So Much Energy Consumed by the Marriage

[workinprogress]

I'm reading the book, "Mastery" by Robert Greene.  Let me highly recommend it to everyone.  I have been quite busy due to my own heart attack, and my dad recently being diagnosed with cancer, so I am slowly working my way through the book.

To sum it up, it covers people who did great things with their lives and the time, training, passion and risk they took to achieve what they wanted.

That being said, I always had an inner stirring to accomplish something in life.  It comes from within, it is genuine.

One of the key points of the book is to have focus and spend your time pursuing your interests.  Reading this, I became aware of the fact that much of my time in my marriage to BPD wife, I have spent trying to please her.  I have been buried in trying to please her endless wants and trying to redeem myself for whatever minor and big mistakes I have made.  It has left me drained.

So, moving forward, I am going to have to focus more on my long term plans, and less on trying to sustain this marriage that is basically going nowhere.

[Herodias]

Sorry for your Dad and your health issues... .Glad to see you focusing on you. That seems to be the time we really think about ourselves for once. We focus on them so much and when we need to put energy on ourselves, we see how much we were doing for them. . It's exhausting, I know. They have a never ending appetite, that is never satisfied. Take care of you... .thanks for the book info!

[workinprogress]

Sorry for your Dad and your health issues... .Glad to see you focusing on you. That seems to be the time we really think about ourselves for once. We focus on them so much and when we need to put energy on ourselves, we see how much we were doing for them. . It's exhausting, I know. They have a never ending appetite, that is never satisfied. Take care of you... .thanks for the book info!

Thanks, BH!  A couple of points.

After I had my heart attack, my wife never asked how I was feeling.  It was strange.  I wonder if she cares at all sometimes.

Secondly, she is really going full on trying to help out my dad and my family.  For some reason, I feel like this is some sort of set up.  Our marriage is in bad shape.  We haven't had sex in 6 years.  I'm here for my kids, but it is tough.  I feel a bit trapped, actually, I have felt trapped for about the last 15 years.

I had a couple of fantastic opportunities in life that I had to pass up on because she refused to leave the town we live in.  She said that she didn't want to leave her "friends."     I love challenges and opportunities, they really drive me.  Unfortunately, I feel very stale where I am professionally.  I am working on some side projects that I hope will blossom one day.  It's just tough trying to take care of my dad and my family and do it.  I am finding that I need to become more disciplined and regimented with my time.

[Herodias]

My husband flat out knows I just has surgery over Xmas and never asks how I did and how I am feeling. All of the Happy New Year comments he made, he never once asked! I don't think it's strange for them at all. I just think they are selfish. You need to do what is best for you. I felt trapped as well. They like everyone else to think they are so wonderful... .it's a mask. Take care of you and she will either follow or come up some reason to get out. It all depends on what you want out of life I suppose. It's hard starting over for me. It sounds strange, but I felt trapped financially. I was actually lucky to have caught him in bed with another woman which I was able to get alimony and be able to leave. I am not happy to be divorcing, but given the option to stay in that hell, I know I am better off.

[whirlpoollife]

Prior to my filing for divorce but in the contemplation stage in my mind, I watched a segment on TV on a woman who has a charity.  Sorry I can't think of the name of it.  She worked out of her apartment from a small desk. She was able to get children over to here, US, from the Middle East , who had gotten disfigured from the wars. She linked them to surgeons who could preform the plastic surgery they needed.  Then they went back to their home countries. 

It affected me in two ways. One was the normal, wow what beautiful work this person is doing.

The other was a strong awakening of how I had wasted a life, mine, of bowing down to pleasing one narcisit  husband. It was work, it was exhausting.  That work and energy could of made a difference in other human/animal lives. The inner care taking could of been aimed for the good of others elsewhere.

Seeing that segment defiantly added fuel to making the move to leave (xh).

workinprogress  and Herodias I wish you successful recoveries.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey w-i-p, I think you are definitely on to something.  Like you, I spent years trying to please my BPDxW, which I thought was my "duty" as her H, even though whatever I did it was "never enough."  I was frequently "crucified" for some minor mistake.  As a result, I put my life and interests on the back burner for 15 years.  I forgot who I was, which was a terrible feeling, believe me.  I allowed myself to become isolated from friends and family.  No more.  We're divorced.  Now I strive to make my life a journey towards authenticity.  I pay attention to my gut feelings and celebrate my uniqueness.  You can do it, too!

LuckyJim

[workinprogress]

Prior to my filing for divorce but in the contemplation stage in my mind, I watched a segment on TV on a woman who has a charity.  Sorry I can't think of the name of it.  She worked out of her apartment from a small desk. She was able to get children over to here, US, from the Middle East , who had gotten disfigured from the wars. She linked them to surgeons who could preform the plastic surgery they needed.  Then they went back to their home countries. 

It affected me in two ways. One was the normal, wow what beautiful work this person is doing.

The other was a strong awakening of how I had wasted a life, mine, of bowing down to pleasing one narcisit  husband. It was work, it was exhausting.  That work and energy could of made a difference in other human/animal lives. The inner care taking could of been aimed for the good of others elsewhere.

Seeing that segment defiantly added fuel to making the move to leave (xh).

workinprogress  and Herodias I wish you successful recoveries.

That was a beautiful story, WPL, you never know, you may end up doing something greater!

Here is something else that just came to me... .I spent so much time trying to please my wife, that I didn't get to devote the time towards improving myself educationally and expanding my horizons professionally.  Yet, she is so quick to point out that so and so "must have a lot of money."  Or she says, "oh, it's not like you're a doctor or something."  I literally missed opportunities to a great living (even though I'm not doing bad) and she has the nerve to complain about how much money I make.

[empathic]

I have also spent so much energy on my wife that my work life has suffered for a long time. I can recall after we got our first child, when our problems began, that I had a weird unnerving feeling when at work. I usually cut the work day short to get home early and help out. She never has expressed any gratitude for my efforts though.

Oh, and she also makes the "doctor comment" now and then, in the form of "You should become a doctor".

When at home in the evening she has an endless stream of things I need to help her with. Don't know how she'd make it on her own really.

My health also suffers from this as I feel trapped and get a guilty conscience when going for a workout (trying to change my thinking there though).

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic and w-i-p, It's exhausting, isn't it?  I ran myself into the ground trying to please my BPDxW, until there was nothing left in the tank.  My suggestion: Make sure you take care of yourself in the care taking process.  LJ

[flowerpath]

So, moving forward, I am going to have to focus more on my long term plans, and less on trying to sustain this marriage that is basically going nowhere.

That's what I'm doing too  - moving in the direction of accomplishing some long term plans.  Thank you for the book recommendation. 

After a great day at work, and a great week at work, "weary" was the feeling I came up against in less than 5 minutes after walking in the front door of our house this evening, so this topic caught my eye.   

Hang in there, everyone.

[workinprogress]

So, we got hit by that big snow storm that pounded the east this weekend.  To be honest, I have been so busy with work, my sick parents, and mountains of paperwork every night that I was looking forward to getting snowed in. 

Saturday Morning comes and my wife is up first thing fretting about all the shoveling that needed done to removed the snow from our deck and driveways.  I let it go for awhile.  After all, it was still snowing and we would just have to do it again.

I end up shoveling snow that was up above my waste later that day.  I noticed that she just gets so restless.  She complained about being stuck at the house.  What's wrong with just hanging out for a couple of days?

I guess the point is she has so much internal anxiety that she can't be content.  She can't express intimacy.  She holds grudges and is so critical all the time.  It is very tiring.

In the back of my mind I am wondering how much longer I can live with her here like this.

Oh, and there is more snow to shovel today.  I just gave her the shovel.  She can do it.  I'm tired.

[Euler2718]

I had wasted a life, mine, of bowing down to pleasing one narcisit  husband. It was work, it was exhausting.  That work and energy could of made a difference in other human/animal lives. The inner care taking could of been aimed for the good of others elsewhere.

... .yes, let's not waste our lives! What's left of them. In the beginning it doesn't seem like a waste, since we think we can effect real change (save them from their demons). Later, you're a frog boiled in hot water.

on a more positive note, once that person's gone, you may start to feel better. Once I met exBPDgf, I spent lots of time with her, push/pull etc. but now I've got my fence fixed, have been on numerous hikes, have gotten the guns out to the range for target practice, etc. etc. so normalcy returns!