need help with how to respond

[mommies dearest]

Long story short-- I've been basically NC with uBPDmom since around Thanksgiving.  She blew up at my preschool son's Thanksgiving program (caused a hugely embarrassing scene), turned against my husband (called him every name in the book) raged at me, said very mean and cruel things about my reaction to my middle daughter's death etc. etc. etc.  I'd finally decided I'd had enough of her craziness and to protect myself, I went NC.  Background on my mom-- no husband, no friends, no family except me (an only child).

Fast forward to Christmas Day.  She showed up at our house with a giant box of presents for our 2 kids.  Husband answers the door.  Bpd mom demands to see our children.  Husband refuses.  She starts in on him again, raging, arguing, yelling, calling names.  Leaves in a rage.

Fast forward to yesterday/today-- she has been calling my phone leaving messages to find out if we gave the gifts to our kids/ if they liked them (we did because I wasn't sure what else to do).  Messages she leaves keep saying things like "believe me, I don't want to talk to you either, but could you just do me the decent human courtesy of letting me know if my grandchildren liked what I got them. I don't know if your husband (sarcasm) actually gave them to them or if he put them in the back of his truck and threw them out. Can you at least do that much?  Call me back on the phone (I won't even answer it) or leave me a message on the computer".

What to do?  My gut tells me not to respond, but doubt is creeping in. 

[P.F.Change]

There's not a right or wrong here. It sounds like you would prefer not to respond right now. That's ok.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[ydrys017]

If I've learned one thing in the last 18 mos, it's 'go with your gut'.  Expect to feel anxious, stress and guilt - but remind yourself that you are protecting yourself and your children.  

I too have a BPD mother, she kicked me out of the house when I was halfway done working my way through college.  I can count on my 2 hands the number of times I've spoken to her since - that was 35 years ago.  She has never met my 3 children, and she has never contacted me during these 35 years.  I'm ok with that - undoing her harm to me or my children by trying to maintain a relationship is a risk I'm not willing to take.  Just a thought.

[HappyChappy]

I totally understand why you would be NC after such behaviour, it’s not acceptable. You mom’s clearly fishing, so if you still need to be NC don’t answer. I’m also NC and my BPD mom has done something similar . They involve the kids because it’s great for the F.O.G. dynamic.  A BPD knows kids are the easiest to manipulate, especially with presents.

Gut feeling may work if you’re not under the spell of F.O.G. so only trust your gut instincts if it rarely let you down.  That said, your instinct not to contact is the way I’d go based on what you’ve said.

However, if you want to reconnect, respond. You can always keep it to e-mails, as BPD are limited in what they can do by e-mail (and you’ve got an audit trail). If you want to reconnect slowly, ask her to apologies for her recent bad behaviour – normally makes my BPD go quiet for a while. Whatever you do, ensure it’s what’s best for you, and done on your terms.