Boundary setting for dummies please

[Thread]

I feel like I lack boundaries and that is my main issue with my hBPD hisband.

Please expanding how to have these and how to keep them, what they are, what it looks like, personal examples whatever. I lack them and was totally not raised to have them.

This would be helpful because I think it's one of the reasons I married and have befriended a lot of people who have Bpd.

Also i feel like I may be codependent as well even though I am very hardworking strong and people would describe me to be independent I believe I am codependent on my hBPD.

[unicorn2014]

Hanging I don't have an easy answer, but if you want to learn about the progression of a boundary you are welcome to read my most recent threads on the undecided board including is this poor executive control to i still can't validate him.

It took me 6 months to uphold my values with my partner.

A boundary is a value, not an ultimatum.

I actually got an opportunity to explain this to my mother on Christmas Day when she told me I had to give him an ultimatum.

In my situation my partner is married to someone else and I no longer want to be in a close, everyday relationship while I wait for him to file his divorce. On New Year's Eve I was finally able to take a step back from the daily facetime calls we had been having in our relationship for the past 3 years. That proved to be not enough space and I realized I needed to minimize our contact during the day. My partner is not happy. I am beginning to see him in a whole new light, and not a favorable one necessarily.

That is one example of a boundary being upheld.

This is the first time I have done this in the course of my relationship.

Are there any particular issues you struggle with or struggled with in your relationship?

[Thread]

I actually did read it already!

Nothing specific I just know I am probably not handling the outbursts, escalations or dysregulations well.

Also I often don't talk to him anymore especially things I know will freak him out Because I think they should not. I just walk on eggshells a lot and I feel like there is no emotional connection at times, and even when there was it was only during the first 5 months of our relationship. Just having a hard time with all the ups and downs and getting tired.

[unicorn2014]

I'm not sure if that is a boundary setting issue, as I mentioned in my first reply, in my understanding upholding a boundary is upholding a value. Do you think you might be possibly violating a value of yours by walking on eggshells?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hanging, What makes you think that you are codependent?  I suspect that many of us Nons (including me) have codependent tendencies.  I care about others, which is a good quality, but I have to be careful that I don't cross over into care taking, which is unhealthy for me and the recipient. 

Concerning boundaries, I find it helpful to think about my "Bubble" -- my happy place and safe space.  It's my personal zone of peace.

Your boundaries are your Bubble.  They are the personal limits that define, protect and contain you.  They are about self-preservation and give stability to your inner world.  They don't hurt others, but they keep the unwanted stuff out.

I suffered from poor boundaries and found myself treated like a doormat in my marriage to a pwBPD.  No wonder; I didn't know how to protect and preserve myself because I had never learned about boundaries from my FOO.

Now I get it.  Boundaries define my "Bubble."  Time to shore up your boundaries, hanging?  Then you have to defend and uphold them.  You are guaranteed to feel better when you have a safe place.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

First, there are two related meanings in how the word boundaries is used.

1. Boundaries are the point at which you end and somebody else starts. If you have good/healthy boundaries, you understand where this point is, and act accordingly, neither letting somebody else past your boundaries, or going past another person's boundaries.

2. (Especially on the staying board) we talk about ENFORCING boundaries. A pwBPD will have poor boundaries, and will engage in boundary busting behavior, trying to roll over your boundaries, especially in an intimate (family/romantic) relationship. Enforcement is an ACTION you take to protect yourself when somebody tries to go past your boundaries.

If you don't know where your boundaries are, you cannot enforce them properly. And enforcing them is a learned skill.

Fortunately in a relationship with a pwBPD (which you seem to be in) you have a perfect environment to learn these skills. Your boundaries will be tested and pushed harder than just about any other possible situation. So when you can enforce them against your partner, you will have it down perfectly.

Personally I grew up with fairly good boundaries, but they were over decades eroded a bit by my wife. With the lessons I learned on the staying board, I have gotten MUCH better than I was before, and I truly understand my boundaries very well. They are serving me well in many friendships today. I'm looking to start dating, and I expect they will be tested a bit more, but I'm not worried at all.

My recommendation is to post on the staying board... .and rather than general questions about boundaries, drill down to specific ones you want to work on. Preventing verbal/emotional abuse aka yelling, cursing, belittling, (non-constructive) criticism, etc. is an excellent one to start with. Because if you try to enforce another boundary first, you will be hit with verbal/emotional abuse to try to bust it down. So start there. Describe situations that got out of hand, in detail and ask where you could have responded differently and protected yourself.

I've both learned and taught that way there.

[Thread]

Grey Kitty,

Thank you that was really helpful! And I will repost on the staying board. I feel like there's so many little details of Bpd and each category has so many answers miles long! Well I guess the bright side is it's a never ending learning process and will keep me sharp !

[Notwendy]

Codependency was to me a complicated idea and it took a lot of work to see my own tendencies and change my behaviors.

Some of us learn these behaviors and styles of thinking as children. That was my situation. Growing up with BPD mom and co-dependent dad, we kids were enlisted as co-dependents as well. The one main focus in our family was my mother, her feelings, her wishes, her moods. The rest of us walked on eggshells around her and took care of her needs. As you can imagine, growing up this way, I didn't even know there was another way to interact with people.


Boundaries? What boundaries? We were so focused on mom that we didn't even think about it. So my first "steps" trying to enforce boundaries were naive and inexperienced. Of course they would be. I would "declare a boundary" and expect that to be it. Yeah right. Nope, a boundary to my mother was like waving a red flag in front of a raging bull.

We have to build our boundary muscles and having weak ones means we have to work at it. Saying "no" for the first time could really be hard, but with practice we get better. Boundaries reflect our values, so getting to know ourselves ( focusing on our feelings) instead of being focused on our partners helps us to realize " hey, I don't like this".

Even people with poor boundaries have some boundaries. I am sure you can think of a few. If your H tried to get you to rob a bank with him, I would bet you would say no, because that is something ( I hope) you would not do, no matter what, to make him happy). Start from there- your bottom line boundaries- and then think of others you might be fuzzy about.

[Thread]

Thank you notwendy,

Again great thoughts and perspective.

Growing up my sisters and I never were able to make our own decisions, so even in my 30s I tell my mom no about something or No I don't want the old junk you're trying to pass down to me, and she freaks out. I had a pair of shoes I had gotten and my mother was like those look like my old shoes from the 80s and brought out a 7.5 and I wear a 5-5.5 and said try them on. I said mom I wear a tiny size those aren't going to fit she literally yelled at me for 5 minutes until i showed her my foot wasn't going to fit in a shoe 2-2.5 sizes bigger than mine. This is my life.

Then h Bpd will take whatever it is, I always look at him and say when I say no, can you please respect that. I feel like I'm never being heard or respected. It's something small, but it seems to occur often. And it really makes my blood boil. I would like to have the right to say no to things. From my mother possible Bpd and husband. It's very unnerving not being able to make my own decisions. I guess that is a boundary maybe? Having the right to say no about things and not having people constantly decide for me or get upset at me because of it.

[unicorn2014]

Hanging, have you ever done any work on the coping board or read Understanding the Borderline Mother? I have a borderline partner and reading Understanding the Borderline Mother is really helping me get at the root of my issues with my partner.

[Skip]

Setting boundaries is a life skill. It is the practice of openly communicating and asserting personal values as way to preserve and protect against having them compromised or violated.

We define a values/boundaries model here on the site: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

The term boundaries is misleading as it's really about clarifying your values to yourself and others (and maintaining them).

The personal space (proximetrics) is one of many subsets.  So are the protective boundaries (theft, infidelity, infidelity, etc.).

The Three Pillars

This life skill has three pillars: defining personal values to ourselves, communicating and asserting what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds to others, and being committed to make hard choices, when necessary, to honor and defend.

   :)efining values: Healthy relationships are sometimes characterized as an “inter-dependent” relationship of two “independent” people. Healthy individuals have values that they honor and defend regardless of the nature of the relationship. These are core or independent values. Healthy individuals also have values that they are prepared to negotiate and adapt to in an effort to bond and collaborate with others. These are known as inter-dependent values.

   Asserting boundaries: Using verbal and nonverbal communications to assert intentions, needs and define what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds. Laying out reasonable, safe and acceptable ways for other people to interact and relate to us.

   Honoring and defending: Living a life that honors our values and knows how to take constructive actions necessary to avoid being compromised.

[Thread]

Skip this has been very helpful.

My hBPD DBT T asked me to join more often. There was a lot of information she didn't know about that she said had been very helpful with my H. I let her know I don't assert my boundaries very well. It was nice because hBPD let me speak alone with her for a minute.

She is helping me state my boundaries with a third party present because often it's really hard for me to do because I feel like choosing my battles and id rather there just not be a battle. I don't have time for a dysregulating which could last Hours to days.

She is vey good at her job. I see all the skills being used. I also let her know I am not the best validator - especially when I feel like he is painting me black.

[unicorn2014]

She is vey good at her job. I see all the skills being used. I also let her know I am not the best validator - especially when I feel like he is painting me black.

Validating is not easy especially when there's a history. I actually asked my partner to write down his concerns in an email that I could take to my therapist so I could get help with validating his concerns. Do you have your own individual therapist?

[Thread]

Unicorn - thank you! That last post is brilliant. Last T I just fired... .She felt yoga and acupuncture was brining God further away and satanic stuff nearer . Anyway I am on the hunt for a new T! The last was good, but personal opinions were happening a lot in the end. Even about my hair color or how I dress. She was lets just say against being too fashionable and very conservative.

But my hBPD I totally feel would be opened to that email thing! I really like that idea!

[unicorn2014]

Hanging, I am glad I was able to help you. I am finally making some progress in my own healing journey because I have been able to take a step backward in my own relationship, so I am able to share with you what I am learning. Is there any way that you could take a step backward in your relationship to reflect? I might help you to get clear on the kind of boundaries you want to establish.

[bravhart1]

Sometimes I think beginning to set a boundary or safe distance is getting to the point to where if the other person is "freaking out" over something, or angry, that you yourself stay calm, see if you actually did contribute to the problem and if not then removing yourself from their drama and let them handle it on their own. So many times I've seen people run to the rescue of the person losing it, only to take on the drama and stress of fixing a problem that sometimes can't be fixed or should not be validated.

I think this is unhealthy and gets you caught up in their drama unnecessarily. It's exhausting and in the long run of things will do nothing to make these people healthier, in fact may just reinforce their misguided thinking by validating it.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Bravhart.  Agree with that.  Care taking, in my view, is unhealthy for both the care giver and the care recipient.  Care taking allows the care giver to deny his/her own care, and it allows the care recipient to avoid things that he/she can and should do for him/herself.  LJ