when she left me, I reached Back out to the other girl again. In need of a friend and sonething to do.  She's attractive and nice and seems to really love me.

She's been great. But last night we spent New Year's Eve together.

Trouble is all I could do was obsess over ex gf. I kept thinking of her. Comparing this friend to her. And how it feels no one will compare to my ex on any level at all. Ugh.

I still love my ex and it's been five plus weeks and I just can't get over her.

I've done some counseling.  Found this group. Prayed. Time is passing. I've

Talked to friends who all say I'm better off. But nothing has helped.

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Bigmd
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« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2016, 11:59:07 AM »

Hey man those feelings are understandable. Are you 5 weeks post break up? If so I would say you will need more time. I'm almost 6 months out and still have those feelings. The comparing happens too. I'm getting better but still feel bad sometimes after a date. I would say just take your time. My family and friends all said the same. I'm better off without her , I dodged a bullet , move on etc... .No one , unless they have had a relationship like these , will never understand. Idk about you but for me the holidays definately magnify the sadness.
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2016, 10:02:06 PM »

Hi Scopikaz,

I agree with Bigmd. It sounds like you're not ready to date. She you say she's been great, is she understanding? Have you talked to your friend about your feelings?
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Scopikaz
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« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2016, 12:03:42 AM »

She knows I am healing yes.
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2016, 01:16:12 AM »

It sounds like you want a romantic r/s if you're comparing her to your ex. Do you want a romantic relationship or a platonic one? What do you feel is missing with your friend or other compatible partners?
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Scopikaz
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« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2016, 01:47:10 AM »

In terms of comparing when things were great they were great. The needing my attention, the great conversation both about serious and deep things and fun things, the things in common And how we really seemed to connect, the way she "got" me, the sex too. I can't lie. The memories we made and shared. Everything good when she idealized me.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2016, 08:31:20 AM »

Everything good when she idealized me.

This is the problem.   If you have a choice between being idealized or being treated with honesty, respect and caring which are you going to choose?  You know idealization is not sustainable or healthy.

Everything is usually great during the idealisation or honeymoon stage ... .this is not unique to relationships with a pwBPD.   The relationship outside that stage and outside of the bedroom is what you have in reality.   The sex is a very tiny portion of the whole relationship, at least healthy ones.  It is the normal day to day interactions that make up the bulk of any relationship.  This is something my ex had a problem with.  She gave too much weight to minor things like "special" days and if those didn't happen it meant something was wrong.   Sure a good sex life and special moments are meaningful but when looking at the big picture they only represent a very small portion of the whole relationship.   You can't hang your hat on a handful of special moments in or out of the bedroom.  :)on't attach to much significance to these minor moments in any relationship.  

Try to remember the bulk of the relationship, the day to day grind.  This is what you would be faced with for the rest of your life if you were still with your ex.  
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Mutt
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« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2016, 01:42:44 PM »

The needing my attention, the great conversation both about serious and deep things and fun things, the things in common And how we really seemed to connect, the way she "got" me, the sex too.

I agree with the characteristics of a healthy relationship that C.Stein is articulating.

The idealization phase is not true emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy takes openness, trust, transparency where you feel comfortable with someone and you share you faults and mistakes. Intimacy can cause discomfort and anxieties if you're not accustomed to it and it triggers the disorder with a pwBPD.

I think we need to let go of the fantasy with our ex partners that they are going to return to a permanent idealization phase. That's one side of your ex partner but there's the other side where she get triggered when you get close to her and she acts out. What we experienced was intensity. Is it emotional intimacy and that deep connection that you miss?

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thisworld
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« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2016, 02:28:00 PM »

I believe passion and spark occur either between two emotionally healthy people or the opposite. For different reasons maybe, but a spark is a spark.

If this woman is emotionally healthy, I don't think she will be able to (nor would she want to with all her heart) create a spark because she knows you are healing from a previous relationship, so she is probably approaching you with caution. She will probably be reasonable, nice, polite but her gut would warn her against you actually. Plus culture warns women against men who haven't healed from previous relationships. It's a known red flag for women. We continue dating but approach with caution.

So, I think until we are fully detached, emotionally healthy and available, no healthy person can give us their full passion and spark, and why should they really?

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