She seems so happy with the replacement. Why can't I move on that fast.

[Kelvin]

Hello all,

I've been reading this site religiously over the past month. I've read of all of the heartbroken non's who went through situations very similar to mine. The crazy thing about all of this is after I found out my ex-gf cheated the first time  she cheated as much as three times total. I know HUGE red flag), I cannot say for certain I was in love with her. I did however want to do whatever I could to find that magic again. She seemed willing to right up until the end and then BOOM. She is with another and I'm left with my heart in my hand. This was my first relationship (4.5 years) and I'm not sure if this is behavior seen in most relationships or not. She seemed enthralled with me not even 3 months prior to the breakup and I honestly felt we were trending in the right direction.  Did she even really love me? She is out posting pics of her and her new beau and I feel gutted. Any help from more experienced members would be greatly greatly appreciated.

[UVA2002]

Trust me my brother she's doing it just to mess with you. She wants a reaction study up on BPD there's a playbook pattern they follow. The first two I had did this and it kept me in contact with them and that's what really messed me up. The last one I went NC (no contact) with the instant she dumped my by text( for the 3 rd time) blocked her number ,don't wave etc. this really got to her but you know it's only been a few weeks and it's ok. I don't have any issues with her messing with me.  :)ONT B JEALOUS OF THE NEW GUY! He is just another chump pawn in n her game he will find out about her evils. She's not happy she's never happy. It's all theater my man you know this. You have just been the victim of a wolf in sheeps clothing. I'm 40 have seen this many times before and trust me karma is a bthch and she will get hers... The BPD is no excuse to harm others no matter what has happened to you. To defeat her just smile and try to get on with life. I know it's easier said than done but it she that's lost not you that's why she's doing it. Just try to ignore her please for your own sake don't miss a new door opening because you're still looking at the closed one.

[Mutt]

She seemed enthralled with me not even 3 months prior to the breakup and I honestly felt we were trending in the right direction.

I'm sorry to hear that. A pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection and will overreact at a perceived slight. A pwBPD will vacillate between great love and admiration ( idealization ) and intense anger ( devaluation ) with attachments. It sounds like your ex was idealizing you 3 months ago and is idealizing the new beau.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

I was with my ex for several years and the anger directed at me around the end was very hurtful. I felt like I had lost my wife because I couldn't talk to her. It was like dealing with a completely different personality. She was having an affair and she left for the other man. A few after weeks she left, I had a chance to talk to a mutual friends that met him and said " I know what love looks like Mutt and she talks about him all of the time. It's something new."

[Learning_curve74]

Please check out the article Mutt posted, it has a lot of information.

Remember that the end of a relationship is a real loss. Not only the loss of the life you had but also of all the dreams and hopes for the future. A "normal" person has to go through a process of grieving and healing to "get over" this loss. A BPDer typically doesn't follow this essential process of grief and healing but instead soothes themselves by jumping into another relationship or using other unhealthy coping strategies like alcohol, sex, reckless behavior, or other similar tactics.

Hang in there, Kelvin. It hurts yet it's only by going through the hurt that we emerge on the other side.

[Kelvin]

She seemed enthralled with me not even 3 months prior to the breakup and I honestly felt we were trending in the right direction.

I'm sorry to hear that. A pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection and will overreact at a perceived slight. A pwBPD will vacillate between great love and admiration ( idealization ) and intense anger ( devaluation ) with attachments. It sounds like your ex was idealizing you 3 months ago and is idealizing the new beau.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

I was with my ex for several years and the anger directed at me around the end was very hurtful. I felt like I had lost my wife because I couldn't talk to her. It was like dealing with a completely different personality. She was having an affair and she left for the other man. A few after weeks she left, I had a chance to talk to a mutual friends that met him and said " I know what love looks like Mutt and she talks about him all of the time. It's something new."

It certainly seems that way, I know I shouldn't care, but how did it end in your situation (if it ended at all) when she moved on with the replacement? It just hurt so much that she could so willingly throw away everything we been through and worked through just for some guy who simply happened to be in town one weekend.

[bAlex]

I'll just say this: looks can be deceiving.

My ex also seemed to be happy as can be with the last guy she was with. I supposed it looked good from afar, guy has his own business, basically a millionaire, big property etc. She wanted to marry him... I later found out they had more problems that I imagined, they broke up many times, she's already in the devaluation stage and he straight up told her in front of all their friends that he will never marry her in his life. Proves he's just keeping her around for the sex, I was thinking that about many guys she was with, think she knows it too. I dunno if they're still together, don't care really, it will end the same way with every guy...

[enlighten me]

When a pwBPD starts a relationship they idolise you. All those feelings they show are real. When you get devalued they split you. You become all bad. Some can switch back to idolising again.

When you are devalued they look for someone new. Sometimes you don't even realise you've been devalued so being replaced quickly seems a shock.

The replacement becomes idolised and your ex is truly happy again.

Some have the decency to leave you before they find someone else.

So yes she did love you but then she stopped.

[Mutt]

She seemed enthralled with me not even 3 months prior to the breakup and I honestly felt we were trending in the right direction.

I'm sorry to hear that. A pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection and will overreact at a perceived slight. A pwBPD will vacillate between great love and admiration ( idealization ) and intense anger ( devaluation ) with attachments. It sounds like your ex was idealizing you 3 months ago and is idealizing the new beau.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

I was with my ex for several years and the anger directed at me around the end was very hurtful. I felt like I had lost my wife because I couldn't talk to her. It was like dealing with a completely different personality. She was having an affair and she left for the other man. A few after weeks she left, I had a chance to talk to a mutual friends that met him and said " I know what love looks like Mutt and she talks about him all of the time. It's something new."

It certainly seems that way, I know I shouldn't care, but how did it end in your situation (if it ended at all) when she moved on with the replacement? It just hurt so much that she could so willingly throw away everything we been through and worked through just for some guy who simply happened to be in town one weekend.

I know that it's a lot of hurt. I agree with learning_curve74 that a pwBPD have inhibited grieving and will sooth with maladaptive coping strategies. My ex crossed a boundary with cheating. I missed my ex when she left and there was a part of me that wanted her back because I couldn't trust her to cheat again. If I can't trust my partner in a relationship then it makes me question the validity of my relationship.

My ex is not diagnosed and she doesn't want to get help for herself and if I took her back, she will likely idealize me for a short while and then devaluate me again and I couldn't go through that pain a second time. Her boyfriend kept the chaos away from me and it gave me the chance to detach and heal my wounds. She had a baby with him, our marriage was dissolved and they are still together.

[bAlex]

Together for how long? I don't know your ex, Mutt, so I can only speak for myself. But the last time mine went back to the guy she now speaks so terribly of she did it bc she said she "loved his kids as her own". She said he used them to "lure" her back. Ppl stay for different reasons, but I don't buy the "happily ever after". No sane person would be able to put up with her in the long run. Together is one thing, happiness another.

[Learning Fast]

Kelvin,

As others have posted do not believe everything that you hear or see (especially if the primary source is FB or some other type of social media as that becomes the perfect platform for whatever narrative that she wants to project).

My ex fell into the arms of the first guy who essentially said "Hi" to her after we split.  It was a connection driven solely by the fear of loneliness and the desperation to fill the emotional void that developed after we parted.  My replacement is an impractical match and due to this she is not even trying to project the "happy" narrative to anyone as she herself knows that it is a Band-Aid relationship at best.  She simply just needed to be with someone---period.

LF

[Kelvin]

Thank you all for the replies, you really don't know how much it has been helping me.

It's been about 7 months since the break up and I've done a lot of soul searching since then. I've taken care of my mind, body and soul and I can feel myself detaching slowly and getting back to the old me. I know that in any break up that there is responsibility that lies with me, but it just seems so callous for her to do that. I stuck by her when I tried to leave and she cried for me to stay. I stuck by her when she cheated and I stuck by all of the drama this relationship contained. I never once thought "Oh hey, there is a solid woman over there, see ya!" She acted like I was the one acting over emotional like the fact that leaving for another man after nearly 5 years was something I had to simply get over and accept. She even went as far as to be upset with me for a while because she claims "After being with him I realized I should've left you so much sooner"  Now she is off doing who knows what with him and posting pics about it while I'm left grieving. I'm sorry to vent but it just sucks so much.

[Mutt]

Kelvin,

Don't apologize. It helps to talk. I'm speaking for myself when I say this but the most painful part was how it didn't seem to phase her on the outside and how invalidating that felt when I was knee deep in pain.

It felt like I was moving forward after a year and a half and getting out of a low grade depression and she wanted to talk about being friends. It took me about two and half years until I felt like I was back to normal.

I questioned and asked her why it didn't seem like she cared before she left and she told me that she was grieving for a year in our marriage before leaving. I think that she was detaching but I know that she felt a lot of guilt and shame because another relationship failed.

[Dutched]

Kelvin, you really got some good explanations and advice already, so I shall be very short.

Please read the title of your post again.

Notice your own second word?  It is     s e e m s     in that lies your answer too.

Concentrate on your healing, that is important, although very hard now.

[VeraTrue]

The reason you didn't just spring back up and into some happy charade is that you are a healthy person, undertaking a healthy grieving and healing process. OUrsociety conditions us to believe that if we are not happy, we are not healthy. This is not the case. When sad things happen, it is healthy to be sad, and to face and deal with that sadness. Or any other unpleasant emotions or experience. Painting a veneer on it does not make the pain go away, it turns it into something harmful and toxic. Your ex is the walking embodiment of that path.

As I write to you, I write to myself. I have the same struggles.

[Fox Mulder]

Hey, Kelvin. I'm not really a more experienced member but I have some idea of what you're going through. There's no real way to figure out exactly why a BPD person does what they do, but from reading the forums, I feel like I might understand my ex's actions a little bit.

My ex moved on instantly. She wasn't single for a nanosecond. She had been speaking to this other guy for a couple months before she left me for him. She had emotionally checked out of the relationship even earlier than that, telling me on the day she left me that she had been resenting me for most of the last year we were together - we had three good years before that last one. She stayed with me because she just didn't want to be single. She would have rather been with someone she didn't respect than to be on her own. When I heard about how close she had been getting with this new guy, I confronted her about it and told her I was really bothered by how she had kept it a secret and had actually been talking with this guy about how much she didn't care for me anymore. At first, she said she'd cut off contact with him, but a week later she left me for him. I triggered her fear of abandonment, I think, by being upset with her. And the other guy, conversely, was - naturally - telling her that what she had done was okay and that he would take care of her. So, she was gone.

BPD people, and even normal people going through aggressive breakups, use social media as a platform to inflict emotional pain on their ex. Do they know that you know where to find their Facebook, blog, etc.? If so, they're probably trying to hurt you through pictures and stories and such. If they know you might look, they'll try and get to you. Avoid it. I have trouble myself believing that she's exaggerating how happy she is now, but it makes sense, and I'm trying to believe that.

It sucks. It really sucks, knowing that their idealization of you to was one side of the coin that is their disorder, and their indifference or even hate of you now is just the other side of that coin. It breaks my heart. But we'll be alright. Keep reading about the disorder, keep making those connections in your mind between BPD and all her behaviors - even the good ones, and don't put her on a pedestal. She wasn't right for you and somewhere down the line you'll be happy you're not tied to her anymore.

[circularref]

Hello all,

I've been reading this site religiously over the past month. I've read of all of the heartbroken non's who went through situations very similar to mine. The crazy thing about all of this is after I found out my ex-gf cheated the first time  she cheated as much as three times total. I know HUGE red flag), I cannot say for certain I was in love with her. I did however want to do whatever I could to find that magic again. She seemed willing to right up until the end and then BOOM. She is with another and I'm left with my heart in my hand. This was my first relationship (4.5 years) and I'm not sure if this is behavior seen in most relationships or not. She seemed enthralled with me not even 3 months prior to the breakup and I honestly felt we were trending in the right direction.  Did she even really love me? She is out posting pics of her and her new beau and I feel gutted. Any help from more experienced members would be greatly greatly appreciated.

It is extremely easy to manipulate your image on FB (or wherever she's posting those pictures). Don't believe it. My ex was telling our common friends how amazing my replacement is, knowing that they would come and tell me. She even asked them how I reacted after they told me.

You know how she was with you, and she will act exactly the same way with the new guy. I'm getting echos of the new relationship of my ex, and it's a little bit scary how the current development is exactly the same: the love declaration, the romantic week end get away, the cute FB pictures. Even the timing is the same. I know that very soon the devaluation stage will start and I hope he'll have enough self-respect to leave.

[bAlex]

 

"You know how she was with you, and she will act exactly the same way with the new guy"

Precisely