I keep texting regularly that I love her and do not give up.

[Davy]

I texted her " Hey honey, how are you ?"

She replied "I 'm doing ok just need to recover from a week at work and really come at eas. How are you?"

Then me "Just finished a workout and feeling good. Now I'm going to relax and watch a movie"

Think that was pretty good? Except maybe I should drop the honey part in future messages?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Davy]

I feel really good today. Even found myself singing in the car just now.

Telling her that I feel good actually seemed to make me feel good even if her reply was distant.

I have a busy weekend and tonight I'm going out with friends.

Our relationship seems out of my control so I will not text her today unless she does first.

Maybe ask her about her weekend tomorrow.

Treat her as a friend because this is not a relationship at the moment.

I do however feel like I have taken back control off myself and plan on moving forward without her.

When/If she wants to see me I'll be there to see how it goes but for now I need to move forward

[formflier]

  Our relationship seems out of my control so I will not text her today unless she does first. Maybe ask her about her weekend tomorrow.  

 Can you switch this thinking/plan to next week?  Maybe put it in your calendar (if you have electronic) as a reminder for next Saturday.  If you haven't heard from her by then, send her something light.  If you hear from her before then, respond, but slightly dial back your response from what she sends you.   What does that look like?  fictional text from her:  "I miss having you in my arms, my life is empty without you"  your response:  "I miss you to"  Do you see how your response is similar but "dialed back" from what she sent you?  

FF

[Davy]

Ok I can do that.

So I should not contact her for an entire week unless she contacts me?

And  I doubt She would send something like that but it would be nice

[Davy]

Ok so I went out last night and actually had a lot off fun.

She was however always on my mind and I kept hoping to hear something but nothing.

So far I'm still feeling strong but Sunday is in my experience the lonelyest day of the week so I hope I can stay strong

[Davy]

Her relationshipstatus on facebook still says She is in a relationship with me.

Yet in our contact She seemed to get more distant as time went by.

Our last contact was friday and I have not contacted her since.

We agreed to take a break for a week however it has been more than a week.

Do you think She will contact me if I dont contact her?

Not making contact myself feels wrong as if I dont care but I understand that I need to give her space.

[Scopikaz]

Since end of November I haven't been able to go no contact longer than 2 1/2 days. If I make it through today I will be at 2 1/2 days again. Personally In my case if I don't reach out

I don't think she will ever either. She's beautiful. Charming. Fun. Smart. So she will meet someone very quickly and have no need for me. It's that simple.  In your case you may fare better. Who knows. But like with me stay strong.  If they don't reach out that's our answer.

[Davy]

My plan of not contacting her did not last long.

Could not help myself and did send her a text yesterday.

"Hey honey. How was your weekend? I love you."

It took 5 painfull hours but she did reply.

"Busy weekend. spent a lot of time with mom to occupy myself. If I try to rest I am worried and I feel very scared and sad. Meanig I have not been myself lately and still need time for myself. How was your weekend? I'm going to bed. Goodnight honey. I love you too."

I feel like this was a very constructive contact. But I am worried about her feeling that way espacially being scared. Scared of what?

She said She loves me and clearly stated she needs more time so I will give her time.

Thinking contact every other day and keep it minimal.

Anyway after her message I replyd.

"I had a busy weekend to. If you feel like talking about why you are scared I am happy to listen whenever you feel ready. Goodnight."

no more reply so I'm thinking no contact today. Seems like we are making some progress so have to make sure not to screw up

[formflier]

  Look up the lessons.  Read about validation.  Many times it is a better option to validate an emotion, that to get into all the gory details of why or how they are feeling that emotion.  

FF

[Davy]

As Always I apreciate the advice.

I understand it is important to validate her feelings of being scared and sad however I would think it is also important to know why She is feeling that way so I can help take those feelings away and prevent them in the future.

Is it possible to validate and find out the why?

There have been no contact yesterday so maybe I should try to resist contacting her from now until She is ready.

Not making contact on saturday seemed like it had a good influence on our contact sunday.

[formflier]

  Please read the validation lesson  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation  There are some other mentions of validation in the lesson area as well.  Finding out why is important, but much less important that validating the emotion.  BPD is a disorder of emotional swings.  Emotions drive things  "Why" is a little more of a logical thing.  Nons are interested in why, pwBPD will find a why and make it fit with the emotion.  Please think about that for a second.  Actually, think about that for a long time.    "Why" is for courtrooms and lawyers, it's a very probing question.  Probing an emotionally hurt person is dangerous business.  "Help me understand what you are experiencing right now" is gentler.   Focus on saying it with kindness and compassion.  

FF

[Davy]

Did I invalidate her by saying that I would be happy to listen to her and WHY She feels that way?

[Skip]

My plan of not contacting her did not last long.

Could not help myself and did send her a text yesterday.

Davy, you're telegraphing your insecurity really loudly. It's smothering her. She moved out.

She is going to be attracted to strength, not weakness. "I can't help myself" is weakness. Man up.

I understand it is important to validate her feelings of being scared and sad however I would think it is also important to know why she is feeling that way so I can help take those feelings away and prevent them in the future.

She is not asking you for help - if anything, she pulled away from you. Don't encroach her emotional space. She will share when she is ready. She gave you a heads up on what she is feeling and it was most likely to say that she is struggling and not ready to bring you back in close.

She said She loves me

You really have to get out of the mode of telling her that you love her to encourage her to say it back to you - it's very clingy and smothering. She's barely communicating with you at all. She may be saying "I love you", in part, to pacify you. You don't want that.

As long as the she feels any opening up to you is going to open the gates for "do you love me", "how do we fix the relationship", "tell me about your depression so I can fix it", she is going to stay distant. I would. Anyone would. We all need our independence and space.

What interests her? Go there next time she texts you.

"I had a busy weekend to. If you feel like talking about why you are scared I am happy to listen whenever you feel ready. Goodnight."

no more reply

No more reply. Note that. Breadcrumbs. She is closed down.

Now wait. Everything she is saying and doing says "stop smothering me". You still want to smother here, but are holding back as best you can, which is progress, but you really need to much larger change of your mindset.

Give her the space to "want to" engage you and hear from you. Enough with the "clingy" already.  

[Skip]

Did I invalidate her by saying that I would be happy to listen to her and WHY She feels that way?

No. You are doing a good job of not making things worse. 

You have to shift your approach significantly to start making anything better.

[1minuteatatime]

"I had a busy weekend to. If you feel like talking about why you are scared I am happy to listen whenever you feel ready. Goodnight."

no more reply

No more reply. Note that. Breadcrumbs. She is closed down.

Now wait.  Give her the space to want to engage you.

Davy-  :)o you want her back?  If you don't, keep doing what you are doing.  You are in control of yourself.  If you aren't, you probably are not a good mate for anyone until you are.  

If you want her back... . You must.  Take the long view.  It is not easy.  

I am in day 8 of NC.  I will not contact her next.  Her last text to me(I keep analyzing it) was:  "I think before we go any further, my divorce needs to be finalized".  I agree with her, too.  She contacted me the last time after 28 days.  If she wants me back, she can come to my place or we can meet at McDonald's for coffee.  If it's meant to happen again, she will make it happen.  If not, it will not happen.  I think about her constantly.  I care for her deeply.  But.  I cannot force her to care for me, want to come back or love me.  I refuse to need her.  I want her.  I do.  I honestly have trouble not thinking about her.  But the feeling will pass over the next few weeks of not seeing her or hearing from her.

Bottom line.  You MUST self regulate your behavior.  It's ok to be lonely and sad.  It's ok to want her back.  But.  As skip has said, you MUST stop.  Listen to skip.  There is a template, here.  If you keep this up, you will drive her into the arms of another... .

LISTEN TO SKIP.  :)O WHAT HE SUGGESTS.  Unless you really don't care about the relationship having a chance to rekindle.

[Davy]

Allright no more contact from now on. I have to be able to do this.

I'm feeling much stronger than I did a week ago so I'm giving it a shot.

Tommorow I have my first meeting with a therapist and nomatter what She says I'll check with you guys first.

I really need to get my s*** together. She is an amazing woman and I have to remember this is not just about me but about her and respect her needs even if I don't understand them.

[Skip]

Allright no more contact from now on.

This is not the point    No more smothering. 

You want to talk to her. When she initiates, you respond. Then you can initiate, talk about something other than "love" or "fixing her or the relationship". If she is holding back, then follow her lead for right now.

[Davy]

I was not planning on ignoring her if she would text

I mean I will not initiate any contact as long as she does not

[MapleBob]

I was not planning on ignoring her if she would text

I mean I will not initiate any contact as long as she does not

That's the master plan Davy, believe me. She has to make the effort, and you have to be equally ready for the possibly that she will or won't. So ask questions about what you can do better, study the "Lessons" and keep your eye out for someone new who might catch your fancy. That's the best you can do - and believe it, we all know how hard the stage you're in is.

[Davy]

Just got back from my 1st meeting with a therapist.

Did not get much wiser. Just told my story and agreed to call her for a second visit after/if I reconnect with my girlfriend.

She did not want to say what her first toughts are without meeting her witch I understand. She did use the word depression though.

So the plan remains the same. Wait until she wants to see me and try to get her to see the therapist with me.

[formflier]

  Hey, a quick comment about T.  If your gf is not present, use most of the sessions to figure out you, not her.  

FF

[livednlearned]

Hi Davy,

The nicest guy I ever dated became so needy and clingy I couldn't take it anymore. It was like his anxiety became a third person in the relationship. I liked him, but his neediness felt really inauthentic if that makes any sense. I sense some of that is happening in your situation, at least it's coming through in your posts. You are trying to reassure your own feelings of insecurity when you contact her, and to a woman with an insecure attachment style, this can feel like being used.

You're trying to reassure her, and that might work if she was feeling anxious. She isn't feeling anxious, though. She's feeling engulfed and crowded by you. Stand down, my friend. 

Anxiety makes us feel like we have to deal with something right now or else. You have to figure out the "or else" part so you can begin to take care of yourself. In attachment theory, you're displaying protest behaviors, and that's about your issues, not hers.

[Davy]

Thanks livednlearned

You may be right about me displaying protest behavior. I do feel as if she is treating me in a way I do not deserve.

However I'm feeling stonger every day now (with a few small relapses) and believe I'm getting a handle on myself.

Still its hard not knowing/understanding what is going on with her and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

All I can do now is wait until she contacts me and show confidence if she does. Right? Ow and no more sentimental stuff

[formflier]

  Davy, Finding a new way of doing things, new habits if you will, is tough and uncomfortable stuff.  I like the "put off and put on" analogy.  You identify the behavior that you want to get rid of, "put off".  That's where I see you at now.    You also need to identify and behavior to "put on" as a replacement.  When I want to contact here I will (fill in the blank).  Where this is going is that you want the feeling of contact her to result in a positive action where you get to do something good or that is helpful.  At the end of this you eventually will feel better.  If you only put off, it can be a bit negative.  You get a feeling and then you are denying yourself.   Something to play around with and see if you can find a suitable replacement.  

FF

[Davy]

Ok, have an idea. Not sure if its a good one so I'm checking here first.

Every thursday she has guitarlessons. I'm thinking maybe tommorow just ask her about how class was. nothing else, show her i'm interested in her interests.

Would that be worth trying or should I just hold out untill she contacts me first?

[livednlearned]

Ok, have an idea. Not sure if its a good one so I'm checking here first.

Every thursday she has guitarlessons. I'm thinking maybe tommorow just ask her about how class was. nothing else, show her i'm interested in her interests.

Would that be worth trying or should I just hold out untill she contacts me first?

Don't contact her first. 

[1minuteatatime]

Ok, have an idea. Not sure if its a good one so I'm checking here first.

Every thursday she has guitarlessons. I'm thinking maybe tommorow just ask her about how class was. nothing else, show her i'm interested in her interests.

Would that be worth trying or should I just hold out untill she contacts me first?

Don't contact her first. 

Listen to Skip and livednlearned.  Let her contact you.  That is where I am.  Day 9.  I can go to day infinity.  I know it.  Know and understand your value. 

I want her to come back.  I do.  But.  I am not going to pine and wait incessantly for something that may never happen.  I set up a date tonight with a much more attractive girl for Saturday.(that I met two weeks after the breakup)  8 years younger than my ex-gf.  Then I saw another girl at the bar and got her number tonight.  We've talked for 3 hrs at the bar over the last few weeks.  Both are more attractive and seem more confident than my ex-gf.  They can tell that I am open to dating but that I have my own stuff going on.  Women like confidence more than anything else.  I was a total pu$$y at the end with my BPD ex-gf.  She (and no woman) likes that. 

LISTEN to skip and livednlearned.  They know best.  do your thing.  Whatever the hell that is.  It will attract.  Trust me.

 

[EaglesJuju]

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