My life in one minute

[half-life]

This one minute interaction epitomize the years of problems between us. Currently we are already separated but still have frequent interactions due to our young kids. She asked me to go shopping for a mattress topper because of her lousy bed. Maybe she wanted me to do the heavy lifting. Maybe she wanted me to pay. Anyway I didn't mind to help.

So I pulled one mattress off from the the shelves into the cart. She looked at me. "You are getting only one mattress?" I got it. Our kids have a bunk bed. So I pulled another topper off the shelf. She looked at me again with an expression of disbelieve, "How come you are getting just two mattress?" I got it. You needed three because you are sleeping in the same uncomfortable bed as them. So I loaded the third.

All the time I was wondering why couldn't she just said I need three mattress? In a plain and straightforward manner? We got into tense and emotionally loaded interaction out of a completely ordinary and commonplace setting. That pretty much summed up what life was like between us.

Even more revealing was then I brought up this scenario to her during a discussion the next day. I wanted to share to her how crazy it was. She could not relate to my feeling at all. For her this was completely rational "You clearly know we have three beds, don't you?", "I don't want to beg you to get three (her self-esteem issue)", "How could you only get one?". I resigned to her complete lack of awareness of the emotional problem.

Just checking, I should expect people to express their need directly rather than by showing their displeasure? At least most of the time? This isn't an unrealistic expectation, is it?

[C.Stein]

This isn't an unrealistic expectation, is it?

Clear and succinct communication is not an unrealistic expectation. 

[flourdust]

Just checking, I should expect people to express their need directly rather than by showing their displeasure? At least most of the time? This isn't an unrealistic expectation, is it?

No, it's not unrealistic. Your experience also describes my life quite succinctly. It's as if they view your failure to be in complete sync with their unspoken thoughts is a personal attack on them.

[JaneStorm]

Yes. This seems to be yet another common theme. Anger at the Non's inability to mindread. "You should just KNOW!" is what I always heard.

[once removed]

clear and succinct communication from someone who struggles with low EQ, low self esteem, and uniquely struggles with communicating needs (in a healthy way or otherwise) might be unrealistic. it only frustrates us to expect more from another person in an area they have repeatedly shown us they arent up to delivering.

that doesnt mean the entire experience isnt frustrating though, half-life, it is, and i get you completely. bottom line, the situation (communication) may fall on your shoulders to improve. which is also frustrating  .

have you had an opportunity to read some of our lessons on communication, half-life? they may help in these moments and others. i can share some links if youre interested

[half-life]

We have already broke up. At this point I am more interested to tell my story and make sense of the past. It is a sort of therapy for me.

Although we still need regular communication due to our kids. And I hit the wall regularly.