Don't know where to turn ... My sons BPD is consuming me.

[VegasMom]

My son (22 yrs) currently lives out of state - He lives in WA and I live in NV. However, at the moment, I am here with him in WA trying to help him with his latest crisis (I've been here twice since Oct) He ended up with bronchitis and what we thought was a bleeding ulcer ... .Of course, he refused to go to the Dr no matter how much we tried to convince him it was for the best - And, subsequently, he just kept getting worse. Finally, his roommate messaged me and told me they were very concerned because he was so sick and they tried repeatedly to convince him to go to the ER, but as usual, he wouldn't go ... .So they contacted me hoping I could intervene. So I went to WA to try and get him to the Dr. - Miraculously, he went and they prescribed antibiotics for the bronchitis and gave him Prilosec for his stomach (the Dr thought it was most likely severe acid reflux rather than an ulcer, but they couldn't be sure and my son refused to go back for any further diagnostics)

But, his life is a mess. He graduated from college last May, but is yet to hold down any type of job. There is always an excuse why he can't work ... .Everything is always someone else's fault and he refuses to take responsibility or accountability for anything. Most of all he blames me for all his unhappiness... .He is depressed and angry, agitated and frustrated, but won't do anything to help his cause. Instead of being proactive and preventing a crisis from happening, he will refuse help from everyone but will call in hysterics when the roof caves in and we are left to clean up his mess and fix his crisis. He is so self destructive ... .And destructive of anything and anyone around him. He should be on meds (he is also diagnosed ADHD, Sensory Integration Disorder, and Bipolar 2) and in therapy ... .But since he graduated, he is refusing meds and any type of therapy or medical intervention. I am at a loss ... .I am exhausted, I am so frustrated and I feel like I'm drowning. This consumes my entire life and effects everyone around me ... .I don't know how to help him ... .He won't let me, really. He can't even manage the basics ... .He lives in squalor - His car, his room, his clothes, his bedding ... .It's all a total mess. Trash everywhere (he doesn't bother throwing it away) ... .Filthy clothes and bedding (never washes anything) ... .His car looks like he's been living in it. Yet, he will complain about his "unsanitary" surroundings and how he is being "contaminated by bugs and bacteria which is making him sick" ... .But he won't do anything about it. And he won't let anyone help him clean it all up. But he will blame everyone else for the mess ... .He just wants to smoke cigarettes and pot and play games on his PS4, take drives in his car, ride his skateboard and hang out with his friends.  That's his life. He eats nothing but junk food and complains that he feels horrible ... .Nothing anyone says makes a difference ... .He just says he is depressed and he "can't wait to die so he can come back and live a better life" ... .That really scares me. And you can't reason with the unreasonable... .So here I am. Sitting in a hotel in the town that he lives in ... .Begging him to go back to the Dr, trying to get him to take his antibiotics, trying to get his clothes and car cleaned up - But all he does is swear at me and call me every name in the book and blame me for his unhappiness ... .And he refuses to allow me in his car (which we gave him) to add to this mess. I really just don't know where to turn and what to do ... .I just know that I'm exhausted. Thanks for listening and letting me vent ... .Jackie

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Jackie

I can so relate to how your feeling.

We tried to fix him. If only we could just make him see. If only he had something to aim for. I'm ashamed to say I even did his college coursework once so he wouldn't fail the course so he could go to uni. It's all been futile. We've grieved so badly for the son We felt we'd lost to drugs. We now understand the drugs were just a symptom. He's failed at every single thing, dropped out, can't pay one bill. The legal letters from debt agencies still come. He can't even keep a bank account. He's lied, stolen, manipulated.

We paid for courses, tree surgeon equipment, driving lessons, paid for his truck, paid for a trip to Thailand and then to the USA.

What on earth have we been doing? We've not helped but made things worse. We've ended up resenting him while we've held our own jobs down while he idles away his days.

It's very hard to be a strong parent. I envy those that seems to know just what to do and what to say.

I got told 3 years ago what we needed to do. I knew it then but it's taken all this time to try everything. Enough is enough

I'm just glad I've got the forum to help us over the next few weeks.

One step at a time Jackie. Take strength as you're not on your own

Hopefully everything will be ok. I can only have faith that it will be

[VegasMom]

Thank you so very much, Lollypop. It's reassuring to talk to someone who knows this pain and frustration. Just like you said, they idle their days away while we work hard ... .And my son, just like yours, is manipulative and has failed at many things, also ... .He lies constantly and we dont know what to believe anymore and he can be such a bully when he doesn't get his way. I know this is going to sound terrible, but I even hate to be around other people because it's so painful to see normal, happy families. I can't even bear it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them and I am glad their lives are wonderful (and I know nobody's life or family is perfect, but most families don't go through what we do... .And it hurts). It just kills me that he can't manage money or his own laundry or a job ... .Or even throwing away his own trash. I worry that people will think I didn't raise him right ... .God only knows I've tried ... .But it was all just so pointless. I keep praying for a miracle ... .That something turns things around ... .But, so far he seems to be getting worse. It's almost as if they grow into their illness ... .The older they get, the more their illness defines them. It makes me so unbelievably sad. And just like you mentioned ... .We keep trying to "fix" him ... .And now I am slowly coming to the realization that maybe he just isn't fixable. It's so hard to even admit that. And I do agree that drugs are a symptom... .He has told me that when he smokes pot, it slows his brain down from spinning so he can think. He actually seems a little more reasonable and appears to think a little clearer when he smokes a little pot ... .  But, it still bothers me to no end that he does it. And it's legal in the state that he lives in ... .But it still makes me uncomfortable and worried. I am so tired of feeling like this ... .But I don't see any end in sight. 

[Lollypop]

Hi Jackie

It almost word for word of my life. I'm sorry this is so long.

Our BPDs said "smoking weed helps me as it stops my racing thoughts". The other stuff he's taken, I believe, was to self harm because he felt so bad about himself. For now, he has no money and for the first time since he was a small boy he's clean. To be honest, he looks great and everybody is saying how well he looks. I bite my tongue, of course he does as we've just paid for an 8 month holiday in California, who wouldn't!

He moved back and I swear in 50 minutes his room was a pigsty. But I don't pick up a thing. I have to say that since being away and living with others he does tidy it once per week. Makes his bed and he does his washing. How he decides what is dirty is beyond me because after he washes he just dumps it straight back in the floor as its pulled out of the dryer in a big ball. He's very clean in himself too. He realised when he was away he looked homeless and had a bad experience with a cop. So he now takes pride in what he wears. Also he had NO shoes other than one pair of sneakers that were like flip flops they had so many holes in. I used Xmas money from family and we bought three pairs together, he was really pleased and posted it up on Facebook.

Sorry for going on. But I'm trying to say that since he's been making decisions for himself he's been growing. His diagnosis helped him explain his behaviour and he felt good about that BUT it's also given him no hope. He says he will never be able to have a normal life. I keep on pointing out that others find a way to live. It must be very hard for them to keep perspective, and know it will take a lot of hard work - and that is perhaps one of the roots of the problem as he has no "grit" and we've made life far too easy for him.

I have a few very close friends who quite honestly reached a point where I was bringing them down. I realised I wasn't coping and was being drawn into his chaos (he wasn't living with us then - he lived in a shed, I'm not kidding). So I went to FA for a while and this really helped me understand that you can't change somebody, you can only change how you react. It's been a really long process with lots of ups and downs. I'm living a life now that I want to live. I'm back in college doing an art course and making plans for ourselves and retirement. This has been life transforming for us, including for my younger son.

When I meet old friends or even family they are embarrassed. I can feel it. I know they judge us, our parent skills. I try not to let it bother me but it does.  The BPD is viewed as a made up condition. They don't understand anything about it and I know think "why do you keep saving him"? They are right. Family will ask "oh how's BPDs son doing?" But it's only out of politeness. i find it hard to even by a birthday card for my BPDs because the words are all like "so proud of you" but he doesn't even read it anyway! It's like a grieving process for the son we might have had. We accept we will most probably not be grandparents, it's a killer so we have to make the best lives we can for ourselves.

So, this is where I'm at. I don't look back (much! Ha ha), I try not to worry about the future, I only have today. BUT I'm putting in place pieces for my own future and it feels great to have some control. In 4 years we retire, we will move somewhere warm; we have our own goals. My addiction to him is over. And yes I see it that way - no iffense intended.  I was completely addicted and obsessed, I really thought I'd be the hero, the one that would save him.

stay strong Jackie

[SAAT]

Hi lollipop and jackie, I feel much better after reading your letters about the lengths I have gone to in trying to help my daughter. I thought some of it was weakness on my part however now I see all mums are the same!

I now realise that each year my expectations have dropped significantly. It is incredible how resilient we can become although like you lollipop we are near retirement and I know I cannot afford the same support I have been providing. Sometimes I think I have reached some acceptance and then I become frustrated when i see

The lives my friends children are making ... .And they had only half the opportunities my daughter had  :'(

[VegasMom]

Lollypop ... .Everything you mentioned hits so close to home. And you're right ... .It does feel like an addiction or an obsession ... .The constant quest to try and save him (when I suspect he really doesn't want to be saved ... .Or if he does, doesn't know how to accept help) ... .I have very few friends as well - And I've isolated myself from most of the family (which isn't hard because I live in Nevada and they are all mostly in New York) But, I know they will judge and not understand (I hate the thought of some of our family and friends discussing our situation like gossip) - Most don't even know my son has a mental illness. And because his behavior is sometimes so embarrassing, I try and keep him away from everyone because of the way he acts and the things he says. I know I need to let him do more for himself ... .And in the past when I've tried he always falls flat on his face and my husband and I are cleaning up his crisis. It just feels so never ending really ... .I am almost embarrassed to admit this, but the quality of my day often goes hand in hand with my son and what kind of mood he's in ... .I know ... .So completely unhealthy. But, I do try and fill my tank ... .I work out (a lot) and I try to find other ways of giving myself just a teensy break (painting or going to my fav coffee shop) so I can regroup and face everything again. However, some days I just can't even deal with it and I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless - Which is when I try and stay away from everyone so I don't bring anyone else into my hopelessness and turmoil. Thank you for your words of support and advice ... .I appreciate it so much! It really does help to know I'm not alone ... .Hang in there Lollypop!

[VegasMom]

SAAT - Yep, same here ... .My expectations have dropped considerably and continue to drop every year. It's easier to lower my expectations, than continue to be disappointed time and time again. And, yes, it is totally frustrating to see the lives his friends are making for themselves. I can't even bear to hear the other parents bragging ... .Although, my heart is happy for them in their pride and happiness with their children, it's sad for me because my son will never have that life. I always ask God why he chose me to have a child like this ... .But, I know that there is a master plan here ... .I just wish it didn't have to be so darn difficult. And the whole social media thing ... .I wish that didn't even exist ... .Some of the things he puts on his Facebook page ... .Good grief. That in and of itself is a nightmare. I can only imagine what some of his former schoolmates and lacrosse teammates must be saying and telling their parents. It just makes me cringe. Well, hang in there with your daughter! You are definitely not alone in this struggle!

[Lollypop]

Hi mums

I posted on Facebook post two days ago saying I wasn't going to log on for a while with a sign off of "happy January".

This is in preparation. My BPDs posts just keep me in his circle so I'm removing myself but in a way I can get back if I need to. His posts are sometimes very long, sad, funny and raw to read. They Have been scary when he was away in the USA when he explains where's he's been or has done. After we get him out of the house he will use messenger to ask me to call him and then ask for money. I've always paid in the past. But I'm not doing it again. If he wants money he needs to work for it or apply for benefits.

what I've learnt is that expectations do get lowered over the years. I understand he only grows when he is in uncomfortable situations. But this is also true of us as parents. It's all a process. But we've always been heading in one downward direction, tighten the hold and then release, tighten and then release a bit more. It's all about us not letting go.

This is where we're at. Home for 22 days now and he was told job or benefits. Day 21 he finally did look at jobs but says he just can't. He freezes. He won't do a job that makes him unhappy. He's already depressed And says he just can't. I will "top" myself rather than doing a job I hate. I have a hole inside me and I need to fill it. If I had money I'd get ****faced on drugs. I want to be totally intoxicated in everything including my relationships. I will never be happy"

I talked to him calmly but still did the old reasoning with him which is useless because he's not listening.

Got home and he says I've found a days work Wednesday. Can you take me. By 10pm (apparently) the work fell through. Was he lying? I'm not sure but it doesn't really matter does it.

This morning I'm thinking "perhaps I just take him to the hospital and tell them he's suicidal... ." What an absolutely ridiculous situation. He's not suicidal until he's faced with doing something that will make him unhappy. He's way, way too comfortable living in our home for free!

I'm strong one day, doubter the next day. I've got a booklet published by FA called Tough Love and I'm going to reread it to reconfirm my mind. My husband has always been really reluctant to get involved in my quest to analyse but he was in bits on Monday morning and I threw it at him and said "just read it, you'll see I'm right". He understands now. We can't carry on rewarding bad behaviour.

Good luck in your day today. Stay strong.

Lollypop

Ps. I think I've hijacked your thread. If I need to move this back to mine or start posting on there please let me know.

[Lollypop]

Hey vegasmom

I forgot to say how brilliant it is that you've found some stress releasers. We have a life of our own. We're obligated to be happy!

L

[foggydew]

When I read these stories, I  remember so much the  three  cases  I have  been/am  going through... two stepchildren  and  one  other  person.  One  schizophrenic,  one  bipolar,  one  undiagnosed. With  all  the  related chaos  that  you all  describe.  All  I  can say  is that  stepping  back,  giving clear rules for  their contact with  us, not  criticising  or  comparing to  others  -  that helped most. Them and  us.  Stepdaughter has  been a  student for 20  years,  but is now  stable and  finishing her  doctor's  degree; stepson  became  more  stable  after  a couple  of suicide  attempts untill  his  illness really took  over  and he  made  his  final  jump.  Other person  is  also becoming  stable,  though alcohol  is  a  problem.  I  first  got to  know them when children of  my  husband  were 16 - and no amount of talking,  criticising  etc  helped  one  iota.  Nor did  unlimited  financial  help  nor any amount  of taking responsibility  away from them - or anything that  made life difficult for  us. We  learned just to be there, and they went their  own way... sounds easy, it wasn't. Police, hospitals, doctors, pleas, muck, money...  But almost  all the professionals we dealt with  told us that they usually quieten down with age. Look after yourselves -that is the most  you can do, really.

[Kate4queen]

In my experience, the worst thing you can do is rush in and attempt to fix everything for your person with BPD. It's like trying to fill a black hole and you just can't do it without jumping in and drowning alongside them. With our son (Now 24) WE decided our boundaries and wrote him an email (because attempting any face to face discussion always ending up with him raging at us) stating what we were prepared to tolerate in our home and what we were prepared to do for him financially, mentally etc etc.

It took a while and his raging got worse but you know what? When faced with a rapidly reducing income and a flat refusal from us to subsidize his drug use, car crashes/fixes etc etc he worked it out. He now has 2 jobs and is never overdrawn from what I can see. He worked out that he'd rather do something rather than be homeless (He lives in the 1 bed apartment we rent for his brother) and that if he kept expecting us to jump at every whim and drama we weren't going to come.

Sometimes my husband and I literally had to hold hands and stop ourselves from jumping in to fix each crisis. We learned to not argue, to sympathize and to hold firm to our boundaries to his face even as we agonized over every word and thing we had to do.

But it worked. We don't have a relationship with him and he tells everyone we are monsters which gets him loads of sympathy while we get to live thousands of miles away and are HAPPY.

Please take those first tiny steps back from him and start saving yourselves first.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

Kate4queen, I swear that is exactly what I needed to read :--) I know it wasn't to me but it fit perfectly. Thank you.

[VegasMom]

Thank you soo much everyone. I truly appreciate all of your advice and input. I am beginning to see that we are doing him no favors by saving him on a regular basis. It only makes me feel better for a few minutes, but that's about it really. (And Lollypop, you didn't hijack my thread, we have very similar situations with our sons, so no worries there!).

But, now I am asking for another bit of advice from all of you ... .

Here is the situation - As you know, my boy lives out of state ... .He had been looking for a job, but ended up getting pretty sick (which is why I'm still here in WA with him) so that put the job search on hold. I told him that I can pay his rent ... .And make sure he has food and gas money ... .But that's it. So I deposit a little money into his account daily (I can't give it to him in one lump sum because he'd spend it in one day ... .He cannot manage money at all) ... .But, then he will call me and say he needs more money for gas and food. It didn't take me long to figure out he was buying pot and cigarettes with the money and then had nothing for food or gas. So I would tell him that's too bad ... .He shouldn't have spent it on marijuana. But then he will call and tell me how bad his stomach hurts from hunger or he would end up running out of gas (we told him not to drive if he was out of gas ... .But he does anyway ... .Then just leaves the car wherever he runs out of gas ... .). How do I get past this situation ? I do not want to supply his pot, but I want to make sure he has money for food and gas. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this? We have told him that we won't be supporting him forever and expect him to find a job as soon as he's feeling better. Until then, I know I can't control what he spends his money on, but I cannot tolerate him spending his food and gas money on pot. Then when he calls because he is starving, I feel so bad that I give him a few dollars so he can at least eat. I know he is manipulating me ... .I just don't know what to do  

[foggydew]

Is  it possible  to  get vouchers  for some store  or gas station?  For stepson  we did this (for  food), and also had  to  ensure that he  had pass  for public transport,  which  was  deposited  with  the local transport  company as  he refused to pay or carry  a pass  and  was always  getting  caught  and fined. It  sounds as  if he does need support  -  but  not from you. I live in Europe, and we did get help  from  social services.  Stepson lived with us for  the worst 9months of  my  life, then  we  had  to tell him  he had a choice - take his medication or leave. He  left,  and lived on the streets and in shelters for a  while. There was  nothing  else  we  could  do.  But he did learn that if he needed  help or wanted it he could  turn up  at the local hospital.  It was his life and we couldn't live it. He was 19 at the time. Sometimes he would come  and visit...   I  would give him  food then drive  him to  the  nearest  shelter.  With  distance  the relationship  got better -  but as we  didn't  bring  him  up  we  didn't get the  flak  that  he gave his mother (who didn't allow my husband  access to the children, ever). She refused to even let him in the  house.

[donnab]

Can you find details of the nearest food bank and give him them? It's truly difficult but if he is really hungry eventually he will send the money on food

[Lollypop]

Hi vegasmom

Our son left our home beginning of May to go to California. It's very difficult with those miles between you. I really sympathise with you.

Our BPDs ran out of money in mid August. To be honest that's where we went wrong. He called to tell us he was going to work on an illegal pot farm as he desperately needed money. We offered to set him up somewhere while he looked for work instead. We convinced him that he needed 6 months stability, working part time, learning how to manage money, do his therapy, make some friends. All roses around the door stuff. I see now this may be what he wanted but it was something he just couldn't achieve, totally unrealistic by all of us. He hasn't worked for 5 years so why on earth would he suddenly be able to do this!

Once he got used to asking He played us good and we kept on paying. All my savings went in 4 months. It got to the point he would contact us every 3/4 days for money. He lied and manipulated to keep himself sweet. There was no guilt or true thanks. We got into a situation where we were constantly stressed yet we ourselves had caused it. Consequences!

We reached a point where we couldn't afford to carry on. There was no choice to be made in the end.

He expects us to pay for him forever. We will not do this. He has used these words "I do not want to grow up".

I'm sorry this Isn't really helping you. I could say give him a weekly amount and no more, or a food card, gas card. This may work for you. It didn't for us.

My advice is to take your time thinking about it. There's no rush and you always have the right to change your mind.

L

[Kate4queen]

Just stick to your boundary. Tell him you offered to give him $ and that's it. Don't get into a discussion or argument about it. If he chooses to spend that $ on pot, then he's going to have to deal with the consequences of his choice by being hungry. He's just playing on your fears.

You do have a choice-give him the $ and don't think about what he's going to do with it, or don't give him the money. You are running around trying to solve his problems, which is exactly what he wants you to do. Seriously, a few days of being hungry? He'll start to rethink his priorities if you aren't there giving him what he wants.

It was amazing what my son accomplished when we stopped jumping in to fix everything. He doesn't even go overdrawn now because he knows we won't give him a dime.

Stick to your guns,

[lbjnltx]

Good thread and I concur with Kate, if we rescue our kids from the consequences of their choices they won't change their choices.

[VegasMom]

Thank you all so much for your advice ... .Every single bit helps. But this statement "if we rescue our kids from the consequences of their choices, they won't change their choices" ... .That just hit me like a ton of bricks. I know I am going to have to let go (as scary and anxiety inducing as it is) ... .Because nothing will change if I dont and I'm sure it's going to get worse before it gets better (and that's IF it gets better ... .with him, who knows). I just know that I have to try because I can't continue to do what I've been doing (clearly it isn't working). 

So I guess my game plan is to give him his daily allowance and tell him that's all he will get for the day, so spend it wisely. Then stick to my guns and refuse to give him anymore ... .And turn my phone off so he doesn't call 500 times trying to manipulate me into donating more to his cause. And then give him information on where he can go for food if he is that destitute. I have a feeling it's going to be a rough road during this little "transition" ... .

[Lollypop]

Good thread and I concur with Kate, if we rescue our kids from the consequences of their choices they won't change their choices.

Like vegasmom, this is brilliantly concise. Thank you so so much.

I'm glad you've got a game plan together vegasmom.

I'm feeling low and hopeless today after a bad nights sleep. It was going round and round my head. We're in a miserable situation and it won't stop until we decide to eject BPDs from the house. This is so so hard to do.

My husband says BPDs will break at some point, that without money BPDs will be forced to do something. I'm not so sure. Ok, so he's got no money but BPDs can go a long time borrowing the odd amount from a friend to keep him in cigarettes. He's still safe, warm and fed in our house. We watch our money like Hawks. It'll be 2 weeks before BPDs gets an appt with the mental health team. I was hoping to hang in in there until they can do an assessment. I'm impatient and I want to tell him to go today but my husband says do nothing... ."We've got each other so we're stronger than he is, he is leaving but it may take a month. For once, do nothing."  I guess another few weeks isn't long and it's BPDs last chance. We do NOT owe him that though. Until we both decide at the exact same time or one of us takes control then nothing will change.

[Herodias]

Apparently my husbands parents went through hell with him growing up. They always fixed things for him though. At one point he moved away, got himself off of drugs and lived in a shelter, then eventually got into a small apartment and got s job. Later he met me who helped him move up in his career. His parents always helped him pay off debt or get lawyers for dui's and things so I felt he never learned. When we had the domestic violence thing- none of us got him out of jail! It was the first time and it did change him. Problem is he held it against me and said he didn't trust me. Personally, I agree- the sooner you play tough love, the better for him. It does sound like he is a in a downward spiral right now. Maybe the doctors can get him into therapy or something if he becomes really depressed. I hope things get better for all of you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[VegasMom]

I know that Tough Love is going to be the way to go ... .It's just so hard to take that leap.

Lollypop - Sorry you had a rough night. Trying to function on no sleep doesn't help. And I totally understand the feeling of having everything play over and over in your brain. Miserable, for sure. And I like what your husband said about the two of you being stronger together. That's the truth ... .Lean on each other until this storm passes (or at least eases up).

I am leaving Washington to go back home on Sunday ... .So I am going crazy trying to tie up loose ends with my son so I can leave with some peace of mind. Although, I know after I leave, he will be back in the same chaos and turmoil. Yet, right now he acts like he doesn't have a care in the world and I am beyond stressed. Typical.

Well, I was really anxious last night about leaving him so I went to the gym (for 2 HOURS ... .at this rate, I'm going to be in better shape than I was at 25! LOL) ... .That helped for a little while. And it exhausted me so I could sleep (like you, Lollypop, sometimes I lay awake for hours with everything just spinning around in my head) And today, I went and had a manicure and stopped at my fav coffee shop. These little things give me just the smallest break so I can breathe and relax just for a short while ... .Then I am able to regroup and face the madness again. I am trying hard not to think of getting on that plane Sunday and leaving him behind ... .It just worries me sick.

[Lollypop]

We  learned just to be there, and they went their  own way... "

This is so wise Foggydew. You're absolutely right.

I can't get the reasoning out of me "we are a family", we take care of each other. We've learnt the hard way and I guess haven't fully accepted that we can't fix it, but we know the more we do the worse it becomes. If BPDs can't work or get benefits we will have to throw him out. I think my greatest fear is N/C. What I really want is for BPDs to get treatment in a live-in facility and hopefully BPDs will still want a relationship. We have hope that this may happen rather than see him on the street.

[Lollypop]

Hi vegasmom

Hopefully you'll sit down on that plane seat and feel glad to be leaving the chaos. It's so very hard to stop trying to help or control. I think I'm doing good then I reflect and realise I'm still doing it! I try and limit our conversations and not talk about tidying his room, weed use, job applications or anything else I think he should or could be doing or not be doing. I'm trying (not always succeeding) in displaying disinterest in these matters, that's it's entirely up to him and his responsibility. Topics are stuff like a good film I've watched or something funny I heard. I always talk about my college course, challenges and artwork as I've found everybody is genuinely interested. I can't tell you how this experience as a mature student has changed my perspective. It's very difficult to do your best ALL the time every day, it's actually really tiring and I can't imagine how it feels doing a subject I really didn't like. As a society we expect them to be good at everything and do extra-curricular. We're just so child focussed. I'm getting distracted now from my point. .

Occasionally I'll confirm the only boundary: work or benefits. We are at day 33 and I'm finding it useful to see positives that have happened since he came back. We stopped money on day 9, referral to mental health team day 30, BPDs looked at job vacancies days 31/32. Things are improving.

When you get back home you'll be happy to be back in your own bed and your own life. You'll get the headspace you'll need.

Don't cry if you can help it. As a family member said when he was left a widow with 3 teenagers (one of whom committed suicide 5 years later: "you HAVE to be strong for your kids". I now realise that doesn't mean doing something for them that they should be doing themselves. Every time I do something for my BPDs  the message I'm sending to him is that I don't think he can do it himself.

Take care of yourself first.

L

[VegasMom]

Lollypop - I keep reading your post over and over because everything you said just makes sense. I know what I have to do, but right now for me, the biggest struggle is finding the strength to act on it and then stick to it no matter how hard it gets. And like you mentioned, I just haven't accepted that I can't fix him. It's hard to even process that. And my first instinct is to make it all better because it's too painful not to, but I can see that you're right and all I'm doing is sending a message that I don't think he can do it himself. So he doesnt.

The realization has hit me that I'm a big part of his problem. I am an enabler. And it's only hurt him. Woa ... .That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow. So today is my last day here and I don't want to screw this up and leave on a bad note ... .Because then he will feel guilty and I'm afraid he will do something reckless because he cannot deal with those emotions. So I am trying to stay as quiet and calm as I can because I don't want to stir the pot. This whole thing just gives me a headache and upset stomach ... .Please God let things go smoothly over the next 24 hours!

[Lollypop]

We're all doing our best vegasmom. Give yourself a break. It's all a process and we will get there. One day at a time. Problem is its always new territory but Ive found this forum so very helpful. It's given me hope and helped me be realistic at the same time. i so wish there was a rule book I could follow! It's only time that allows us to process this huge amount of information. It also takes time to gather strength and get a better understanding of the real battles. I've been so much happier since I started to focus on myself and less of my BPDs.

I wish I enjoyed the gym as you do, I really need to get fit and it must be a great de-stresser. I walk but it's not enough!

My BPDs has spent the day wallowing in self pity. We've ignored it. In the past we'd be trying to help.

Good luck tomorrow

L

[APR]

It's good to read these threads to know you are not alone. My son is undiagnosed. He's 28 and still living at home. After years of research trying to find what I thought was a root cause for his behaviour, addictions, anger etc I finally found out about BPD and it felt great at the time to have found what I thought was the cause of his behaviour since he was a child. Now I feel even more frustrated because he refuses to agree that anything is psychologically wrong or that he needs help even though he constantly talks about how bad he feels, how he wants to commit suicide one day and then erupts into ferocious anger the next. Yesterday he shoved me and I fell over. My freezer now has three dents from his fist as a constant reminder. I feel like an abused person. I feel like I have this tumour sitting on my shoulder every waking second. I am desperate... .

[SoSoSoTired]

It's good to read these threads to know you are not alone. My son is undiagnosed. He's 28 and still living at home. After years of research trying to find what I thought was a root cause for his behaviour, addictions, anger etc I finally found out about BPD and it felt great at the time to have found what I thought was the cause of his behaviour since he was a child. Now I feel even more frustrated because he refuses to agree that anything is psychologically wrong or that he needs help even though he constantly talks about how bad he feels, how he wants to commit suicide one day and then erupts into ferocious anger the next. Yesterday he shoved me and I fell over. My freezer now has three dents from his fist as a constant reminder. I feel like an abused person. I feel like I have this tumour sitting on my shoulder every waking second. I am desperate... .

It's not acceptable that he shoved you.  You are a victim of domestic abuse. Please take action to protect yourself now.

[Wendybird]

I found this website just today.  For a long time, I used to go to one called Ask an Addict, which I decided was not that helpful. My son's problem is not his addiction (if I  can call it that) to pot.  It's his emotional chaos, rage, isolation and so on.  Basically vegasmom got it as well as many others who responded to her.  I posted about our efforts to help our son and how fruitless they are.  My continuing problem on Ask an Addict was not that I was receiving the wrong message from the other family members of addicts (some of them DO have terrible problems that made my son's seem like maybe not so bad).  But the addicts didn't have a rage script, the social isolation, the inability to focus and so on.  Some did but there was always a bit of a different feel to it.  Some suggested that maybe my son had more problems than addiction.  In any event, all the posts I read in this threat are creepily familiar, like finding out someone I don't know has the same furniture, clothing and recipes etc. that I do.  I guess the message I couldn't hear from Ask An Addict was disengage, stop rescuing, reclaim the something you once had that has died.  I don't quite know what that something is -- I know I don't have hope anymore and that's something I've always had.  But now I am 68, so close to the end of life that there's not much hope for a new career, a new love, a new baby, a new exercise routine or whatever.  But there must be something; if I find it, I won't keep it a secret.

[Kate4queen]

It's good to read these threads to know you are not alone. My son is undiagnosed. He's 28 and still living at home. After years of research trying to find what I thought was a root cause for his behaviour, addictions, anger etc I finally found out about BPD and it felt great at the time to have found what I thought was the cause of his behaviour since he was a child. Now I feel even more frustrated because he refuses to agree that anything is psychologically wrong or that he needs help even though he constantly talks about how bad he feels, how he wants to commit suicide one day and then erupts into ferocious anger the next. Yesterday he shoved me and I fell over. My freezer now has three dents from his fist as a constant reminder. I feel like an abused person. I feel like I have this tumour sitting on my shoulder every waking second. I am desperate... .

You are an abused person. That's not okay for him to shove you or put his fists anywhere near you. That's not normal and not acceptable. Please think about getting some help for yourself about drawing some boundaries and protect yourself if he does anything worse. You shouldn't have to live in fear.