Drunk BPD's words and memories...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The saying is that a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts... .Does anyone know if this rings true with pwBPD? Since they are so good at manipulations and  lies, do they do this drunk too? Or are their drunk words truthful? Anyone know the answer to this or had experience with their words when they are drunk? I honestly don't know. Mine will say things when he is drunk at night and they change his thoughts or deny the thoughts he had while drunk. So did he mean them or just say what felt good in the moment as usual?

[Herodias]

The saying is that a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts... .Does anyone know if this rings true with pwBPD? Since they are so good at manipulations and  lies, do they do this drunk too? Or are their drunk words truthful? Anyone know the answer to this or had experience with their words when they are drunk? I honestly don't know. Mine will say things when he is drunk at night and they change his thoughts or deny the thoughts he had while drunk. So did he mean them or just say what felt good in the moment as usual?

[Mutt]

Herodias,

I get the feeling that your STBX said certain things that are confusing. Are you trying to figure out if he really meant the things that he said? I'd like to set sobriety aside for a moment.

What did he say that you can't figure out if it's true or not true?

[burritoman]

Oh the words they say when they're drunk... .

A couple of years ago my ex and I wound up at a bar as we were searching for a late night dinner (already setting us up for a bad night). The place was empty, so we ended up talking to the bartender for a couple of hours and having multiple drinks. It was a good time. At one point she leaned in and more or less demanded that we have sex when we get home. By this point I was too tired and too under the influence to think of anything other than sleep, so I said I don't really think it's going to happen. Well, we eventually walked home, and when we got into my apartment she aggressively tried to get me to have sex with her. I was nearly down for the count and again rejected her advances. She was drunker than I. At this point she began to rage at me. Shouting that she has a boyfriend who won't have sex with her. I tried locking myself in the bathroom but she grabbed the door before I could shut it. I was genuinely afraid. I noticed through the crack of the door that she had grabbed her camera? No idea what her intention was.

Anyways, after more raging at me, she wound up kissing the toilet bowl and threw up for about a half hour straight. All the while still raging at me, but her energy was draining. Think of a talking toy with quickly draining batteries. After that she wound up on the floor. I distinctly remember her saying "Just close that door, and GET out." She had a rasp in her voice like the daughter of Satan. I told her that I can't let my girlfriend sleep on the bathroom floor. I eventually got her up and into bed, putting a trash can near her (which she used several times).

The next morning she (and I) were hungover, but by then she was then back to her sick little girl mentality, wanting me to take care of her like her daddy would. It was as if she had no understanding of the rage she threw at me the night before. That was the only time in nearly 3 years I ever saw her that way, and again the only time I ever felt afraid of her. I imagine that even the stone sober daughter of Satan would have been more pleasant than my ex that night.

So, do they remember their behavior/words? I can't say. Do they REALIZE? Absolutely not.

[Herodias]

Mutt, I guess I keep hearing him say "you could take me back"... .even though he has this woman pregnant! Sober he told me I could be a part of the babies life? I don't get it? Does he want me as "family" maybe? Maybe he was just drunk and freaked out at that moment when he said it. I think he had a plan of coming back before the actual divorce, but then the pregnancy happened and that changed everything! It's just so weird and it boggles my mind. Are they really too ashamed to say they want us back or would they beg if they really wanted to. I guess my ego is hurt a bit here... .even though this is supposed to be better for me in the long run, I am still alone and hurting. I am having a hard time believing that he is not having any "incidents" when clearly he still drinking. What's my point? My feelings are very hurt. I see a lawyer on Tuesday, we can file for divorce on Jan. 18, I can't believe this year has gone so fast and that this is all really happening now. I am sad all over again. He was my family for 9 years : (

[Mutt]

Herodias,

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. 9 years is a long history. Do you find it difficult that you can file on Jan 18?

I would feel confused too if I was told that I could be a part of the babies life and take back my ex. Let's take out the words that are said. Many pwBPD are not aware that they want rescue and its in their subconscious.

You are his savior. He wants rescue.

[Teereese]

I feel like the things stbxh said in rages and while drunk were his truth.

He believed them.

[Herodias]

That makes sense... I just don't understand why he just doesn't come out with it... .Is that the ego not wanted to be told no? I would think if you want out of something else so bad, you would say something. I noticed the gf posted an article of what she expects of her "man" in her life yet again! Same article as if to remind him... .All about being equally yoked, not lying, being financially stable and being someone she can respect. tells me she is questioning again... .Hell of a place to be while pregnant! I guess I am also remembering my story here which was similar. I was pregnant, but miscarried. I guess this bothers me because of that. I don't have kids and can't. he kept telling me he didn't want any. Told his Mother that as well! Sometimes I think he wants to now because he sees all the attention his sister is getting not that she just had a baby in September. I don't know, but either this girl tricked him or they were both irresponsible. He said she said she was on that injection that prevents pregnancy. It's 99.9% effective a Dr. told me. Why didn't she ever get pregnant with her husband and them bam! Pregnant with mine? I'm just hurt, angry, disappointed! I just heard a sermon that said we have to bury the past and look to the future. To quit dwelling on what was... .I am having trouble with that. Maybe this will have to be my sake place to do it, I know everyone else is sick of it. The other strange thing is today I went into a store to get some letters to change out a picture I have with our last name on it... .I used some of my letters and spelled out the word "dreams" instead for over my bed... .The woman in the store and I got to talking. Turns out her personality disordered husband took too many pills and died. She thinks as awful as that is, that she had it easier than me. For what she went through at the time she said. Strange how everywhere I go I meet someone that knows someone with a PD. What are the chances of meeting a normal person then? That's what bothers me too... .could I have made this work ever? Probably not really. I guess I will know when and if his next r/s fails... .maybe that's what I keep waiting for. Validation. Thanks for letting me vent... .

[Mutt]

Herodias,

My guess would be that the pregnancy was impulsive because he wants rescue.

A relationship break-up with a pwBPD is a lot of pain. Maybe the sermon was about holding onto resentment about something that happened in the distant past.

I went through a similar experience. I turned to family and friends and I think that they were sick of it too. BPD us an invisible disorder and they didn't see all of the behaviors directed at me behind closed doors. I think that you have to go through the experience to be able to connect with the other person.

That's why we're here. We're not going to get sick of it. My advice to help speed up your recovery is to go No Contact or Minimal Contact after you file for divorce for awhile.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. I have a family member that had a miscarriage and I think she's still grieving the loss. I get the feeling from her that it's a different type of pain. Have you talked to a therapist about your miscarriage?

Was spelling out dreams subconscious perhaps? Is it the loss of a dream of having another child with your STBX or something else?

[AwakenedOne]

Herodias, Are you wanting him to ask you to reconcile the marriage?

[Herodias]

Secretly- YES! I would live for him to tell me he realized he was so wrong and he loves me... .I honestly think that it is not happening because I am not supposed to do it! I am supposed to get away from him... .I don't know what I would do. I love him and I always will. I just feel like I have no choice but to move on... .too much has happened. He feels the same way I know. He told me so. Too much has happened.

I always told myself I did not want children... .I honestly don't know what to think. Since it is not an option for me, I guess I shouldn't dwell on it. I remember being like a deer in headlights when he lied to me and said he was infertile and I got pregnant! Then he rushed me into marriage. It still would have ended up him leaving me... .but everyone tells me that I am better off that I did not have a child with him. I see all of these other people that are not alone, because at least they have their kids. For me... .it's just me!

I think I liked the word "dreams" because I have always been a dreamer and actually do dream allot. I wanted to use as many letters from my current last name to make a new word with 6 letters. That;s the one I came up with. Ironically, the other word I could have used was "family" , but I told the woman in the store, that would be silly when it's just me alone at home. : (  Maybe I do have some issues with this... .I thought I didn't want kids and honestly don't really like other peoples. I am not a baby person. My Dad wasn't good with kids either. My husband didn't want any because he knew he didn't want to pass on whatever was wrong with him to someone else... .also, he knew he was too selfish and wanted to spend money on himself. His Mother always told him he should't have any. I don't know... .I am just sitting here dwelling on things I can;t change. Trying to learn how to move forward and be positive and happy. The more I read about how positive and happy I should be, the more depressed I become! I want to move on... .I think I need a lobotomy!

[Mutt]

Herodias,

I am just sitting here dwelling on things I can;t change. Trying to learn how to move forward and be positive and happy. The more I read about how positive and happy I should be, the more depressed I become! I want to move on... .I think I need a lobotomy!

What do you do for self-care?

[Herodias]

Church (which is new to me this past year), exercise, talk with friends, go out with friends, read... .spend time with family, stuff like that.

[Mutt]

Herodias,

Do you do those things when you feel anxiety or you feel like you're dwelling on things? A lot of self care is good. When I feel separation anxiety from switch on / off days with the kids because I miss them when they're gone I find self care helps with anxiety. It may not always help but I find that it really helps me with feeling better.

[Fr4nz]

The saying is that a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts... .Does anyone know if this rings true with pwBPD? Since they are so good at manipulations and  lies, do they do this drunk too? Or are their drunk words truthful? Anyone know the answer to this or had experience with their words when they are drunk? I honestly don't know. Mine will say things when he is drunk at night and they change his thoughts or deny the thoughts he had while drunk. So did he mean them or just say what felt good in the moment as usual?

So, this is an interesting question... .at least for me, since my ex-uBPD (with HPD traits) used to do a lot of binge drinking; in 18 months she probably got drunk 40+ times with me... .let's say almost every weekend, and these are the times I'm aware of... .

When she was drunk, oftentimes she simply became completely uncontrollable, the slightest word or action was enough to make her upset, rage or scream. This was especially painful if we were hanging outside with friends or her parents, it was really painful the keep her under control and "save" the situation. Most of these times she heavily raged on me because I was trying to stop her from drinking even more... .it was quite a nightmare! Once she told me that alcohol made her stop thinking about her demons... .quite ironic, isn't it?

Anyway, I think we should look at the problem from a completely, different perspective... .that is: when they're drunk, many of the logical/rational components in their mind fail to operate; as such, they can get easily overwhelmed by strong, raw emotions and the consequence is that they may dissociate and, very likely, act on impulses.

As such, asking ourselves if they're telling the truth or not in those moments is quite irrelevant in my opinion... .on the one hand, they may reveal a cheating episode for example (so they say a true thing... .happened to me); on the other hand, they could also say extremely hurtful things they wouldn't absolutely think of in "normal" conditions (happened to me as well). As a consequence, asking ourselves if they're telling us the truth in those moments is useless and, perhaps, only hurtful for us.

In conclusion, I think alcohol may just make extremely evident those issues BPDs have in their psyche... .like an open window on their inner, chaotic and painful world of thoughts. Nothing more.

[AwakenedOne]

The more I read about how positive and happy I should be, the more depressed I become! I want to move on... .I think I need a lobotomy!

I think each person is different and what each have gone through varies. I am no expert on healing or happiness but it seems to me that you would be a bit superhuman if you were extremely positive and happy after learning hurtful things in a failing marriage that is about to possibly come to an end. I was married also and losing the woman that I took vows with was painful. Even though at the end she was more of an abuser than a wife I had love for who I believed her to be.

Regarding your question about drunk BPD's, I don't know because my wife didn't drink.

[Mutt]

I always told myself I did not want children... .I honestly don't know what to think. Since it is not an option for me,

I thought I didn't want kids and honestly don't really like other peoples. I am not a baby person. My Dad wasn't good with kids either. My husband didn't want any because he knew he didn't want to pass on whatever was wrong with him to someone else... .also, he knew he was too selfish and wanted to spend money on himself. His Mother always told him he should't have any.

Do you feel like he left for a woman that could give him a baby?

[Herodias]

I am not really sure... .I really don't think he wanted kids. Sometimes you never know with them do you? As much as he said he didn't, he certainly did not go out and have that vasectomy. Maybe he wishes he did. I honestly think right now he thinks he is going to try and do his best. I just know that life is about to change in such a huge way for him, I really think he is not going to be able to handle it. He needs all of the attention on him. He wants to control everything (I saw how he was with the animals- very controlling) I also know he will not be able to handle diapers , vomiting and crying AT ALL! I really see this girl running home to her family at some point and time. I really do. I text him today about closing the joint account. He wanted to fight with me over the $5 that was in there to keep it open. I told him if he was that bad off he could keep it,    He told me he is broke until Thursday when he get's paid. I said, " I hope you are happy with your choices"... .He just told me to have a great week, with a wink face. Then I told him he did not have to file for divorce, that I would be doing that. Then he said I could keep the $5.00  I am getting my questions for the lawyer ready now... .This is tough, I want to move on and need to very much. I am still sad. I think he would rather let me continue on with everything then admit he made a mistake. Maybe I am just in denial ... .I just don't know why else he would have been doing all the emailing me over the holidays... .I think he regrets all of this. Call me crazy,

[Mutt]

Herodias,

I said, " I hope you are happy with your choices"... .He just told me to have a great week, with a wink face.

You're both attached.

I guess my ego is hurt a bit here... .even though this is supposed to be better for me in the long run, I am still alone and hurting. I am having a hard time believing that he is not having any "incidents" when clearly he still drinking. What's my point? My feelings are very hurt.

It takes time to get over the hurt but the wound is not going to get a chance to close if you're attached.